No Safe Haven: A gripping, twisty tale of loyalty and survival, page 6
‘Doesn’t mean I’m not a bloody idiot when I’m not at work.’
‘Stop talking to me like I’m a little kid!’ he exploded. ‘I thought they were going to kill me! Then they started going on about money, and I realised it was you. It was – it was your fault!’ he said, his voice breaking.
‘If I could go back I would do everything differently, Dom,’ I said, my voice high and desperate. ‘I will never, ever forgive myself for this happening to you. Never.’
‘So tell me why!’ he said. ‘Why is our life like this? What did you do with all the money?’
‘I just… I just bought stuff–’ I said, struggling to think of an answer.
‘What stuff? We have no stuff!’
‘I–’
‘Are you gambling, or something? Did you give it to somebody? Were you scammed? Tell me Mum. Just tell me!’
‘I– I just–’
He got up from the sofa and started striding towards the door. ‘You don’t trust me,’ he said. ‘I’m old enough to take a beating for you but not old enough to know why. This is… this is bullshit Mum!’
I reached out to him, trying to seize on some explanation, some new lie. But I couldn’t do it. I was too tired to keep on taking the blame. I couldn’t be the wall between him and Liam any more.
He shook his head. ‘Fine,’ he said, ‘if that’s how it is.’
‘It was your dad,’ I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
‘Dad?’ He turned, eyes full of questions. He clearly had no idea.
‘He stole all our money. All my savings. He maxed out the credit card. And then he left.’
‘But…’ he frowned as he tried desperately to understand. ‘He bought me a Playstation–’
‘He would have got it off some dodgy mate. I don’t believe for a second he bought it in a shop.’
He stared at me in silence, until finally he said, ‘I don’t understand.’
‘Neither do I. But I think he must have been in trouble. He must have been desperate–’
‘He wouldn’t do this to us. We’re his family.’
‘I’m sorry, Dominic, but he did. You wanted me to tell you the truth, and this is the truth. I wish it wasn’t. I’m still trying to understand myself, I still wonder what could possibly have driven him to it, but the truth is we’ll probably never know why.’
‘I don’t believe you!’ he said, but his eyes were shiny. What I’d said had struck home.
He turned again, and though I tried to call him back as he walked away, he disappeared into his room and slammed the door behind him.
Cattleford
12
‘Dominic must have found that hard,’ Harriet said.
Sat up on the bed, resting my back against the wall, I listened to rain pattering against the window; a soothing, rhythmic sound. No matter how painful the memories were it was cathartic to let it out. For somebody to hear and to make me feel for once like I wasn’t losing my mind.
The door gently creaked open and Jessica came inside, wrapped in a bright pink dressing gown with her hair tied in a pony-tail. ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘I didn’t want to barge in in the middle of all that.’
She shut the door behind her, before sitting down on the sheepskin rug beside my bed and nestling her head against Harriet’s legs. How much had she heard? She can’t have been there when Harriet realised I was pregnant, or I’m sure she would have said something. I found myself in no rush to tell her about that bit, and apparently neither was Harriet.
‘Dom couldn’t accept it when I first said it was his dad,’ I continued, casting my mind back to the aftermath of the conversation. ‘It was too much to take in. But by the next evening he’d had a chance to think it through, and he knew I was telling the truth. He was crushed.’
I crossed my legs, and pulled the floral curtain aside to look at the rain, but I couldn’t see anything beyond the glass. I wasn’t used to living somewhere so dark. We were at the end of the row of houses on Tricklebank Lane with only the stream and trees beyond, so there was nothing to illuminate the darkness. I let the curtain fall.
‘Come on,’ Harriet said to Jessica, ‘let’s give Poppy some space.’
…
‘I can’t believe it!’ Jessica said, bursting into my room the next morning. ‘You’re a dark horse Poppy!’
‘Harriet told you, then? About the baby?’
‘She did. And she told me she said you can stay. Harriet would never turn you out now. She loves babies.’
I laughed. ‘So it’s just about the baby is it? Not me?’
‘She never wanted you to go, she just felt she had to for Reef.’
