The Dear Wife (More Than a Wife Series Book 3), page 8
“Mom, are you okay?” Matt shouted. “I can hear you downstairs.”
“No, I’m not,” I cried. I was tired of lying and saying I was fine. Clearly, I wasn’t fine, half-naked on the toilet surfing the crimson wave while wishing I could really drown in my tears.
Matt was awfully quiet for a long pause. “Do you want me to bring you something?” he sweetly asked.
“No, honey.”
“Well . . . I’m going to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s. Jimmy doesn’t want to come. Will you come?” he pled, breaking my heart even more.
I bent over and held on to my knees. “I can’t.”
“Please, Mom,” he begged. “Dad wants to work it out. Can’t you?”
I stared at the puddle of tears on the old white tile floor. I watched as tear upon tear rippled the surface and the puddle grew and grew. Would the tears ever stop? Would I ever not feel this pain?
“Mom?” Matt called out.
“Matt, I can’t go. I’ll see you later. Please drive safe.”
He pounded the door before stomping off. It felt more like he was stomping on my heart instead of the floor. If he only knew how much I wanted to give him his wish. But where would I be if I did? Sitting by James feeling like we were worlds apart, perpetuating the lie that everything was okay. Losing myself more and more. Why did I feel as if maybe that was better? Maybe if I just kept pretending and dying inside, everyone else would be happier. I had to cling to the shred of light and hope I felt at Hannah’s grave. I was having a hard time grasping the power I had felt that had given me the courage to reclaim my life. But I didn’t want this life. I wanted my old life, my happy life. I wanted all the people I loved with me. Those people made me me. I wasn’t sure who I was anymore.
With the insertion of another super-plus tampon, I found myself once again on my bed in the fetal position, holding the heating pad to me like it was a lifeline. My stomach was growling, but I ignored it and tried not to think of the delicious dinner I was sure they were having at Mom and Dad’s. I bet they were talking about me. I couldn’t stand the thought. I pulled a pillow over my head hoping it would protect me from my thoughts. It didn’t help. I imagined James pleading his case and making everyone think he was the good guy because he wanted to work it out. He would fail to mention I’d been trying to work it out for months. Maybe they would all feel sorry enough for him that they would forget that he was carrying on an emotional affair with Claire. I imagined Mimsy beating down my door with a priest in tow and a fire hose of holy water.
Somewhere in my twisted imaginings, the blood loss and lack of sleep caught up to me. I fell into a fitful sleep where my dreams just kept up the torture. James was the main star; he and his younger women were all taunting me. They were trying to take away my kids. Then I was using the bathroom, and they were all watching me. I’d never felt so exposed in my life. Thankfully, someone knocked on my door and brought me out of my nightmare only to face the hell I was going through in real life.
“Yes?” I croaked, not even sure what time it was. Some light streamed through the blinds, but it was dimmer than when I had fallen asleep.
“Mom, Grandma’s here,” Jimmy informed me.
Sarah? Great. I didn’t need a lecture right now about the importance of marriage and why divorce was a sin. I sat up and before I could even run my fingers through my hair, I felt a whoosh of blood. I ran to the bathroom before I could respond to Jimmy. I hated my life right now.
While assuming my position for the day on the toilet, I sat there shaking while my life force drained out of me, literally. I felt like I would need a blood transfusion if this kept up. I should probably remind someone that I was O positive. I was sure James wouldn’t remember or even care at this point. How was I going to face Sarah?
A light rap on the bathroom door had me staring straight at the six-panel door separating me and the outside world. If I ever lived in another house, I was getting one with a toilet closet. I wanted the extra layer between me and everyone.
“Honey, it’s Sarah. Are you all right?”
I wish people would quit asking me that. Wasn’t it obvious I wasn’t? “No.”
“What can I do for you?”
“I need more tampons.” I felt like a teenager again, begging my mom to go to the store for me because I was too embarrassed to buy my own in case I saw someone I knew. It was so sad that as young women we could feel so ashamed about something that was a natural part of life. I wasn’t sure why I ever felt like that.
