GETTING OVER YOU: a novel by:, page 21
NOW
Josie
I gently peeled my clothes apart and saw the paintings hidden in the back of the closet. The ones I had taken out. The ones Crosby had seen. The ones I put back into the closet where they belonged.
I was in love with Crosby. For everything he was. For everything he wasn’t. For the way he touched me, pushed at me, challenged me, and the way he looked at me and made me feel like things were actually going to be okay. He filled in the gaps of time and pain in a way nobody else could. While I could never say thank you enough to Corey and Kait (and Meadow) for what they had done to help me, Crosby understood everything.
And yet he knew… nothing.
It wasn’t easy to talk about Denny. And it wasn’t easy to admit that I still loved him. I never got my closure. I never said what I needed to say. I never got to step on his heart for a second, walk away, and find my way to get over it.
I backed away from the closet and shut the door.
There was no reason to fear telling Crosby anything.
It was just…
Things were good.
And settled.
I knew everything about him and it made me feel closer to him. I loved watching him write and record songs. I got to meet Jonny, who looked like a big, cuddly teddy bear. He reminded me of an old-school country and western singer. Except he didn’t have a southern accent at all. He was nice as hell, and knew how to push Crosby’s buttons. They were perfect together though when they created music.
I even had a cigarette with Jonny one night and we both came to the conclusion that Crosby should be up on stage singing his own music, making his own career.
Of course, that was Crosby’s big decision to make.
My big decision was to figure out what to pack because Crosby wanted to take me camping. Camping as in put up a tent, build a fire, burn marshmallows, that kind of thing. Just for one night. He wanted to get away for a night and was going with or without me.
It was actually kind of romantic that he invited me. And it was even more romantic to picture us together in a tent. In the woods. Nobody around us. Sort of rugged and… anything could happen.
I was actually looking forward to bringing a notebook with me to work on some sketches. Just for fun. I had been working on the mural for a few days and it was a big project with a lot of oversight. That part I didn’t expect, nor did I really like. But I was going to finish that job for sure. The old stone wall at the park was an eyesore for kids and parents, so having a bright, colored mural would definitely make the park look more appealing.
There was a knock at the door to the guesthouse and that meant it was either Crosby or Corey. I asked Crosby if it was weird to have to walk along the side of the house to get to the guesthouse. Like he literally walked by windows that anyone inside could see him out of. Just to get to me.
Of course, his response was he would walk through hell to get a chance to see me.
He was sweet, gritty, and he meant every word.
I opened the door and Corey stood there.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“What?”
“That face. You can’t hide a thing from me.”
“Someone is at the house for you.”
“The house?”
“Yeah. My front door.”
I cringed.
That was a little weird. Having someone go to Corey’s front door looking for me.
I stepped forward and Corey touched my shoulder. “Hey, uh, I just want to give you a heads up…”
“Okay.”
“Do you want to know who’s at the door?”
“Sure,” I said.
I figured it was someone about the mural. Some town representative or whatever to ask questions or bug me about the project.
It wasn’t that. At all.
“Josie… it’s Denny’s mother looking for you.”
* * *
Paula had dark hair now. It was still very puffy and she smelled the same. Hairspray and cheap perfume. Her eyes were tired and bloodshot. The bags under her eyes drooped with a visible U shape, resting on her cheeks.
It took me a few minutes to catch my breath after Corey let her into the house. He did the talking while I gathered myself. I never expected to see Paula again. Not after I left in a hurry from the funeral and refused to talk to anyone from Denny’s side of the family after his death.
Now she was here.
She was taking a seat at the dining room table while Corey hurried to make a pot of coffee.
I got out the mugs, the cream, the sugar. My hands shaking and heart pounding.
“You okay?” Corey whispered to me. “You said this was okay. If you change your mind, say the word, and she’s gone.”
“I’m good,” I whispered.
“Hey, who’s the lady at the table?”
We both turned, remembering Meadow was still here. Kait was teaching a yoga class.
Corey eyed me, and I nodded.
“An old friend of Aunt Josie’s,” Corey said.
“Dad,” Meadow said. “You can’t call an old person old.”
Corey’s cheeks turned red. “I didn’t mean it like that.” He looked at Paula. “I’m sorry about that. I…”
“It’s okay,” Paula said with her classic smile. “I am old. Trying to hide it now I guess.” She touched her hair.
“You look wonderful,” I managed to say.
“So, you do speak, huh?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Why don’t I take Meadow for a walk around the block?” Corey offered. “Let you two talk.”
“That would be fantastic,” Paula said.
Corey shuffled Meadow out of the kitchen and toward the front door.
When the coffee was done, announcing it with a spit and a sigh, I poured two cups and walked them to the table.
“It’s good to see you,” I said.
“No, it’s not,” she said.
“Okay. It’s unexpected…”
“That’s more like it.”
Paula fixed her coffee and I did the same to mine.
I took a seat and waited for her to say something.
She didn’t.
She sat in silence.
