I Know What You're Doing: The Whole Story, page 15
“Are you okay?”
“I’m shitting myself,” I replied.
“She deserves the truth, Zane.”
“I know she does, you don’t have to keep reminding me of that fact, but how would you feel having to do this?”
“My marriage is already over in case you forgot.”
I felt ashamed. Part of my problem was how selfish my thoughts had become. This was about five people, not just me.
“Sorry, I haven’t even asked.”
“Don’t worry about it, but we do need to talk about us sooner or later, you know that?”
“Yes, and we will, but I need to speak to Jenna and get this out of the way. After tonight, my marriage is definitely over, but as much as I miss Jen, I miss my kids more.”
I looked at Chad. It hurt him to hear me say it, but it was the truth, and I wasn’t going to apologise for it.
He stood up, walked toward the window and turned to look at me. “Jenna’s here. I’ll let her in and go upstairs.”
I was terrified of how she’d react.
I heard Chad open the door, and their muffled voices in greeting.
Footsteps approached the sitting room door and suddenly there she was. She’d been crying, I could tell.
“Hi, Jen,” was all I could think of to say.
She glanced me up and down, her eyes settling on the bruise on my face. “Did I do that?” she asked, referring to where she’d whacked me.
“I think so, yes—although I don’t remember much about it.”
“I never should have hit you. It’s unforgivable.” She sat opposite me and simply stared.
“I deserved it, and more.”
“What am I doing here, Zane?”
“I need to talk to you.”
“And what are you doing here, of all places? Rubbing my face in it.”
“No, Jen,” I said, getting up, momentarily forgetting my broken ribs. “Aargh,” I cried, flopping back down, hugging my side gently.
She was alarmed, I could tell. “What’s wrong?” She was on her feet and around the coffee table in a flash. “Zane.”
“I had a bit of an accident. A few broken ribs and a bruised leg.”
She gave me the ‘I don’t believe you’ look. “How?”
“Jen, please sit down, there’s something I need to tell you.”
“Zane, I’m scared.”
“Don’t be, but I need to tell you the truth.”
“What truth?”
I decided to just say it as it was. There was no pussy-footing about this time.
“I arranged to meet up with a guy for sex and he attacked me.”
Chapter Fourteen
I was stupefied.
Despite his affair with Chad, I never expected him to tell me he’d been meeting other men for sex.
I really thought Zane and Chad were going to make a go of their relationship, or whatever it was.
“Who was he?” I asked.
“I don’t know—I downloaded an app and met him through there.”
“I don’t believe I’m hearing this, Zane. Tell me this is some sort of sick joke.”
“Why would I lie about it?”
“I don’t know, you tell me.” I could feel my blood boiling. How could he do this to me and the girls again? Wasn’t Chad enough? Maybe he really was gay?
“I wish it was, but it’s the truth.”
“How many more, Zane?”
“How many what?”
“Men you’re fucking,” I screamed in his face.
“Three,” he answered, and I lost it, and spat in his face. “But two of them were one-offs, I swear.”
“You’re disgusting,” I screamed again, not caring whose home I was in.
He wiped the spit from his face, but didn’t speak. I watched as the tears dropped onto the pale-yellow T-shirt he was wearing. “I’m sorry.”
“Saying sorry won’t make anything better, Zane. Sorry. What does it even mean to you? Sorry you were caught out? Sorry you have a wife and children? What?”
“It’s not like that.”
I heard footsteps charging down the stairs.
Chad stormed into the room.
“Zane, are you alright?”
“Don’t you dare come in here and defend his actions.” And right then, I burst out laughing, I couldn’t help myself.
“What’s so funny?” Chad asked.
“He did it to you too.” I continued to laugh. “Now, you truly know how it feels. Hurts, doesn’t it?”
“Yes, it hurts, but you need to stop this and listen to what he’s trying to tell you.”
I could hear Zane sobbing, but focused my attentions on Chad. Another thing we had in common.
“I’m not listening to either of you. I’m going to get my girls and move them away from this poison, and hopefully I won’t have to see either of you again.”
“Jenna, please,” Zane finally piped up.
“Don’t plead with me. You’ve lost me and the girls, and don’t think I won’t use that video to make sure you never have access to them again, because I will.”
I’d never felt such anger, and stormed toward the door, but Chad blocked the way. “Get out of my way, Chad, or so help me...” He moved out of the way.
