The Dear Wife (More Than a Wife Series Book 3), page 9
“What if I can’t move on? It’s like all the good he’s ever done is on replay in my head. I miss him so much. The real him.”
Delanie scooted closer to us. “I promised Peter I would tread lightly.” Her tone was strained. “So I will first say that perhaps there’s a chance you can work things out.” She cleared her throat as if she had gone against all her principles. “With that said, the ‘real’ James may never return. Even if he did, we wouldn’t blame you if you divorced him.”
“Or if you stayed,” Sam threw in.
“Right.” Delanie smirked. “But, Avery, the reason women return to bad situations is because they feel powerless, and you’re not. I know it may feel like that right now, but you need to take control of what you can and own how strong you are. You run marathons, and you’ve survived losing a child. I can’t imagine that. I would be curled up in the fetal position, but you found a way to go on with life and even be happy. You have no idea what that says about you.”
“It’s true.” Sam rubbed my arm. “You amaze me.”
I wasn’t sure why I amazed her, or anyone for that matter. “I still keep Hannah’s room untouched.” I felt like that made me sound unstable. “Which reminds me.” I sat up and out of Sam’s arms. “I have something for Mia.” I slowly got up, trying not to get a head rush. Crying and bleeding all day was a killer. At least the bleeding had slowed; I was down to changing my tampon every other hour now. I padded over to the closet not far from my bed and opened the door. It squeaked like my joints wanted to after being curled up in bed all day. I reached for Hannah’s christening dress and did my best not to cry. I needed to let go of things. Maybe even people. I carried the dress in the plastic covering close to my heart back to my bed.
Sam sat up straight. The look in her eye said she knew what I had in my hand. “Are you sure?” she whispered.
I took the dress out of the garment bag and laid it on the bed for us all to look at the beautiful creation. We all took a moment to reverence the dress. I wiped my eyes before the tears could fall. “I’m sure. It’s the way it should be.”
Sam lightly brushed her hand over the satin and antique lace. “I remember the day Hannah wore this. She was an angel. I loved being her godmother and aunt.”
I placed my hand over Sam’s. “Mia will be just as angelic on the day she’s christened.” I turned and gently touched Jonah’s head. “You don’t know how thankful I am for these little lives coming into our family. It helps me to remember that there is still good in the world. And there are happy things to look forward to.”
Delanie bit her lip and gave Sam a meaningful look. “You know, there are some other things you could be looking forward to.”
I tilted my head, more than confused. I couldn’t think of anything else to look forward to other than rereading some of Delanie’s books. Hunter Black and Maxwell Brooks, her newest hero, were the only love life I had going. I think I might love Maxwell even more than Hunter, which was saying something. Before we knew about Delanie, Sam and I used to have a secret book club especially for Hunter Black books. But there was something about Maxwell, other than him being a sexy Brit. He was sort of elusive but in a way that made you want to get to know more about him. And he had this gentle side to him. Something I longed for right now.
“Why don’t you hold Jonah?” Delanie suggested.
I always loved holding my nephew but was a little afraid for what Delanie wanted to say to me. I took Jonah anyway. I could use some good baby snuggling. Little Jonah stretched a bit before he settled into my arms. His little cheeks were filling out. He had that milk-drunk smile I adored so much. While I fawned over my nephew, Delanie went to retrieve her phone in her bag. She came back and sat close to me. Sam scooted closer to us too.
Delanie kissed her son’s head. “Don’t kill me, but I did a thing.” She pulled something up on her phone but hid the screen from me.
“Did you sign me up to get a tattoo or maybe a nose ring?” I admired both the vine tattoo that wound up and around her arm and the diamond stud she had in her nose. I had always kind of wanted a tattoo, but my mother would have killed me if I’d ever gotten one, and then once I got married and became a mom, it seemed silly.
“No.” She grinned. “But I’m totally down to go with you if you want to get inked or pierced.”
“Could you imagine?” I laughed. It felt good to laugh.
Sam tapped my nose. “I think you would look hot with a nose stud. Or maybe a skull on your bicep,” she teased.
“I’ll think about it,” I joked.
“You should think about this too.” Delanie held up her phone. “My publisher is looking for a talented part-time graphic designer to work on cover art and interiors. I sent them your name and links to Sam’s social media pages that you designed, as well as the Decker and Sons Landscaping site so they could see your landscaping design work as well as the logo and headers you created. Lucas, the CEO, is very impressed with your designs, as is Becca, the design director.”
I stared blankly at Delanie, not sure what to say. LH Ink, her publisher, was located in New York City, and I couldn’t up and move there for a part-time job. How could I leave this house? Jimmy was still in school, and Hannah still lived in these walls.
Delanie pushed her phone more toward me. “Read what they have to say. They would be willing to let you work from home, and the pay range is probably more than what you make working for Dad.”
I hesitantly reached for the phone, being careful not to wake Jonah, and read the email from Lucas. My heart was beating out of my chest as I read line by line. He was very complimentary about my work. They wanted me to fly to New York for an interview, all expenses paid. And the pay, even part-time pay, was pretty incredible. It wouldn’t take me long at all to save money for the retainer fee if I kept my current job and got this position.
