Past and Future, page 2
Jack and Giovanni are in the car behind us with Joe and Teresa. They’ve all been a tower of support and strength for the girls, Teresa especially. I’ve just wanted to shut myself away from the world and Teresa has taken over all responsibilities that I would normally do where my children are concerned.
I’ve been lost to the darkness that haunts me at night and there’s no way to escape it. It pulls at me, feeding off my lost emotions, taking me hostage.
I really wish I hadn’t agreed to a wake. Everyone will have a story to tell about Mark and I’m not sure I’m ready to hear their tales. Not yet, anyway. Although, I’m sure everyone will only have good things to say about Mark. He was a family man and was always proud of that; everyone knew how he felt about me and our daughters.
When we get to the restaurant, I’ll need to hold myself together and put on a show. Pretend. That’s something I know how to do very well.
I’ll be in a room full of people, but in my heart I’ll be alone.
I’m alone and scared.
I close my eyes, allowing my tears to fall yet again as I silently cry for everything we’ve lost.
Chapter Two
Giovanni
Grief is consuming her and there’s nothing I can do to help, except be here when she needs me. Right now, she doesn’t want comfort or support; she wants to swim in her own grief. I’ll only let that go so far, as will Maria, because neither of us will stand back and ignore her as she drowns.
I’m standing at the bar with Jack beside me. He’s talking but I’ve zoned out. I’m watching Teresa and the girls as they sit at a table and she keeps them quietly entertained, whilst Lou is being greeted by men who are strangers to me. Men who have avoided Jack like the plague after realising who he is.
On any other day, I would find that highly amusing. I’m sure Jack is seeing the funny side of today’s awful situation. Here amongst all these gangsters and hard men is DCI Jack McKenzie, keeping himself to himself, trying to mind his own business. Although I’m fairly certain there are at least a few men in here that Jack would gladly put behind bars. There were a few of Jack’s officers at the church and cemetery, just making sure proceedings went according to plan. Craig is around here somewhere; I’m sure his loyalty is to ensure Jack’s safety. It might be a funeral, but I know a few of the gangsters in here would love to have a pop at Jack.
Maria has stayed close to Lou since we arrived. I know she doesn’t want to be here, but out of duty and loyalty to her closest friend, she is. All these people want to pay their respects and that’s the only reason Lou is here. Right now, as she and Maria are talking to a man called Freddie White, I can see how tired she is. Her colour has been off for days, but today, her skin is greyer than normal. It doesn’t matter how much of a brave face she puts on, I can see through it. I see the pain she’s carrying deep within; the pain she’s hiding from everyone else.
I know it’s early days, but if she keeps trying to cover up how she’s feeling, it won’t do her any good in the long term. All it will do is cause her more pain.
She has to grieve.
I’ve laid in my bed night after night since Mark was murdered, dealing with my own regrets, but I’ve also listened to her tears and screams. There’s nothing worse, wanting to go and comfort her but knowing I can’t. Or knowing I shouldn’t because of my own feelings for her. Maria has been the one who has gone to her each night and tried to comfort her.
This whole situation is completely wrong. Mark had so much to live for. Why did he have to run from the car? Why couldn’t he just wait?
Because he’d heard what Lou had said, about what Pete threatened to do to Rebecca. He heard, like we all heard, how Maria gave herself up to spare a child. He was going to rape a child. I know I’m still struggling to come to terms with that. He was an evil bastard, but never did I think he was capable of that. Although, given what he did to poor Colette, nothing should surprise me. That still gives me chills just thinking about her and her unborn child; butchery.
I’ve tried more than once to talk to Maria about that day. To find out what Pete did to her. She maintains he never got to touch her in that way. And that’s a blessing. The physical pain and injuries to her leg after he hit her with a spade she’ll heal from eventually, but I’m worried about the emotional pain. That’s something that is going to take more than time.
I know Lou is thankful to Maria for protecting Rebecca. I smile, thinking of my sister. She would put her own life on the line time and time again to protect those kids. And that I can understand having been around them.
Two innocent children that should be protected from this violent world.
“Are you even listening to a word I’ve said?” Jack says, giving me a nudge.
I turn to face him. “Truthfully? No.”
“No, I can see that. Your worried about her, aren’t you?”
“I’m worried about them both. Lou is putting on a brave face, and my sister, well, yes. I’m worried about how she’s coping.”
“Maria is coping. She’s talked to me about that day in detail. Where Maria is concerned, don’t worry. Let me put her back together, because that’s what I intend to do.” I smile because he’s a good man who loves my sister. “Now, Lou is different. She’s not spoken about that day. And before you say anything, yes, I’ve heard her screams in the middle of the night like you, and Maria has tried to comfort her, but she’s pushing her away. Maria’s worried.”
That gives me cause for concern. “Lou needs time. It’s only been two weeks. Hopefully we can help pick her up and get her life back on track.” Sadness fills me as I think about Lou, wondering if she will even let us. I can’t dwell on that. “Now, to change the subject, when are you going to ask her?”
My eyes dart across the room, and as if sensing us watching her, Maria looks in our direction and smiles.