“He raped me, Jen,” Zane shouted after me.
I stopped in my tracks, certain I had misheard. “What did you say?” I turned to look at him, but, he couldn’t speak. “Zane, please.”
He looked up at me, his eyes bloodshot, tears flowing down his cheeks. I could see the pain, but I didn’t know what to say.
“He was raped,” Chad said, flatly, and once again, the bottom fell out of my world.
I turned to face Chad, waiting for the punchline, but there wasn’t one.
Chapter Fifteen
Zane spoke, and I listened.
I cried as he told me what happened.
I couldn’t help but look at Chad.
He was broken too. We all were, but Zane needed us now, and whatever situation the three of us were in, I had to put it aside for now and deal with the practicalities.
“We need to get you to the hospital to be checked over.”
“No,” Zane replied. “I’ve already been over my leg and ribs.”
He wasn’t going to change his mind–I knew my husband too well.
“You were bleeding, Zane,” Chad added.
“Oh, God,” I replied. “Are you still bleeding?”
“No,” Zane said. “It didn’t last for long.”
“What if...” I asked, not able to continue.
“He’s given me HIV,” Zane finished. “Or something else?”
“Yes,” I said, too terrified to contemplate the enormity of the situation.
“Then it’s my own fault.”
I jumped and screamed as Chad bashed his hand down on the coffee table, sending the mugs flying onto the floor. “No, he raped you. You said no, but he did it anyway, and if I get my hands on him, I’ll kill him.”
I stared at Chad, full of admiration. Strangely, I felt he was a kindred spirit right then. He would also defend the person he loved to the death.
“Calm down, Chad,” I said. “We need to focus on what to do next.”
“He won’t go to the hospital, to get checked, or go to the police, so I’ll find him myself and make him sorry.”
“You won’t do anything of the sort.” I reached across the table for his hand. He accepted. “I know how you feel, but right now, Zane has to be our priority and tomorrow morning, I’m picking him up and taking him to get tested.”
“No, Jenna,” Zane argued. “I’d rather not know.”
“Tough, but this time, you’ll do as I want. I’ll find a private clinic.”
“If you’re not giving me the choice, at least give me a week to rest my ribs at least.”
“Then you’ll go and get tested?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied.
*
It was two am.
The roads were deserted, and I drove home in silence.
My brain felt like it was ready to burst through my skull, and as I walked through the front door and deactivated the alarm, I couldn’t hold the pain in any longer and dropped to my knees.
How could somebody have hurt him like that? I thought, sobbing into my hands.
He didn’t deserve to be violated in that way, nobody did, and now there was a chance he could be infected with God knows what.
But, for now, I’d have to be strong, for him.
Tomorrow, I would find a clinic and book an appointment, and whatever happens, he wouldn’t go through it alone.
Chapter Sixteen
We sat in the sterile corridor, neither of us saying a word to one another.
Jenna gripped my hand.
“Zane Michaelson,” the nurse said, breaking the silence. “Would you come this way, please?”
“Yes,” I stammered, casting a quick glance at Jenna, letting go of her hand, and following the nurse.
She closed the door behind me, and my whole body shook. Was my reckless behaviour going to be my undoing?
I already knew what to expect after speaking to the doctor–just a prick of blood from my finger, and in twenty minutes give or take a few, I would know what damage I’d truly caused.
*
Oh, God, I can’t believe it’s come to this, I said to myself.
I’d just watched Zane go into the room for his HIV test, and I was terrified. I’d already been for a test and thankfully, it was negative, but I’d only had sex with my husband.
After confessing to random sex with the two strangers, he assured me the other he used protection with, but how did he know the condom hadn’t ripped? I couldn’t move on until I knew, but if he was positive, I would find a way to live with it. It’s not a death sentence any longer, I knew that much, but I had to know.
I loved Zane with all my heart, and I knew that he loved me too. If there was any doubt in my mind, I wouldn’t be sat with him now, waiting to see what our futures held.
It felt like a lifetime, and then I heard the door click, and he walked into view, his face ashen.
*
I walked out of the room and sat beside Jenna. She was deathly pale. I fumbled for her hand, mine still trembling. She held my hand in both of hers.
“Are you okay?” she asked, and I could hear the nerves in her voice.
