My heart ached at his sincerity and his anger, and how he wanted to protect me. ‘It wasn’t a bailiff.’

  ‘Who, then?’

  ‘Just somebody who offered to help me out. I said I’d pay him back but I haven’t, not all of it anyway, and he just wants his money, understandably.’

  ‘Mum,’ Dominic said, his face white, ‘tell me you haven’t.’

  Cattleford

  9

  ‘A loan shark,’ Harriet said, as she sat back down after putting another log in the log burner. ‘What were you thinking?’

  Jessica squeezed my hand and glared at Harriet. ‘It’s not her fault.’

  ‘No, but… surely you knew how risky it was? There must have been something else you could have done.’

  ‘The thing is,’ I said, but I faltered. How would I get them to understand? ‘I was in such a state when Liam left,’ I explained. ‘He’d conned me. He bought his way in with a few gifts and cheap words, and took everything I had. But also–’

  ‘You loved him,’ Jessica said.

  ‘I couldn’t think straight. I did get help from his parents to pay the first couple of month’s rent, plus a bit extra for food. I didn’t tell them what Liam had done, I just came out with some story about being between jobs and they didn’t ask too many questions. But I couldn’t keep going back to them, and Liam had left me in so much debt. I thought I could sort it out myself if I was careful. I got another credit card and cut back on spending as much as I could, thinking I’d be able to pay off the credit cards eventually and get myself sorted again. But bills kept on coming.’ I clenched and unclenched my hands in my lap. ‘It spiralled so quickly. I kept telling myself I could get on top of things, I started getting payday loans, but I was just getting loans to pay off loans. Soon no one would even lend to me any more. I was barely sleeping, and my brain didn’t work properly. I couldn’t concentrate or make decisions. I had splitting headaches every day and I felt ill all the time. I was so thin and stressed that my periods stopped, and I remember being pleased because I didn’t have to spend money on pads.’ I covered my face with my hands and then let them fall into my lap. ‘I was ashamed. I was just so ashamed,’ I breathed. ‘And frightened. One day I broke down to one of our neighbours, and she said she knew somebody who could help me out.’

  Jessica had put her hands up to her mouth, eyes huge. ‘I can hardly listen,’ she said.

  ‘You don’t have to. Me and Harri can talk somewhere else…’

  ‘Don’t even think about it,’ she said. ‘Of course I’ll hear you out. And you’re safe now. We won’t let anyone hurt you here.’

  ‘I know you’re probably thinking I’m completely naive–’

  ‘Of course we’re not!’ Jessica protested.

  ‘I wasn’t rational any more,’ I continued, ‘I was drowning and I’d grab onto anything to save myself, I didn’t think about what could happen in the future, it was just about getting through another day. So I met this man at my flat, and he was so friendly. It felt like he really understood, and that he would make it all go away. I wanted to hear that so badly. He said he needed to take something as security. He wanted my passport but I managed to lie and convince him I didn’t have one. The only valuable thing I owned was some old jewellery my grandma gave me back when I was still living with my parents. I have no idea what it was worth, probably not much. In fact I’d forgotten I had it until he asked about jewellery, otherwise I’d have already sold it months before. I felt sick when I went to get it and handed it over to him.’

  ‘My God, Poppy.’

  I couldn’t speak any more, and both sisters put their arms around me.

  …

  I was glad the next morning to be immersed in normality again. Reef got up early, squealing with excitement at the pile of presents. Wrapping paper flew everywhere and Jessica encouraged him excitedly while Harriet tried to keep track of the gifts that had come from other friends and relatives, muttering about the need for thank you cards and how Jessica never remembered that kind of thing.

  ‘You don’t have a plan, do you?’ Jessica whispered to me when Harriet left the room and Reef played with his gifts. ‘You don’t know what to do after you leave here.’

  ‘Is it that obvious?’

  ‘To me it is. I think Harri knows too.’

  I nodded. I could hardly deny it.

  Jessica gave my arm a squeeze. ‘I don’t mind what you did since Liam left you, or why you’re here,’ Jessica said. ‘I like you. Reef likes you. It’s good for the shop now you can help out. As far as I’m concerned you can stay as long as you want.’

