The Dear Wife (More Than a Wife Series Book 3), page 19
When I could no longer see him, I slowly stood on shaky legs and walked over to my daughter’s grave. James had left a perfect budded purple rose leaning against her heart headstone. I fell to my knees and picked it up. Closing my eyes, I brought it to my nose and soaked in its fragrant scent. I was more confused than ever. All I’d wanted for the past year was for James to love me enough to fight for me. To say the things he’d said to our daughter and God this morning. I’d begged and pled with him. It wasn’t fair for him to show up now.
I opened my eyes. They landed on Hannah’s name. I reached out and outlined each letter with my finger. “Hannah, what does all this mean? Does it mean anything at all?” I looked up into the sky. “God,” I uttered his name for the first time in a long time. “Tell me what to do,” I pled as James had done. I felt just as lost as him. I hung my head and waited, not really expecting an answer to come. But then a whisper in the wind said, Trust me. I dropped Hannah’s rose and hastily stood, startled. I must be hearing things. The same thought came again, but louder. I shook my head in disbelief. “You’ve got a lot of nerve, God.” I was probably going to hell for saying that. Maybe even tomorrow if things didn’t go as they should. “Give me one good reason to trust you,” I raised my voice.
Silence. That’s what I thought. It was official, I was crazy.
I rested my hand on my daughter’s headstone. “I love you, sweetheart. So much. Be my angel tomorrow. As much as I miss you, I don’t want to die.”
Trust me.
Stop saying that!
Chapter Twenty-Four
I was a ball of nerves before James arrived. Being around him was going to be even more awkward after spying on him this morning. It’s not like I meant to. How was I to know that he was having some sort of awakening? Part of me wanted to talk to him about it. I wanted to know if he really felt like that. I wanted to help him find himself again, because maybe if he were him, then I could be me again. But the other part of me wanted to slug him in the gut because he had hurt me so deeply that I wasn’t sure there was any way for me to heal. I wondered if “me” would ever return.
Matt came bounding up the stairs looking so much like his dad in khaki shorts and a tight tee. He was wearing his ball cap backward just like his dad used to. “Brinley’s coming over to say goodbye before she heads to work,” he informed me.
“Okay.” I looked up from staring at all his luggage and boxes. This was really happening. “I made you some cinnamon streusel muffins.”
“Great. I’ll eat them on the road.” He didn’t sound the least bit like this was affecting him. Shouldn’t he be a little weepy that he was leaving me and his childhood home? I mean I hadn’t even bothered to put on makeup knowing the kind of waterworks that were going to come, or basically that had been nonstop for weeks. This was really crappy timing.
“I could pour you some juice, and we could eat together,” I offered, more like begged.
“Mom, Brinley will be here any minute, and I want to say goodbye to her. Alone,” he emphasized.
“Fine,” I sighed. “Be good.”
He rolled his eyes before he jetted out the front door. What happened to the little boy who said he never wanted to leave home and he was going to marry me like Daddy? Before I could burst into tears, Jimmy appeared, looking handsome in dark jeans and a V-neck tee. He’d upped his fashion game this year.
“Hi, honey. Are you ready for school? Dad’s going to take you after Matt leaves.” Which reminded me: “Is it okay if I ask him to take you tomorrow too? I’m having that procedure I told you about in the morning.” I hadn’t gone into too much detail about it, and in true Decker-men fashion, Jimmy didn’t really care to know more beyond whether I would be able to pick him up from practice and feed him. I hadn’t even told James yet. I was saving it for this morning. I figured it didn’t really affect him so there was no reason to tell him. And it’s not like I had seen him, you know, other than when I was spying on him.
Jimmy shrugged. “Sure.”
James and Jimmy weren’t bosom buddies again, but Jimmy was amenable to spending time with him. They had gone out to dinner twice in the last week. Jimmy never told me what they talked about other than sports and school. And I didn’t want to pry. I didn’t want us to become the kind of parents who used their kids to keep tabs on each other.
