Vice, Virtue & Video, page 12
Honestly, I don’t know how to face her. I’m so ashamed at what I did to Savannah, so disgusted that I have to do it several more times, and even more horrified that I’ve been seriously considering deflowering my best friend to get out of this mess.
I’ve been so freaked out over the last few days. Every now and then, Lola used to pop into my head during a scene, but now it seems like she’s the only thing I can think about when I come. I’ve been replaying the other night in my mind constantly. She was just so perfect and so beautiful in that moment right after her little body trembled with pleasure. When I was up on her bed looking at her, I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to be with her, to make love to her—not fuck her like I'd do with other girls.
Eva’s right. I do love Lola and the thought of any other guy being with her puts my heart through a fuckin’ meat grinder. I do want to be her first, and I’m starting to realize that I’ve always wanted it. I’ve been subconsciously cock-blocking her for years. I used to scare off dudes who flirted with her in high school. The whole time, I was intimidating any guys who wanted to get near her because I wanted her and I didn’t want anyone else to have her. Even Eric, who seems like a good dude and who likes her a lot, doesn’t deserve the honor of being with her. Neither do I, though. It’s true. I don’t deserve her either, no matter how much I love her. After what I’ve done, I don’t deserve to even know someone as good and pure and kind as her.
This is the weirdest emotion I’ve ever felt. For the first time in my life, I feel an intense connection to a girl—to anyone. It’s more than wanting to have sex with her and it’s confusing. I’ve been with countless girls in my life, but never been in love with any of them. I thought they were hot, they thought I was hot, we fucked, the end. Right now, I don’t even want to have sex with Lola, I just want to hold her, to be around her, to see her smile and hear her laugh. I’ve never needed love before in my life, just a good time, but I need her to love me because I’m so fuckin’ crazy in love with her.
I have to see her. I have to tell her how I feel and see if she feels any shred of love for me too. If she could love me, I could feel like a complete person again. I could try to put this shit behind me and get back to my old self.
It’s time to come out of hiding and find her. I go into the bathroom and look at myself. My eyes are red, my hair’s all messed up and I’m scruffy. I look like a fuckin’ homeless guy. I take a shower, hoping to wash the emotional grime off myself. When I get out, I shave off my depression stubble and put on some jeans and a t-shirt.
I practice what I want to say as I stand outside Lola’s door. I knock. No answer. I knock again. Still no answer. Maybe she’s pissed at me for getting all weird after I went down on her that night. We haven’t really talked since then and I’m sure she thinks something went wrong and I didn’t like it—but of course, I did. I really, really did. I take out my spare key and unlock the door. I’m coming in, whether she wants to talk to me or not.
The place is empty. She’s not home, even though she should have gotten off work a few hours ago. She’s probably on a date with Eric and that thought puts a lump in my throat.
I go through the house and think about happier times I’ve had with her in these rooms. When I get to the kitchen, I see that there are pictures of her and Eric on the fridge. There’s a shot from the time they went sailing on his brother’s boat, the time they hiked Runyon Canyon, pictures of him kissing her cheek and wrapping his arms around her. Eric can offer her something I never can, a normal life. A life that doesn’t include ropes, whips and a fucked up producer who is most likely a total psychopath. He's better for her. This thought is super grim and I can’t be in here another second.
I shuffle back to my apartment and I crawl back into my bed, wishing for an earthquake or tornado or some kind of disaster like in The Day After Tomorrow to just come and swallow up the whole city. This thing with Lola, it’s never going to work.
Chapter 13 - Lola
“I need you to help me find a way for James to get out of this contract,” I say frantically as I burst in the door of Eric’s office. I ditched work today because I felt so compelled to take action.
“Baby, are you ok?” he says, getting up to examine me.
“I need help, legal help,” I breathlessly reply. “James is trapped in this fucked up thing with Eva and I have to help him get out of it. There’s got to be something in that contract, some loophole or something.”