“Is this something they would let me do at night and on the weekends?” I asked Delanie.
Delanie nodded with a conspiratorial grin.
“I don’t want a pity position.” That would feel as bad as Delanie writing me a check.
Delanie took the phone out of my hand and gave me a hard look. “I’m not going to lie. I’ve pulled some strings. But you don’t know Lucas; he doesn’t believe in pity. He wouldn’t even consider you if he weren’t impressed. And Becca is aware that you helped me with the suggestions I gave them for Belonging’s cover when they sent that piece of crap mock-up to me. I only got you an in. Your talent is going to have to get you the rest of the way.”
“And you’re very talented,” Sam added.
I let out a heavy breath. “I’ve never done anything like this before.”
Sam took one of Jonah’s tiny hands and gently brushed her thumb across it. “That’s how I felt about the Sidelined Wife, but it became a lifeline. It showed me I could stand on my own. And in some ways, it allowed me to accept Reed into my life. Maybe this opportunity can do the same for you. And maybe, just maybe, it will show James exactly what he has to lose.”
I pursed my lips together. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that sometimes you have to lose it all to see that what you have is worth fighting for.”
“What if I don’t want James to fight for us anymore?” My voice cracked because in my heart I had been wanting nothing more than for James to fight for us, for me. It’s what hurt the most—that he didn’t think I was worth it. Now I wasn’t sure if he was. I hated that.
Tears welled up in Sam’s eyes. “I for one wouldn’t blame you. But, I think I know you and even James well enough to know you would want every last chance you could get. And maybe this is it. You need to take a stand, and we will be right here waiting to prop you up.”
I looked between the two women I loved most in this world. “You really think I should do this?”
“Hell. Yes.” Delanie nodded slow and sure.
That about summed it up. This was hell. Yes, it was.
Chapter Twelve
“Matt will pick you up from practice. Just text him when you’re done.” I turned into the school very early on Monday morning. It felt like summer was officially over with Jimmy’s first cross-country practice. Not like summer had been all that cheery. In a way I was kind of glad to see it go. I needed more routine, even if that meant that it was August and my oldest was leaving for college and me for New York this weekend. What was I thinking?
Jimmy stared out the window into the almost-desolate parking lot. “Why didn’t Dad get me a car like he did for Matt when he turned sixteen?”
My heart sank. I knew Jimmy had been disappointed on his birthday in June. It wasn’t like Matt had some fancy car; it was a used little Ford truck. But Matt loved it, and it meant freedom for him. I had tried talking to James about getting a car for Jimmy, but it just turned into a fight about money, so I let it go. I wished I hadn’t. The look Jimmy wore now was the same one on his birthday when all he got was the new phone he asked for and tickets to Post Malone, his favorite singer.
I put the car in park and ran my hand across his mop of hair. He needed a haircut. “Jimmy, it doesn’t mean your dad loves you any less. I promise. He’s just in a selfish place right now.”
Jimmy leaned his head on the window. “He’s always liked Matt better.”
“No, honey. That’s not true.” And it wasn’t. James and I had discussed many times over the years how lucky we were to have Jimmy. He was sweet natured, mostly, unless Matt got him riled up. And he was always willing to help, unlike Matt. I think, though, James did spend more time with Matt because basically they were the same person and James worried about Matt more. So did I. Now more than ever.
I rubbed Jimmy’s bare arm; he was dressed in a tank top and running shorts. “Listen, I’m going to fly to New York this weekend for a job interview.”
Jimmy whipped his head my way with a look of horror.
“We aren’t moving,” I tried to put him at ease. “This would be an extra job, which would mean some extra money. And maybe if it goes well, we can look at getting you a car.” You know, after I save for the divorce retainer. I didn’t mention that though.
“Really?” His baby blues lit up.
“Yeah. I mean it won’t be right away, but maybe at the end of this year.”
“That’s okay.” His voice was much lighter.
I eyed the phone in his hand. “One more thing. How would you feel about getting a phone that only allowed you to call and text?”
Jimmy stared down at his beloved smartphone with all the bells and whistles. He thought long and hard. “Yeah, maybe that would be a good idea.”
“I think so. I’ll even get one, too, if it makes you feel better.” I was addicted to apps, too, just not ones with naked people.
“You would?” Jimmy seemed surprised.
“Of course. We’re going to tackle this together.”
“I’m still not watching chick flicks with you.” He smirked.
“We’ll see.” I gave him a wink. “Now go show your coach how much you’ve trained this summer and that you plan on winning state this year . . . again.” Out of all of us, Jimmy was the best athlete. It was because he was the most disciplined. Matt always did well, and in short distances he could outrun both James and me, but I think half of the appeal for him was traveling the state with the girls on the cross-country team.
Jimmy rolled his eyes at me, not comfortable with the limelight or expectations. “I’m going now.”
“I love you, Jimmy. I’m proud of you.”
He flicked his head as if to say I love you and Thanks before he rushed out the door. He couldn’t risk me getting any mushier.
I rolled down the passenger-side window. “Don’t forget to drink lots of water.” I had to embarrass him at least a little.
