Past and Future, page 3
She’s still in my arms; only her accelerated breathing can be felt against my body.
“Can you help by giving me a towel?” Her voice is a whisper.
I reach with one hand, pulling the towels on the shelf to the floor.
“Can you manage to stand?” I ask.
“Yes. Please just give me the towel.”
I hold out the largest one that I know will fit around her body. She snatches it from my hand, quickly wrapping it and standing at the same time. “Can you leave?”
“No. I’m not leaving you alone.” She keeps her head down, avoiding all eye contact with me. I take her hand in mine, showing her I’m going nowhere. “Step,” I command.
She does as she’s told and is standing before me, her body shaking and her tears falling. I pull her close to me.
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know what came over me,” she sobs.
“Lou, everything will be fine. Come on and let’s get you dressed. You’ll be getting cold.” I don’t actually know what else to say to her because, right now, I don’t think everything will be okay. I’ve just pulled her from the bath. Was she trying to end her life?
I walk her back into the bedroom, sitting her down on the bed. She looks so fucking lost as she holds onto the towel wrapped around her. I wish I knew what the hell she was thinking about. That way, I might be able to understand and help her.
“Where are your things?” I ask, knowing she needs to get dressed before the kids come back upstairs. She points to the drawer. I go and open the top one and pull out underwear. The next drawer has pyjamas in it. “Can you manage?” I ask, handing over her clothes.
“Yes, I can do it. Can you turn your back?” Her voice is clipped and I want to state that I have, in fact, already seen her naked body, but I somehow don’t think my statement will go down too well.
“You do know we need to talk,” I say with my back to her.
“No, what I need to do is be downstairs with my children.”
“Yes, you do, but…”
“No, Giovanni. I don’t want to talk,” she says, almost storming past me with a towel in her hand. She wraps it around her hair and walks out of the bedroom, and I’m left staring after her, wondering what the hell to do.
First things first, I need to go and change my T-shirt, because this one is wet. Then I should call Maria. Or do I wait until she gets back here? I think I should wait. I don’t want her to be worried the whole journey back. Sometimes the twenty minutes it takes to get here from the city goes quickly, other times it feels so much longer. Especially when the surroundings change to fields instead of all the buildings of the city.
What the hell was going through her head? I want to help her through this, but I’m starting to realise I might not be the best person for that job. Lou needs professional help. Someone who has experience in dealing with this. Someone more qualified than me.
I sigh, leaving her bedroom, and stop in mine, doing a quick change before going downstairs. Daisy is giggling and I smile as I enter the living room. I know Lou told me I wouldn’t be intruding on their time together, but now I’m not giving her the option of me not being here. I’m not letting her out of my sight.
“Giovanni, come and sit with me,” Rebecca calls over to me, patting the couch beside her as I enter the room. Lou huffs. “We’re going to watch Beauty and the Beast,” she tells me.
How appropriate.
Lou and the girls are sitting together with a cover over the three of them. There’s popcorn, sweets, and crisps in small bowls on the table before them, along with cartons of juice and two bottles of water. The girls have thought of everything. Lou has the TV remote in her hand. I sit down beside Rebecca and she snuggles in beside me, offering me some of her cover. I tell her that I don’t need any.
The movie starts and I glance to my side, watching two little girls mesmerised by what’s on the screen. I’m about to turn back to the TV when Lou glances to me, then looks away just as quickly. Daisy is snuggled into her side and seems to be happier than she’s been all day.
It’s been tough on them all, and yes, I know kids are resilient, but it must have an effect on them. There’s no way this will be swept under the carpet. I just hope and pray that when Lou faces her demons, she realises that the kids need her strength and determination to get through this and come out the other side.
I turn my attention back to the movie, trying to ignore the million questions buzzing around my head about Lou. What if I hadn’t got there in time?
It’s no good. I can’t stop thinking about finding her submerged in the bath, the water rippling over her naked body. For a split second, I thought…
She can’t possibly think that her not being here for her girls would help them. She would be leaving them behind, and I know my sister would be left to pick up the pieces of their broken hearts.
Daisy’s laughing pulls my train of thought to now. She looks comfortable and happier, giggling away and singing along with the movie. It’s actually strange watching this because I remember Maria loved it as a child. She would play it all the time. I swear she used to act out some of the scenes too.
My eyes drift to Lou but she doesn’t glance my way. Her eyes are on the TV and I’m sure that’s where they will stay until it’s finished.
* * *
“Is that Auntie Maria home?” Rebecca asks me, also hearing the front door closing and voices in the hallway.
“Yes, I think so. Will we go and see her and let Mummy and Daisy sleep?”
My eyes drift over to Lou who has been asleep for the past thirty minutes with Daisy cuddled right beside her.
“Yes.” Rebecca jumps from the couch and I follow her out of the room, closing the door behind me.
I hope I’m doing the right thing in telling Maria. Deep in my gut, I feel as though I’m betraying Lou, but she needs help. And I think Maria is the person who will be able to help and get through to her the most.
“How did it go?” I ask Maria. Her eyes narrow, studying me. Jack has his hand on her back and is watching me. “Lou and Daisy are sleeping. Let’s go into the kitchen.”