“I’m sorry for everything that happened,” I said. “For what happened. For what I did. If that’s why you’re here…”
“No,” Paula said. “I’m sorry for letting time do this to us. To everyone.”
“How’s Dennis?” I asked.
“He’s Dennis,” she said.
In other words, he’s still a raging alcoholic who will never change? Even after his son was killed because of drinking? Let me guess, Paula, he used Denny’s death to fuel his own issues because it was a good excuse…
I smiled. “He’s Dennis…”
“I didn’t come here to make small talk,” Paula said.
“Right.”
“I can’t imagine what you went through. What you still go through. You’re living with your brother…”
“I live in the guesthouse. I have my own place. I’m doing okay.”
“Are you still painting?”
“Yes.”
“That’s good,” she said. “Painting is so good.”
“What about you?” I asked.
“Me? Painting?”
I laughed. “You know what I mean.”
“I’m doing just fine,” she said. “Still trying to let things work themselves out.”
“Yeah. I understand that feeling.”
Paula cleared her throat. “I didn’t come here for that either. Oh my. Look at me. I guess I just… I miss you, Josie. I really do. You and I had something. I’m sorry about what it was built around though.”
“I miss you too, Paula. I really do. You were always so nice to me. You supported my artwork. Even if something looked crappy, you’d tell me it was good. You had your subtle way of telling me what was good and bad without hurting me over it.”
“Mother’s instinct,” Paula said. “I meant it when I told you that you were the daughter I never had.”
“And I always appreciated it. You know, when Denny passed… there were things left unsaid to him. I’m sure you feel the same way. He was taken so suddenly. Unexpectedly. And the things I had to say…”
“That’s why I’m here, Josie.” Paula reached for her small purse and placed it on the table. “There was something Denny wanted to say to you before he died.”
* * *
I swallowed hard and stood up.
My hand covered my mouth as I watched Paula place the small black box on the table. I started to shake my head, not wanting her to open it. I had no desire to see the diamond ring. To see the engagement ring.
But there it was.
A beautiful diamond ring, sitting on my brother’s dining room table, glistening in the natural sunlight from the large window next to the table.
Paula offered a weak smile and blinked fast. “This is from him…”
“Why?” I asked. “I mean, why now? What is this supposed to mean?”
“I never went through his stuff, Josie,” Paula said. “I just couldn’t do it. We put everything in the garage and left it there. I actually caught myself starting to drink a little. That’s a road I couldn’t take. So, I started cleaning out Denny’s stuff. Picking out what I wanted to keep. What I would donate. And then I found this. In the pocket of a pair of jeans. He was going to ask you to marry him, Josie. Just like we talked about.”
“Did you tell him to do this?” I asked.
“No. I meant you and I, Josie. We talked about it. And look… Denny was there too. He was ready for it. I know that doesn’t take away the pain from the loss, but this proves everything I told you about him.”
“Meaning?”
“The good, Josie. The good always outweighs the bad. I told you that before and I meant it. Then and now. This is the proof. Of course, Denny had problems. And what happened to him… you know, it happened. That’s all I can say. It happened. But this ring shows you everything you need to know and remember of Denny. He loved you, Josie. He loved you so much.”
He fucked other women, Paula. He got drunk and fucked other women…
I kept switching my gaze from Paula to the ring on the table. Back and forth.
“This is a lot to take in,” I said.
“Sure, it is,” Paula said. “But he loved you. He wanted to marry you. He wanted to have a family with you.”
“Stop saying that,” I said. “Just stop.”
“Josie…”
“No,” I said. “Stop, Paula. He’s dead. He’s dead because of drinking. He may have never hit me the way Dennis hit you, but that didn’t make him a good person. He was a bad person.”
“No, Josie. What he felt…”
“He drank and slept with other women,” I said. “All the time. He had an ex that he would go see. The second things between him and I got hard, he would run off and sleep with her.”
“Men,” Paula said.
“No,” I said. “That’s not how it works.”
“I think I’ll see myself out,” she said. “I didn’t come here to upset you. I wanted you to see this.”
“I don’t want that ring.”
“I’m not taking it with me,” she said. “You can keep it. Sell it. It was meant to be yours.”
My bottom lip quivered as Paula stood stoically. She knew how to hold in her true emotions. There was no way this woman wasn’t dead inside. But it wasn’t my problem.
“It was good to see you,” Paula said. “You look beautiful. You look happy. You look in love, Josie. And I hope that’s the case. You deserve everything. I didn’t bring the ring over to upset you. I brought it over to show you that Denny did love you and maybe that would help you clear up any feelings or grief. I mean, look at me, Josie. As Denny’s mother. That ring matters to me.”
“Then take it with you, Paula. Let it be your thing. Let it give you your peace.”
“No,” she said. “I’ll be fine. My son loved you. My son lost his life with the intentions of marrying you. That’s okay with me.”
Paula walked to the door and I didn’t move.
She left, and I stared at the engagement ring.
