Illyria (TCG Edition), page 5
COLLEEN: That’s what George says.
JOE (To Bernie): So what’s happening in Stratford? What sort of shit has been hitting the fan, Bernie?
(All are interested.)
BERNIE: Three, four board members …
JOE: ‘Board members.’ Hell with them.
BERNIE (Sips his beer): Fuck ’em.
COLLEEN: George said he’d heard they want you out, Bernie. The board there. That’s what he heard. I told Peggy this. George has friends up there … But Houseman is standing by you?
BERNIE: He’s gotten some of the actors with him.
COLLEEN: Good. Good.
PEGGY: You’d expect that.
MERLE: Not necessarily.
BERNIE: Some … of the actors … I’m told to expect most of the crew—they may not choose to talk to me. Cold shoulder stuff. That kind of thing.
JOE: Not easy when you’re the stage manager.
BERNIE: No. (Smiles) No.
DAVID (To Bernie, a joke): So they won’t be talking back … The crew.
BERNIE: That’s always good. A nice change.
COLLEEN: Bernie, the crew’s busy not speaking to you and the board’s busy trying to hang you from a flagpole. Do they have time up there to do any theater? What the hell are you rehearsing?
BERNIE: Midsummer and Hamlet. I’m stage managing Hamlet.
COLLEEN (To Mary): In Stratford.
MARY: I understood. I’ve worked in—
DAVID (To others): Mary worked in Stratford.
GLADYS: We saw you.
MERLE: This is the Fritz Weaver Hamlet?
DAVID: Is that a good idea?
COLLEEN: Who else?
BERNIE: Geraldine as Gertrude. Morris … Ellis Rabb is the Player King.
COLLEEN: Oh god. Haven’t we already seen that?
GLADYS: What do you mean?
COLLEEN: You go to a bar with Ellis and you’ll see his Player King.
PEGGY: You go to the post office with Ellis—
PEGGY AND COLLEEN: ‘—and you’ll see his Player King.’
COLLEEN (Mimicking Ellis, to Joe): “Out, out thou strumpet Fortune!”
PEGGY: That’s him buying a stamp!
BERNIE: It’s a memorable Player King …
COLLEEN: One of those memories you can’t ever get out of your head. No matter how hard you try. How hard you scrub. It’s still in there … You just can’t shake it out.
PEGGY: Like a jingle …
COLLEEN: Except louder.
JOE: Maybe we’ll come up and see it.
BERNIE: I’d love that, Joe.
JOE: Now that I’ve got the time. (Trying to make a joke) Sounds like you’ll need someone to talk to up there …
BERNIE: Ellis is saying most of the lines.
COLLEEN (To Bernie): I wouldn’t want to have to stage manage …
BERNIE (Continues): Just not always the same lines.
(To Joe) And I’m very sorry about you losing your job.
That’s so fucking wrong.
MERLE: They really should know better.
BERNIE: Since when should CBS know better? Anyway, fuck ’em. Joe Papp doesn’t need their damn job.
JOE: I expected nothing less from them. I’d have been shocked had they done anything less.
BERNIE: Me too.
PEGGY (To Joe): That’s not what you’ve been saying.
GLADYS: Peggy just got back last night.
BERNIE: You must be very tired.
PEGGY: We were two hours late.
BERNIE (To Joe): Did you pick them up?
GLADYS: Joe did.
JOE: What do I have to do? I have nothing to do …
BERNIE: Tired?
PEGGY: No, I’m really not. I’m not. It’s good to be back. It was hard being away. Really really hard.
COLLEEN: I’ll bet.
MARY: I can imagine.
GLADYS: She didn’t want to go …
BERNIE (To say something): Pan Am?
PEGGY: Yes. My mother’s with the baby now. Probably both asleep. (Smiles)
COLLEEN: What?
PEGGY: I’m not sure Paris is the place to go with your mother.
COLLEEN: Not with my mother!
(They laugh.)
MARY: See any theater there? I’ve never been to Paris. I’ve never been anywhere.
PEGGY: I didn’t, Mary. I don’t really speak French.
BERNIE: It was probably good for you to be away …
PEGGY: I don’t know.
JOE: I agree …
BERNIE: It wasn’t fun.