“Okay,” she says, still with her eyes on me. I can’t tell her about Lou in front of Rebecca. That isn’t fair. She’s been through enough already and doesn’t need to hear that.
Teresa and Joe are already in the kitchen and Teresa is making drinks. Rebecca rushes to her side, keen to offer help. Teresa looks at me and I must have a look on my face she knows well, because she pours a glass of milk, gets some cookies from the jar, and she and Joe take Rebecca outside.
“Giovanni, you’re worrying me. What’s wrong?” Maria asks, sitting down at the table. Jack stands behind her and I can see his concern.
“Did everything go okay?”
“Yes, but I’m more interested in what the hell happened here. So help me God, if you’ve upset Lou in any way…”
“Maria… of all the people in the world, you should know I would never hurt Lou.”
“Please, just tell me what’s wrong,” she says, her voice breaking.
“I pulled Lou from the bath.”
I don’t know how else to explain it.
Maria’s body tenses and tears fill her eyes as she realises what I said. Jack’s eyes are full of sorrow and he rubs her shoulder lightly.
“No… why? I need to go to her. Find out what the hell is going through her head.”
“Maria, she needs help and time. But I do think someone should be with her twenty-four-seven until she decides she’s ready to talk.”
Jack sits down and wraps his arm around my sister. “Maria…”
“Jack, I’m fine. Honestly. I just never expected that. I know she’s been trying so hard not to let the kids see how distraught she is, but I didn’t think about how all this is really affecting her. She’s been through so much in a short period of time.”
“You’ve both been through so much, and you’re dealing with it all in different ways,” says Jack, and I nod in agreement with him.
“True,” she says, rubbing her eyes. “What do I do to help her?”
“Be here when she needs you, when she’s ready to open up, because I know it will be you she opens up to.”
I’d love to be the one Lou turns to for help and comfort, but given the history between us, I know it won’t happen. Maria reaches for the crucifix around her neck and clutches onto it, closing her eyes. Hopefully she gets some peace from the silent prayer I know she’s reciting in her head. Jack sits silently, staring at me, and I’m sure both of us are thinking the same thing; everything is such a mess at the moment.
Maria opens her eyes and releases her crucifix, wiping away a lonely tear that falls. It’s been a highly emotional day. The buzzing of her phone grabs all of our attention. With a puzzled look on her face she answers it.
“Hello…. Hello?”
“What’s wrong?” Jack asks the same question I was thinking as she ends the call.
“There was no one there and it was a withheld number.”
“You didn’t hear anything at all?” he asks.
“No. Just the clicking of the call ending.”
“Probably just a wrong number,” I say. “Now, what do you want to do about Lou? I know we’re all here for the kids and Teresa will welcome spending time with them. She must be sick of my face,” I joke.
“If Teresa can do more with the kids, then you and I can take it in turns to look after Lou. I know it will be hard because you have the restaurant and I have lots going on over at Crave.”
“When it comes to family, everything else can be put on hold. I have a manager who can do extra and I’m sure Joe is more than capable of taking care of things at the club until opening day.”
“Maria, I can help out at the club too,” Jack tells her.
With him still being off work, he can do more.
“We will all support her through this,” I say softly.
“I hope so, because if anything happens to her….” She doesn’t continue with her sentence because I’m sure she doesn’t want to think about that. None of us do.
Poor Lou. I just hope she will lean on us.
Chapter Five
Lou
I don’t need to open my eyes to know he’s near. I’ve always been aware of Giovanni’s presence, but more so recently, and that confuses me. But now, I don’t want to face him. I don’t want to look into his eyes and have to explain how I feel, or rather try to. How can I possibly explain that when I have no idea how I feel myself?
I’m the most awful person in the world. I’m a mother to two beautiful girls and I’m all they have left. I thought for one crazy moment that they’d be better off without me. I knew what I was doing when I lowered my body into the water.
A deep manifestation of dread floods me that I have to face the man who pulled my naked body from the bath. He pulled me from the brink, back to my reality, and yes, I’m grateful for that because I can’t imagine not being in my girls’ lives for a long time to come. The compulsion to open my eyes and run from the room before I can focus on him is strong, but I know he would follow me.
I need to open my eyes and ask where my girls are because Daisy is no longer cuddled tightly in beside me.
The first thing I see is darkness as I open my eyes and look toward the window. That means it’s late—really late. There’s one light on in the room and it’s behind Giovanni. It takes me a few minutes to focus. His eyes are on me, and suddenly, my chest tightens. I don’t want to see him. I turn away, closing my eyes, unable to look at him as I think about the shame I feel.
I hear his footsteps crossing the room and feel a dip in the couch as he sits beside me.
“Please go away,” I say softly, still not wanting to face him or have any sort of discussion with him.
“Lou, I’m going nowhere, and the sooner you realise that, the better it will be for us both.”
“Where are my girls?” I ask nervously, opening my eyes and coming face-to-face with him.
“Both tucked up in bed with Maria. Rebecca had a bad dream and wouldn’t settle so Maria has them.”
