Illyria (TCG Edition), page 6
COLLEEN: The chair’s a little broken …
STUART: Happy birthday. And I really meant to get here earlier.
(They all toast.)
EVERYONE: Happy birthday … Happy birthday …
STUART: I’m sorry. I didn’t know …
(As they sit:)
DAVID: We hadn’t toasted Joe yet.
STUART (To Merle): How old? I’m sure he won’t tell me.
MERLE: Twenty-five … In his heart.
PEGGY: Sometimes, I think—twelve. Even ten.
(Laughter.)
STUART (To everyone): Really nice to be here. But I’m glad you didn’t wait.
GLADYS: If we’d known you were coming …
MERLE: Would that have made a difference?
DAVID: I don’t think so.
PEGGY: No.
COLLEEN: Not to me.
(Laughter.)
I don’t know when I’ve had so many people in my apartment … Stuart, don’t lean back in that (Chair), it’s broken. George leaned back, he broke it.
DAVID: Mary made the meatballs.
MARY: Stop it.
STUART: You didn’t make them?
MARY: I did.
STUART: I don’t understand.
MERLE: David keeps teasing Mary.
MARY: I don’t care.
STUART (To Mary, about David): Be careful of him.
GLADYS: Stuart.
STUART: I’m joking.
MERLE (To Mary): He’s not. Be careful of him.
MARY (Smiling): I am.
(Laughter.)
STUART (To Bernie): I really mean it—good luck.
JOE (Getting their attention): Sh-sh. Sh-sh. Bernie has to leave soon. I’d like him to hear this.
STUART: What is this? His birthday speech?
MERLE (To Stuart): You have enough to eat?
BERNIE (To Stuart): I don’t know.
GLADYS: I don’t know either.
STUART (To Merle): I have plenty.
JOE: Does everyone have what they need? David, you going to need another beer?
DAVID: I’m okay.
JOE: Yeah. My birthday speech.
MERLE (To David, about the beer): You’ve finished that. I’ll get it.
DAVID: I’m okay.
(Merle gets David another beer.)
STUART: Why are you so serious? He looks so serious.
JOE: I’m surprised, Merle, you could go this long without saying anything.
MERLE: You told me not to, Joe.
JOE: Since when did you do what I say?
(The room is curious now.)
PEGGY: What is this?
DAVID: Peggy, you don’t know?
PEGGY: No.
JOE: Bernie needs to go fight for his job.
BERNIE (Curious): I’ve got a little time.
JOE: Merle? You want to begin?
(Merle doesn’t respond.)
Merle and I met this morning with Moses’ people. Mostly his deputy, some asshole in the Parks Department—what was he, British?
MERLE: I don’t know. Maybe. Really affected. The accent. The clothes. Everything.
JOE: ‘Constable.’ Right? His name.
DAVID (To Merle): Why were you meeting—?
JOE: They asked. They summoned us.
DAVID (To Merle): Where was this?
MERLE: The Arsenal.
PEGGY: This morning? You said nothing about this to me.
JOE (Over the end of this): They wanted us to know they’d had a meeting with our unions.
STUART: What?? Who—?
MERLE: The parks people, Stuart. With our unions. Stagehands. Actors … Teamsters …
PEGGY: I’m an actor.
MERLE: They all had a meeting together. And they didn’t invite Joe. Didn’t tell him about it. About a week ago. Did you know, Stuart?
STUART: No. Of course not. Why would I …?
MERLE (To Joe): I told you he didn’t know.
JOE: This Constable, he has a ridiculous moustache. And acts like he’s running India under the Raj. He’d be good casting for that. (Salutes stiffly) Didn’t you think so, Merle?
MERLE: All he needs is the riding whip …
STUART: What about the unions? What was this meeting for …?
(Joe has finished his beer.)
MERLE: You want another beer?
JOE: I got it, Merle … (Gets up to get a beer from the side table) Constable read a ‘summary’ someone had written—
MERLE: He wrote it. We’re sure he wrote it himself.