PEGGY: That’s what my parents thought. And Joe. I wanted to stay …
BERNIE: It was probably easier for Joe—
PEGGY (To Joe): I’d have happily sat there with you, next to you—
JOE: I know, and held my hand—And yours too, Bernie—I know. Peggy, we know. But your parents were right. One less thing to think about. Worry about.
PEGGY: ‘Thing’?? Come on, Joe.
JOE: You know what I mean. And it made your parents calm down a bit—your not being here. They needed to calm down …
GLADYS (To Peggy): You must be tired.
PEGGY: I slept on the plane.
COLLEEN: I never can do that.
PEGGY: I didn’t want to go.
JOE (To ‘Mary’): Mary, her parents live in Utah.
MARY: I didn’t know that.
JOE: So they imagine all sorts of things. Because there’s nothing out there to actually see? So you’re always imagining.
BERNIE: What does that mean?
PEGGY: He likes Utah. At least, that’s what you’ve told me. Many times.
JOE: I do. I like Utah.
PEGGY (To ‘Colleen’): I’m not sure I believe him now—
JOE: It was a joke.
PEGGY (Again): I didn’t want to go. And I think it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Being away during all this—I hated every minute I was away. Why I ever let my parents talk me into going, I don’t know …
BERNIE: For some reason I can’t picture Joe Papp in the middle of Utah. Of all places.
JOE (Trying to make a joke): I don’t know what the hell Peggy’s parents were ‘imagining.’ Knock down our door, grab my wife and demand her to—what? Answer! Is your husband a goddamn communist?!
(He laughs, no one else does.)
PEGGY: I would have said, you’re not. I would have said anything.
(Then:)
COLLEEN: Peggy brought me back a lovely scarf.
PEGGY: They sell them in the street. They’re really cheap.
COLLEEN (To the women): I was telling her, we women should all go to Paris together sometime. Get a whole group together and just go over there.
MARY: I’d like to go. If I can afford it I’d really like to go. If I’m not doing a show—
MERLE: If you are not at Stratford.
COLLEEN (Continuing): Just women.
MARY (Trying to make a joke to David): Just women!
DAVID: Why do you say that to me?
COLLEEN: And have some fun. Gladys? What about you?
GLADYS (To Peggy): What about the baby?
COLLEEN: Let the men do that for a change. I’d like to see Joe—
PEGGY: He does his share, Colleen. He does what he can. Miranda and I both missed him. We really did.
MARY: So when do we go to Paris? (To David) If the restaurant will let me out …
DAVID (To Mary): I don’t think they’re serious …
MARY: You aren’t serious?
COLLEEN: Joe, Peggy was saying in the kitchen that in Paris, she’s pretty much learned all her lines.
BERNIE: For what—?
JOE: She’s my Olivia.
BERNIE: Of course. I heard that. Congratulations.
PEGGY: We’ll see.
GLADYS: She’ll be great.
DAVID: Joe’s directing.
BERNIE: I heard that too. Congratulations.
DAVID: Stuart got busy.
BERNIE: That’s what I heard too.
DAVID: I’m doing the music.
MERLE: Who else?
COLLEEN: She was saying her mom helped her. When they were in Paris.
JOE (Over this): She told me. That made me laugh.
COLLEEN: With her lines. I have this picture now in my head of the two of them sitting in a Paris café outside, smoking—
PEGGY: I don’t smoke.
DAVID: Does your mom smoke?
PEGGY: No.
GLADYS: Her mom—this very handsome Mormon lady—
JOE: She is.
GLADYS: —reading Viola? That’s very funny. I would have liked to have seen that.
JOE: Me too.
COLLEEN: She’s going to be great …
GLADYS (A joke): Her mom?
MARY (To Peggy): I could help out too. Running lines. If your mother gets tired. Any time.
PEGGY: I may take you up on that, Mary. I just may. Watch out.
MARY: I mean it. I do.
DAVID: I know she does.
MARY: It helps me too. Just running lines. I like it.
BERNIE: When do you start?
JOE: In a few weeks. So I’ll be busy for a while …
GLADYS: I’ve been reading a lot of books about Twelfth Night.
JOE: Good. That’ll help … I need the help.
COLLEEN: George called me from the set this morning and when I told—about us getting together today … About it being your birthday, Joe—He wanted to make sure I passed along his happy birthday.
