Vice, Virtue & Video, page 6
“James, this isn’t a goddamned Disney movie! Fuck her throat!” Eva shouts harshly. “And aim for her eyes when you come.”
No, thank you. I fake speeding up, but refuse to go deeper. I’m starting to feel really bad for Savannah. Most girls I do scenes with have personalities, emotions. They’re professionals who like sex and enjoy exploring all kinds of kinky shit. At no point do I feel like I’m abusing them because we’re all on the same page. This whole thing just feels dark. Dark and creepy. Unfortunately, thinking about some of the awful things I’ve done to this poor girl doesn’t exactly put me in a sexy mood and I start worrying about going soft before I can finish this fuckin’ disaster.
I close my eyes and try to picture something else, but I keep having flashes of the things I’ve done to Savannah. I want this to be over. I’ve never done a scene where I wanted to stop everything and bolt out the door. I’ve never had sex that felt so … unsexy. This feels harsh. It feels sadistic. It feels wrong.
I’m never going to get out of here until I come, so I do everything I can to try to get into the right headspace. I picture my very first scene with Shawnna Hendrix. I was a nervous 19-year-old, but she made me feel so at ease. She ended up requesting me for a bunch of other movies before she retired. I remember thinking it was kind of cool that she was older than me. It reminded me of how I used to bang Mrs. Landry when I was supposed to be working on landscaping her yard for my dad’s company. That makes me think about her daughter, Brooke Landry, my seventh grade girlfriend. She was a virgin and I’m really big, so I was kind of freaked out about hurting her, but I remember feeling totally psyched when I made her come. Her very first orgasm.
This, of course, reminds me of Lola. I gave Lola her first orgasm too. She was 18 at the time. We were joking around about my movies when she accidentally let it slip that she’d never had an orgasm. I was all too eager to help her out with that little problem and, the next thing I knew, I was rubbing her clit and watching her come for the very first time. The sounds of her moans were like a symphony to me and the look on her face was fuckin’ gorgeous. She was making these little gasping sounds and she started whimpering, then her whole body trembled in this big explosion of pleasure. It took her a couple minutes to recover and I felt super proud of myself for being able to make her feel so good with just my fingertips.
The memory of Lola’s sweet little moans rings through my ears and I can feel myself reaching my peak. Lola can get me there. Lola’s my happy place. She’s the thing my mind can focus on to take me out of this godawful moment. I’m seeing little images of her body in my mind—the curve of her full, round tits, the heart shape of her ass, her little bellybutton, her luscious, pouty lips, her big, beautiful, light brown eyes. I picture her lying under me as I slowly make love to her, watching that euphoric expression start to spread across her face. Before I know it, my thoughts of Lola overwhelm me.
“Ohhh! Fuck!” I moan as I come, surprising myself when I nearly call out Lola’s name.
Savannah is a human receptacle and she takes it all over her face. I feel bad again, but hey, at least it’s over now.
I clean up and practically sprint to my car. I just want to be out of there. I feel sick on the drive. I’ve never done that before, never had sex with a girl who didn’t want to have sex with me. I’ve never been that forceful, never taken a girl against her will. Savannah didn’t struggle, but I got the distinct feeling that this was most definitely against her will.
I feel like a fuckin’ monster. I’m not that guy, the guy who’s all rough and mean with chicks. I got into this business because I love women, I have my whole life, and I like pleasuring them, not doing some weird, sadistic torture shit to them. In my real life, nothing puts a smile on my face quite like making a girl come and I always make it a point to do that on every scene that I shoot. There was no way to do that today because I’m seriously thinking that Savannah doesn’t have the ability to experience pleasure—or maybe pain for that matter, because a normal girl would have been screaming and crying after some of that shit.
When I get home, I sit on my couch for hours just staring into space. I keep getting these horrible flashbacks of what I did to Savannah, the way she pretended to like it when I knew it hurt her. I’m totally freaked out at the way the skin on her ass was bright red and swollen by the time I was done and how I became more barbaric and violent with each passing minute. I didn’t get into this business to hurt girls. But I did. Today I did. I reached a level of cruelty I never thought I would hit, a level I never wanted to get to. That was no kinky fun back there, that was sexual torture and I fuckin’ hate myself for participating in it.