“Um, I’m not entirely sure how contracts go in the adult entertainment industry. It’s a little more complicated, since sex is part of the job description,” he says like he’s still trying to figure out what the hell is going on.
“She’s forcing him to do all this stuff he doesn’t want to do, but there’s no way she can legally make him do it, right?” I fret.
“I don’t think so, no,” he shakes his head.
“If I can get you the contract, will you look it over and tell me if there’s anything we can do to help him?” I say, my eyes welling up.
“Jesus, Lola, you’re really upset about this.” He rushes to hug me and I feel a few tears trickle down my cheeks.
“I’m so worried, Eric. I’m just so worried for him.” After meeting with Stacey, I’m downright terrified of what Eva’s been doing and what she’ll do in the future. I have to stop her. Even if I can’t save Stacey, I have to save James.
“Well, what kind of stuff does she want him to do?” Eric says, his voice soothing.
“He won’t even tell me, it’s that bad,” I sniffle. “I’ve never really had a problem with him tying girls up or the spankings and everything—that’s all just kinky fun stuff—but it sounds like the shit she wants him to do is, like, potentially illegal. I can’t bear losing him like this, watching him become something he’s not!”
“I thought you hated the spankings and stuff too,” he replies, grabbing me a tissue.
“Those things were nothing compared to this. I get that stuff. Some girls like to be tied up and fucked hard like that. There are a few cuffs and crops and nobody gets hurt for real. This shit sounds like the entire point is hurting someone. James is rough, but he’s not a total asshole.”
Eric takes a big sigh and rubs my back. “Well, if you can get me the contract, I’ll take a look, honey.”
“Thank you so much!” I say, giving him a big kiss.
“Hey, can I still take you to dinner tonight?” he interjects before I leave. “Might get your mind off this for a while.”
“Ok,” I nod. He’s right; I do need something to stop me from spiraling out of control trying to strategize how to bring Eva down.
“Pick you up at eight?” he smiles warmly.
“Sounds good,” I say, managing a smile of my own.
I’m so relieved. I’ve got a cute boyfriend who’s a lawyer and can help me free James from this bullshit deal Rick’s roped him into. Now all I have to do is figure out a way to get that fucking contract.
I’m hunched down in my car across the street from the Sin Cinema office waiting for Rick to leave. I’m steaming. That greedy fuck is no better than Eva … well, maybe a little bit better, but still, he’s a piece of shit! I know he won’t give me a copy of the contract, so I’ve decided I’m going to go up there after he’s left for the day so I can try to talk Christie into giving it to me. She’s sweet, but she’s a do-as-you’re-told kind of gal. Still, I’ll bet I can convince her.
Finally, I see Rick emerging in all his frumpy, dyed black sleaziness. He goes to his car, a tacky 1980s Corvette, and heads off into the sunset.
I jump out of my car and sprint to the door. I’m up the stairs and in his office in no time and Christie is looking at me with wide, surprised eyes.
“Hi, Lola,” she smiles. “What can I help you with today?”
“I need James’ contract,” I desperately reply. I’m a woman on a mission and I’ll be distraught and reckless if I need to.
“Um, I don’t think Rick would like me just handing out contracts,” she says with a grin like she thinks I’m testing her or something. “Why don’t you just get it from James? I’m sure he could give it to you.”
“I can’t get it from him. I need it to help him and I don’t want him to know that I know about all this awful shit he’s buried under,” I reply.
“I’m really not allowed to give it to you,” she shakes her head.
“Christie, please!” I beg. “Eva has James tied into something awful and I’m just trying to see if there’s anything in there that could help me get him out.”
“I wouldn’t even know where Rick keeps it,” she shrugs, trying to absolve herself of any obligation to help me.
“I’ll look for it if you just show me where he keeps his files,” I plead.
“Um …” Christie wavers.
