Illyria (TCG Edition), page 4
STUART (Suddenly stands up): Excuse me, I’ve got work to do. We’ll talk about this later.
MERLE: Stuart, come on. Stop it.
STUART: Peggy, please bring the baby around some time. I’d love to meet her. I’m sure she looks like you … (Nods) Merle.
MERLE: Stuart, calm down. And have your goddamn lunch.
GLADYS (Over this): Please, eat your lunch.
DAVID (To Stuart): Aren’t we going to the movies?
STUART (To David): I don’t feel like a movie right now. Merle, since when did he start putting “Joseph Papp presents” all over every fucking thing? I’m the one who directs all the fucking shows.
(Stuart is gone.)
JOE: He couldn’t even say that to my face.
MERLE: I thought he did. You were right here …
JOE: Directors are a dime a dozen in this town … Aren’t they, Merle?
MERLE: I don’t know. Are they?
JOE: He’s an asshole. How long have we known that?
PEGGY: Joe … Gladys is his wife.
GLADYS: It’s all right. (To Joe) Sometimes Stuart can be like that, I know.
JOE: The Phoenix—there’s just a vanity theater. If a rich guy wants to throw his money away—no one criticizes that. Stuart’s too ‘grand’ for us now, Peggy.
GLADYS: I don’t think that’s true.
JOE: He runs ‘the Phoenix.’ And I thought loyalty still counted for something. I’m so naive.
MERLE: He’s just blowing off steam, Peggy.
PEGGY: Who?
MERLE: Full of himself. Doesn’t want to listen to anything or anybody. (To Joe) Stuart.
PEGGY: Is this about me?
JOE: No. No.
PEGGY: I told you he didn’t want me. He didn’t want me for Kate.
JOE: That was Kate. This is not about you. I could direct the damn play, Merle …
MERLE: Stuart will direct. Joe, he’s just—
JOE: Stuart’s leaving because—
MERLE (Over this): He’s not leaving. He also has another job. Who doesn’t do two jobs? You do two jobs.
(As they eat:)
DAVID: Yesterday, a guy from the Village Voice—he came and interviewed Stuart.
MERLE: What? I didn’t know that.
JOE: I don’t know about this.
DAVID: Stuart thought it’d be ‘cool’ to do the interview on the stage.
MERLE: Who was it, Michael Smith? I should know about things like that. I should be told—
JOE (To Merle): Why didn’t he tell you?
MERLE: They’re supposed to ask me first.
DAVID: So I moved my stuff. And I sat in the wings, pretending to work out some charts. The things Stuart said. The man is so goddamn full of himself. Full of bullshit. And—he’s my friend.
MERLE: Glad you added that. I was going to remind us all of that.
JOE: He said to me the other night—talk about full of himself—
GLADYS: You told me this.
JOE: —that he doesn’t think we’re really serious. About raising money. “If we want to be a serious theater, Joe …” He’s all about money, Stuart.
MERLE: Nothing wrong with money.
JOE: “T. Edward Hambleton knows how to raise money.” Sure, he knows how to write himself a goddamn check.
DAVID: They’re paying real salaries, he said.
JOE (Over this): I told him we were damn serious. I told him we were going to have a big benefit.
MERLE: Are we? (To Peggy) What benefit? Anyone else know about a benefit?
PEGGY: No.
JOE (Over the end of this): I’ll be setting up a benefit committee.
MERLE: When did he decide—?
JOE: I’m going to ask Scott. And set a goal for—let’s round it at—at an even million.
MERLE: A million dollars, Joe?
PEGGY: You think that’s realistic?
JOE: Merle, do you think we can do it?
MERLE: Why not?
DAVID (Handing back the photos): She’s so sweet …
(David hasn’t eaten.)
JOE (To David): You don’t want a sandwich?
PEGGY (To Joe): I should go soon.
MERLE: A million … Why the hell not?
JOE: And in the meantime, Merle and I have agreed—that this summer we’ll pass a hat. Before and after each show. Like in a church.
DAVID: Or on the Bowery. Just joking.
PEGGY: I thought you weren’t allowed to do that. In the park. No begging …
JOE: This isn’t ‘begging.’ Anyway, aren’t rules meant to be broken? And besides what are they going to do? Arrest us? It’s a play …
MERLE: Kerr wrote some nice things about us today.