The front door opened again, and it was Corey coming back with Meadow.
I jumped at the table, sliding the box off and doing my best to hide my hand from Corey.
“Is that old lady still here?” Meadow asked.
“Meadow,” Corey snapped.
“What? I don’t know her name. You called her old.”
“She left,” I said.
“Meadow, go upstairs,” Corey said. “I need to talk to Aunt Josie.”
“Fine,” Meadow said. “I know you two are going to talk about that old lady. That’s rude to talk about someone behind their back.”
Corey gave Meadow the dad look and she stomped her feet up the stairs.
As Corey came into the dining room, he sighed. “I swear, she’s a twin of Kait sometimes. When she doesn’t get her way…”
“Women,” I said, raising an eyebrow.
“Funny,” he said. “What did Paula want?”
“Just to catch up,” I said.
“Yeah?”
“She went through Denny’s stuff,” I said. “And it made her think of me. She wanted to see how I was doing. She wanted to… you know, paint Denny as a hero.”
“What assholes,” Corey said, his nostrils flaring.
“Assholes?” I asked.
“All of them,” he growled. “The entire family. What they did to you.”
“Corey, stop,” I said. “Please. It doesn’t matter now.”
“I know. It pisses me off. I’m your brother. And I had to watch that happen to you.”
“I chose to be there. And now I’m here.”
“Just promise me the past won’t hurt what you have now.”
“How can that happen? Denny is dead. It’s not like he’s going to walk through the front door and ask me for a second chance.”
Although it feels like it since I’m holding an engagement ring he was going to give to me…
“Josie,” Corey said. “I know you. You’re an artist. Your heart is different than everyone else’s around you.”
“Not everyone’s,” I said.
“Oh, that’s right. Crosby.” Corey rolled his eyes. “Oh, Crosby. How I love thee…”
“Shut up,” I said. “Jerk.”
He laughed. “I’m just looking out for you. Paula is a loser. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t say that about a woman. But she is. What she deals with. No backbone. That’s sad. And coming here to talk about the past? She’s trying to drag you down a little.”
“I kicked her out,” I said. “I didn’t want to hear about the past.”
“That’s good,” Corey said. “I’m proud of you.”
“Hey, I’m going to finish packing up. I’m going away overnight with Crosby.”
“Ah, how sweet. Your first trip away together. Take pictures.”
“There is something really wrong with you,” I said. “How the hell did you land Kait?”
“I ask myself that every day,” Corey said. “Have fun, Josie. Don’t let Paula or Denny or any of that shit ruin what you have now.”
I nodded.
I smiled.
I was good at lying.
Because when I left the house and went to the guesthouse, I sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the diamond ring. I tried to imagine what it would have been like. What he would have said. How he would have done it.
And my answer.
That was the hardest part…
My answer would have been yes.
29
Into the Flame…
NOW
Crosby
“That girl you have there is something,” Jonny said out of nowhere as we sat next to each other, putting the final touches on another song.
It was mostly background noise in the song. A guitar with the reverb turned up to its highest setting to give a really nice hall type echo feel. It worked with the song and fit the sound of the band that needed it.
I turned my head and looked at Jonny. “What?”
“That girl. Josie.”
“You’re sitting here thinking about Josie?”
“Not thinking about her like that, man. Just… I don’t know. We wrote this song in front of her, Cros. That’s all. And she’s perfect for you. She stands up to you, man. I think she could kick your ass.”
“You’re probably right,” I said. “We’re heading out soon. I’m taking her up to Truck’s Ridge. Overnight. Just to get away and breathe.”
“You piss her off and she’s going to feed you to a bear,” Jonny said.
“You’re right,” I said. “Shit. If I get eaten by a bear, you’ll be out of a job. Then you’ll have to sell your cowboy boots and flannels.”
“Hey, don’t hate on me. I’m like a rockstar cowboy.”
I laughed. “Rockstar cowboy, huh?”
“Better than what you are.”
“Meaning?” I asked.
“Nothing,” Jonny said. “Let’s finish this song so I can get out of here.”
“Hot date tonight?”
“Every night, Cros.”
“I’m not talking about your right hand, Jonny.”
“My hand is my…”
I stood up. “I was just messing around, man. Christ. I don’t need to hear anything you’re about to say.”
Jonny laughed.
He finished the song a few minutes later and sent the file off to Jackie.
On top of the cowboy boots and the flannel, Jonny picked up a beat-up leather jacket. He had his own look going on. A good look at that. He should have been in Nashville. And stayed there.
“Hey,” he said. “You know I can’t leave without breaking your balls a little, right?”
“Wouldn’t be the same if you didn’t,” I said. “Why?”
“When was the last time you went for a run?”
Jonny smirked when he asked the question, knowing he knew the answer.
I hadn’t actually gone out for a run in a little while. A few days. Maybe more than a few days. My time had been split between writing songs and exploring Josie’s beautiful curves. And I didn’t see a damn thing wrong with it.