JOE: —of this ‘meeting’ back to us. Everyone had been told not to tell us about this meeting. And, according to Constable’s ‘summary,’ they spent the whole meeting just complaining about us. How poorly we pay people. How we ‘use’ people. Take advantage. And how everyone, all our unions, insist that we begin to charge money.
PEGGY: I thought we couldn’t because we were in the parks. I thought there was a rule about that, in the parks.
MERLE: There was. Is. When we were downtown. That park. We guess they’ve just changed the rule … And so now they want us to charge. But we do that and our union deals have to change, Bernie.
BERNIE: Sure.
MERLE: So everything will cost more. But what the parks people are really hoping for, what we think this is really about—
DAVID: What?
MERLE: —is that by making us charge, fewer and fewer people will then come to see our shows, David. And the smaller the audiences, the harder for us to then raise money. While at the same time, now that we’re charging, because of new union deals, we’ll need to raise even more. And on and on, until in no time, a couple of years at most, we’ll have just faded away …
DAVID: The festival?
MERLE: Joe tried to disagree … Tried to explain, we have deals with our unions; of course unions want more money, but we’re ‘free.’ And when he did, Mr. Constable—he asked Joe, if this ‘free’ idea, was this a ‘communist’ thing, Mr. Papp?
PEGGY: He said that? What right does he have to say that?
MERLE: He said that almost in passing. Almost dismissive. At first I didn’t know if I’d heard right. We didn’t know what to say. Constable, he just stares at us. Then some assistant comes in, didn’t even knock—
JOE: We think he was summoned. A buzzer under the desk?
MERLE: And reports to Constable that ‘the mothers are furious with them this morning.’
GLADYS: What mothers? I don’t understand.
MERLE: Constable doesn’t wait for us to even ask. He wants to explain that in the middle of last night, just off Central Park West, they brought in bulldozers and buried a kids’ playground, quickly poured the concrete and created fourteen spanking new parking spots for the fancy restaurant there. And now, Constable is grinning at us. ‘Oh,’ he says, ‘the mothers are so furious with us.’
STUART: This to intimidate you.
MERLE: Show us what they can do if they want to. He then leans across his big fat desk and asks Joe, ‘Mr. Papp, what kind of person takes the Fifth?’
DAVID: We’re a goddamn Shakespeare festival …
COLLEEN: What do they want?
JOE: Their park? Because it’s their park? Maybe to them we’ve been pissing in their park …
BERNIE: ‘What kind of person takes the Fifth …’
MERLE: We know where that’s headed. Right, Bernie?
BERNIE: Yeah …
PEGGY: He said that to you?
MERLE: After all what’s happened this week. Even preparing these past weeks for the Committee, it has taken its toll. Joe told me … I can tell them, can’t I? That he sometimes now, often, wakes up in the night, sweating and scared. He has a family.
DAVID: We can fight them, Joe.
JOE: I want to fight back, David. All things being equal, I’d fight. But … We know where that would likely end.
BERNIE: We do.
DAVID: Is the festival closing? Is that what you’re saying?
JOE: This doesn’t belong just to me, David. This is not a one-person vanity theater.
DAVID: Of course not.
GLADYS: What do you mean?
JOE: That’s what you’ve always said, haven’t you, Stuart?
STUART: I have.
JOE: So given everything, Merle and I have agreed, that the best thing is for me to back off now.
PEGGY: What does that mean?
JOE: To back off. Stuart, we’re handing our festival over to you.
BERNIE: Shit …
GLADYS: Joe …
DAVID: For how long?
MERLE: We buy time. To raise money? Do some shows? For as long as it takes, David.
JOE: You take charge, Stuart. You decide everything. You be the boss. You’re in a good position now. You’ve even got a rich guy behind you. And you’re you and not me. Be our white knight. You’re good casting for that. (Smiles) That’s it. I’m done. Now who the hell has the bottle opener?
BERNIE (Handing him his opener): Joe …
DAVID: This is so unfair.
JOE (To Peggy): I’m fine … Stuart, say something. He’s tonguetied. I never saw you tongue-tied …
MERLE: Everyone, we’re still hoping to do the two shows this summer.
GLADYS: Good.
JOE: Merle has written the press release. You should read it over. So—say something.
(No response.)
