Past and Future, page 7
I move, sitting beside her, and take her in my arms. “Lou, everything will be okay. I promise you.”
“Gio, don’t make me promises. Especially ones that can’t be kept.”
I tilt her chin until her eyes meet mine. “I always keep my promises. I’ve always been a man of my word.” She nods, understanding. “Now, I suggest you take yourself upstairs, grab a shower, I’ll get Teresa to make you something to eat if you want, and then you can come with me, and the children can go horse riding. You spend today with them and let them see you happy. Then, tonight, I’ll take you to the cemetery and Maria can look after them. How does that sound?”
“Thank you. You don’t have to do this.”
“No, but I want to.”
“Grazie.” I smile at her simple word, and for the first time in weeks, I see a proper smile spread on her beautiful face. Of course, the path ahead won’t be an easy one for her, but small steps will get her right back to where she should be.
* * *
“Mummy,” Daisy squeals with excitement as Lou enters the kitchen, looking so much better than she did earlier. Both girls rush towards her and I stand staring on, thinking about the effort it must be taking her to smile. They won’t notice, but I do. This is a start.
“I hear you two want to go out on the horses?”
“Yes, please, Mummy,” Rebecca says softly.
Lou looks up at me and nods. I smile. “Yes. We can go out.”
“Are you coming with us?’ Rebecca asks. Her face lights up when Lou nods.
“Do you want to eat first?” I ask.
“No, but we can all eat lunch together after.”
“Okay, but I’ll hold you to that,” I say, smiling, knowing she’s hardly eaten these last few weeks. “Okay, girls. Are you ready?”
“Yes,” they say together, pulling Lou’s hand, urging her to walk.
“Gio, come on, before I change my mind,” she says, walking toward the patio doors.
Teresa is busy at the cooker and she starts singing; it’s the first I’ve heard her in recent weeks. She smiles warmly as I pass her. “I’ll make lunch for you coming back.”
Teresa has been as lost as us the rest of us, although she’s been a diamond where they are concerned.
Lou and the girls walk ahead and I suddenly feel as though I’m intruding on their time together. Time is precious as we’ve all learned recently.
“Giovanni, hurry up,” Rebecca calls back to me. Lou looks at me over her shoulder and she smiles; this time it reaches her sad eyes. I’d love to be the one to help her through this, but I’d be kidding myself if I think it’s me who will make a difference in her life. No, it’s those two little girls holding each hand that will bring her light during the darkness. They’re the ones who will bring a real smile to her face.
I jog toward the three of them, pick up Daisy, and swing her in my arms. She squeals and Rebecca laughs.
“You’re getting slow, old man,” Lou says, and I’m shocked at the playful tone of her voice.
“Old man. I think you have me mistaken for someone else.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I remember you being much quicker at running than that.”
“I bet I could still beat your ass in a race.”
“We won’t find out today, but ...” Her voice trails off and I smile thinking of the Lou I knew before.
It’s funny, when I’m here at home and it’s just me and Teresa, I always speak Italian, but I’ve found myself speaking English now because I don’t want to upset Lou’s children. There have been so many changes in their lives recently without a language barrier in place.
“Mummy…”
I look to my side and see Lou has stopped. We’re right outside the stables.
So much happened that day.
Rebecca clings to her mother’s leg. I put Daisy down and I crouch beside her. “Rebecca, do you want to go inside?” I ask softly.
“I don’t know,” she says.
“Nothing bad will ever happen to any of you. I’ll make sure of that,” I say. She nods her head and her grip on Lou loosens. “Steve is inside with the horses. If you want, he can bring them out to us.”
“No, we’ll go inside,” Lou says, looking at me. Today, she’s all for fighting her demons, but I’m all too aware that tomorrow might well be a different story and she’ll want to protect herself.