“I’ll send Sam for some. Just tell me what kind.”
“I don’t want to trouble anyone. I’ll get them.”
“You’re not getting rid of me, Avery. If you don’t tell me, I’ll just have Sam guess.”
Ugh. I guessed she saw right through me. “Anything super plus will do.”
“I’ll call her now, and when you’re done, I’ll bring dinner to you in bed.”
“You don’t need to do that,” I cried.
“I’ll be the judge of that.”
I heard her walk away. The wood floor in our bedroom creaked. It reminded me how old this house was getting. I couldn’t believe we’d lived here for over eighteen years. We moved in right before Matt was born. I’d spent many nights walking these floors with fussy babies. Back then this room had the cheap carpet the builder had put in it. Ten years ago, James and I put in the hardwood after the carpet had been worn so thin there were holes in it. The hardwood was our Christmas present to each other that year. James was always so proud after every home improvement project. The list never seemed to end, but the money always did, so we dealt with old laminate countertops in the kitchen and bathrooms and outdated appliances and fixtures. I didn’t mind because it wasn’t the house that made the home. But now everything felt ugly and dirty, even though you would be hard pressed to find a speck of dust in the house. If only there were a cleanser strong enough to wash away the darkness that had settled over us, you would find me on my hands and knees scrubbing until my fingers bled.
I took my time in the bathroom, afraid to face Sarah. I hadn’t even told my own mother what was going on. Oddly, Sarah had been more of a mother to me than my own. For whatever reason, Sarah and I bonded the moment we first met. I still remembered James bringing me home to meet his parents on our third date. I thought it was kind of soon, but he was anxious for me to meet his family. I connected with him and them so much it scared me. It was as if I had come home. That was the night I broke up with James. It was all too real. And we did have something real, and that’s why it felt like I was dying inside now. And because my uterus was erupting like a volcano.
I stared into the bathroom mirror at my red, puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. I was paler than pale. The weight I’d lost from stress made my cheekbones and crow’s-feet more pronounced. It wasn’t an attractive sight. No wonder I couldn’t arouse my husband. I splashed some cold water on my face and called it good. It was time to face the music, or my mother-in-law. Hopefully it didn’t end on a sour note. I couldn’t take being out of tune with another person today.
When I opened the door to my bathroom, Sarah was waiting for me with a tray in hand. I swallowed down my heart. That tray was only ever used by James and the kids on my birthday and Mother’s Day when I got breakfast in bed. He and the kids always made me a veggie omelet. James liked to pretend that he didn’t know how to cook, but he made better omelets than me. Why couldn’t I forget all the wonderful things he used to do?
“In bed,” Sarah kindly ordered.
I obeyed and crawled into bed, under my comforter and everything. I was freezing even though it was blazing hot outside.
Sarah placed the tray across my lap before she sat next to me. A whiff of her homemade chicken-and-gnocchi soup and baked bread hit me as she smoothed my brow. “Oh, dear, sweet daughter.”
The stupid tears were back, but this time because I was so happy that she still thought of me as her daughter. I closed my eyes and took comfort in her touch. After she smoothed my brow, she stroked my hair, which was a mess from lying on it all day.
“My beautiful Avery,” she said so tenderly.
I opened my eyes and found myself peering straight into her pale-blue eyes, which looked as if they had shed their own tears today.
“You were missed today,” she informed me.
“I’m sorry, I just—”
“Shh. You don’t need to explain. I just wanted you to know.”
I nodded my gratitude.
“You need to eat. You look about done for.”
I picked up my spoon. “Do you know if Jimmy ate?” I felt like an awful mom not making him dinner.
“I brought him the barbecue chicken and baked potatoes we had for dinner tonight.”
I stared down at my soup. “You didn’t need to make me anything special.”
“I think you earned that and more. Now eat.” She wasn’t an overly mushy woman unless her grandchildren were involved. Though she had been warmer since last year when she almost tore our family apart by exposing Delanie’s secret identity to the world. We were all shocked to find out that we were related to Autumn Moone, my favorite author. While I was thrilled, it seemed to throw James further into depression. He always compared himself to his siblings’ successes. He could never just be content with our life. A life I used to love so much.