“There are muffins in the kitchen,” I let him know.
Jimmy darted in that direction.
“Save some for your brother,” I called.
Before I had a chance to go back to staring at Matt’s things, James came walking through the front door, making me jump.
I don’t think he expected to see me right away either. He ran a nervous hand through his hair. “Hey. I’m sorry. I should have knocked.”
I almost said, You’re right and you better remember for next time, but his solemn countenance had me saying, “It’s okay.” But what I really wanted to say was, I saw you pouring your heart out at our daughter’s grave today. Do you really love me? Do you even know what that is anymore? If so, why are you such a l’âne? He knew exactly what that meant in French. It wasn’t the first time I’d called him that. Before any of that came out of my mouth, I nervously asked, “Do you want some muffins?”
He gave me a half smile. “Thanks, but I’m off sugar.”
I took a good look at him. He was looking more like himself; his gut had come down, and his face wasn’t puffy at all. He was clean shaven, and he’d even tucked in his shirt. It wasn’t fair. Why could guys stop eating sugar and lose like ten pounds in a week? When I would go sugar-free, I always gained weight to begin with. It was like my body was preparing for a famine or something.
James’s eyes roved over me. “You look good, Avery.”
He was lying. I didn’t have any makeup on, and I’d been up for hours. To top it off, I was wearing old cutoffs and a faded T-shirt. I didn’t feel the need to dress up since I was working from home today. I knew what a mess I would be, so I told Dad I wouldn’t be in today. Delanie and Sam were coming over later to comfort me.
“I’m not lying,” he said when I didn’t respond. “I always loved those shorts on you.”
I had forgotten. He hadn’t complimented me in so long, unless you counted when he was drunk, which I didn’t. I waved off his compliments. “We should start loading up Matt’s truck.”
“Avery.” He stepped closer. His clean scent filled my senses.
I backed up. I didn’t want to feel the feelings he was stirring inside of me. It wasn’t right he could evoke them. It was easier to hate him when he wasn’t himself. But the man in front of me resembled the man I fell in love with. The man I still loved.
He inched forward more. “I think we should talk.”
“I agree.”
“I can take tomorrow off,” he offered. “We could spend the day together. Maybe go to Navy Pier. We haven’t done that in a while, and I know how much you love it.”
I blinked repeatedly. I wasn’t expecting that. “James, um . . .” I caught my breath. “That sounds like a date, and I don’t think that’s a good idea. Besides I’m having—”
Matt barged in the door with a big smile on his face and lip stain on his lips. “Brinley just left. Let’s get this show on the road.”
James gave me a look as if I had punched him in the gut before he faced Matt with a sad smile. “Big man on campus. Let’s do this,” he said half-heartedly.
We each grabbed either a suitcase or a box and filed out the door. Jimmy helped, too, with a muffin hanging out of his mouth. It didn’t take long for us to pack his truck. And before I knew it, I was standing there staring at my son, my baby, so choked up I couldn’t speak. Matt and Jimmy were razzing each other because heaven forbid they show any real emotion.
“Stay out of my room while I’m gone,” Matt instructed Jimmy.
“Don’t count on it, butt lord,” Jimmy responded.
Matt grabbed Jimmy and messed up his hair. Jimmy elbowed him so hard Matt let go of him and grabbed his midsection.
I raised animals.
James stood to the side and smirked. He enjoyed their shenanigans more than I ever did. But then he glanced my way and saw how emotional I was and said, “Boys, knock it off. Matt, say goodbye to your mom.”
No, Matt, don’t say goodbye to me. Stay with me. I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone else leaving me. Matt and Jimmy gave each other a quick bro hug before breaking apart and acting like their show of affection had never happened. Matt approached me, and I held out my arms. He fell into them and swallowed me up whole. I sobbed into his chest, wanting to say so much but not being able to form any words. All those morbid thoughts kept coming to me, like You could die tomorrow, and This could be your last chance to tell your son how you feel about him. “I love you,” I cried. Wow. I sucked at this. I mean I loved him, but I more than loved him. I should be giving him some poignant life advice. All I could think of was, “Don’t make me a grandma.”
