Past and Future, page 5
“Okay, I’ll just keep a careful eye on things and hopefully we’ll have no more incidents,” Steve says.
“Thank you,” I say to him, and he walks toward the stables.
I know Steve will be more careful around the estate. I’m not the only person who has adjusted to having Lou and the girls here. We’ve all become very protective of them and that comes as no surprise.
I’m sitting here outside on my own, knowing that Maria is inside the house comforting Lou. I couldn’t stay indoors doing nothing to help. Hearing her sobs is breaking me, and dealing with the unknown is scaring me.
My natural instinct is to go to her. She’s the woman I love. I want to protect her and the kids, shelter them from the darkness of the world we live in. Or better still, pack some clothes and whisk them away to my villa.
That’s not a bad idea.
But I’m not sure Lou would actually go for it. I laugh. I’m sure whatever I say, she’ll argue with me about it because this is me.
I want to believe that better things are around the corner for us all, but something tells me to be cautious.
* * *
“Did you have a good day?” Lou asks the girls as she engulfs them in her arms.
She’s missed them. Her body finally relaxes now they’re home. Jack and Teresa come into the living room carrying what looks like dinner in the bags, but Jack also has two cuddly toys in his arms. Looks like he’s kept them on side by spoiling them. I would’ve done the same. They deserve to be spoiled.
“Oh, Mummy, we did. It was great. The next time we go to the zoo, you and Auntie Maria have to come with us to see the penguins,” Rebecca says, her voice full of excitement. Daisy bounces on the spot but she also looks worn out, whereas Rebecca looks wide awake and all set to tell her mum about her day. When I look at Jack, he looks pleased with himself. He’s kept them occupied and made them happy and they’ve all come home in one piece. Mission accomplished.
“If everyone is hungry, let’s go to the kitchen and have some dinner,” I say, taking the bags from Teresa, who is looking around the room with narrowed eyes.
“How has she been?” Teresa asks me discreetly.
“Cried most of the day.”
“That’s a good sign.”
“I hope so. How much food did you get?” I ask when we enter the kitchen. Joe is already putting containers on the table.
“Enough to feed us all and a wee bit extra,” Teresa says with a warm smile. “And we didn’t know what everyone wanted.”
“So, you just got a bit of everything.”
“Something like that,” Joe says as I walk toward him. His body is tense, and I can only hazard a guess to the reason why. This morning’s unusual gift. “Has everything been okay?”
“Yes. I’ve made a few calls, but no one is any the wiser as to where it came from. But I have got someone looking at the CCTV to see if they can find out anything about the time lapse that Steve found.”
“Let’s hope it brings us some answers.”
I nod, even though I’m not sure we’ll like any of the answers that come back to us.
Noise and laughter fills the kitchen as Maria, Lou and the girls join us. It’s refreshing to hear the children. Everyone takes a seat around the table, except Teresa, but I insist she sits down, much to her annoyance. She’s a woman who always likes to be doing something, but she’s done enough for today. Jack and I get plates, cutlery, and drinks for everyone.
When I finally sit down, I look around the table. My heart is filled with so much love for each person here with me.
I can’t let anything bad happen to any of my family. They’ve all been through so much; some more than others.
I will do whatever it takes to protect them.
Although I hope I don’t need to.
Chapter Nine
Lou
I wrap my arms around the girls’ shoulders as they squeal with delight. Everyone is clapping and cheering and I smile as Maria’s eyes meet mine. I can see the conflict of emotion she’s facing, when she shouldn’t. Jack told me his plans and I was more than happy for him to pop the question. I think we all needed something to celebrate. I’ve hardly been full of the joys the past few weeks. But it’s hard watching on, even though I’m happy for her, when my own life is surrounded with so much misery and darkness.
Maria deserves happiness more than anyone I’ve ever known, especially after everything she’s been through. Sadness fills my soul knowing what I’ve lost. What my girls have lost. Their dad. He worshipped the ground we walked on.
Maria has been blaming herself for his death. We’ve talked at length in the last few days and she feels responsible, because if it wasn’t for her, Pete wouldn’t have been here that day. I’ve tried explaining to her that Pete was sick and twisted, but she’s not listened to me. I can’t allow her to keep blaming herself, especially when there is only one person to blame. Me. I brought him into our dark world. A world he never belonged in.
This is all my fault and I have to find a way to live with that.
“Can I go over?” Rebecca asks me, and I can hear the excitement in her voice and see the sparkle in her eyes.
“Go on.” Daisy looks up at me, her little eyes sparkling. “Both of you go on over and see Auntie Maria’s ring.”
I stand and watch my babies rush over. She grabs them in her arms and cuddles them. So many thoughts are going through my head. I never expected to feel so… down. So alone.
I feel his hand on my shoulder before he says my name. “Lou, are you okay?” There’s concern in his voice.
“Yes. No. Hell, I don’t know,” I say without turning to face him. I don’t want to see the pitying look on his face. The one I’ve seen too many times over the last few weeks. The look he’s had since pulling me from the bath tub.
“Lou… it’s okay to be upset. Fuck, it’s okay to be mad with the world. If it helps, be mad at me, but don’t shut us out. I’m here for you and the girls.”