Nothing. That is a first.
MERLE: Some of our patrons will probably want Joe to keep a connection here. To the festival. And I’m sure we all want that too. At least for a while. (To Joe) A good while.
DAVID: Of course.
COLLEEN: Absolutely.
JOE: We’ll keep that quiet.
MERLE: After all, this has been Joe’s baby. He needs to remain a part of this in some way. As say a ‘friend of the court’? I insisted on this. And Joe’s agreed. That took some convincing. Here’s the press release, Stuart.
(He sets the press release in front of Stuart.)
JOE: We all know what a wonderful director Stuart is …
DAVID: We do.
COLLEEN: You are.
JOE: And a good friend. You and I have paid our dues—in the trenches together.
STUART: We have, Joe.
MERLE: Here it is, Stuart. I can change anything.
JOE: A steady hand … To keep them at bay. It won’t be easy. (‘Smiles’) We’ll be in good hands. (About Gladys) And this woman here, I highly recommend as an assistant. You could do far far worse … (Smiles) But you know that. As her husband …
(Stuart nods.)
(To Peggy) You okay?
PEGGY: I’m fine. I’m worried about you.
(He has taken the press release, then:)
STUART (Quietly): I don’t want it.
MERLE: What, Stuart? What did you say?
STUART: I said I don’t want it, Merle.
JOE: What do you mean? I don’t think I understand. You can do it and the Phoenix … We’ve assumed that, haven’t we?
MERLE: We have.
DAVID: Stuart?
STUART: I don’t want it. I love you. I love all of you. You’re my friends. I gave you good advice. How many times have I told you—Joe, you run this ‘festival’ like it’s all about Joe Papp? Now do you believe me?
JOE: I think this proves you are wrong, doesn’t it?
MERLE: It does, Stuart.
COLLEEN: This is very generous of Joe.
STUART: I’ll be the first to admit that our ‘festival’ has been great for me. And I am thankful for that. In the way, say like you step on a rock to cross a creek, to get to the other side. To get somewhere. Isn’t that what this is? A way to get somewhere? David, you understand.
DAVID: Understand what?
STUART: Come on. And now—I am somewhere else.
GLADYS: Stuart.
STUART: I have another job. And Joe, everyone in this room knows that the festival is broke. Merle? Gladys? David? Colleen? Peggy? We’re broke. We’re broke, Bernie. Yet he (Joe) acts like—And not because of Robert Moses, Joe, for god’s sake. Or his—‘Constable.’ Or the Parks Department.
JOE: Merle, I told you …
STUART: Told Merle what? That I wouldn’t want it? Then why are you acting so surprised. I just want to be honest with all of you. I’d think you’d want that. I’d want that. Look, Joe makes it like he’s giving me some great gift. What is he really trying to give me? Or is it: trying to pass off?
MERLE: That’s not fair.
STUART (Over this): Aren’t you just trying to use me again?
JOE: ‘Again’?
STUART (Over this): As the one grown-up in the room. To save you from yourselves.
GLADYS: He’s offering you the festival.
STUART: For Christ sake, you all pretend or maybe even believe that this ‘festival’—What festival, Gladys? This summer, one week of Othello that we set up to do with George Scott—
COLLEEN: He got a movie—
STUART: I’m not blaming George, Colleen. Far from it. And then your and Peggy’s—Twelfth Night, Joe. If you get that on. I hope you do … I’ll be there to cheer you on, if you do. I will. Merle, I happen to agree with the unions. I don’t think they were misrepresented as you implied. What’s in it for them? That’s exactly what they should be asking, isn’t it? That’s why there are unions. And now I’m simply asking, what we all should be asking: what’s in it for me now? For any of us? Actually, maybe they’ve just done us all a real service, the Parks Department.
DAVID: What are you talking about?
STUART: By forcing us to now face the truth, David. And I’m now wondering, Joe, because you’re a smart man, a very smart man, that maybe you’ve just realized too and now are simply trying to untangle yourself without saying so. And so dump this on me.
MERLE: He’s not dumping anything—
DAVID (Over this): Come on, Stuart.
GLADYS: I think you’ve said enough.