“Soon, because if I don’t, I might chicken out of it,” Jack says with a hint of laughter.
There’s no chance of that happening. He loves my sister as much as I love Lou. He’ll ask her when the time is right. He took me by surprise a few weeks ago when he asked for my permission to marry my sister. I never had Jack down for a man with old-fashioned values, and I know my parents would approve of him. I’d go as far as saying, if my mum was alive, she would be pushing them together. She’d love that Jack was an honest man who would do anything to keep Maria safe.
I’m certain my parents would have given their blessing to their relationship, and so I did when he spoke to me.
Lou sighs heavily as the last person talking to her and Maria walks away. They head toward us and Jack orders two drinks for them. A few people stop Lou and she clutches hard onto the bag in her hand and bites the corner of her mouth. Lou’s not used to all this attention. She checks on the girls, who are with Teresa, before joining us. Jack wraps his arms around Maria as he hands her a glass of wine.
“Are you okay?” I ask, handing Lou the other glass of wine.
“Yes. No. Oh, I don’t know.” She takes a drink and puts the glass down on the bar. “I know I should stay here, but I want to leave.”
Maria shrugs her shoulders as she looks at me, sadness and concern filling her eyes. “Giovanni, please could you take me and the girls back?” Lou’s low voice pleads with me.
“Of course. Steve can drive us as soon as you’re ready,” I say, looking over at Steve. He’s standing with Joe; both sets of eyes are scanning the restaurant. Always working. Joe will be used to watching for the first sign of trouble, but hopefully now that won’t be the job he does. I’m imagining life for him will be much quieter. Trouble shouldn’t follow Maria, not anymore.
My eyes close, only briefly, but given today has been highly emotional, it comes as no surprise that the vision flooding my mind is that of Mark’s lifeless body on the floor of the stables. It’s a vision I’m sure will remain with me for the rest of my life. It haunts me, especially when I see his daughters. Two beautiful little girls he cherished.
I open my eyes and Lou finishes the rest of her wine. “I’m ready. I’ll get Rebecca and Daisy. Maria, will you stay and apologise to anyone that I’ve not spoken to?”
“Of course I will. Hopefully it won’t be long until everyone starts heading home or going wherever they’re going. Go on and take care of my nieces. We’ll be back at the house later.”
“Thank you,” Lou says, giving Maria a tight hug before going to get the girls.
“Giovanni, please look after her. I’m worried,” Maria says softly.
“I will.”
Of course I will. I won’t sit back and watch the woman I love fall. She’s in complete misery right now. She needs friends to be there for her. She approaches me with Daisy in her arms and Rebecca by her side. I hold out my arms and Rebecca jumps into them. I hold her against me. We say a quiet goodbye to Jack and Maria and slip out of the restaurant un-noticed.
“When we get back to the house, you should go and rest I’ll take care of these two,” I offer as we all get in the car.
“I’m not sure. I just want to be with my babies.”
My heart is torn hearing her softly spoken words. We sit in silence as Steve drives the car back to the estate. There’s this deep connection between us, or on my part, at least. I feel the pain she’s in and I want to help her through this. But I also know that, right now, I can’t help her until she wants my help.
When she does, I’ll be right beside her, holding her hand.
Chapter Three
Lou
It’s taken all the strength I have to get me through the day so far, and now, I don’t have to pretend. Now, I get to sit with my children, watch a movie or something.
“Giovanni, can you look after them until I’ve had a shower?” I ask as soon as we enter the house. I want to wash away the day.
“Of course. Why don’t I run you a bath? Then after, you and the kids could curl up and watch a movie. I’m certain Teresa has a whole cupboard in the kitchen filled with snacks and goodies just for them.”
“Okay, I’ll go for a bath, but I’m more than capable of running it myself. The girls can pick a movie while waiting for me and if you want to join us…” I leave my question hanging in the air.
“I don’t want to intrude.”
“You won’t be intruding, and this is your home,” I say softly. He nods. “Girls, be good for Giovanni. Mummy is going for a bath and then we can all watch a movie together.”
“Can we have ice cream and popcorn?” Rebecca asks.
“Of course,” says Giovanni. “I bet you both know where to find everything.”
“We do.” Rebecca beams at him.
I bet they do. Teresa has them spoiled.
“Girls, how about you two get into your pyjamas first.”
“But it’s still day time.” Rebecca crosses her arms and frowns at me. I look to Giovanni for help, but he can only shrug his shoulders, and again, I’m reminded of Mark. He would do the same thing in this situation. He would let them get away with anything.
“We can have a pj day,” I tell her.
Daisy seems a little distant as she stands by her sister. I suppose that’s only to be expected; today has taken its toll on us all. Spending the rest of the day together is what we need.
Rebecca rushes up the stairs, followed by a chorus of, ‘slow down,’ from both me and Giovanni. Daisy doesn’t move and Giovanni picks her up. She giggles and he walks up the stairs before me with my baby in his arms. Wearily, I climb the stairs, which feels like a mountain today. When he reaches the top, Giovanni puts Daisy down and she slowly walks into her bedroom.
“Will she manage getting changed?” he asks.
