GETTING OVER YOU: a novel by:, page 29
Meadow rolled her eyes and cocked her hip out.
She made me laugh.
But as grown up as she was, she turned into an eight-year-old again when she saw Corey. She screamed for her daddy in a happy voice and charged at him.
I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye as I faced Kait.
“You good?” I asked.
“No,” she said.
I touched her shoulders. “It’s okay. Everyone is okay.”
“I almost let her die.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did. I walked away.”
“You searched everywhere you could,” I said. “Kait… please…”
“I didn’t know what else to do. It all happened so fast. I had taken a quick shower and was in my room. Next thing I knew, I was running through the house in a panic. The heavier I breathed, the more smoke I inhaled. I thought maybe Meadow ran downstairs and went outside. That was part of the plan we had.”
“You did everything you could,” I said.
“No,” Kait said. “I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw Crosby. He was so brave. Just running into the fire.”
I nodded. “I know. He did amazing.”
“Corey told me what happened with him,” Kait said.
“What?”
“He didn’t want me to pounce on you about thanking Crosby. His words, not mine.”
I swallowed hard. “Kait…”
“I don’t know what you two are going through together, but when you are together, it works. It’s magical. It has purpose. You two have saved each other. And he saved my daughter… and you, Josie, you do so much for her too…”
I hugged Kait as she cried.
“Please don’t lose him,” she whispered. “Don’t let him slip away. You two need each other.”
I let Kait speak her mind.
When she broke away from me, she went to be with her family.
I stood there alone.
Corey’s words in my head. Kait’s words in my head. Meadow’s words in my head.
And it all told me the same thing.
I loved Crosby.
Crosby was my family.
I needed to save him the way he saved Meadow.
39
Going There…
THEN
Crosby
“I’m not reading this again,” I said to Cindi.
She was tucked into her bed the way she liked it. She had her favorite stupid stuffed animals surrounding her. And I read her favorite book two times in a row. The third time was the final time. I warned her that if she came out of her room I was going to throw her stuffed animals out.
Would I really do that to her?
No.
But if the threat worked, then good.
I just needed a night to myself.
Steal a can of beer, get my guitar, and go out on the back balcony.
I wanted to watch the neighbor girl paint.
And tonight, I was going to do something different. Something crazy.
I was going to ask her her name.
Actually talk to her.
And if that went well, then I was going to ask her to sneak outside and actually meet me. Face to face. So I could really look at her. So I could hear her voice. Maybe even ask her to bring one of her paintings. I watched her paint so many times but never once actually saw one of them.
It drove me mad.
Not to mention I never saw her out of her apartment. I never saw her at school. I even snuck by the super smart classrooms and looked for her.
This girl was a ghost, yet she was real.
I finished the story for Cindi and dropped the book to the floor.
“Can I have a goodnight kiss?” she asked.
“Sure,” I said.
I leaned down and kissed her forehead.
Little sisters were a pain in the ass. But I had to make up for all the crap our mother did to us. It was hard to think about sometimes, so I ignored it the best I could.
“Sis, please get some sleep,” I whispered. “I just need a night to myself. You’re safe. You’re here. Just sleep.”
“Okay,” Cindi said.
I left the room and shut the door slowly.
Then I went on the move.
As fast as I could, racing through the apartment to get my guitar. Sliding on the dirty linoleum floor of the kitchen to get a can of beer.
By the time I got outside, I was out of breath.
But I was outside.
I looked across to the other apartment and the girl wasn’t there yet.
I sat down and got comfortable.
I had been practicing my guitar a lot. Moving between chords was getting easier. My fingers didn’t hurt as much either. I was getting better at it.
This was my chance to really show off.
And if I could just meet this girl, then maybe we could become friends. Whatever her story was, we could be friends. And I could play guitar for her anytime she wanted. And if she was a real painter, then I could play guitar and make money and buy one of her paintings.
All those thoughts raced through my head and made my stomach feel weird.
I sat there for a little while, strumming chords. My eyes casually looking to the window, waiting to see the light turn on.
Come on, mystery girl…
I waited an hour and she never showed.
When I finally got up out of the chair, I stood at the railing and stared.
“Cros?”
I shut my eyes and swallowed hard.
I turned and saw Cindi standing there. “Hey, sis…”
“Please don’t throw my stuffed animals out.”
“Ah, shit,” I whispered. I walked to Cindi and scooped her up into my arms. She put her head on my shoulder. “I’m not going to throw your stuffed animals out.”
I walked her back to her bedroom and tucked her in again.
I read the damn book again too.
Then I wandered through the apartment. I kept checking to see if the mystery girl had shown up.
She never did.
In fact, I never saw her again…
40
Going Away…
NOW
Crosby
I lifted the bag of clothes out of the trash and carried it to the back door.
“I have to get this outside,” I said to Cindi. “It smells terrible.”