I turn around, my eyes meeting his, and conflicting emotions run over his face. He’s lost. Giovanni, the man I fell in love with when he was only a boy, doesn’t know what to do or say, and that’s not fair on him.
It’s not been fair on him since the day he brought us all here to stay to keep us safe. It was meant to be a safe place. But I don’t think there would’ve been anywhere in the world that was safe when Pete was alive.
“You don’t have to be here for us. Fuck, I shouldn’t even still be staying with you.”
“I’ve told you and I’ll continue telling you until I’m blue in the face. This is your home for as long as you want to stay. The girls could do with some stability. Where else will you go?”
He’s got a point, but I don’t want my girls to become dependent on him, and these last few days, I’ve seen that happening.
“Gio, you have been more than generous, but I think I need to sort myself out. Find us somewhere to stay.”
He smiles warmly. “You sound exactly like her.” I follow his eyes across to where Maria is sitting, and I smile too, because he’s right. We’re too alike. “If you leave, taking the girls, Maria will struggle. I know she will. You two need each other. Always have and always will.”
“She has Jack now.”
“Yes, she does, but the relationship you two share is one that can’t be broken. You will always have each other.”
I glance around; everyone is happy and excited. It’s the first I’ve seen it in weeks, maybe even months, yet here I stand feeling ashamed. “I think I’ll take the girls back to the house. I’m tired.”
“Lou…” Giovanni moves and stands before me, his eyes fixed on mine, searching for answers. “If you’re tired, then I’ll walk back to the house with you, and I know I’m going to speak out of turn…”
“Well, don’t,” I snap.
“Too late. Lou, the girls are happy and relaxed today. Please give them the option to either stay with Maria and everyone or go to the house.”
I hear what he’s saying, and I have to stop myself from opening my damn mouth and shouting at him. What the hell does he know about bringing up kids? Instead, I find myself saying, “Maria isn’t fit enough to look after them. She can’t run after them, and today is her day.”
“You’re making excuses. Teresa will be here, and you know she’ll look after them because she’s grown fond of them. Now, stop whatever thoughts are in your head and get over there and wish your best friend all the happiness in the world with Jack. Because so far, out of everyone here, you are the only one that hasn’t, and that’s not you. I hate that you’re hurting and, believe me, I wish I could trade places with Mark so you and the girls would still have him with you.”
His face falls, and as I take in his words, I hear the distress in his voice. He really means it. Shit. I need to sit down and talk about that day with him and Maria. I don’t want them carrying the burden of Mark’s death. He did what I would’ve done knowing that Maria had put her own life on the line to save our girls, and I know I’ll never be able to repay her for that. We haven’t spoken about what went on in the stables and I’m scared to ask Maria for the details.
“I’ll go and speak to Maria, and if the girls want to stay then they can, as long as Teresa is happy to look after them.”
He smiles and leaves me, walking straight to Teresa and Joe. I wander across the grass to where Maria is sitting back down in the chair.
“Hey, you,” she says softly as I sit down beside her. Jack is standing with Craig and his wife, and the girls are running around.
“Well, show me,” I say. She lifts up her left hand and I gasp, seeing the ring on her finger. So delicate and elegant. “It’s beautiful, just like you.”
“He has good taste.” She smiles in his direction. “Are you okay?”
“Yes.”
“Lou! It’s me. You don’t have to pretend. We’re family.”
“Okay. I’m a lot more emotional than I expected to be, and I knew he was going to propose…”
I cover my mouth with my hands.
“Really?”
“Oh, Maria, yes. He told me this morning. I was meant to keep that to myself.”
She takes my hand in hers. “Never mind that. It’s okay for you to feel emotional. But I’ll tell you this. I’ll put off getting married until I have my best friend back in a good place. After all, I’ll need your help, and the girls’.”
I smile and I know she means it. “I’ll get there because I have good family to help me,” I say as tears fill my eyes. It’s all I can say because it’s the truth, and I want to believe I’ll get through this. Although at the moment I don’t see it. “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry today.”
“Hey, enough. You need to stop being so hard on yourself. Tears are okay.”
“I’m tired and going to go back to the house. I think the girls will want to stay here.”
“Of course they will. I’ll look after them.”
“Gio was going to ask Teresa to look after them.” Maria raises her eyebrows at me and I can already see her mind racing off at a hundred miles an hour. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?” She pouts.
“I don’t know. Also, the three of us have to sit down and talk. Do you know he wishes he was dead instead of Mark?”
She offers me a sad smile and I have my answer. It makes sense that they would’ve spoken about this. “This is all so fucked up.” Maria blames herself, Giovanni blames himself, and I blame me.
“Hasn’t that been the story of our lives?”
She laughs and so do I. “I do love you,” I say. “And I’m so happy for both of you. Considering he’s a detective, he’s actually okay. I like him and I’m sure everything will work out for him at his meeting to go back to work.”