“Okay, let’s do this,” I say, offering her my free hand. She smiles sweetly, and just when I think she won’t take it, she does. We all enter, and it’s Rebecca who surprises me the most. She wanders straight inside, letting go of Lou’s hand. Steve is standing by Ebony’s stall and Rebecca walks toward him. When I look at Lou, I’m sure the surprised look on her face is mirrored in mine. I don’t think either of us expected her to walk off on her own given her moment outside.
Steve is smiling widely at Rebecca. He holds out his hand and it takes her a few seconds, but she takes it and then starts patting Ebony. Daisy wanders over to Steve and she climbs up to pat the horse as well. I glance at Lou and I see tears forming in the corner of her eye. I squeeze her hand, hoping that me being here is of some comfort to her.
“Are we ready to take them out?” I ask, pulling Lou closer. The girls squeal; their excitement is evident. I release Lou’s hand so I’m able to help Steve with the horses. We guide them outside, Lou and the girls following us.
“Are we ready for a fun walk?” I ask after we’ve sorted the girls and they’re both sitting upon the horses with huge smiles on their faces.
“Yes,” they call out.
“Are you ready?” I ask Lou, handing her the long rein to Daisy’s horse.
She studies me for a moment and has a look at the girls. “Yes, I’m ready, but we’re just going for a walk, right?”
“Of course. We can go back to the house whenever you want.”
A walk, some fresh air, might be what we all need.
“Thank you,” she says softly.
I thank Steve for helping and we set off.
“Can we race?” Rebecca shouts.
“Not today,” I reply.
“We can soon,” Lou tells her daughter with a smile. The girls’ excitement radiates from them, and if I’m not mistaken, Lou looks more relaxed than I’ve seen her.
Chapter Thirteen
Lou
I shiver and pull my cardigan tighter around my body, hoping it will help. But I know it won’t. I’m not shivering from the cold, I’m shivering because of where I am. I kneel down and stare at the fresh flowers I know Maria put here only yesterday morning. She came here before we all went to the water for the picnic.
My eyes dart to the side and I almost laugh when I notice there are no fresh flowers by my brother’s grave.
Why would she leave flowers for him? I know I wouldn’t if I had been in her position.
“All the pain I feel right now, and I blame you, Tony Fraser. I hate that I have Fraser blood running through my veins. I hate that my life is a complete mess. Why couldn’t our life be normal? Why couldn’t you just have loved and treated Maria with the respect she deserved? She and I, we’re no different. She was your wife and my best friend and all you’ve done is cause her pain and suffering. I’ve finally realised the type of man you were. I don’t have a brother. I certainly never wanted one that was as evil as you. I have a sister and she’s a good person.”
I’m not crying, and I don’t intend to ever shed another tear for him. If I had found out everything about him when he was alive, I’d have made sure he was dead. Well, to me, anyway. I must’ve been mad when I decided to have Mark buried beside him. A moment of complete madness. Stupidity, more like.
Turning back to Mark, I smile. I’m proud of him. Sad that he won’t be a part of our lives, but proud that he was prepared to take on Pete in an attempt to save Maria. He finally stood up for what he believed in, what was right; his family. And that’s what I have to remember. I’ll be able to tell our girls how brave their daddy truly was. He died a hero in my eyes.
I glance behind me and, as promised, Giovanni has kept his distance, giving me space and time alone here with my thoughts. Mark would hate that he’s the one to bring me here to him. I loved Mark, there’s no question about that, and not having Giovanni constantly in our lives made it easier on me. And I know how awful that sounds. Selfish. Admitting to Maria all those weeks ago how I felt has brought all my old feelings to the surface and I hate myself for that too.
I hate myself for a lot of things that I’ve done and allowed to go on in my life.
But here and now, I hate that Mark has gone to the grave thinking that I settled for second best. Because it doesn’t matter how much I try to pretty it up, that’s how my life has been. I allowed my life path to be altered by Tony.
“Mark, I’m sorry for bringing you into a world that you never belonged in. What I’ll never be sorry for, and I’ll cherish them until the day I die, is our daughters.”
It’s all I can say. I stay where I am until I feel Giovanni’s hand softly on my shoulder.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“Yes, I’m fine,” I say without turning. My eyes fill with tears.