“Yes, and if she doesn’t, Rebecca will help her.”
His whole body relaxes. Poor man; he thought he’d have to help her. It’s easy to forget he hasn’t been in their lives for long. They’re all so at ease with each other.
“Ah, okay. I’ll go and change from my suit. If you need anything, just shout,” he says.
“I’ll be fine, and I’ll join you all in the living room with whatever goodies Teresa has stashed away.”
He smirks, entering his bedroom, leaving the door open. My eyes continue to follow him as he removes his suit jacket, then his tie…
I shake my head and move my feet. The day of my husband’s funeral and I was about to watch another man undress.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Entering my bedroom, I pause, my eyes darting around. It’s not really my bedroom. It’s just a room that was allocated to Mark and me when we arrived here. My thoughts are all over the place. There’s no pattern to them and they certainly don’t make any sense. The bed still has many items of clothing sprawled across it. I couldn’t make up my mind what I wanted to wear this morning. I changed my outfit four times. Every time I looked in the mirror, nothing I wore looked right, suitable.
I sigh, looking at the mess I left behind, which I should put away. Instead, I walk into the en-suite bathroom and start filling the bath and removing my black dress.
As my dress falls to the floor, I stare at the blackness and all it represents. Today, it’s death and destruction. Tears fill my eyes as my body quivers. I thought, stupidly, that today would help heal the pain, but if anything, it seems to have intensified the deep emptiness that fills me.
Steam fills the room quickly as the hot water runs fast, filling up the bath.
Even as I close my eyes, I still see his face, hear his tender, loving voice. He’s still here with me. And I’m scared, frightened about bringing up the girls on my own. What kind of role model will I be to them? Opening my eyes, I try to pull myself together. For what reason, I don’t know. There’s no one here with me. I don’t have to pretend or put on a show. I turn on the cold water tap knowing that the bath will be far too hot to step into. This proves I’m actually thinking about myself.
I smile, surprised at the thought.
Switching off the taps, I check the water before climbing in and allowing my body to adjust to the heat. I relax back, resting my head on the bath and closing my eyes, desperately hoping that my thoughts take me to a place filled with happiness.
But they don’t.
Why would I expect my thoughts to be happy ones? Today of all days.
He pulls the gun from the back of his trousers and points it at my baby’s head. I’m helpless as I fall to the ground with Daisy in my arms.
“You fucking bastard,” Maria shouts at him.
“Whatever. I’m the one in control.”
Maria takes a step toward him. “Pete, let Rebecca go. She’s only a child.”
“No. She can be another victim of my growing collection.”
I bite down on the inside of my mouth, hearing his words.
“Let her go. You don’t want to hurt her,” Maria says calmly.
“Oh, I don’t know.” He runs the gun down the side of my precious girl’s face. Rebecca is crying and scared, so scared that she wets herself.
This can’t be happening. This can’t be real.
“Her innocence is appealing.”
I hear the meaning behind his words and I’m sure Maria does too. He can’t take that away from her.
“You can get what you want,” Maria says.
Pete stares at her, a wicked grin on his face, and he lowers the gun. “No questions?”
“No questions and you’ll get no fight from me.”
No. She can’t do this. I grab her leg. “No, Maria. Please, no.”
“I have no choice. When he lets her go, you take the girls and get as far away to safety as you can.”
“But…”
“No buts. Promise me.”
“This is all very touching.” Pete positions the gun back to Rebecca’s head. “Three, two…”
“No!” I scream, sitting up in the bath. Sweat drips from my brow. The events of that day play over in my head again like it was just yesterday. I wish they didn’t. But if my thoughts keep going there, what about Rebecca and Daisy? What must be going through their heads? They’ve both gone through it too.
I couldn’t protect them.
I allowed that evil bastard into our lives.
This is my fault.
What sort of mother am I?
It’s my fault their daddy isn’t coming home.
I lower myself back down in the water. With my eyes closed, I can feel my head slipping down the back of the bath. Warm water splashes around my ears.
I’m not fit to be a mother. I stood back and watched that bastard hold a gun to my daughter’s head.
Lowering my head, the water flows over my lips. Would it take seconds or minutes for it to take my life?
There’s only one way to find out and end the agony I’m living in.
Chapter Four
Giovanni
As I send the girls downstairs to find the goodies Teresa has for them, I’m relieved they don’t question me about the scream. I hope that means they didn’t hear it.
I stand watching them until they’re safely at the bottom of the stairs before turning back and running along the hallway to check on Lou. I open the door, unsure of what I’m about to find. She’s not in the bedroom. My eyes cast to the bathroom door. I hesitate, but only for a moment before entering.
Shit.
My heart is pounding, and time freezes as I take in the sight before me; Lou’s naked body slumped in the bath. The water covering her face. She won’t be able to breathe.
“Lou! Why?”
I grab her shoulders, pulling her naked, lifeless body back above the water as I sink to the floor, feeling helpless. I smooth her hair back from her face. She coughs and splutters and I pull her close to me, holding and protecting her from the demons that haunt her. “Lou, talk to me. I’m here to help.”