  ‘Does Harriet mind why I’m here?’ I’d heard the sister’s voices after I’d gone to bed the night before, no doubt discussing what I’d told them.

  ‘I feel like my ears are burning,’ a voice in the doorway said. Harriet stood there watching us, her dark eyes troubled, though a bright smile lit up her face when Reef ran over to her, chattering excitedly about his presents.

  ‘We were just talking about what I told you last night.’

  Harriet nodded, and caught Jessica’s eye. ‘Reef’s not even in his uniform yet,’ she said.

  ‘Oh, he can go in late to school,’ Jessica said airily.

  ‘No, he can’t. The new term has only just started; he needs to be there so he doesn’t get behind.’

  ‘It’s his birthday,’ Jessica said, her voice firm. ‘I’ll take him in an hour.’

  Harriet didn’t reply to this, though her expression was stony.

  ‘She does like to get involved,’ Jessica said to me when Harriet left to go and have a shower, an edge to her voice. ‘He’s my son.’

  Immediately the words were out of her mouth, her face changed. ‘Sorry, Poppy. I shouldn’t have said that. She does so much to help me, and when Reef was tiny I couldn’t have coped without her.’

  She busied herself tidying the breakfast table, and I crouched down to gather up some of the discarded wrapping paper that littered the floor. The sisters’ relationship was really none of my business. More concerning was that Jessica hadn’t had a chance to tell me what Harriet thought of our conversation the night before. I had a feeling her thoughts about it were different to Jessica’s.

  Bits and Bobbins was surprisingly busy that morning, and Harriet and I were practically rushed off our feet until noon. Finally the shop quietened down, and Harriet occupied herself tidying a big basket of wool that had endured quite a rummaging that morning.

  ‘It can’t have been easy for you,’ she said, ‘to tell us everything last night.’

  ‘It wasn’t, but you have a right to know who you’ve got staying in your house.’ These words turned to ashes in my mouth. Harriet might believe I’d told them everything, but they didn’t know the half of it.

  Harriet finished arranging the basket and faced me squarely. In her black trousers and bright red shirt, she looked formidable this morning. Since I’d arrived I’d only seen her in head-to-toe black, and the splash of colour today made a striking contrast. Maybe she wanted to look more colourful for Reef’s birthday – she was going to help out at his party in the afternoon while I manned the shop alone.

  Harriet sighed and then began to speak. ‘Poppy, look, I was going to wait until later to say this, but it’s probably better I tell you now.’

  It was clear what was coming. ‘I’ll pack my stuff up,’ I said, ‘I’ll leave once Reef has gone to bed.’

  10

  ‘You don’t have to go tonight,’ Harriet said quickly. ‘You can have a few more days, to give you a chance to make plans. The thing is, what you told us took me by surprise. If it was just me and Jess it would be different, but we have a young child in the house. If some criminal is going to come looking for you…’ she paused. ‘Is he looking for you?’

  I couldn’t meet her eye. Kevin wasn’t looking for me. But the man who was looking for me was hardly any better.

  ‘Why don’t you take the afternoon off until I have to leave for Reef’s party? You can call around some letting agents, see if they have anything.’

  ‘Letting agents will credit check me.’

  ‘Oh, I see,’ she said, turning to fiddle with the wool basket again. ‘There must be something–’

  ‘It’s not your problem,’ I said.

  ‘I feel awful turning you out,’ she said, ‘I really don’t want to. If there was any other way… it’s just with Reef, we have to be careful.’

  ‘There’s no need to apologise. In your shoes I would do exactly the same. You can’t put Reef at any risk and I wouldn’t expect you to.’

  …

  Once Reef’s friends had gone home with party bags clutched in sticky fingers I helped the sisters tidy up and then I went upstairs early to try to get some sleep. There was a soft knock on the door, and once I’d quickly pulled on the baggy t-shirt I wore in bed, I opened it to find Jessica. She gave me a smile. ‘Thank you so much for looking after the shop for Harriet,’ she said.