JOE: Thank you, George.
COLLEEN: He’s still filming.
PEGGY (To Merle): It’s his first movie. Colleen told me. I hadn’t realized it was his first.
MERLE: I hadn’t either … Good for him.
MARY: Colleen, is George coming back into your play? I loved the play. Did I tell you that?
COLLEEN: You told me. I really loved doing it. Two more weeks. We’re going to close. (To Mary) Thank you.
MARY: And you were really great.
MERLE: A good run. For this season a good run.
COLLEEN: A good run. (Smiles, others laugh) Very good!
PEGGY: Especially for you!
(The women laugh.)
COLLEEN: Especially for me!
GLADYS (Over this): For her.
MARY: Why?
PEGGY: She met George!
GLADYS (Same time): George!
MARY: Of course. George!
(They laugh.)
DAVID: Colleen, I just hope you’re still laughing …
(The men laugh.)
GLADYS: What do you mean?
DAVID: He is—George …
MERLE: George …
COLLEEN: He’s better now. A lot calmer. Must be me. (To the women) George Scott is who he is. You accept that and the rest is easy.
PEGGY (Pushing forward): He is going to do a play …
MERLE: When? I haven’t heard—?
PEGGY: Colleen told me.
COLLEEN: In the fall. And it’s going to tour. Then come in. George is so upset about—for both of you. (Turns to Joe) And Joe, he asked if you’d ever consider—doing him a favor, and stage managing this play. He’s sure he could arrange that. He says he’s pretty sure they haven’t hired anyone yet.
PEGGY (Knows the answer, to Colleen): In the fall?
JOE (Eating): Did George suggest this or did you call him back and ask? Or beg?
PEGGY: Joe, it’s a job. You need a job.
COLLEEN: Joe, George wasn’t—
MERLE: They’d be so lucky to have you as their stage manager—
JOE: I’m not just a goddamn stage manager, Merle. I’m not.
PEGGY (To Colleen): We’ll talk about it …
JOE: About what?
PEGGY: I think it would just be an easy thing to do. To fill this time. You’ve got some time, as you just said. Thank you, Colleen. And thank George. We will sleep on it.
BERNIE (To Joe): Did you like your lawyer? We haven’t even had the chance to compare notes …
JOE: We haven’t seen each other.
MERLE: He had Ephraim. I got Ephraim for Joe.
BERNIE: I know. That’s why I’m asking. You hear different things.
MERLE: About Ephraim?
JOE: I liked him.
MERLE: What do you hear?
PEGGY (To Joe): You said he was very helpful.
JOE: Once, I was about to say …
(They listen, interested.)
I don’t know what—to those sons of bitches. I felt his hand, his fingers on my elbow, digging in. (Smiles) ‘Don’t do it, Joe.’ ‘Don’t do it.’ Don’t give them anything. Don’t make them mad. Don’t wave anything red in front of their faces …
BERNIE (Answering Merle’s question): That Ephraim can be a bit ‘stiff.’ That’s all. (To Joe) I had Faulkner.
MERLE: Stanley.
DAVID (Trying to make a joke, to Merle): Do you know all the lawyers? Why does Merle know all the lawyers?
COLLEEN: Merle knows everyone, and can fix everything. Everyone knows that.
MERLE: I wish. If only that were true, Colleen. God knows I try.
BERNIE (To Joe): I wanted to give a statement. Faulkner didn’t want me to.
PEGGY: Neither did Ephraim. (To Joe) Right? (To the others) Say as little as possible, and just get out of there. (To Joe) Isn’t that right? That’s what you told me.
JOE (To Bernie): You were first. Before me …
COLLEEN: Were you, Bernie? I didn’t know that.
MERLE: Bernie was on Wednesday.
BERNIE (Continues): So the Committee was still ‘fresh.’ I kept saying but I don’t even work in television or movies. I work in the goddamn theater. I thought this time around you’re investigating just television and movies. So I said—the guy you really want to talk to is a guy named ‘Joseph Papp.’
DAVID (Serious): Bernie, you didn’t—
MERLE: He’s joking, David.
BERNIE: He works for CBS. He’s in television. Did you catch that? ‘Joseph Papp.’ I slowed down so they could write it. ‘I think he’s coming in tomorrow. Talk to him.’ I kept saying—can we hurry this up? I’ve got a matinee!