‘Reef is still here, last time I checked.’
Jessica watched me curiously as I finished brushing my hair in front of the ornately framed mirror hanging on the wall, clashing rather gloriously with the pink-and-white striped wallpaper behind it.
‘Does Dominic know you’re pregnant?’ she asked me.
‘No,’ I said. I wanted to elaborate, but I couldn’t. They didn’t know it all, not yet.
She jumped when Reef called, ‘Mummy, I can’t find my pants!’ at the top of his little reedy voice.
‘You’ve got all of this to look forward to again,’ she said, beaming at me, before rushing from the room. I put my hairbrush down with a sigh as memories flashed through my mind of walking near the estuary with Dominic when he was little. Watching him run, sitting with him on a rock when he demanded snacks and we talked about the shapes the clouds made. But Dominic was an adult now. How could I possibly have found myself right back at the start, teetering on the brink of watching another child grow from a baby to an adult?
…
‘A boy!’ Jessica squealed, clapping her hands together in excitement. ‘Oh, Harriet would have loved to see this!’
Harriet had been desperate to come to my scan, but it had clashed with other plans she had made and Jessica talked her out of rearranging. I was glad I had one of the sisters with me. You’ve been through it all before, I reminded myself, but that was half the problem. Yes, I loved Dominic more than life itself, but it had been hard doing it all on my own. What would I do longer term when I had this baby? How would I live? I couldn’t rely on Harriet and Jessica’s charity for the next eighteen years.
‘We could go shopping,’ Jessica suggested as we left the hospital. ‘Buy a few baby bits. I would give you Reef’s old clothes, but I sold nearly all of them, I just kept one little outfit so I can remind myself how small he used to be. ‘
I was about to say no, but I reconsidered. I had a little bit of cash. I could get some basics, nothing fancy. It would be nicer to do it with Jess than on my own. She drove us to the shops, and with her enthusiastic encouragement I ended up stocking up on half my own body weight of tiny clothes, muslins, bibs and blankets, and then we retreated to a coffee shop.
‘I remember Harriet taking me shopping when I was pregnant with Reef,’ Jessica said, as I rearranged the shopping bags piled beside our table to let a couple of mums with pushchairs pass by. ‘I had no idea what I even needed.’
I settled back on my slouchy armchair and watched people bustling by outside the window while I enjoyed this moment of respite. My feet were aching and I was glad to get out of the busy shopping centre and sit down. ‘It’s great she’s so hands-on,’ I said carefully. I had witnessed other little clashes they’d had over small details of Reef’s upbringing; Jessica’s laissez faire approach at odds with Harriet’s tendency to control and organise. ‘Was she hoping to start a family with Ben?’ I asked.
Jessica put her cup down a little too hard on its saucer.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. I know she doesn’t like talking about Ben and the divorce.’
She was silent for a moment. ‘She desperately wanted to have children,’ she said at length, ‘but it didn’t happen naturally, and then their marriage fell apart.’
‘That’s such a shame.’
‘I’ve tried to get her dating again,’ Jessica continued, ‘I said she doesn’t have to be alone forever just because of him, but she doesn’t want to date. I don’t think she wants another man. Just a baby.’
She stopped and put her hand up to her mouth as if she’d said something wrong.
‘So… does Reef’s dad not know about Reef at all?’ I asked, unsure what to make of her behaviour.
‘He wasn’t interested in Reef at all.’
‘I thought you met him on a weekend away and couldn’t contact him again?’
Jessica took a quick sip of her hazelnut latte. ‘Yes, well. Exactly.’
I frowned. None of this was making sense, but then that was par for the course with Jessica. If I wanted a straight answer, Harriet was the sister to go to.
‘Will you tell Dominic he’s going to have a little brother now?’ she asked me.
‘No, not yet. It’s not something I want to spring on him in a phone conversation. I should tell him in person.’ I leaned forward a little, I had to seize the moment. ‘Jess, what you said to me once about having done something bad, was it to do with Reef’s d–’
She looked at her watch. ‘We need to go and pick Reef up!’ she said, ‘I didn’t realise how long we’d been.’