  ‘It’s no problem.’

  She hovered in the doorway twirling her hair around her fingers as if she wanted to say more and couldn’t decide if she should.

  ‘Harriet has told me that I need to leave,’ I said.

  ‘Yes, I know. I told her I disagree.’

  ‘She’s right though, Jess. I’m not angry with her. I’m grateful you let me stay here for even one night.’

  Jessica came in and sat on my bed, so I sat down beside her. Her eyes were more grey than their usual blue; troubled and hard to read.

  ‘I can’t imagine having to run away from here,’ Jessica said. ‘You had to run away from your home, and you chose us to help you. I feel like we’re letting you down.’

  ‘You’re not letting me down. This is my mess, not yours.’

  Jessica sighed. ‘I did something really bad once,’ she said, ‘and hurt people that I care about. So I know what it’s like to regret things you’ve done. But the situation you ended up in wasn’t even your fault. It was Liam’s. And I got a second chance, so I think you should too.’

  ‘Jess,’ Harriet’s voice in the hall was sharp, ‘I’m sure Poppy just wants to get some sleep.’

  Jessica jumped like a small child who had been caught out of bed at night. ‘Yes, okay,’ she snapped at Harriet.

  I frowned as Jessica left. What had she been talking about? Perhaps it was something to do with Reef’s dad – after all, she’d never said much about him. Nothing that made any sense, anyway. But who was I to judge? She said that what had happened was Liam’s fault, but I couldn’t blame Liam for all the mess I got myself into. Jessica’s secrets couldn’t be any worse than mine.

  The days until my deadline to leave passed alarmingly quickly. I tried to find a room somewhere nearby with a landlord who wouldn’t ask too many questions, but without luck. Jessica suggested I move in with Dominic in his university halls, and though initially the idea seemed utterly ludicrous – not to mention almost certainly not allowed – I began to wonder whether it might work, temporarily at least. But going to Dominic wasn’t a solution. I would be found there.

  Finally, the day arrived that I had to go and I went up to my bedroom to pack. I’d heard there might be a room available to rent in a shared house in the next town, and if I could persuade Harriet to pay me for a few hours here and there in the shop while I found something more permanent I would hopefully be able to make ends meet. But just as I was reaching up to get my bag down from the top of the wardrobe, Harriet burst in. ‘I gathered up things I could find downst–’ she started, and then stopped abruptly. I quickly dropped my arms and tried to pull the front of my jumper back down, but it was too late. Harriet’s eyes snapped away from my stomach to my face. ‘Why didn’t you tell us?’

  I smoothed my baggy jumper over my bump. ‘It makes no difference,’ I said.

  Harriet stared at me as if I’d grown a second head as well as a bump. ‘It makes all the difference,’ she breathed. ‘Have you even found somewhere to go?’

  ‘I think I can get a room in a shared house.’

  ‘Poppy, wait a second,’ she said, patting the bed as she sat down herself. I plonked down beside her.

  ‘I’m not going to let you go and stay with a bunch of strangers.’

  ‘I can handle it.’

  ‘Then why are you shaking?’

  I clutched my hands together in annoyance that they had given me away. ‘You said yourself, Reef has to be safe.’

  ‘But what about your baby?’ she said, and then her voice turned officious. ‘You can’t leave like this. You’re in no fit state to go anywhere on your own.’

  ‘I’m all right, Harri. I can sort things out. I’ll be settled before the baby–’ my voice cracked, and she put her hand over mine. ‘I looked after Jessica when she was pregnant, and when Reef was a newborn. She really struggled with the whole thing – not that I’m saying you will – but she was on her own and she wasn’t sure where she was going with her life. I carried the burden for her, and I can do it for you, too.’

  Jessica’s words from the night of Reef’s party popped into my head. I did something bad once.

  ‘No wonder you’ve been so exhausted,’ she said. ‘How many months are you?’

  ‘About four and a half, I think.’

  To my surprise, she reached out and touched my hair. ‘Let me help you,’ she said. ‘Stay here with us. You don’t need to worry about a thing. Just get some sleep, and focus on looking after yourself.’