(He smiles.)
DAVID: I’m sure that went over well.
MERLE (To David): He didn’t really say it.
DAVID: I know.
BERNIE: I thought Arens looked like a fucking monkey.
JOE: Moulder was the really scary one, I thought. I keep thinking I’d cast him as one of the killers in Macbeth.
BERNIE: Angelo. In Measure.
JOE: Maybe. That fits too.
BERNIE: Houseman says it’s not going to be an easy fight. With the board. They really want me out … And hanging from a tree. Or flagpole …
(Doorbell.)
DAVID: Who’s that?
(Colleen goes to get the door.)
COLLEEN: I don’t know …
MERLE: He came, Joe.
PEGGY: Who?
GLADYS: Who?
(Colleen returns with Stuart.)
COLLEEN: Look who the cat dragged in.
STUART: Sorry I’m late. What did I miss?
MERLE: You’re late, Stuart.
DAVID (Same time): Stuart! (To Merle) I thought he wasn’t coming.
BERNIE: ‘Mr. Broadway.’
STUART (Over this): Good to see you too, Bernie. What the hell are you doing here? I heard they haven’t fired you yet. And there are worse names to be called, thank you.
GLADYS: I thought you couldn’t come.
(Stuart kisses Gladys.)
MERLE: Hi, Stuart. Glad you could fit us in. You’re a busy man.
STUART: I was busy, Merle. Some of us do real work for a living.
MERLE: I work.
COLLEEN (Over this): There’s plenty of food.
PEGGY: I’ll get him a plate, Colleen.
COLLEEN (Following, to Mary): There’s another chair in the kitchen. It’s broken … (Calls back) Someone get him a beer.
MERLE: I got it … (The beer)
(Colleen and Peggy go off.
Stuart is looking at Mary.)
MARY (Reminding him): Mary …
STUART: I know who you are. Why are you here? Is Robertson here?
MARY: No, no, he’s not.
DAVID: Mary came with me …
STUART (Penny drops): Oh. Ah. Well, good to see you. And you too, David. (To Mary) I hope Stratford hasn’t stolen you away again.
MARY: No, no it hasn’t. Not yet.
STUART (To David): You are something.
DAVID: What do you mean? What does he mean? Who knows what he means?
(Laughter.)
MARY: Why are they laughing?
STUART: Nice to see you, Bernie. I mean it. It’s been ages. I hear you have your hands full up there babysitting Ellis.
BERNIE: He’s doing fine. They love him ‘up there.’ The suburbs.
JOE (Greetings Stuart): Stuart …
STUART:Joe ….
BERNIE: I have to go soon.
STUART: I just got here.
MERLE: Maybe that’s why.
BERNIE: Actually it is.
GLADYS (Explaining): He’s meeting up with Houseman.
(Colleen has returned with a chair. Peggy follows with a place setting.)
STUART: Where?
GLADYS: Bernie’s taking the train back with him. He’s trying to save Bernie’s job.
STUART: From what I hear—good luck.
BERNIE: Thank you, Stuart, thank you. I so appreciate the concern. And the confidence.
STUART: I meant … I mean—good luck. Really.
MERLE: We know what you mean.
BERNIE (To Stuart): Thanks. Hopefully I won’t need ‘luck.’
PEGGY (Wiping her hands): Stuart, thank you for coming.
STUART (Greeting): Peggy …
(They hug.)
PEGGY: Thank you. And isn’t it good to see Bernie?
COLLEEN: We don’t see him enough.
PEGGY: I know it means a lot to Joe.
STUART: I’m sure it does.
BERNIE (Shrugs): It’s his (Joe’s) birthday …
PEGGY: Not just that.
COLLEEN (Calls): Everyone come back to the table.
STUART: Joe’s birthday? I didn’t know that.
GLADYS: You didn’t know it was his—?
STUART: No one told me. Why didn’t you tell me?
COLLEEN: Come and sit down.
STUART (Heading to the table): So that’s what that was about. When he called this morning he made such a big point: ‘Are you coming today?’ ‘Please, can you be here? It’s important.’
COLLEEN (To Stuart): You’re there.
STUART: Do I have to sit next to Bernie? Why didn’t you just say it was your birthday? (A joke) I’d still have come.