She leapt to her feet, and I followed her out of the cafe, glancing at the time myself. It wasn’t that late. Jessica just wanted the questions to end.
13
‘It’s incredible, isn’t it?’ Harriet said as she handed back my scan photo, a little reluctantly. ‘To have a tiny life growing inside you.’
‘He’s certainly using up space that used to be bladder,’ I said.
‘I think Poppy feels daunted by doing it again,’ Jessica said offhandedly, as she stood in the corner of the kitchen unloading the washing machine, before opening out the airer ready to hang out Reef’s school uniform and little clothes to dry.
‘Sorry,’ Harriet said to me quietly, ‘Jess does come out with things bluntly sometimes–’
‘Jess thinks it’s much quicker and easier if everyone just says what they feel,’ Jessica said. ‘You know what I was like after Reef was born. Pretending I was okay wouldn’t have achieved anything, would it? I had post natal depression and I needed support. If Poppy is worried she can say so, we’re hardly going to judge her.’
‘I’m all right, honestly,’ I said. ‘Maybe a little daunted, that’s all.’
‘Well, Poppy has our support,’ Harriet said to Jessica, seemingly unaware that I had spoken. ‘If she needs it.’
Jessica paused, a little white polo shirt hanging limply from her fingers as she frowned. ‘It’s Poppy’s baby though, at the end of the day,’ she said, somewhat cryptically.
Freezing January soon turned to a mercifully mild February, signs of life beginning to emerge in the village and in the sister’s cottage garden. I could clearly feel the baby moving inside me now, and it was a relief not having to hide my bump while in the house with the sisters, though whenever I spoke to Dominic on the phone I found myself clutching my stomach protectively as though he could see me. Not that Dominic posed any threat to the baby, of course. If anything it was the knowledge of the baby that could cause a threat to him. He worried about me though, and tried harder to get me to tell him where I was.
‘I’m okay,’ I reassured him when he called me one sunny, but blustery, morning. ‘Honestly, I am. I’m still with friends, and they are being incredibly kind. I’m safe here–’
‘Are you eating?’
‘Yes, I’m eating.’
‘And these friends, you’re sure you can trust them?’
I sighed, and as if on cue, Harriet knocked on my bedroom door and came in holding a glass of alarmingly green liquid. She set it down on top of the chest of drawers with the words, ‘It’s full of vitamins,’ before scurrying away again.
‘Mum?’ Dominic insisted.
‘Yes. Yes, I can trust them. What about you? Are you having fun?’
I tried my best to listen, but my eyes kept slipping back to the glass. It was little things. Suggestions here, advice there, glasses of oddly coloured juice, an exercise ball, soft toys and little baby outfits that Harriet claimed she had seen in a sale and didn’t want me to miss out on. I picked up my special pregnancy pillow – another gift from Harriet – and cuddled it on my lap. She’s just being friendly. Harri was excited, that was all. It was clear how much she loved Reef, even if she disagreed with Jessica’s parenting methods, and the thought of a newborn in the house just made her happy.
‘Mum,’ Dominic said, his voice turning serious again, ‘can you please just call Max? He’s so worried about you.’
‘He’s still bothering you?’
‘It’s not bother. We’re both worried. Mum, he thinks you’re not okay and that’s why you won’t say where you are. He says you’ve probably got no money and that you’ll have stopped eating again–’
‘Then you can tell him he’s wrong! I’m not a child; I don’t need you two checking up on me.’
‘Tell him yourself!’ Dom insisted. ‘Stop making me your go-between.’
I closed my eyes for a second, ashamed. ‘Dominic…’
‘You’re not being fair on either of us. And Max knows you’ve changed your number and keeps asking me to tell him your new one. I don’t know what to say to him. How can I explain why you won’t speak to him when I don’t even know myself?’
‘I understand,’ I said heavily. ‘The position I’ve put you in isn’t right and I’m sorry. But please just trust me a little longer. I have my reasons, and I will tell you everything when it’s the right time. And look, you don’t have to listen to everything Max says.’
‘After what he did to help me? If it wasn’t for him–’
‘Yes, I know,’ I said quickly, before he went into any more detail and upset himself.