“Shitting myself,” I replied, focusing hard to get any words out at all.
“Do you want to go for a coffee while we wait?”
“I couldn’t keep anything down,” I replied.
So, we sat in silence, listening to the clock on the wall tick-tocking–like a doomsday countdown.
*
“Zane Michaelson,” the nurse called again, as my stomach turned over. “Doctor is ready for you now.”
Jenna grabbed my hand and led the way. I really thought she would back out, and make me go through this on my own, but she was still the same strong-minded woman I married.
We entered the room. The same doctor I’d spoken to prior to my test was sat behind his desk–his verdict would alter my destiny.
“Ah, Mr. Michaelson, take a seat,” he said. “If you’d like to pull up a chair, Mrs. Michaelson.”
Jenna pulled up a chair and sat next to me, clutching my hand as tightly as he had when she was in labour with the girls.
I stared at the doctor, all the while silently praying to whoever, that whilst I’d been an absolute idiot, I hadn’t completely ruined my life. I held my breath prepared for the worst.
“Good news–the test came back negative,” he said, his tone matter of fact.
Jenna let out a small cry of relief.
“Are you sure?” I asked, my hands trembling.
“Yes, we’re sure, but you will need to come back for repeat testing in three months.”
I bent forward and held my head in my hands, letting out a sigh of relief. Looking up at him again. “Thank you,” I said, gratefully. “Thank you, so much.”
What else could I say. I’d just been given my life back, and I wasn’t going to waste a second of it.
I turned to Jenna and leant in to kiss her. Tears flowed down her cheeks as she returned my kiss.
Chapter Seventeen
Chad was biting his fingernails when I got back to his house.
He looked up as I entered the room.
“Well?” he asked, using his fingers to push his blond hair back from his face.
“Negative.”
He closed his eyes. “Thank God.”
I sat next to him and grabbed his hand. He was trembling, just as I was.
“No, thank you. If you hadn’t forced me to tell Jenna, I would never have been brave enough to take the test.”
He looked at me, that same old look, and before I knew it, we were kissing – the slow, passionate kind, the way we used to. He grabbed my bottom lip gently with his teeth, and I felt the familiar feeling, just like before, but it was wrong.
I pulled away. “Chad, we can’t.”
“Why?” he asked.
“Because I don’t love you like that.”
The words were too harsh, I knew that, but without time to think, there they were, as I felt them.
“You don’t have to love me, we can just carry on as we did before.”
I knew he was grasping at straws.
“No, Chad, that wouldn’t be fair on any of us.”
“Why?” he asked, again.
“Because it would mean more to you than it would to me. To me, it would just be sex without any emotion attached. I can’t do that to you, or Jenna. It’s her I want to be with. I won’t hurt either of you anymore. I’ve been so selfish, and now it’s time to get my life back in order.”
“But, I don’t care–just sex is fine.”
“You’re lying to yourself, and in time, you’d end up hating me for it. You deserve to find somebody else to love –someone who can love you back.”
“I love you,” he said, his voice cracking. “I don’t want anybody else.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“So, Jenna wins?”
“There was never going to be a different outcome–it was always my family.”
“I don’t want to lose you, Zane.”
“I was never yours to lose.”
I felt like a monster, but I had to be cruel to be kind. I wanted him to let go. Yes, it might have been the cowardly way, forcing him to walk away, but I wasn’t strong enough at that moment in time. Him hating me was the only way it would work.
He didn’t say another word as he stood up and walked to the sitting room door.
“Chad, I’m so sorry,” I said. “We can’t leave it like this.”
“I’m away for a week. Please don’t be here when I return.” He didn’t look at me.
I heard him grab his car keys, then a minute later, he reversed out of his drive and out of sight.
Chapter Eighteen
Nine months had passed since I walked out the door and away from my marriage. Where had the time gone?
It had taken Jenna and me a while to get to that point we were now at.
Counselling, both as a couple, and individually helped us decide if our marriage was worth saving, or if we could even move forward with the hope of putting the last year behind us.
I didn’t expect Jenna to trust me completely, yet, but she surprised me, and allowed me back into her life in all ways, but one. She wasn’t ready for that part of our life to resume.
After leaving Chad’s, I’d rented a furnished apartment close by, seeing both Jenna and the girls every day. Wanting to disrupt the children’s lives as little as possible, we played happy families, even when things were heated between us. We learned to put a face on our problems until we found a way to resolve them.