DAVID: More about Scott? He loves Scott.
MERLE: Yeah. Still the son of a bitch couldn’t resist beating his drum again.
DAVID: Not again.
MERLE: We must ‘charge something.’ ‘Doesn’t have to be a lot, just fucking something …’ He won’t quit. We’ll write him again, Joe.
DAVID: We can’t charge. That’s our union deal.
MERLE: Which I think is also a good thing.
JOE: So we’ll pass the hat. Before and after …
MERLE: And then we’ll have Joe’s benefit.
JOE: It’s not a joke.
PEGGY (With the photos): Merle, I was with Miranda in Washington Square the other day?
MERLE: What? (A joke) Joe says you never got out.
PEGGY: By myself. I never go out by myself. I had Miranda. And that’s fine … (Continues) And all these mothers with baby carriages and their kids—they were raising a ton of money.
DAVID: I know about this.
MERLE (Over this): Money for what?
DAVID: A road the city wants to build through the middle of the park.
GLADYS: Washington Square?
DAVID: They’re fighting that.
JOE: Good luck.
DAVID (Over this): And raising money.
GLADYS: What about the fountain?
DAVID: I don’t think it’s going to happen, Gladys.
PEGGY: Their buckets were almost completely full.
MERLE: That’s good.
DAVID: I think they’re backing off, Gladys. The city.
MERLE: Or just waiting them out. Waiting out the mothers.
PEGGY: Maybe I should carry Miranda around in my arms when we pass the hat? Seems to work.
JOE: Good idea.
GLADYS: Like the Gypsies.
DAVID: Smudge a little dirt on her face.
GLADYS: And in her cute little bear outfit.
PEGGY: Merle bought her that.
JOE: And who knows, maybe they’ll be so busy fighting off the mothers, that they’ll just forget all about us. (‘Calls out’) Go after the mothers!
PEGGY: I really need to go.
(She starts to pick up.)
JOE: I’ll walk you out.
GLADYS: I should go, too. (Getting up) Do you mind if I work in your office, Joe? I should write some letters …
JOE: Take another sandwich.
GLADYS: I’ve had plenty. Joe, you know my husband sometimes says things that he doesn’t mean. And later regrets. I can attest to that. But he loves our festival. He really does. But if he doesn’t want to direct this play, and he will regret that, I’m sure, then I think you, Joe, would be a very good choice. I really do, Joe. You should really consider it. Please do. To hell with him. Pardon my language. That’s what I think, for what it’s worth. Thanks for lunch. Both of you. Bye, Peggy.
PEGGY: I’m going too. (To Gladys) And thanks for all the help rehearsing.
GLADYS: And you did great. Didn’t she, guys?
MERLE: She did.
DAVID (Same time): You really did …
GLADYS: Bye.
PEGGY: Bye.
(Gladys is gone.)
PEGGY: That woman is devoted to this theater …
MERLE: I know.
PEGGY: It can’t be easy for her. Don’t leave this for John.
MERLE: We’ll pick up, Peggy.
PEGGY: We always leave it for John.
JOE (Again): I’ll walk you out.
PEGGY: You don’t have to.
JOE: I want to. You’ve hardly eaten anything … Merle, just before Miranda was born? (About Peggy) She was—this big. (Smiles)
PEGGY:Joe …
JOE: Sometimes she let me come to class. She did this scene with Colleen—
PEGGY (Smiles): Oh that.
JOE: —and my god she held her own.
MERLE: That’s something. To hold your own with Colleen.
JOE: That’s what I’m saying, Merle. From some Shaw play.
PEGGY: Stella was impressed.
MERLE: I should go too …
DAVID: Me too.
PEGGY: Good to see you, David.
DAVID: You too, Peggy.
PEGGY (To Joe): I’m going to take the subway. I don’t need to take a cab.
(They are gone.)
MERLE: Welcome back!
DAVID: Welcome back!
MERLE: You going downtown?
DAVID: Yeah.
MERLE: Me too. You want to go through the park and down the west side?
DAVID: Good idea. I’ve been stuck inside this theater all day.
(John appears.)