“Mom,” he grumbled.
I held on to him tighter.
“Mom, I need to go.”
“Drive safe. Call me when you get there. Remember our deal, calls twice a week. But you can call more if you want. And if you need anything, I can come down there,” I rambled while clinging tighter and tighter.
Matt patted my back. “Okay, Mom. I love you.” He released me while I held on for a few seconds longer. When I did let go, James was standing nearby watching me, looking so unsure. I desperately wanted to fly into his arms, and I hated that I couldn’t. Instead I took Jimmy’s hand, to his chagrin.
Matt and James hugged. James whispered something in Matt’s ear, and Matt nodded. I wondered what that was all about. James handed Matt some cash, which Matt happily took and shoved in his pocket.
Before I knew it, Matt was in his truck, shades on, radio blasting, and waving to us like he was the happiest kid in the world. All while tears streamed down my face. He drove off, honking his horn. I waved at him until I could no longer see him. It was one of those surreal moments.
Jimmy broke free of me. “I’ve got to finish getting ready for school.”
“Hurry,” I implored. He was already going to miss first period.
That left James and me to stare at each other uncomfortably.
“Well, he’s off,” James commented.
I weakly nodded.
James stepped closer to me, his hand reaching out to touch my cheek.
“Don’t,” I begged. As much as I wanted him to comfort me, I couldn’t let him.
He clenched his fist before dropping it. “Avery, I’m sorry.” His eyes began to glisten in the glaring sunlight.
“Can you take Jimmy to school tomorrow and pick him up from practice?” I blurted before I could give in and throw myself in his arms.
James blinked a few times trying to comprehend what I’d said. “Sure.”
“I’m having surgery tomorrow morning.”
He shook his head in disbelief. “What? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. It’s just my periods have gotten out of control, and there’s a simple procedure they can do to either eliminate them or make them lighter. Don’t worry about the money. I’ve got the deductible covered.” Or at least I would when I got paid.
The corners of his mouth turned down, and his eyes widened as if he’d been slapped. “You think I care about the money?”
“You usually do.”
He hung his head. “I suppose I deserve that.” His head lifted, brow creased. “But why didn’t you tell me you were having surgery until now? I’m your husband.”
I tilted my head. “Are you? Because I haven’t seen my husband in a long time.”
“I know,” he choked out. “I’m trying to find him. I’m lost, Avery. I’m lost without you.”
“James, you made your choices.”
“The wrong ones. I want to make the right choices. I’m trying to get right with God, with our children, with you. Let me take you to the hospital tomorrow.”
I backed away from him. “Sam and Delanie are taking me.”
“Please, Avery,” he pled.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” I was already going to be an emotional wreck. I didn’t need my confused feelings for him thrown into the mix.
He let out a heavy breath. “All right. I’ll take care of Jimmy. Please have Sam call me. I want to make sure you’re okay.”
“Do you really?”
This time he didn’t hesitate. His hand rested on my cheek. I turned away from his warm touch, but he persisted. His thumb brushed against my skin. I couldn’t remember the last time he had touched me so tenderly.
“Avery, I love you. I know you don’t believe me.”
“You’re right, I don’t.” I wiped my eyes and stepped away from him.
His hand dropped. “Tell me what to do. Where do I find myself, Avery?” he cried.
I clasped my hands together and brought them to my mouth. I didn’t know what to say to him. I was torn between wanting to help him and screaming at him. Jimmy saved me from doing either. He came out with his backpack slung across his shoulder, eating another muffin. He stopped and stared between his dad and me. “Everything okay?” he asked with a full mouth. “You’re not fighting, are you?”
“No,” James and I said unison.
“Can I come by tomorrow after your surgery? Please,” James begged.
I nodded without thinking.