I’d faced questions from both sides of the family as to the cause of our break up, but both Jenna and I decided they didn’t need to know the true extent, so we blamed my commitments to my job. I’m not sure our families believed us entirely, but nothing was mentioned to me–they were just hopeful we could put out marriage back on track.
It wasn’t plain sailing to get to where we were, but eventually, we decided we didn’t want to live apart anymore. What we had was worth fighting for, and whilst our marriage would never be the same, the love we had for one another was stronger than ever.
I was finally going home.
It was Christmas Eve, and thankfully, it wasn’t snowing as I climbed out of my car, opening the boot and retrieving two huge sacks of presents.
I noticed Jenna peeping out of the front window. Smiling, I blew her a kiss. She kissed the window, leaving a trace of her pink lipstick behind.
I used my key for the first time in a long time and pushed the door open.
“Ho, Ho, Ho,” I shouted at the top of my voice.
“Daddy,” the girls shouted, as they came running from their playroom. I dropped the sacks of presents, which they ignored, as they launched themselves at me, knocking me off my feet and flat on my back.
“Girls, be careful,” Jenna said, looking worried. “You’ll hurt Daddy.”
I looked up at my girls smiling faces. “Nah,” I said, laughing, as I tickled them.
They both dissolved into giggles. A sound I’d missed more than I could ever say.
“Father Christmas is coming tomorrow, Daddy,” Naya informed me.
“Is he really? Are you sure?”
“Yes, and we’ve left him a mince pie and a glass of milk by the chimley,” Macy added.
My heart melted. “And what about poor Rudolf and the rest of the reindeers? Won’t they be hungry flying all that way from the North Pole to bring two little terrors their presents?”
“Mummy, what about the reindeers?” Naya looked concerned.
“Why don’t you both let Daddy get up off the floor and then you can go into the kitchen and get a bag of carrots out of the fridge, and maybe Rudolf and his friends will enjoy them. What do you think?”
“Okay, Mummy,” they replied, jumping up, trampling me under their tiny feet.
I lay flat on the floor, looking up at my beautiful wife.
“Hello, Mr. Michaelson,” she said, offering her hand.
“I’m shitting myself,” I replied.
“She deserves the truth, Zane.”
“I know she does, you don’t have to keep reminding me of that fact, but how would you feel having to do this?”
“My marriage is already over in case you forgot.”
I felt ashamed. Part of my problem was how selfish my thoughts had become. This was about five people, not just me.
“Sorry, I haven’t even asked.”
“Don’t worry about it, but we do need to talk about us sooner or later, you know that?”
“Yes, and we will, but I need to speak to Jenna and get this out of the way. After tonight, my marriage is definitely over, but as much as I miss Jen, I miss my kids more.”
I looked at Chad. It hurt him to hear me say it, but it was the truth, and I wasn’t going to apologise for it.
He stood up, walked toward the window and turned to look at me. “Jenna’s here. I’ll let her in and go upstairs.”
I was terrified of how she’d react.
I heard Chad open the door, and their muffled voices in greeting.
Footsteps approached the sitting room door and suddenly there she was. She’d been crying, I could tell.
“Hi, Jen,” was all I could think of to say.
She glanced me up and down, her eyes settling on the bruise on my face. “Did I do that?” she asked, referring to where she’d whacked me.
“I think so, yes—although I don’t remember much about it.”
“I never should have hit you. It’s unforgivable.” She sat opposite me and simply stared.
“I deserved it, and more.”
“What am I doing here, Zane?”
“I need to talk to you.”
“And what are you doing here, of all places? Rubbing my face in it.”
“No, Jen,” I said, getting up, momentarily forgetting my broken ribs. “Aargh,” I cried, flopping back down, hugging my side gently.
She was alarmed, I could tell. “What’s wrong?” She was on her feet and around the coffee table in a flash. “Zane.”
“I had a bit of an accident. A few broken ribs and a bruised leg.”
She gave me the ‘I don’t believe you’ look. “How?”
“Jen, please sit down, there’s something I need to tell you.”
“Zane, I’m scared.”
“Don’t be, but I need to tell you the truth.”
“What truth?”
I decided to just say it as it was. There was no pussy-footing about this time.
“I arranged to meet up with a guy for sex and he attacked me.”