Sarah watched me take a few bites of the delicious soup. It warmed my body and soul.
“This is wonderful, thank you,” I said between bites.
I saw the pity and worry in her eyes. I dropped the spoon in the bowl. “I really did try to make my marriage work.” I wanted her to know.
She picked up the tray and set it aside before wrapping me in her arms. My head fell on her shoulder, and I bathed it in my tears.
“I know you did. No one is doubting that,” she tried to soothe me. “I thought I raised my son better.” She rubbed my back. “I told him a long time ago when I found a Playboy magazine under his bed how degrading it was to women in general and how disrespectful it was to the women in his life.”
I leaned away from her. “Did he have a porn problem back then too?” Maybe this had been going on for much longer than I thought.
Sarah looked up to the ceiling as if she were looking for God. I wanted to say, If you find him, please send him my way. I had some words for him.
“I don’t know,” she sighed. “He was always the one to push the boundaries. I knew he wasn’t always a good boy, and he was no virgin, as I’m sure you know.”
“I knew that.”
Her eyes moistened. “You don’t know how happy I was when he brought you home. You changed him for the better. You showed him there was someone more important than himself. You don’t know how much I loved that you made him work for you.”
“I didn’t do that on purpose.”
“I know you didn’t, which is what made you perfect for him. I loved how delicately he treated you.”
“I used to love that too. He’s been anything but delicate for a long time.”
“I’ve noticed. I wish you would have said something earlier. I’ve been trying not to meddle in my children’s relationships.” She gave me a half smile.
“I didn’t know what to say, and James promised me he would handle it. He made me think it wasn’t a big deal and I was making too much out of it. But then . . . Claire happened.”
Sarah’s face pinched, making her wrinkles more pronounced. “I’m sick over it. He knew better.”
“I thought so, too, but this addiction has a hold on him. It’s something he won’t face or talk to me about. I’ve tried and tried, but I can’t anymore. Please don’t hate me.”
She placed both her hands on my cheeks. Her hands were warm and soft. “Listen to me, Avery: you will always be my daughter. You will always be a Decker. I won’t lose you too. There were far too many empty seats at the table today. Know you always have a place there.”
“Thank you.”
She kissed my forehead. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Chapter Eleven
Sam snuggled under the covers with me like we were having a sleepover. It took some maneuvering on her part due to her pregnant belly. “Mimsy was on one today.”
Delanie snickered. She was nursing and rocking Jonah in the corner on the old rocking chair James had made with his own hands. It had been waiting for me with a big blue bow on it when I returned home from the hospital with a tiny Matt in my arms. The cherrywood ladder-back chair had seen many sleepless nights for James and me. James, though sometimes part Neanderthal and wannabe tough guy, could be as gentle as a teddy bear, especially when it came to our babies. There was nothing more attractive than seeing him rock them to sleep. I had to stop thinking about it. About him. It was impossible, I think. I had spent almost a quarter of a century with him. Over half my life. I hardly remembered a me without him.
I tried to focus on my sisters-in-law, who had decided I needed more than tampons. There were chocolates and flowers on my nightstand, but more importantly, there was their presence. Sarah had left to give us some girl time, as she put it.
Sam forced my head onto her shoulder. She wasn’t going to let me push her away, and I loved her for it. I snuggled into her. I missed affection, so much so I had thought of getting a puppy. But I was too tired to clean up any more crap, real or figurative.
“What did Mimsy do today?” I asked Sam.
“Let’s just say, I know way more about my grandparents than I ever wanted to know.”
“Do I even want to know?”
“Oh, you’re going to know.” Delanie held Jonah against her to burp him. “If I have to have those images in my head, so do you.”
I cringed, knowing how crass Mimsy could be.
Sam rubbed her tummy. I could see Mia kicking. It was a beautiful sight.