‘At least you could hear him out,’ Dom said, ‘tell him he doesn’t need to worry.’
The baby kicked, and I stroked my bump. I was desperate to tell Dominic the truth, but I had two babies now – never mind that one was eighteen and one was yet to be born, they both needed me to do the right thing. And telling Dom the truth about why I was behaving the way I was would scare him half to death. I’d been the wall between him and Liam once before, protecting him from the truth. Now I’d do the same again. He couldn’t know what kind of a man Max truly was, not yet. Not until I had a proper plan.
As I said goodbye to Dom, I picked up the juice Harriet had brought me and eyed it uncomfortably. I sipped it, and concluding it was not something I would want to savour, I pinched my nose and downed as much as I could in one go.
My phone vibrated, and I picked it up and read Dominic’s message. I wish you’d tell me what is going on.
I put my phone down on the bed beside me. It wasn’t like I had all the time in the world, the baby was coming in a matter of months. My past was going to catch up with me, and I needed to get ahead of it. But it was too big for me to figure out alone. I would have to tell the sisters about Max. And sooner rather than later.
Habmouth
14
‘Are things okay at home, Poppy?’ Max asked me.
I turned to look at him, surprised at the sudden serious turn in the conversation. I fussed around with my watch, hanging loosely from my wrist. What did he mean by asking me something like that? Though I’d grown used to Max stopping by my desk more often than was necessary – especially when my co-worker wasn’t around – the conversation was usually light and trivial. Occasionally he managed to make me laugh, though God knows I had little enough to laugh about. But despite us enjoying each others’ company, he was my boss and I suppose he thought my welfare was his responsibility. He sat on the edge of my desk when I didn’t answer straight away, and I looked down into my lap. I didn’t want to answer his question and for my facade to crumble. Work was where I could be normal. I wanted it to stay that way.
‘How’s Dominic?’ he continued when I didn’t reply.
‘He’s good.’ I forced myself to look at him. His hazel eyes were warm, and although I found his combed back hairstyle – flecked as it was with white – a little bit silly, like he was trying to be Dominic’s age, it made me smile to look at him. At least it usually did. Today I was intimidated by his immaculate suit – matching, no doubt, an immaculate life. He was neat and ordered, while my life was bleak and chaotic. I didn’t want him to know how badly I’d messed up. I didn’t want anyone to know. ‘Max, I’ve got a lot to get through this morning.’
‘Has Dominic started thinking about universities yet?’ he said, as though he hadn’t heard me. ‘It must be almost time for that.’
‘Yes, he’s applied already.’
‘What does he want to study?’
‘Botany.’
‘Ah, yes, you told me he likes plants – he bought you all of these on your desk didn’t he?’
I glanced up at the row of green lining the back of my desk; a Chinese money plant, a snake plant, and several others whose names I’d forgotten. Dominic would know what they were all called, even their Latin names. The plants always made me smile, or at least they used to. Now thoughts of Dominic made guilt bloom in my stomach – my one job was to keep my son safe and I’d invited Kevin into our lives and got my son beaten and terrified in the process. I mentally shook myself and tried to focus on what Max was talking about. ‘He didn’t buy most of them,’ I said, ‘they’re houseplants he took cuttings from or divided to make new plants, and I said I’d have them here. He’s so clever with things like that.’
There was a pause as Max seemed briefly unsure what to say. ‘Look, Poppy, I know you’re busy and I’m sorry if I upset you, asking if you’re okay. You don’t have to talk to me, but if you do want to my door is always open.’
‘I’m fine,’ I said, my voice brittle.
He smiled as though something had just occurred to him. ‘Have you taken Dominic to the botanical gardens, if he’s into plants? They’re not far away.’
‘Not recently,’ I said. An uncomfortable feeling of loss and longing crept over me as I recalled a younger Dominic racing around the glasshouses with delight, stopping from time to time to stare at some exotic specimen or another. It wasn’t somewhere we’d been able to afford to visit often, but I’d tried to take him once or twice a year when he was a child. Now it would be impossible.