“Oh. I should be with them,” I say, pulling myself into a sitting position.
“Leave them where they are. You’ll only disturb them again.”
He has a point. “Where is Jack sleeping?”
“In another room. Can I get you anything? Something to eat or drink? You didn’t have anything to eat all day.”
“No.”
“Lou…”
“Giovanni, I’m fine, and I don’t need babysitting.”
“I beg to differ. Lou, I’m here for you. You can talk to me. I won’t judge you.”
“What’s to talk about? I had a moment of weakness. It won’t happen again.”
He reaches out his hands, taking mine in his. “Lou, I can only imagine how you’re feeling. It’s okay to not feel okay. We all want to help you. I want to help you.”
I push his hands away. “You can’t help me!” I shout, rejecting his words. “You can’t possibly understand the pain I’m in. If you’re worried that I’ll do something stupid, then don’t. I’ll be fine.”
Even I know my words are a lie, but I don’t have anything else to say to him. How will I cope on my own? How will I find a way to move forward and provide my girls with a happy and stable home life?
Giovanni reaches out to me, but again, I push him away and pull myself to my feet. I’m dizzy and unsteady. “Come on. Let me help you.”
“Fine,” I mutter reluctantly as he jumps to assist me. “I want to go to my bed.”
“Okay. I’ll help you and then sit with you.”
“Gio…”
“It’s not up for debate or discussion.”
He is trying my patience now. “I want to look in on the girls too.”
“Of course.”
I lean on him for support as we walk through the house and up the stairs. The door to Maria’s bedroom is slightly ajar, so I peek inside. There’s a soft glow coming from a table lamp beside her bed. She’s awake and stroking Rebecca’s hair. She looks up, urging me to come in when she see’s me. Giovanni releases his hold of me, and I walk toward Maria and my babies. I hate that she’s the one caring for them when it should be me comforting them in the middle of the night. I look back over my shoulder and Giovanni is leaning against the doorframe, watching me. Is he going to be watching and waiting for me to trip myself up? I hope not.
“Hey, you. Are they okay?” I ask Maria.
“Yes. Rebecca just had a bad dream and woke up Daisy. Neither of them would settle so I brought them in here with me,” she says in a hushed voice.
“Sorry. I should be looking after them.”
“Don’t be sorry. You need to rest and we’re all here to help.”
“I can take them into bed with me.”
“No, they’re fine. Why don’t you come into bed as well? That way, when they awaken, they get Mummy and Auntie Maria.”
“And I presume if I go to my own room, Giovanni will be staying to look after me.” The guilty look on her face tells me that my assumption is correct. “You do know I don’t need looking after.”
“No. I think after today you do.” I turn away from my best friend, avoiding eye contact. Of course he would tell Maria, but I really wish he hadn’t. “Lou, everything will be okay.”
I lean over and give my girls a kiss. “I’ll be in my own room,” I say quietly. “Wake me as soon as they get up.”
“Lou…” She calls out my name, but I don’t turn back. Instead, I walk out of the room and straight into Giovanni’s waiting arms. He holds me tightly without saying a word and guides me toward my bedroom.
I wish everyone would stop telling me everything will be okay because, right now, I don’t see how it can possibly be okay. I’m the reason my children are going to grow up without their dad, and I have no idea how I’m supposed to live with that.
“Come on. Let’s get you into bed.”
Giovanni pulls the bed sheets down and helps me climb in before tucking the covers around me.
“Stay. Please.”
“I’m staying. I’ll be right here if you need me.”
I watch him with clouded eyes as he settles himself in the chair near the window. The flowers on the windowsill catch my eyes. The colours have all faded and the leaves have fallen. They look as lifeless as I feel. I huddle on the bed, wrapping my arms around myself, and cry.
He’s beside me so quickly that I didn’t even see him moving. He sits on top of the bed sheets and pulls me into him.
“No! Leave me alone!” I cry out.
“I’m not leaving you. I’ll always be here for you. Cry. Let it all out.”
And I do. I cry for every damn good thing I’ve had in my life and lost.
Chapter Six
Giovanni
There’s nothing I can do but cradle her in my arms as she cries. Her fears feel so raw and I’m struggling to believe this is the woman I love and thought I knew so well. But how well can I really know her? We have lived separate lives for so long. She moved on with Mark and her children, and there’s been nothing and no one that’s meant anything to me since then.
My own eyes fill with tears and I blink, trying to fight them away. A crying man is the last thing Lou needs to hear at the moment. I need to keep my strength for her, because I hope that, through time, she’ll lean on me. Her loud cries turn to sobs, and after another ten minutes, her shaking body stills in my arms.
“Can I come in?” I turn to see Maria standing in the doorway.
“Yes.”
She comes in and sits down beside me. I wrap my free arm around her, and she sobs.
“I need her in my life. The girls need her. Giovanni, tell me she’ll get through this.”
“I hope so. But seeing her and you like this is breaking my heart. I’m not sure how to help either of you. Are the kids still sleeping?”
“Yes. I heard Lou’s cries and I’ve asked Jack to listen out for the girls. I needed to be here with her.”