Chapter Fourteen
I was stupefied.
Despite his affair with Chad, I never expected him to tell me he’d been meeting other men for sex.
I really thought Zane and Chad were going to make a go of their relationship, or whatever it was.
“Who was he?” I asked.
“I don’t know—I downloaded an app and met him through there.”
“I don’t believe I’m hearing this, Zane. Tell me this is some sort of sick joke.”
“Why would I lie about it?”
“I don’t know, you tell me.” I could feel my blood boiling. How could he do this to me and the girls again? Wasn’t Chad enough? Maybe he really was gay?
“I wish it was, but it’s the truth.”
“How many more, Zane?”
“How many what?”
“Men you’re fucking,” I screamed in his face.
“Three,” he answered, and I lost it, and spat in his face. “But two of them were one-offs, I swear.”
“You’re disgusting,” I screamed again, not caring whose home I was in.
He wiped the spit from his face, but didn’t speak. I watched as the tears dropped onto the pale-yellow T-shirt he was wearing. “I’m sorry.”
“Saying sorry won’t make anything better, Zane. Sorry. What does it even mean to you? Sorry you were caught out? Sorry you have a wife and children? What?”
“It’s not like that.”
I heard footsteps charging down the stairs.
Chad stormed into the room.
“Zane, are you alright?”
“Don’t you dare come in here and defend his actions.” And right then, I burst out laughing, I couldn’t help myself.
“What’s so funny?” Chad asked.
“He did it to you too.” I continued to laugh. “Now, you truly know how it feels. Hurts, doesn’t it?”
“Yes, it hurts, but you need to stop this and listen to what he’s trying to tell you.”
I could hear Zane sobbing, but focused my attentions on Chad. Another thing we had in common.
“I’m not listening to either of you. I’m going to get my girls and move them away from this poison, and hopefully I won’t have to see either of you again.”
“Jenna, please,” Zane finally piped up.
“Don’t plead with me. You’ve lost me and the girls, and don’t think I won’t use that video to make sure you never have access to them again, because I will.”
I’d never felt such anger, and stormed toward the door, but Chad blocked the way. “Get out of my way, Chad, or so help me...” He moved out of the way.
“He raped me, Jen,” Zane shouted after me.
I stopped in my tracks, certain I had misheard. “What did you say?” I turned to look at him, but, he couldn’t speak. “Zane, please.”
He looked up at me, his eyes bloodshot, tears flowing down his cheeks. I could see the pain, but I didn’t know what to say.
“He was raped,” Chad said, flatly, and once again, the bottom fell out of my world.
I turned to face Chad, waiting for the punchline, but there wasn’t one.
Chapter Fifteen
Zane spoke, and I listened.
I cried as he told me what happened.
I couldn’t help but look at Chad.
He was broken too. We all were, but Zane needed us now, and whatever situation the three of us were in, I had to put it aside for now and deal with the practicalities.
“We need to get you to the hospital to be checked over.”
“No,” Zane replied. “I’ve already been over my leg and ribs.”
He wasn’t going to change his mind–I knew my husband too well.
“You were bleeding, Zane,” Chad added.
“Oh, God,” I replied. “Are you still bleeding?”
“No,” Zane said. “It didn’t last for long.”
“What if...” I asked, not able to continue.
“He’s given me HIV,” Zane finished. “Or something else?”
“Yes,” I said, too terrified to contemplate the enormity of the situation.
“Then it’s my own fault.”
I jumped and screamed as Chad bashed his hand down on the coffee table, sending the mugs flying onto the floor. “No, he raped you. You said no, but he did it anyway, and if I get my hands on him, I’ll kill him.”
I stared at Chad, full of admiration. Strangely, I felt he was a kindred spirit right then. He would also defend the person he loved to the death.
“Calm down, Chad,” I said. “We need to focus on what to do next.”
“He won’t go to the hospital, to get checked, or go to the police, so I’ll find him myself and make him sorry.”
“You won’t do anything of the sort.” I reached across the table for his hand. He accepted. “I know how you feel, but right now, Zane has to be our priority and tomorrow morning, I’m picking him up and taking him to get tested.”
“No, Jenna,” Zane argued. “I’d rather not know.”
“Tough, but this time, you’ll do as I want. I’ll find a private clinic.”
“If you’re not giving me the choice, at least give me a week to rest my ribs at least.”