“Cans are right out back,” she said. “Same place as always.”
“Mind if I have a smoke while I’m out there?”
“You’re a grown man,” Cindi said.
“Yeah. But I figured I would just ask,” I said.
“Bad enough you just show up… and then spend the night…”
“Is that wrong?”
Cindi hesitated. “No.”
“Look, I’ll just take this out and leave then. I don’t want anything bad to happen here.”
“Bad?”
“Noah hates me,” I said. “Always will. You and I have been playing phone tag for… a long time. On purpose. You needed your distance from me. Which I get. I don’t blame you for that, sis. And then I needed my own distance. Everything about this house…”
“I know,” Cindi said. “It screams him. I can’t let it go though. Noah always wanted to sell. He still does. I just can’t. This house is everything to me.”
I opened the back door and went outside.
I threw out the smoky running clothes, which only did so much for me. My skin still smelled like the fire. My hair too. I slept in the basement on a couch after I warned Cindi the smell would be there for a while.
She didn’t care.
We drank whiskey and told stories.
For the first time in years, she felt like my sister again.
Until the morning came.
I stood there and lit up a cigarette.
All I could think about was Josie. I told Cindi everything about her. That she was the mystery girl next door all those years ago. That I met her again and I fell in love with her. That she was beautiful, and her heart was twisted in a way that I understood. And what I had said to her last night was wrong yet true. And that was just something that stuck inside me. Loving Josie was easy to do. But if the truth hurt her… and it hurt me… was the love worth it then?
Cindi stepped outside and hugged herself. “Coffee is on.”
“Thanks,” I said. “But I’m not staying. I need to get back home.”
“You don’t have to run. Or stay away.”
“I don’t know what my place is here, Cindi,” I said. “All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. From the time you were a kid until now. I never knew if you were ever happy with Noah, but I didn’t want to be the overbearing brother that messed things up.” I laughed. “And that’s what I became, in a different way.”
Cindi looked down. “There was so much that happened. All at once. And nobody knew where to put their emotions. That’s the truth, Cros. Everyone wanted someone to blame just to take the pain away for a second.”
“That’s usually how it goes,” I said.
“But we’re family. We’re all we have.”
“And I can’t let anything else bad happen to you, sis,” I said. “If me staying away keeps that bad from happening, then I’m going to do it.”
“I don’t want you to stay away,” she said. “I need you to know that. What I said before… what I did…”
“I deserved it,” I said. I looked at her. “It haunted me. It always will. You know I wasn’t trying to get fit. I was trying to hurt myself. I timed everything out. I thought I could fix it. But I can’t. I can’t fix a thing.”
“You saved a little girl last night, Cros,” Cindi said.
“That wasn’t the person I was supposed to save.”
Cindi swallowed hard. “Yeah, but you know what? Just to know that those parents will never understand the pain and loss I feel… it sort of makes things okay. And you did that. You kept that pain from them.”
“I was supposed to keep pain from you.”
“And you did. You always did.”
“Except when it counted the most.”
I smoked, and Cindi gently touched my hand. “We can figure this out, Cros. I can’t lose you for good. Why did you come here last night?”
“Because I lost everything,” I said. “I saved Meadow and I lost Josie. I realized I lost Nicholas too. I will never get to go back in time and save him. So, I wanted to come to you. And show you that I actually am broken. That it sticks with me as much as it sticks with you. That I feel pain. That I feel regret. That I… hate myself.”
“For all of that, I love you,” Cindi said. “You’re my big brother. I know what you were doing. I’m sorry I lost myself and pushed you away. But we can go forward now.”
I finished my smoke and hugged her. “I have to get going. There’s a lot I have to figure out.”
“Don’t screw it up with that girl,” Cindi said. “She makes you happy.”
“How the hell do you know that?”
“Because when you talk about her, your face changes. You light up. It’s weird. I’ve never seen you that way before.”
“Right. Thanks.”
I opened the back door to grab my keys, but Cindi blocked the way. “And don’t ignore my calls. Or texts. Or I’ll come find you and punch you.”
“You do that, and I’ll throw your stuffed animals away.”
“I don’t have any.”
“Liar,” I said.
She laughed. “I’ve missed you, big brother.”
“I’ve missed you, sis. Thanks for the whiskey. For the night. For the talk.”
“Always,” she said.
I walked to the front of the house and opened the door only to be faced with Noah. His aged face covered in scruff, an unlit cigarette dangling from his lips. The same evil glare he always had. Even the first time he held Nicholas, he had that same look on his face. If I wanted to be an asshole and make a joke of it, I’d call it the resting Noah face.
“Don’t worry,” I said to him. “I’m just leaving.”
“Shut the door, Crosby. We need to talk.”