“Please, please Christie!” I say, my voice cracking as tears spring to my eyes. I truly am anguished, but I want her to feel extra bad so she’ll give me what I need.
“Alright, I’ll show you where he keeps the files and I’ll give you fifteen minutes,” she relents, “but this never happened, understand?”
“Of course,” I nod, overjoyed at her compliance. Christie likes me and she always has because I’ve always been very polite and respectful to her. Now it’s paying off and she’s going to help me.
She unlocks the door to Rick’s office and points to a filing cabinet in the corner before dashing back to her desk. It seems like hours as I rifle through the various files. Rick does a lot of movies, so he’s got a lot of contracts. Finally, I find what I’m looking for. I look up at the clock and I’m surprised to see that it’s only been ten minutes. My brain must be functioning at high capacity with all this adrenaline surging through my veins. I clip to the copy room and make two copies of the doc, one for Eric and one for me just in case I need it again. I put the original back just as I found it and Christie is coming down the hall as I close the door behind me.
“Christie,” I smile and hug her, “you’re a life saver!”
She nods, blissfully unaware of the gravity of the situation.
“I got it for you,” I smile, holding up the document as Eric stands in my doorway looking dapper. “I got the contract.”
“You work fast, baby,” he chuckles. “Did that Rick guy give it to you?”
“Not exactly,” I say with a sly smile. “I pulled some Russian spy shit.”
“Good girl gone bad,” he laughs. “If I was James, I’d have to bend you over my knee and give you a spanking.”
I laugh. Eric’s been watching a lot of James’ movies since we started dating, though he has no idea that I’m aware of it. I’ve picked up on it because he starts talking like James when we fool around and he’s always teasing me about spankings or tying me up and fucking me hard and fast.
“Do you want to look it over?” I ask sweetly, holding up the contract again.
“Can it wait until tomorrow? I want to ask one of our entertainment guys about it,” he replies.
I think about it for a moment. There’s not exactly a lot we can do about the contract tonight anyway. “Ok,” I nod.
“Good,” he smiles. “I bet you haven’t eaten all day.”
“No, not really, I’ve been running around gathering intel like I’m a CIA operative,” I chuckle.
“Well, let’s get some food in you. You’re gonna need your energy for what I’ve got planned tonight,” he grins flirtatiously.
Crap! I forgot about that. I’ve been postponing sex with Eric for a while now and it seems he’s planning to collect tonight. He’s helping me with this contract fiasco and that’s huge, so I might have to just do it. It’s not going to live up to my expectations, but I’ll get it over with and then have more fun doing it the next time. Maybe I need to stop over-thinking this and just see where the night takes me.
I’m blushing as I follow Eric out to his Audi and slide into the leather passenger seat. He gives me a little mischievous grin as he turns the ignition and we set off to dinner.
He orders while I drink a big gulp of wine, hoping it will help calm my shattered nerves. I think about Stacey and how bruised and battered she was. James did that to her. Neither Stacey nor James should have ever been put in that position in the first place and, if it weren’t for that nasty bitch Eva, they never would have been. God! How I’d love to bring that soulless psycho down!
“So, this entertainment guy, you think he can help?” I ask, my mind still racing.
“Baby, let’s just talk about you and me tonight,” he says, lifting my hand to his lips so he can kiss my knuckles.
“Ok,” I smile. I don’t need to ruin this date with my panic. Eric is trying to take my mind off of this James contract situation, so I should just go with the flow. “What would you like to talk about?”
“I want to talk about how sexy you look in this dress,” he says sensually and I feel his hand on my knee.
“Eric!” I giggle as his fingers slide up my thigh.
He inches a little closer to me in the booth and pushes his hand between my legs, starting to rub me over my panties. I give him an embarrassed look, but he stares back at me with pure, unadulterated lust.
“I can’t wait to take it off you,” he salaciously whispers.
“Let’s finish dinner first,” I giggle pushing his hand out of my crotch and crossing my legs.