JOHN: What’s Peggy doing here? I haven’t seen her in ages.
MERLE: She’s had a baby, John.
JOHN: I know that.
JOHN (About the food): What’s all this?
MERLE: Have a sandwich and a soda.
DAVID: Compliments of Joe and Peggy Papp. It’ll just go to waste.
JOHN (Taking a sandwich): Thanks … I haven’t had lunch yet. Long day already.
DAVID: I’m sure. Sounds like it. Fucking George C. Scott …
JOHN: You know I never got him into a cab. When I took Mary to the subway, we saw him still sitting on a bench in the park.
DAVID: By the way, your Mary’s something, John. She is really something. Lucky you.
JOHN: Oh I know. How’d her audition go? She didn’t know. Do you know?
DAVID: No, I don’t know.
MERLE: I don’t know …
(They go.
Alone, John begins to eat his sandwich.
Lights fade.)
Scene 2
Sunday, June 22, 1958. Early afternoon.
Colleen’s apartment on the Upper West Side, near the park. Tables put together for a lunch party; piano, chairs and a bench set around the tables; rugs; two large arm chairs; a side table. Street noise throughout the scene.
Peggy is setting tablecloths over the tables, and will set out the plates, etc. Merle sits. Joe and Bernie sit at the table and sing together; David plays the piano, sight-reading from sheet music.
JOE AND BERNIE (Singing):
… and giddy with care, busy counting your profit and losses,
Showing the might of you name unto god—in the gay-colored page of a checkbook …
(They emphasize “checkbook.”
Colleen and then Gladys will enter with a tray of glasses; pitchers of iced tea and lemonade.)
Storing the best of your life in a draw’r of your desk at the office:
Bellow goodbye to the buggerin’ lot ’n’ come out
(They emphasize “buggerin’ lot.”)
To bow down the head ’n’ bend down the knee to the bee, the bird, ’n’ the blossom …
Bann’ring the breast of the earth with a wonderful beauty …
(They finish.)
BERNIE: “Wonderful beauty …”
JOE: “Wonderful beauty.” Amazing we still can remember this, Bernie.
BERNIE: “Bellow goodbye to the buggerin’ lot.”
GLADYS: Lunch is almost ready.
COLLEEN: I need to tune that. (The piano)
(Colleen will head back to kitchen.)
PEGGY: Would that have helped?
(Mary has come in with beers.)
MARY (To Gladys): Where should I—?
GLADYS: Hand them out.
(Gladys heads off to the kitchen.)
DAVID (The sheet music): What is this?
MERLE: Don’t ask. Oh god, please don’t ask.
BERNIE: From a play, David, that takes place inside a park.
MERLE (To David): O’Casey.
JOE: From our youth. When we were kids. A park play, Bernie. I forgot that. And so it’s like I’ve just gone full circle.
(Takes a beer.)
DAVID: What do you mean?
MARY (To Joe): Do you need …? (A bottle opener)
BERNIE (Has a bottle opener on a key chain): I got it.
JOE: A park. I’m back in a park. Full circle …
(Gladys and then Colleen return with dishes for lunch.)
BERNIE: Maybe you should just change your name to the New York O’Casey Festival.
GLADYS: That’ll help with fundraising.
BERNIE: Stick it to the rich.
GLADYS: That will help with fundraising.
MERLE: ‘Give us money and we’ll stick it to you.’ It has its own ring.
JOE: We have been there, and we have done that.
MARY: Been where??
JOE: We were there with this. (The O’Casey play)
MERLE (To Mary): They did an O’Casey.
DAVID: I didn’t know them then.
BERNIE (Over this to Joe): And you still owe me the two hundred bucks—
MARY: What two hundred—?
JOE (Over this): Forget it, Bernie.
PEGGY (Same time, to Mary): Don’t ask.
MERLE (Explaining to Mary): They produced some play—
GLADYS: Joe directed it.
PEGGY (Explaining to Mary): An O’Casey …
MERLE: A million years ago.
BERNIE: We’re not all that old, Merle. We’re still kids!
PEGGY (To Colleen): I can vouch for that.
COLLEEN: Me too.
BERNIE (Back to the O’Casey story, to David): Joe directed it. My god! Where’s my money?