“Then you’ll go and get tested?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied.
*
It was two am.
The roads were deserted, and I drove home in silence.
My brain felt like it was ready to burst through my skull, and as I walked through the front door and deactivated the alarm, I couldn’t hold the pain in any longer and dropped to my knees.
How could somebody have hurt him like that? I thought, sobbing into my hands.
He didn’t deserve to be violated in that way, nobody did, and now there was a chance he could be infected with God knows what.
But, for now, I’d have to be strong, for him.
Tomorrow, I would find a clinic and book an appointment, and whatever happens, he wouldn’t go through it alone.
Chapter Sixteen
We sat in the sterile corridor, neither of us saying a word to one another.
Jenna gripped my hand.
“Zane Michaelson,” the nurse said, breaking the silence. “Would you come this way, please?”
“Yes,” I stammered, casting a quick glance at Jenna, letting go of her hand, and following the nurse.
She closed the door behind me, and my whole body shook. Was my reckless behaviour going to be my undoing?
I already knew what to expect after speaking to the doctor–just a prick of blood from my finger, and in twenty minutes give or take a few, I would know what damage I’d truly caused.
*
Oh, God, I can’t believe it’s come to this, I said to myself.
I’d just watched Zane go into the room for his HIV test, and I was terrified. I’d already been for a test and thankfully, it was negative, but I’d only had sex with my husband.
After confessing to random sex with the two strangers, he assured me the other he used protection with, but how did he know the condom hadn’t ripped? I couldn’t move on until I knew, but if he was positive, I would find a way to live with it. It’s not a death sentence any longer, I knew that much, but I had to know.
I loved Zane with all my heart, and I knew that he loved me too. If there was any doubt in my mind, I wouldn’t be sat with him now, waiting to see what our futures held.
It felt like a lifetime, and then I heard the door click, and he walked into view, his face ashen.
*
I walked out of the room and sat beside Jenna. She was deathly pale. I fumbled for her hand, mine still trembling. She held my hand in both of hers.
“Are you okay?” she asked, and I could hear the nerves in her voice.
“Shitting myself,” I replied, focusing hard to get any words out at all.
“Do you want to go for a coffee while we wait?”
“I couldn’t keep anything down,” I replied.
So, we sat in silence, listening to the clock on the wall tick-tocking–like a doomsday countdown.
*
“Zane Michaelson,” the nurse called again, as my stomach turned over. “Doctor is ready for you now.”
Jenna grabbed my hand and led the way. I really thought she would back out, and make me go through this on my own, but she was still the same strong-minded woman I married.
We entered the room. The same doctor I’d spoken to prior to my test was sat behind his desk–his verdict would alter my destiny.
“Ah, Mr. Michaelson, take a seat,” he said. “If you’d like to pull up a chair, Mrs. Michaelson.”
Jenna pulled up a chair and sat next to me, clutching my hand as tightly as he had when she was in labour with the girls.
I stared at the doctor, all the while silently praying to whoever, that whilst I’d been an absolute idiot, I hadn’t completely ruined my life. I held my breath prepared for the worst.
“Good news–the test came back negative,” he said, his tone matter of fact.
Jenna let out a small cry of relief.
“Are you sure?” I asked, my hands trembling.
“Yes, we’re sure, but you will need to come back for repeat testing in three months.”
I bent forward and held my head in my hands, letting out a sigh of relief. Looking up at him again. “Thank you,” I said, gratefully. “Thank you, so much.”
What else could I say. I’d just been given my life back, and I wasn’t going to waste a second of it.
I turned to Jenna and leant in to kiss her. Tears flowed down her cheeks as she returned my kiss.
Chapter Seventeen
Chad was biting his fingernails when I got back to his house.
He looked up as I entered the room.
“Well?” he asked, using his fingers to push his blond hair back from his face.
“Negative.”
He closed his eyes. “Thank God.”
I sat next to him and grabbed his hand. He was trembling, just as I was.
“No, thank you. If you hadn’t forced me to tell Jenna, I would never have been brave enough to take the test.”
He looked at me, that same old look, and before I knew it, we were kissing – the slow, passionate kind, the way we used to. He grabbed my bottom lip gently with his teeth, and I felt the familiar feeling, just like before, but it was wrong.
I pulled away. “Chad, we can’t.”