Jack was asked to take some leave while an investigation was ongoing into the circumstances of Pete’s death. The only people who know what Jack did are here. He’s actually one of the good guys and I never thought I’d find myself saying or thinking that. He killed Pete to protect the woman he loves. That’s what I call commitment, although I’m not sure his superiors share my opinion. It boils down to his word over the actions of a dead, violent thug and my husband. Neither of whom can clarify what happened that day. I told Jack soon after the incident that he couldn’t admit his guilt for Pete’s death. As far as everyone else is concerned, Pete and Mark were both at fault on the day. And I’m happy for it to stay that way if it means he gets back to work.
“I’m glad you like him and I’m sorry. For everything.”
I pull my hand from hers and put both of mine over my ears. “I’m not listening.” I stand and give her a kiss on her cheek. “Tomorrow we talk with Gio.” The sternness of my own voice surprises me.
“Okay. Now go and rest. The girls will be fine.”
I know they will be fine because all the bad men that were in their lives have gone, and they won’t be coming back.
Giovanni is waiting for me as I tell the girls to behave for Maria and Teresa. Teresa tells me not to worry about them and that if I’m sleeping when they all get back, she’ll put them to bed. I honestly can’t thank everyone enough for all they’ve done to support me and the kids.
As I walk toward him, I hear the girls running around, playing. With a last look over my shoulder, I smile, knowing they will enjoy the rest of the afternoon, but there’s a deep ache in my chest and I’m not sure it will ever leave me.
There’s still an ever-present strain between us and I hate the fact it’s still there. Giovanni has gone above and beyond for my family and all I seem to do is cause him pain. Maybe that’s the reason we’ve stayed out of each other’s lives over the years, because of all the pain that was caused. I broke both our hearts the night I left him.
Since the night Mark and I fled our house, I’ve wanted to at least try and clear the air between us, but there was just so much going on. Now there’s not, but I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do. He was my friend before there was ever anything else between us, and now more than ever, I need him as a friend.
I tilt my head as we near the house, getting a proper look at him. He’s tired too. I need to remember that his life has been turned upside down over the last few months with everything Maria has gone through. And now there’s me, a grieving woman with two small children, who doesn’t have any idea of what the hell she’s going to do with her life.
So much has changed around me, and I feel stuck in a dark hole with no prospects of clawing my way out.
“Lou.” I hear him calling my name, but I find myself staring past him into the distance and not looking at anything in particular. “Let’s get you inside,” he says, gently taking my hand and tugging me toward the door.
He guides me into the house and straight into the sitting room. Since we’ve been here, it’s not a room that’s been used much. There’s been so much for the kids to do that not once have they asked for the TV on, and that’s not a bad thing.
Walking toward the couch, Giovanni guides me to sit down. I know he’s here beside me, yet he seems so far away. I close my eyes and all I see is Mark’s face smiling brightly at me. The vision in my head is from the day I gave birth to Rebecca. He was so happy to have her; we both were. Tears fall from my eyes that I can’t control. He was a good man who found himself mixing with the wrong crowd.
My babies are going to grow up without the most important man in their lives and it’s all my fault.
I crumble as darkness pulls me under a sea of emptiness.
Chapter Ten
Giovanni
She’s completely lost.
Anyone could be here with her now and she wouldn’t know who was trying to comfort her. But I’m glad it’s me. This breaks my heart into a million pieces. I hate seeing her like this. But it’s what she needs. For weeks, she’s put on a brave face, put her own grief to the side for the sake of her children, and that’s what any good mother would do, given the circumstances. Even after the bath tub incident, she put her feelings to the side. She carried on regardless, but we all know it would come to a head at some point.
Today has just been too emotional, and I’m sure it’s stirred memories of her and Mark, maybe planning their own wedding.
I sit beside her and wrap my arms around her, pulling her close to me, hoping and praying that she accepts the comfort I’m offering and doesn’t push me away.
I meant what I said to her. If there was any way for me to go back in time and trade places with Mark, I would. He was a good man and deserved to see his daughters grow up into the beautiful and amazing women I’m sure they will become.
Her body shakes against mine as she cries, and I know there are no words I can say to ease the pain. I sit back farther into the couch and pull her back with me, and I’m reminded of the night all those years ago when we said goodbye to each other. She was upset then at Tony. He was forcing her to stop seeing me. We were both young, and at the time, I thought it was for the best, especially when things with him and Maria developed quickly. Back then, I hoped she would get over me, move on with her life, and she did.
I never got over her and I never will. She’s my first and last love. She’s the woman my heart belongs to.
She lifts her head and pushes her hands against me. “Leave me alone,” she cries. “I want Mark.”
“No. I’m staying right here with you.” Her glazed eyes seem to focus on me and I see fear in them. “Lou, I’m your friend. You’re exhausted to the point that I’m worried about you. Really worried. All you do is look after the girls. You have to let someone look after you.”
“But…”
“No buts. You are going to rest. The girls are well looked after and I’m here to look after you. So for just this once, let me help you.”
Lou stares at me, but I’m not even sure she can see me. There’s a deep darkness washing over her. A look I’ve only seen once before in my life, and I’d hoped and prayed I’d never see this look again. I close my eyes as my memory takes me back in time to a place I don’t want to be; a few weeks after my mother had been raped. Back then, she was so consumed with keeping up appearances, if only for Maria, but that didn’t work out well for her.