JOE: It wasn’t the directing, Bernie.
MERLE (To Bernie): You’ll never see that two hundred dollars.
DAVID: What’s this?
BERNIE: He (Joe) said it was a loan. He signed a piece of paper.
(They have done this joke many times:)
JOE: That was a ‘thank you note,’ Bernie. (To the others) Thank you for the two hundred dollars. He wanted to invest in theater. Bernie! With his own money!
BERNIE (Feigned shock): That was an investment?!
(They laugh.)
PEGGY: Is there another beer? One for me?
MARY: There are plenty of beers in Colleen’s icebox …
(She heads back to the kitchen.)
David brought the beer … Colleen, what else?
COLLEEN (To Mary): And the water pitcher next to the sink …
(Sees that the water pitcher is already out) Never mind.
(Mary is gone.)
GLADYS: And there’s lemonade ….
DAVID: I brought the beer. At least I did that.
PEGGY: I think we’re ready for you, gentlemen.
GLADYS (To Colleen): Does it matter where we sit?
COLLEEN: Joe at the head … Anywhere else …
JOE (A great memory): O’Casey, Bernie.
GLADYS (To Joe): You’re there … (The head of the table)
COLLEEN: David, it’s out of tune. I’m sorry.
DAVID: It’s fine. I don’t really play the piano …
BERNIE: I think they know that now.
(They slowly take their seats.)
GLADYS: Sit anywhere.
MERLE: You’ll never see that money, Bernie.
BERNIE: I know. I know. You don’t have to tell me.
COLLEEN: What are you talking about?
MERLE: His two hundred bucks.
BERNIE: I found the sheet music in a shoebox of old stuff. I thought it’d be fun …
PEGGY: It is. (To Joe) It’s fun to hear you guys sing.
MERLE: You were mostly in the kitchen.
PEGGY (To Bernie): Sit by me.
COLLEEN: Maybe on purpose.
MERLE: That’s what I thought.
BERNIE: It was in the back of my closet. I’d forgotten all about it. (A joke to Joe) Some things it’s best to forget ….
MERLE: Who made all this?
PEGGY: Gladys mostly.
GLADYS: That’s not true.
PEGGY: It’s true, Gladys. (Starts a list) Your macaroni salad—
GLADYS: That’s all I know how to make.
(Mary comes out with more beers.)
PEGGY: That’s not true.
GLADYS (Pointing out a dish): Mary brought that …
MARY: What did I bring? Did I do something wrong?
COLLEEN: No … (Smiles)
GLADYS (Over this): The meatballs.
DAVID (To Mary): Why did you think you—?
PEGGY: They look delicious.
(She has picked up a beer.)
BERNIE: Let me open that …
MARY (To Peggy): My mother’s recipe.
PEGGY (To Gladys): And that’s yours. And that.
GLADYS: Okay. Okay.
PEGGY: I didn’t make anything. Sorry.
GLADYS: You just got back.
DAVID (To Mary): Here, you’re sitting next to me.
MERLE: Do you always do what he tells you to?
MARY (Smiling): Almost never.
DAVID: Mary brought the potato salad …
BERNIE: Your mother’s recipe?
MARY: Not that. I didn’t make that. I bought it.
COLLEEN: Don’t tell them that. Pass this over …
(She hands a dish to pass; and other dishes are passed around.)
DAVID (Over this): Looks so good … (To Mary) Especially the ‘homemade’ potato salad …
MARY: It isn’t homemade.
MERLE: He’s teasing you.
MARY: I know.
COLLEEN (Holding up a dish): Who didn’t get—? Merle?
MERLE: I’m fine, Colleen.
GLADYS: You have a beer, Joe? What happened to Joe’s beer?
MERLE: Give him a beer. He should have a beer.
BERNIE: He had one.
MERLE: Where did you leave it?
JOE: I left it over … [by the piano].
MERLE: I got it …
(Merle gets Joe his beer.)
COLLEEN: What time do you have to get back, Bernie?
BERNIE: I have time … Joe, I’m meeting Houseman in Grand Central. Before the train. Some bar. We’re taking the train back together.
COLLEEN: God bless that man … The shit has started hitting the fan up there. Or so one hears.
PEGGY: In Stratford?