I pulled the door shut and stood there just to humor Noah. In reality, I could have thrown the punch I had been wanting to throw for a long time. Knock him over the railing and just walk away for good.
But Cindi wanted to move forward. Which meant I wanted to moved forward too.
“Talk away,” I said.
“You look like shit.”
“Have you looked in the mirror lately?”
Noah nodded. “Right. I heard everything you two were talking about. And something bad brought you here.”
“Your point?”
“I’m not sure yet,” Noah said. “But let me make something clear. I love my wife. Maybe I’m not the kind of husband women dream about. I’m not perfect in a lot of ways. All I know is how to provide and through that is my love.”
“I want nothing to do with your marriage, Noah. I never did. I respected my sister’s wishes.”
“You did,” he said. “I owe you credit for that. And she worked her ass off to keep this house in place while my back was out. And I know you did the same too. You were this happy bubble of bullshit, Crosby. I never bought in. But it made Cindi happy. And it made Nicholas happy.”
Just his name made my heart jump.
Noah held his unlit cigarette between his fingers and he pointed at me. “I’ll never forgive you, Crosby. I’ll never forget. I’ll never let time force me to let things go. Ever. At the same time, you’re my brother-in-law. If my wife needs you in her life, then you need to be in her life.”
“The question is, Noah, are you going to take another swing at me?” I asked. “Because let me make one thing very clear… you had your fucking time. I was your punching bag and I was okay with it. But if you so much as even look at me the wrong way, I’m going to drop you. There are two things we can agree on. First, we both love Cindi. She needs us. She needs family. And two, we both don’t understand the other’s pain. For the sake of Cindi, I’ll be here. For the memory of Nicholas, I’ll forever feel hurt and guilt.”
“You said you were leaving, right?” Noah said.
That ended our conversation.
I walked down the steps and realized I was sober. It was the first time I came and went from Cindi’s house sober. I used to pull up to the house and smile from ear to ear. No matter what was going on in my life, showing up here and knowing Nicholas would be waiting for me always made me happy. No matter how crazy his stories or questions were, he always made me happy.
Uncle Cros, why don’t stars fall out of the sky?
Uncle Cros, why don’t girls have pee-pees?
Uncle Cros, why do my farts smell like eggs?
Uncle Cros, do worms have feelings?
I sat in my truck for a minute and stared at the house. Noah smoking on the porch. The front yard clean of toys. There would probably never be any toys there ever again. I didn’t quite know or understand the life my sister wanted to live there. But it was her life.
Just like my life was mine.
And I had to get home and think about things.
* * *
I took the longest shower of my life and put on fresh clothes. I craved a cup of coffee and a long run in a really bad way. One of the two seemed more important, so my sights were set on the kitchen.
When I saw Jonny sitting in a chair in the dining room, it didn’t surprise me. He came over whenever he felt like it. He had a key to my house. All things considered with Josie, I should have probably warned Jonny to knock before entering.
Josie.
How’d that work out for you, Cros?
Jonny quickly stood up. “I take off for a couple of days and you’re running into burning houses?”
“How the hell…”
“Doesn’t matter,” Jonny said. “What the hell were you thinking?”
“I was thinking about the family inside the house,” I said. “And I just went for it.”
“You sure about that, Cros?”
“Are you sure about that beard you’re trying to grow? Looks like someone glued pubes on your face.”
Jonny grinned. “I missed you, man.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Eh, not all that much,” he said. “Can we talk?”
“Can we talk?” I asked. “That doesn’t sound so good, Jonny.”
“I’ve been sick to my stomach for hours.”
“Bad tacos?” I asked. “Or too much whiskey? I told you not to try and impress a woman by drinking. That only leads to problems.”
“Cros, listen to me,” Jonny said. “Please.”
“Okay. What’s up?”
“Jackie made me an offer,” he said.
“Okay.”
“He wants me to record. As me.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Jonny said. “I guess my image works somehow. He says I look rough and tough country. Not that I’m going for a look, but… I don’t know, man. The music. Right? I get to record my music. And sing my songs.”
“What’s the plan?”
“Well, when I was out there, he had me play a set. Just three songs. It was amazing, Cros. Amazing. I’ve never been a front man before. And then the next night he made me play another set. There were hundreds of people there. For me.”
“That’s a good thing.”
“What does that mean for us?” Jonny asked. “If I do this, I’m heading out to Nashville and staying there. I’m going to move there, Cros. I’m going to live there. I’m going to record and make this happen.”
I stepped toward him. “Listen, brother. You’ve been in my corner for a long time. But if this is what you want, then go. You have to do this.”
“What about you?” he asked. “Come with me. Let’s do this together.”
“No,” I said. I grabbed Jonny’s shoulder. “This is your time. This is your chance.”
“You sure?”
“Positive.”
“I talked to Jackie and he made it clear nothing changes for you.”
“Thanks for thinking of me,” I said.