My head snaps to the door when I hear the lock turn. Lola enters with a smile, but it immediately drops from her face when she sees the state I’m in. She drops her purse on the ground and rushes over to me, wrapping her arms around me protectively. I swallow hard and try to stay composed, but I can’t help it, I start crying.
“Oh, honey,” she says, cradling my head to her chest as I curl into her, holding her like she’s the last life vest on the Titanic. “It’s ok. It’s gonna be ok.”
She strokes my hair soothingly and it feels good. It makes me feel safe, like as long as I’m close to her I won’t feel like such a monster. Lola doesn’t see me that way. As far as she knows, I’m kind and gentle. That’s the way I always am with her so she probably wouldn’t even think I could do some awful shit like I did today.
Thinking about the contrast from the way I am with Lola to the way I was this afternoon makes me cry harder. I feel like the dam has been blown to smithereens and everything’s coming out. I’m mad at myself. I’m ashamed at what I did. I’m freaked out that thinking about Lola was the only way I could come. I’m confused about the meaning of all this. I’m normally so chilled out and I’m not used to this flood of negative emotions.
“What’s the matter, baby?” she says softly, holding me close.
“I did Eva’s video,” I weakly reply.
“Oh,” she says with surprise. We’ve discussed this video a lot and Lola always tells me I need to talk to Rick about my hard limits so I won’t get sucked into shit like this.
“It was … just … really bad,” I add with a sniffle.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” she whispers as she raises my head up and wipes my tears away with her little hands. The touch of her skin is so reassuring that I have to close my eyes as her warmth radiates into me.
“I can’t tell you,” I murmur. My voice sounds hoarse and gravely and my throat’s all tight.
“Why not?” she sweetly asks me.
“Because you’ll never talk to me again. The things I did … horrible, reprehensible things … I don’t want you to think less of me. I like the way you are with me so much and you’ll never want to hang out with me again if I tell you what I did to this girl.”
“James,” she says, looking right in my eyes so her words really sink in, “I will never think less of you, ok? You are my best friend in the world and I’m going to love you no matter what. Don’t keep this all inside, alright? Don’t bottle this up.”
“I was so mean,” I reply, sounding weak and broken. “I didn’t know I could be like that. I hurt her, I know I did. I became this total sadist and I was whipping her and jamming things inside her. This wasn’t like the other times. I was hitting her so hard—harder than I’ve ever done it with anybody before. I was trying to hurt her. I wanted her to scream for me to stop, so I kept doing it harder to see when she’d reach her limit, but she never screamed. She just looked at me with those dead eyes of hers and took it.”
Lola looks shocked, but I can tell she’s trying to hide it. She thinks I’m a monster, I know she does. She’s right, though.
“Savannah’s gonna have big welts on her for days and probably big bruises for weeks. She’s gonna look like somebody beat her up, but it was me. I beat her up.” Shit! Here come the tears again. “I’m losing myself, Lo,” I whisper so quietly it’s barely audible.
She kneels on the couch so she can hold me against her. She’s whispering sweet stuff to me and stroking the back of my neck in this calming way that only she can do. I’m crying hard and my tears are streaking all down her shirt.
The only time I’ve cried like this around her was when my parents disowned me. It was during a visit home and everything was going great until all hell broke loose when my dad's friend emailed him a link to one of my videos and outed me. My dad told me he was ashamed of me and, as far as he was concerned, his youngest son was dead. I stayed at Lola’s house for a couple days after that and I was so raw with emotions that I tried to come onto her. She rejected me, but in a really sweet way, and she stayed up late with me and comforted me with hugs and kind words instead of spread legs and bare skin. She was still in fuckin' high school but she was so strong and caring. After that, I went back to California determined to put it all behind me and pretend it didn’t still hurt.