He grimaced at me before he jogged off toward some of his teammates that had arrived. In particular a cute girl named Dakota. I wanted to stay and watch them interact, but I knew that wouldn’t win me any mom points. Honestly, I liked Dakota and wouldn’t mind if Jimmy had a thing for her, you know, as long as they kept it all PG. G rated would be better, but I didn’t live in la-la land, so I knew that was never happening. I did kind of wonder what it was like to live in la-la land. And I didn’t mean the movie—I was still upset by that ending. No, I wondered what it was like to live in a state of bliss and ignorance. But was ignorance really bliss? Somehow, I didn’t think so. I think bliss is when you’re able to find happiness among the truth, even the hard truths of life. Maybe someday I would get there.
Today wasn’t that day. I pulled into the office’s parking lot. I had decided last night I was going to be a big girl and go into the office to work. I couldn’t avoid James forever, and he was rarely ever there. After talking to Sam and Delanie last night, I had this renewed sense of purpose. I needed to control what I could control and learn to let go of what I couldn’t. That meant James. Trying to control him was the biggest mistake I had made in all of this. Trying to control him made me lose control of everything else. Today, though, I was taking back that control. I was going to do the best job I could for Dad and see if I could land that part-time job so I could take control of my financial future and the future of my marriage. Even if that meant dissolving it. And I was going to call the doctor. Sam mentioned that one of her friends at book club had an ablation a few months ago and it was life changing. It didn’t sound all that pleasant. They basically took the inside of your uterus off. But it was supposed to either stop your periods or make them a lot lighter. What I wouldn’t do to not have another period.
I say that, but I was deathly afraid of being put under. I had never had surgery and had always been very healthy. It was one of the reasons I hadn’t been to the doctor yet. What if I needed a hysterectomy? I might not have liked the torture my uterus was putting me through, but I wanted to keep it all the same. My first step was to make an appointment with my gynecologist—you know, right after I asked Dad for next Monday off so I could interview with LH Ink.
It didn’t help that I noticed James’s truck was there. I had a feeling he might come in this morning. He texted me last night, I love you. I didn’t respond.
I grabbed the cookies I had made late last night for Brinley to say sorry for accusing her of sleeping with my husband. I wrote a little note with them that basically begged her to forgive me. The note and chocolate chip cookies were Matt approved, even though he was still being snippy with me about not going to Sunday dinner. And he was embarrassed by Mimsy, even though he had come home with a nice wad of cash from her. Mimsy was known for throwing money at her great-grandchildren.
I wasn’t sure what to do about Matt. He was angry with me. Part of me could understand why, but the other part of me wondered why he wasn’t upset with his dad. Matt didn’t even want to listen to my side of the story. All he saw was my unwillingness to save our family. If only he could see that was exactly what I was trying to do. Saving us didn’t mean that James and I would stay together. It meant that we would all come out happier and healthier human beings. That was the hope anyway.
I walked slowly into the office even though coming to work felt lighter than it had in months. I was reminded how much I loved working here. And now with Claire gone I could breathe easier. With each breath, I took a purposeful step up the stairs and headed straight for the entrance. I walked in to the jangle of the bell to find that Brinley wasn’t there yet. It was probably a good thing. I laid the cookies and the note on her receptionist desk and walked toward the back. I noticed Dad’s door was closed at the far end of the hall. I heard muffled, deep voices. I assumed it was Dad and James.
I snuck into my office and partially shut the door before flipping on the light. I took a minute to calm myself. It was stupid to be this nervous knowing my husband was near. I held my abdomen, which was thankfully not cramping at the moment, and reminded myself I was in control. Or at least I was taking steps to be in control of what I could.
Feeling calmer, I took a seat at my desk and turned on my laptop and the large monitors I used when I was designing. It was weird to think that soon I might be designing cover art for books. Delanie had even said if I got hired, she was going to insist I work on the cover art for the sequel to Belonging. She couldn’t tell us the name of the title yet, but Sam and I were salivating for the new book even though it was months away from being released. Delanie hadn’t had as much time for writing as she used to since Jonah was born.
While my technology came to life, there was a knock on my door before James’s head popped in. His bloodshot eyes, unshaven cheeks, and mussed hair saddened me. All the vibrancy that belonged to him was long gone.
“Good morning,” he cautiously said.
“Good morning,” I returned just as carefully.
James opened the door and invited himself all the way in. “Are you feeling better? Ma said you were having some women issues.”
Women’s issues? That was one way to put it. “I’m better. Thanks.” Better as in I could wear a super tampon now and when I sneezed, I wasn’t going to have to change my clothes.
James stepped closer, running his fingers through his dark hair that had more gray in it as of late.
“Avery.” He paused. “I miss you.”
“Join the club. I’ve been missing you for months.” I couldn’t help but be snarky.
“I know. I want to fix that. If you would just let me come home.”
I clasped my hands together, squeezing the life out of them. “No, James. It doesn’t work like that. Not after what you did. You don’t realize how much you hurt and humiliated me.”
“I’m sorry about Claire. Don’t you think I feel bad about what I did?”
“I think you feel bad that you got caught. But what if you hadn’t? Would you have slept with her?”