I didn’t want to cry, not tonight. Not after spending a great day with my girls and Giovanni. My tears fall and there’s nothing I can do to stop them as guilt spreads through me.
Guilt for every damn thing I’ve done and said to both Mark and Giovanni. The hurt I know I’ve caused them with my actions.
“Here, come on.” Giovanni pulls me to my feet and wraps his arms around me. I lean on his shoulder as my tears continue to fall. “We need to get you home.”
“I don’t have a home,” I cry.
“You’ll always have a home.” He kisses the top of my hair and I know I should step out of his hold, but I’m a selfish bitch, and as I stand at my husband’s graveside, I’m taking comfort in the arms of another man. And not any other man, but the man who owns my heart.
I’m going straight to hell.
As my sobbing slows, I pull myself from his shoulder but he keeps a hold of me. “Lou, I’m taking you home. It’s getting late.”
“What time is it?” I ask.
“Nine-thirty.”
“The girls. They should be in bed,” I say, taking a deep breath and trying to pull myself back together.
“Well, then we should get back just in time for you to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight.”
“Thank you.”
He takes my hand and leads me back to his car. I’m either thanking him for all his help or I’m crying on him.
A mess.
We stop by the car and he puts his hands on my shoulders, keeping me at arm’s length. “I promise you, everything will be okay.” I stare at him for a second before nodding slowly. He and Maria can tell me until they are blue in the face, but I’m not sure anything will ever be okay again for me. I don’t think I’m as strong as Maria. Through everything, she’s shown her strength.
* * *
I’ve opened the car door before it’s stopped in front of the house and I’m out the door and running inside. Teresa is walking down the staircase.
“Ah, there you are. The girls are brushing their teeth.”
“Thank you,” I say, passing her on the staircase. I stop at the bathroom door and watch as Rebecca helps Daisy and demonstrates how she should be brushing her teeth. They look so grown up.
And that thought alone has my heart thumping in my chest. Time needs to slow down, or they won’t stay my babies for long.
“Hey, you two,” I say, walking into the bathroom.
“Mummy, you’re home,” Rebecca says. Daisy can’t say much except gargle because of all the toothpaste in her mouth.
“Spit,” I tell her. “Yes. I knew I needed to be home to tuck you both into bed. Have you behaved tonight for Auntie Maria and Teresa?”
“Yes. Can we go out on the horses tomorrow with Giovanni again?” Rebecca asks.
“Sweetheart, I’m sure Giovanni should be getting back to the restaurant to do some work. Unfortunately, he can’t spend all his time with you.”
My daughter stares back at me and pouts. She actually pouts. I’d love to say I have no idea where she gets that from, but I’m sure it’s Maria.
“Mummy?”
Daisy is now staring at me. “What, baby girl?”
“I love the horses.”
“I know you do. You both do. Now, it’s bedtime. Come on.”
I take their hands and we walk through to their bedroom. Rebecca climbs into her bed and I attempt to get Daisy settled in her own, but she’s not having it.
“Mummy, she can sleep with me,” Rebecca says softly, holding back the bedsheets. Daisy jumps out of her bed and straight in beside her sister. I stand and watch as she cuddles into her.
So much has changed recently in their lives; it’s bound to be unsettling. But they have each other and I have them.
And that’s what I need to focus on. Us.
Rebuilding a life.
“Do you want a story tonight?” I ask, already seeing Daisy’s eyes close as she holds onto her sister.
“Not tonight,” Rebecca says softly.
I kiss them and pull the bed sheets around them before switching off the overhead light and leaving the room. With a smile on my face, I make my way back down the stairs. I hear voices in the front room, so I enter, finding Maria curled into Jack on one sofa, and Giovanni sitting on the chair. It’s funny how I don’t feel out of place here.
“That was quick,” Maria says as I sit down on the empty sofa.