Maybe my parents were right, though. Maybe I really am some kind of deviant. I certainly felt like one today. Of course, thinking about my parents right now only makes me cry harder, but she squeezes me tighter and I close my eyes as I try to block everything out and just think about her and me, alone in my apartment having this big emotional moment.
“It’s ok, baby,” she whispers to me. “You’re struggling right now because you’ve never been faced with anything like this. You love your job and this business is all you know, so the thought of it turning on you is frightening to you.” How she can cut to the core of the problem so perfectly is beyond me, but she always does. “You’re right, sweetie, you are losing yourself and you can’t let that happen, ok?”
I sniffle and nod my head.
“This isn’t you, James, and I don’t want you to lose who you are. I care about you so much and I couldn’t bear it if you became some cold, hardened asshole because of this fucking industry,” she says, her voice giving away her deep concern.
“Rick’s gonna make me do more films with her,” I weakly confess. “He’s making too much money off it and I know he’s gonna make me do more.” The horrible, all-encompassing dread of it sinks in and I wish I could just hit pause until I figure out how the fuck to get out of this.
“Can Rick do that? Can he make you do something you don’t want to do?” Lola sympathetically asks.
“He’ll create the contract and it’ll be fine, but then Eva will take charge on the set and order me to do all this fucked up shit.” I sniffle and grab a tissue from the end table.
“Christ! This is like a horror movie,” she sighs in exasperation. “What can we do? How can we stop this?”
We? She said how can we stop this. She’s right here with me and she’s got my back just like she did that horrible day my family disowned me.
“I don’t know,” I confess. “I’m scared to cross Eva in any way. I’ve heard she’s had people bludgeoned and shit for refusing her.”
“Fuck!” Lola sighs. “Look, let me talk to Eric. He’s a lawyer, maybe he can figure out how we can get you out of this contract.”
I feel a glimmer of hope, albeit a dim one. Maybe there’s some use for that douchey Norseman after all.
“Come on,” she says, rising off the couch and extending her hand. “I want you to stay with me tonight. I don’t want you to be by yourself.”
I can feel a smile coming across my face that spreads out from deep down in my heart. I grab some overnight stuff and follow her to her place. I feel a lot better after we eat some leftovers and I have a hot shower.
I flop down on the couch to crash, but she comes over and stands in front of me. Her legs look so long and sexy in her pajama shorts and I can practically see all the way up her thighs from this angle. No, no. I refuse to let myself think of her like that. This is exactly what happened the last time I got really depressed and I ended up on top of her trying to stick my hand down her pants.
“Sleep in my bed,” she says, nodding towards her bedroom.
“Really?” I can’t hide my huge smile.
“Yeah, come on,” she says, taking my hand and leading me into her bedroom.
The very first time I slept with Lola was on camping trip when we were little kids. Me and my cousins were going up to the mountains and Lola’s mom said she could come along. My cousins were teenagers and I was only eleven, so they made me sleep in a separate “little kids” tent with her while they all made out with their girlfriends and boyfriends. Lola got scared in the middle of the night—she was only eight, after all—and I told her to crawl into my sleeping bag because I’d protect her from bears and mountain lions. Comforting her like that made me feel so grown up and, though I wasn’t too aware of sexual shit at that age, I liked holding a girl in my arms.
I’ve shared a bed with her a few times since then, including the night I made her come, and I still get a really happy feeling from being super close to her. Tonight, I feel this weird rush of warmth and a fluttering sensation in my chest as I get under the covers with her.
I lie down on my back and she props herself up on her elbow so she can look at me. She puts her hand on my heart and kisses my cheek.
“You’re a good guy, James Laird,” she says softly. “Please don’t let anyone or anything change that.”
She gives me another sweet, caring little kiss on the cheek and turns out the light. She cuddles up to me and just the feeling of holding her in my arms makes me think that everything’s going to be ok.