“Please make sure Sam calls me with any updates.”
“I will.” I turned to my son. “Have a good day. Do you have everything you need? Homework? Cross-country gear?”
Jimmy chewed and swallowed. “Yeah.”
“I love you.”
“Love you,” he mumbled like he was embarrassed to admit it.
“See you after school.”
Jimmy headed for his dad’s truck in front of our house.
“Bye, James.” I tried to keep any emotion out of my voice while I avoided looking at him.
“Avery.” The tenderness in his voice had my eyes drifting up to meet his gaze. “Matt is going to do great. And don’t be nervous about your surgery. Everything will be okay tomorrow.” He said it all like he knew that’s exactly what I needed him to say to me.
“Will it?”
“I promise. You’ve got this.”
“I wish I could believe you.”
“More than anything, I wish you could believe in me again.”
“Me too.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
I ran into the house, and once I made it through the front door, I doubled over, feeling as if I couldn’t catch my breath. “God, what do you want from me?” I shouted once I got some air in my lungs. “And don’t tell me to trust you, because I can’t even trust myself right now or the man I love. Why couldn’t you have answered my prayers before he’d crossed the line? I’ve tried so hard not to blame you, but I do. I blame you for taking Hannah and stealing James away from me! He doesn’t even know who he is anymore. I don’t know who I am or what I should do,” I yelled before I crumpled onto the hard floor. “Please, tell me what I should do. Please make this pain go away.”
My phone vibrated in my pocket, interrupting my pity party. I pulled my phone out. It was a text from my mother. Call me. No more excuses. I’m beginning to think someone’s kidnapped you and is using your phone. I’m going to call the police or James. I rolled my eyes. My mother was the last person I wanted to talk to this morning, but I couldn’t have her calling James. She had no idea we were separated. I’d been putting off talking to her for weeks by shooting her texts saying I was busy and would call later. I guess later needed to be now. I slowly stood and headed for the kitchen. I needed some water before I dealt with my mother. Might as well since I was dealing with all the other pleasant aspects of my life this morning.
After I downed a large glass of water, I dialed my mother, who picked up on the first ring.
“Tell me what you got on your seventh birthday so I know this is really you and I shouldn’t be alerting the authorities.”
I gripped the countertop. I was going to need some strength to get through this conversation. “A Bye-Bye Diapers doll,” I sighed.
“In that case, why haven’t you called your mother?”
“I told you, I’ve been busy getting Matt ready for school, and I started a new job.”
“It’s about time you left that nowhere job with James and crew.”
“Mom, I’m still working for the landscaping business, and don’t talk about it like that. I love my job.”
“Then why did you get a new one? Are you having money problems? Why didn’t James get a second job? Lazy,” she muttered.
“He’s not lazy.” James was a lot of things, but he was the hardest worker around. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It was the moment of truth. “James and I are separated.” I squinted, waiting for her response.
She took a few seconds before she responded. “Well, you lasted longer than I thought you would. What did the hind end finally do to get you to see the light?”
My eyes flew open. “See what light?”
“What a loser he’s always been.”
My blood was beginning to boil. I couldn’t believe I was outraged on James’s behalf, but not only was she insulting him, she was insulting me and my children. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You only saw what you wanted to see. You didn’t see the man who works fifty to sixty hours every week. Or who stayed up late building volcanoes for science projects. Or who went to every cross-country meet and ballet recital. You didn’t know the man who cried every time he held our babies for the first time. So, don’t tell me it was me who didn’t see clearly!”
My mother said nothing for several seconds. I almost hung up.
“Are you all right?” she asked.
“No, Mom. I’m not all right.”
“Why didn’t you call?”
“I wonder.”
“What’s going on?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” At least not with her. I would never hear the end of it if she knew what James had done. Eventually, I would have to tell her, but not today. Not after the emotional roller coaster I’d been on. “I have a lot of work to do today. I’m having an ablation tomorrow morning, and I just sent my baby off to college.”