“Yes. They didn’t want a story and Daisy wanted to sleep with Rebecca. Now that we’re all here, I think we have a few things we need to discuss,” I say, my eyes darting around the room.
“Do you want me to leave?” Jack asks.
“No, you need to hear this because I’m not sure Maria will listen to me.” He smiles warmly and nudges her. Giovanni studies me. “I want to say this because this affects us all. Giovanni, I’ll start with you.”
He straightens up in the chair. “Gio, I know you feel guilty about Mark’s death, but you shouldn’t.”
“But…”
“No, it’s not your fault, and Maria, you have shouldered enough blame and regrets over the years. I won’t have you feeling bad either.”
“Lou…”
“I’m not listening to either of you, but you have to listen to me. Do I wish he was still here? Of course I do. I hate the thought of bringing up our daughters on my own.”
“Bu…”
“Stop interrupting,” I tell Maria. Jack is smiling. “Let me tell you something, Maria, if it had been me in the car and not Mark, I would’ve been the first one out. Because knowing you had put yourself in danger to protect our daughters is all that would’ve been in my head, and I’m certain that’s what Mark would’ve been thinking about. How he could help you.”
There, I’ve said it, because it needed to be said.
All three of them are staring at me, and although Jack is still smiling, I’m not sure how Maria and Giovanni are taking my little statement. Silence fills the room.
“I’m sorry you and the girls have lost Mark.” Giovanni finally speaks. “And, yes, I wish we could all change how that day unfolded.”
“It is how it is. But I needed to say what was on my mind because none of you are to blame. The blame has to lay with me, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.”
“Enough.” Maria tries to pull herself up from the seat, but Jack is holding her, and for that, I’m grateful. Although, I’ve been so focused on Maria, I don’t hear or see Giovanni until he’s sitting beside me on the sofa.
“You are not to blame,” he says, taking my hand in his.
“Yes, I am. Mark didn’t belong in the world we played a part in. I brought him into it and I’m the one who has to live with that.”
“No, Lou. You don’t, and to carry that burden on your shoulders is too much for you.” Giovanni’s voice is calm, but his hand is shaking as it holds mine. “If you do, this will eat you up and swallow you whole. You have to stay focused on the future. Leave the past where it belongs, but hold onto your memories. Because even I know you have good memories that include Mark.”
“For a man that says some stupid things, when did you become so wise?”
He cracks a smile. I almost laugh and I’m not sure why. “I’ve always been wise, you’ve just not noticed.” The look in his eyes is intense and I have to turn away, breaking whatever is flowing between us.
When I look at Maria, Jack is talking to her, but I can see she’s not listening to a word he says. She’s focused on me and her brother with a smile on her face.
“Okay, now that I’ve said what I wanted to say, after having a good day, I’m going to bed in the hope that I get a good night’s sleep.” I remove my hand from Giovanni’s and get up. I wander over to Maria and kiss her cheek. “Goodnight, you. Goodnight, Jack.”
“Buona notte,” she says, and I smile.
“Night, Gio,” I say before leaving the three of them in the room.
Taking to the stairs, I can’t help but smile.
“Lou…”
I turn to Giovanni’s voice. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong. Do you mean it when you said you had a good day?”
“Yes, and I have you to thank for that. Buona notte.” I lean forward and kiss him. Only on his cheek, but as something pulls me to him, maybe I shouldn’t have kissed him at all.
“Buona notte e sogni d’oro.”
I turn away before I do or say something stupid, but I walk up the stairs with a huge smile on my face.
Chapter Fourteen
Giovanni
It’s early. Really early, and I’m beginning to think I’m the only person awake in the house as I get ready for the day ahead, although I’m certain I’ll find Teresa in the kitchen. The house is unusually quiet, and I don’t like it. I’ve gotten used to the noise of the girls running around, and I actually enjoy listening to them playing or arguing with each other. They don’t argue that much, but it’s obvious to me, an outsider, that they are a credit to Lou and Mark. They’ve somehow managed to keep them well out of the criminal world that surrounded them.