I close my eyes and try to go to sleep, but waking nightmares of Savannah flash through my brain. I try to focus my concentration to take my mind off of things. My most vivid memories are usually of sex and I think about the way Amy Montgomery's ankles were clamped together around my back when I took her up against the wall in the boys locker room sophomore year. I picture Angie Gutierrez’ huge tits heaving up and down when I went down on her in the back of her brother’s Montero junior year. I smile when I remember how Vanessa Everleigh screamed out my name so loud that I thought her dad might come downstairs with a gun the time I fucked her in the home theater room at her house.
Those memories make me happy because I made those girls so happy. We both had an awesome time having awesome sex and, when we parted ways, everything was cool and cordial. Nobody got hurt and both of us enjoyed ourselves. Sex was so easy before. Whenever I was feeling down, there was always a girl who wanted to fuck me and everything felt ok. It was the universal problem solver. Fun, intimate and abundant.
I look over at Lola and I feel kind of weird. I’m lying here in bed with a gorgeous girl I really care about who also really cares about me. Normally, I’d seek a little relief between her thighs, but tonight I don’t have that urge to bury myself inside her and screw my problems away. It’s a new feeling and it’s confusing, but pleasantly confusing. I smile as I look at her, sleeping so serenely and all cuddled up into me. I kiss her forehead and close my eyes as I manage to fall asleep to the rhythmic sound of her breathing.
Chapter 7 - Lola
James has been feeling better and I’m happy. It’s been two weeks since his scene with Eva and his next shoot is a normal one, so he’s coming back around to the happy, laid back dude he used to be.
Now I’m the one who’s freaking out because I want to help him get out of this contract and I don’t know how. I brought it up to Eric last week when we were on a date and he told me he’d look it over if I could get him a copy, but then we got distracted making out. Things have been progressing pretty fast with him and I can tell he’s super into me. I’m still a little hesitant because I just can’t decide if I want to sleep with him or not. James has put so much importance on it that now I feel totally uncertain about Eric's qualifications, so to speak.
Tonight, we’re making out on the couch at my apartment. My dress is mostly off and bunched together around my waist, the cups of my bra are down and my breasts are exposed. My panties have been long since torn off and cast on the floor by the coffee table. Eric’s down to just his boxers and he’s kissing down my neck. I feel so turned on.
He tugs my bra down a little more before reaching behind me and rapidly unfastening it. He’s moving fast and I can tell how badly he wants me. He takes my breasts in both of his hands and squeezes them together firmly as he flicks his tongue over my nipples. I exhale and watch him as he takes one in his mouth, then the other. He teeth graze my skin and he bites down on me lightly at first, but then a bit firmer. It hurts a little, but it also feels kind of good.
He continues to suckle and nibble on my breasts as his hand slides down my body. His palm grips my ass and he pulls my legs apart so he’s lying on top of me between them. I can feel how hard he is as he presses is pelvis into me. My hands reach inside his boxers and I wrap my fingers around his length. He bites down hard on my nipple as I stroke him and I whimper a little. That was a little too hard.
Suddenly, he lifts himself up and grabs me by my ankles. He pulls me down the couch and tears my dress off so I’m totally naked. He dives back onto me and kisses me passionately as I resume my motions. I work my wrist a little more and I can feel his intense desire resonating in his frenzied kiss. His mouth drifts down my neck and onto my breasts again, one of his hands squeezing tightly as he tugs at my nipple with his teeth. This is harder than any guy has done it before and it’s a little painful, but it feels amazing once he dials it back a little bit. I've never had a guy go so ravenous for me and it's kind of flattering.
“Oh, fuck, Lola,” he exhales, his voice ragged with lust, “your hands are so soft.”
It spurs me on and I move my hand a little faster, tightening my grip ever so slightly. He’s thrusting into my palm and it feels like he’s getting close. I’m trying to think about how the girls do it in James’ movies. They’re professionals, they know what feels good. I remember them making a sort of circular motion, so I give that a try. That’s the ticket because Eric starts bucking into me and he sucks my sensitive nipples so hard that I gasp.