  After a few minutes I lay down gratefully on the bed while she stayed sitting beside me. ‘Whose is the baby?’ she asked me softly. ‘It’s not the man you borrowed from, is it? He didn’t–’

  ‘No,’ I said, my voice almost a whisper. I was giddy with relief. I didn’t have to leave!

  ‘What happened then, Poppy? What did he do when you couldn’t pay the money back? Or did you find a way?’

  I let out a long breath. I owed her the truth – a little more of it at least.

  Habmouth

  11

  I screamed at the sight of the photo, legs buckling, and although I clapped my hand tight across my mouth sounds kept escaping from me. Quickly, I forced myself to regain control, but looking again at the photo brought on a fresh wave of horror and panic and my hands shook so violently that the photo of Dominic blurred before my eyes.

  Pay up.

  Those were the words below the photo of Dominic lying on the ground, unconscious, bloodied and bruised. I had to call an ambulance, and the police, but where was he? He’d said he was going out to his friend James’s house and it was late now, so he must have been walking back home. Bile rose in my throat and I ran to the kitchen sink, retching uselessly until a thin trickle came up from my empty stomach. ‘Think!’ I said out loud to myself. ‘Think, think, think!’ I punctuated every word by hitting my palm against my forehead, anger and fear surging through me. How had I let things go so far? Dominic needed help, but if I involved the police, Kevin, or his cronies would come after me. If I called an ambulance, the police would likely get involved. But that wasn’t important right now. All that mattered was making sure Dominic was okay.

  I ran back to the living room and scooped my phone up from the sofa just as it began to ring. Dominic! His voice was thick and confused, ‘Mum?’ he said.

  ‘Dominic! Where are you? Please tell me where you are.’

  ‘Car… car park.’

  ‘Are you okay?’ I asked stupidly, ‘Dom–’

  ‘No police,’ he croaked out. ‘They said–’

  ‘Yes, I understand,’ I said, my voice frantic. ‘I’m coming to get you. Tell me where you are! Were you walking back from James’s? Did you go down Holbrook Road? Or Yew Hill? Are you near the dry cleaners?’

  ‘Betting shops,’ Dominic said, ‘I can see–’

  It fell into place. I knew where he was. A car park, half abandoned, off of a street not more than five minutes walk away. I ran down the hall, stumbling as I shoved my feet into my trainers, before tearing out of the front door. ‘I’m coming,’ I told him. ‘I’m coming Dom, and you’re going to be okay. Don’t be frightened. I’ll be there soon.’

  …

  To my immense relief, Dominic’s injuries looked worse than they really were. In fact, he was sitting up by the time I got to him, though his face was pale and his brown eyes glassy with shock. I threw my arms around him, then let go when he winced. ‘I’m still calling an ambulance,’ I told him firmly, but he grabbed my hand as I reached for my phone. ‘No,’ he said. ‘Don’t call anyone.’

  His eyes were so full of fear that I stopped, and he got to his feet unsteadily. ‘See,’ he said, ‘I can stand up. I’m fine.’

  ‘You are not fine.’

  ‘You can’t call anyone.’

  He was so adamant that I relented, and he let me put my arm around him to help him as he took a few unsteady steps, but soon he was able to walk on his own. Arriving back at the flat he sat listlessly on the sofa while I cleaned the cuts on his face. I fetched a pack of biscuits I had stashed away and made him eat three, though the colour still didn’t return to his face.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ I told him, my voice choked with emotion. ‘I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.’

  I waited for him to say something. Anything.

  ‘What happened?’ I asked him.

  ‘I was walking home and two of them dragged me off the path and into the car park. They said you had to pay them.’

  I tried to take his hand, but he pulled it away. ‘Why do we owe so much money?’ he asked. ‘You have a good job! We barely own anything, we don’t go anywhere, you don’t even eat! What did you spend all the money on?’

  ‘I just made some stupid decisions, that’s all. You know me,’ I said, trying not to upset him further. ‘I’m not clever like you.’

  ‘Your job is sorting out money!’ he said.

 

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