“So,”—Sam shifted some—“apparently my grandpa liked to look at pinup girls, and Mimsy solved that by having a bunch of ‘nudies,’ as she called them, taken of herself as a gift. She suggested that James have some taken of you just like Delanie and Peter had done.” Sam giggled.
We knew Peter and Delanie didn’t really have nude photos of themselves hanging up in their attic. But no matter how many times we told Mimsy that Delanie was only teasing Sarah about that, she didn’t believe it. However, that wasn’t the most important tidbit here.
“Why did Mimsy bring that up?” I hated to ask.
“You know Mimsy,” Sam said. “She thinks divorce is the deadliest sin. She told James if he ended up divorced, she was cutting him out of her will, so she suggested this as an alternative. She also mentioned that if she had to guess correctly, you would look great naked. And she couldn’t figure out why James wanted to look at other naked women when he had you.”
“Ugh,” I groaned. “Please tell me Matt wasn’t there when she said that.”
“Matt was there.” Delanie patted Jonah’s back. “James and Matt got up to leave, but Dad wouldn’t let them. He looked around the table and stopped at all the empty spots and teared up. He said, ‘No one else leaves this table.’ Then he turned to James and said, ‘You better damn well try your best to make sure Avery and Jimmy return. You’ve made a hell of a mess, son.’”
My head popped off Sam’s shoulder. “I’m assuming James didn’t take that well.”
“He didn’t leave,” Sam answered, “but he was quiet and kept his head down the entire time. Honestly, it was a pretty quiet dinner, which only lent fuel to Mimsy’s fire. She started going on and on about how Giovanni, a.k.a Jerry the Felon, wanted to watch pornos with her and take pictures of her, but she said unless he put a ring on it, he wasn’t getting the pleasure.”
I almost threw up in my mouth. “Ew.”
“Ew is right.” Delanie shuddered. “Unfortunately, that wasn’t all.”
Sam sniggered. “Apparently Mimsy accidentally flashed him her boobs.”
“Um . . . how do you accidentally flash someone your boobs?” I asked.
Delanie stood and bounced Jonah, trying to get him to go to sleep. “Well . . . according to Mimsy, she forgot to wear a bra, and she wore a shorter shirt. Let’s just say when she lifted her arms, gravity got the best of her girls.”
We all busted out laughing, making poor little Jonah startle. Delanie cradled her sweet bundle and spoke soft words to him until he stopped fussing. She was a natural-born mother.
“Jerry is still in prison, right?” I asked. Jerry, who was posing as Giovanni, had been preying on vulnerable older women in assisted living facilities and bilking them for thousands. Mimsy was one of his victims. He got busted, though, when he tried to capitalize on the whole outing of Delanie as Autumn Moone. He and Mimsy went on a press tour of sorts, and his past caught up to him. He was recognized by several law enforcement agencies. It was the reason Mimsy now lived with Mom and Dad. We were all afraid of her being taken advantage of again.
“Thank goodness he’s still behind bars.” Sam tried to push one of Mia’s feet out of her ribs. “But Ma said that Mimsy wants to write to him in prison.”
I scrunched my face. “Seriously?”
“It’s not that uncommon.” Delanie sat on the edge of my bed. “Victims often stay or return to the abuser or offender. I think Mimsy was probably lonelier than we thought. Jerry obviously filled some void, as awful as he was.”
“I don’t want to be that woman,” I quietly admitted. “I can honestly see why women stay in bad situations. If only the feelings of love would disappear.” I turned into Sam.
Sam gave me a squeeze. “I know,” she cried. “I remember feeling that way about Neil after I found out about his affair with Roxie. I hated him so much, but I was afraid about what everyone would think if I left him. And I didn’t want to be humiliated by everyone finding out he’d cheated on me.”
“Is that why you tried to work it out with Neil at the beginning?”
“One of the reasons,” she sighed. “I loved him. After everything he had done. I loved him. And I believed in marriage. Obviously, it was before I found out his supposed one-time affair was a full-blown relationship and he was having a baby with Roxie. But even that didn’t stop me from loving him. It only made me bury those feelings and resent him more. But I had to learn to feel them and own them. There was no moving on until I did.”