“You’re so fucking sexy, Lola,” he grins. “I’ve wanted you from the second I saw you.”
I blush.
“You’re wearing these little dresses so I can see your long, sexy legs. You’ve got a hint of this peeking out,” he says, looking into my cleavage. “Just enough to tease me and make me want to see more.”
I giggle. I was unaware that I was teasing him with my wardrobe choices, but the fact that he’s so hot for me is kind of cool. I’m not sexy, not like the girls in James’ videos or anything, so I’m strangely flattered by Eric’s one-track mind tonight.
“I just want to run my tongue over those pretty pink nipples,” he whispers libidinously.
Now I’m giggling harder. Oh, boy. Here comes Porno Eric, the wannabe James.
“If I wasn’t such a gentleman, I’d take you up against the wall in the bathroom right now,” he grins. "I'd crawl under this table and you could be my dessert."
“Well, I’m glad you’ve opted to keep it classy,” I joke.
We’re temporarily interrupted when the waiter brings our meals—steak for him and grilled chicken for me. Before I’ve finished half of my entree, he’s back to the dirty talking.
“I want to taste you, Lola,” he whispers, licking his lips. “I want to fuck you with my tongue when I make you come.”
This is pretty damned graphic for dinner conversation and my cheeks are bright red.
“I want to see you with your legs spread wide while I’m buried inside you. I want you on your hands and knees taking every inch of my cock in that tight, little, young pussy,” he grins.
“Eric!” I giggle. “What’s gotten into you tonight? You’re ravenous.”
“For you,” he says, leaning over and nipping at my earlobe.
He sticks his hand between my legs again, but I don’t uncross them or allow him to get any farther.
“Not in a restaurant, for Christ’s sake!” I laugh.
“Mmm, I’ll take you anywhere, any way, any time,” he says, kissing my neck.
“Fine, but not right now, in the middle of a crowded restaurant under the table,” I playfully chide him.
“Tonight, baby,” he proclaims licentiously. “Tonight you’re all mine.”
“We’ll see about that,” I grin.
Eric and I burst in the door of my apartment feverishly making out. He’s been saying such lascivious things to me all night, but it’s been kind of hot. I’ve never had someone crave me like this. He’s got one thing on his mind and I’m thinking it might be nice to get a little relief from all my stress. Eric might not have James’ finesse, but an orgasm is an orgasm and right now I could use one.
“Shall we take this to the bedroom?” he says, his lips curved into a wicked smile.
I giggle and nod. Maybe tonight’s the night, maybe I should just let myself go with it.
He takes my hand and leads me over to the bed, where he takes a seat and pulls me in front of him. He reaches around and palms my ass, giving it a good squeeze before lifting my skirt and doing the same thing against my panties. He pushes my underwear back a little, exposing my butt cheek and running his finger along the edge between the fabric and my bare skin.
I gasp a little when his fingers venture farther into my panties, tracing the seam of my butt. He delves in a little and I tense up.
“Eric,” I say in a breathless warning as I grab onto his hand.
“Don’t be shy,” he grins up at me. “I bet you’re even tighter back here.”
I snicker and I know I’m blushing. I certainly hope he wasn’t holding his breath for any of that tonight, because that’s definitely not going to happen.
“Mmm, Lola, I want you so fucking bad,” he moans into my breasts as he unzips my dress and pulls down the cups of my bra.
His mouth is all over my chest, suckling and nibbling me, taking my nipples between his teeth and teasing them until they’re firm and perky. He’s hunger personified and he’s gone all feral as he tugs my dress off and pushes me back onto the bed. No guys have ever been at all forceful with me, mostly because they all feared the wrath of James, but Eric’s taking charge in a big way. I’m kind of shocked by the whole thing, but it’s not altogether unwelcome.
He pulls my bra off in record time and resumes kissing and biting my breasts as his hand drifts down my body. His fingers dart beneath my panties and thrust inside me. I gasp and wince a little.