STUART (Over this): I really hate being the only grown-up here. But I have accepted that responsibility for a while now.
(David gets up and moves away from the table.)
David, don’t just walk away. See, that’s what I mean. Why can’t we be grown-ups? Isn’t it time we heard the truth? Bernie, people come and sit on the grass or in chairs on a nice summer night in the park. And we think they are there only because of us? Because they so admire us?
BERNIE: I think so.
STUART: Gladys, you’ve heard me say the same a hundred times.
GLADYS: Say what, Stuart?
STUART: I think this Constable has simply told us what in our hearts we know is true. That the real reason we don’t want to charge—
GLADYS: This is not true.
STUART: —is because we’re afraid no one will come if we do.
DAVID: I don’t think that.
GLADYS (Same time): It’s not true.
STUART (Over this): So ‘free,’ it’s just a way of avoiding failure. While at the same time it lets us pretend that we are above all that—what? Other stuff? Stuff that I’m now ‘not above’? (To Bernie) “Mr. Broadway.”
BERNIE: That was a joke.
STUART: I know. We in this room created this ‘festival’—for one simple reason, to get our work seen, so we could move on. I’m moving on. Where’s George Scott right now?
COLLEEN (Again): He got a movie, Stuart.
STUART (Over this): We decided to do Othello because of George Scott. Then George Scott gets a movie, and all of us are like—congratulations, lucky him, I wish it were me. I want to make movies too. This is what we want. We’re ambitious. And that is a good thing, isn’t it? To be ambitious? You tell me if someone came to you right now, David, and said—
DAVID: Stuart, please don’t—
STUART: ‘I want you to write music for these five shows at the Phoenix,’ you’d say, ‘Oh, but I have committed that time to these free plays in Central Park?’ Well I’ve asked him, and he’s said yes. (To David) Haven’t you?
(No response from David.)
Merle, I think our press rep is tired, they need a change. I’ve told them about you. Peggy, if you want to audition … I can’t promise anything, but … And—Robertson is going to stage manage for me. A whole season. And what’s wrong with that? We’re not kids anymore, ‘making our own breaks.’ You’re right we have families. You have a child. Let’s all now be grown-ups. That’s what I’ve wanted to say to all of you, for a very long time …
GLADYS: Stuart, they are asking for your help.
STUART: And that is exactly what I’m trying to give, Gladys.
(Gladys starts to cry.)
I’m sorry. And this isn’t easy for me, either. Gladys, maybe there is something I can do to help Joe.
GLADYS: Please, stop.
MERLE: Enough, Stuart. You’ve said more than enough.
STUART: No, let me help, Joe. We all need help. We all help each other. Joe, I’ve been offered this show in the fall. Broadway. Something I’m fitting in around the Phoenix. Maybe you could be our stage manager. Robertson isn’t free. He’s busy at the Phoenix. We’d be so damn lucky to get you. What do you say?
GLADYS: Joe’s not a stage manager, Stuart … And you’re an asshole.
STUART (Hurt): I’m an asshole? Why do you say that, Gladys? Have you heard a word I’ve said?
BERNIE: Stuart, what are you doing? These are your friends.
STUART: I know that, Bernie. I know—that’s what I’ve been trying to say. Come on, what he’s asking of me—isn’t fair. It really isn’t. And I think he knows it. Gladys, what a terrible thing to say. In front of our friends.
(Pause.)
Fuck. I better go. I’m not really hungry …
BERNIE: Stuart …
STUART (As he goes): Happy birthday …
(He is gone.
Silence.
Joe stands.)
JOE: Excuse me.
DAVID: Fuck him.
PEGGY: Joe, what are you doing?
MERLE: Joe, what good is—?
BERNIE: Don’t fight him. Damn it. That won’t help.
(Joe goes.)
MERLE (Standing, to Bernie): Should I go—
GLADYS (To Merle): Joe won’t catch him. We know my husband.
BERNIE: And even if Joe does—Joe’s not a puncher, he’s a chest thumper. They’ll just bruise each other …
DAVID: I’m sitting here listening and thinking—do I just go over there, reach down and rip out his balls? ‘Grow up’??