“Why?” he asked.
“Because I don’t love you like that.”
The words were too harsh, I knew that, but without time to think, there they were, as I felt them.
“You don’t have to love me, we can just carry on as we did before.”
I knew he was grasping at straws.
“No, Chad, that wouldn’t be fair on any of us.”
“Why?” he asked, again.
“Because it would mean more to you than it would to me. To me, it would just be sex without any emotion attached. I can’t do that to you, or Jenna. It’s her I want to be with. I won’t hurt either of you anymore. I’ve been so selfish, and now it’s time to get my life back in order.”
“But, I don’t care–just sex is fine.”
“You’re lying to yourself, and in time, you’d end up hating me for it. You deserve to find somebody else to love –someone who can love you back.”
“I love you,” he said, his voice cracking. “I don’t want anybody else.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“So, Jenna wins?”
“There was never going to be a different outcome–it was always my family.”
“I don’t want to lose you, Zane.”
“I was never yours to lose.”
I felt like a monster, but I had to be cruel to be kind. I wanted him to let go. Yes, it might have been the cowardly way, forcing him to walk away, but I wasn’t strong enough at that moment in time. Him hating me was the only way it would work.
He didn’t say another word as he stood up and walked to the sitting room door.
“Chad, I’m so sorry,” I said. “We can’t leave it like this.”
“I’m away for a week. Please don’t be here when I return.” He didn’t look at me.
I heard him grab his car keys, then a minute later, he reversed out of his drive and out of sight.
Chapter Eighteen
Nine months had passed since I walked out the door and away from my marriage. Where had the time gone?
It had taken Jenna and me a while to get to that point we were now at.
Counselling, both as a couple, and individually helped us decide if our marriage was worth saving, or if we could even move forward with the hope of putting the last year behind us.
I didn’t expect Jenna to trust me completely, yet, but she surprised me, and allowed me back into her life in all ways, but one. She wasn’t ready for that part of our life to resume.
After leaving Chad’s, I’d rented a furnished apartment close by, seeing both Jenna and the girls every day. Wanting to disrupt the children’s lives as little as possible, we played happy families, even when things were heated between us. We learned to put a face on our problems until we found a way to resolve them.
I’d faced questions from both sides of the family as to the cause of our break up, but both Jenna and I decided they didn’t need to know the true extent, so we blamed my commitments to my job. I’m not sure our families believed us entirely, but nothing was mentioned to me–they were just hopeful we could put out marriage back on track.
It wasn’t plain sailing to get to where we were, but eventually, we decided we didn’t want to live apart anymore. What we had was worth fighting for, and whilst our marriage would never be the same, the love we had for one another was stronger than ever.
I was finally going home.
It was Christmas Eve, and thankfully, it wasn’t snowing as I climbed out of my car, opening the boot and retrieving two huge sacks of presents.
I noticed Jenna peeping out of the front window. Smiling, I blew her a kiss. She kissed the window, leaving a trace of her pink lipstick behind.
I used my key for the first time in a long time and pushed the door open.
“Ho, Ho, Ho,” I shouted at the top of my voice.
“Daddy,” the girls shouted, as they came running from their playroom. I dropped the sacks of presents, which they ignored, as they launched themselves at me, knocking me off my feet and flat on my back.
“Girls, be careful,” Jenna said, looking worried. “You’ll hurt Daddy.”
I looked up at my girls smiling faces. “Nah,” I said, laughing, as I tickled them.
They both dissolved into giggles. A sound I’d missed more than I could ever say.
“Father Christmas is coming tomorrow, Daddy,” Naya informed me.
“Is he really? Are you sure?”
“Yes, and we’ve left him a mince pie and a glass of milk by the chimley,” Macy added.
My heart melted. “And what about poor Rudolf and the rest of the reindeers? Won’t they be hungry flying all that way from the North Pole to bring two little terrors their presents?”
“Mummy, what about the reindeers?” Naya looked concerned.
“Why don’t you both let Daddy get up off the floor and then you can go into the kitchen and get a bag of carrots out of the fridge, and maybe Rudolf and his friends will enjoy them. What do you think?”
“Okay, Mummy,” they replied, jumping up, trampling me under their tiny feet.
I lay flat on the floor, looking up at my beautiful wife.
“Hello, Mr. Michaelson,” she said, offering her hand.
