Strings Attached, page 20
Nikki could relate to having parents who dismissed their child’s dreams, but at least hers were there for her in almost every other way. Poor Drew. Amazing, beautiful Drew. Who loved to teach and pass on her love of music to others. Who showed her father love and devotion on a daily basis. Whose heart was tortured with bitterness and fear because of her mother’s neglect. Bitterness she’s projecting onto me.
“Okay, now I understand you a little better, but you didn’t let me finish. I’ll admit I sacrificed a lot of things.” She sighed. “But never people, Drew. In fact, other than the one I had in high school, I’ve never had a steady girlfriend. When I went to college and we put the band together, I swore off relationships. You want to know why? Because I didn’t want to have to choose between the band and a lover. Back then, the band would’ve won every time.” She dropped onto the couch and began flipping the corner of the armrest cover up and down. “If I’d had a girlfriend, it wouldn’t have been fair to her.”
Drew’s features softened, and she joined her on the couch. “Don’t you see? You did the same thing my mother did. You sacrificed love, too.”
Nikki shook her head. “No.” I sacrificed Jaymi’s love. Except Jaymi’s love was never hers to sacrifice. It was her own needs she’d sacrificed. For the band. Maybe Drew was right. She couldn’t admit it to her, though. It would only feed her doubts. Drew was finally opening up, and she felt herself shutting down.
If she was finally being honest with herself, she needed to be honest with Drew, too. “Maybe.”
“Maybe?”
“Once.”
“Once what?”
“I loved someone.”
Drew turned and tucked one leg beneath her. “And?”
“And I put the band first. Things were taking off, and I couldn’t pass up my break. I made the mistake of assuming she’d still be available, that I had time to…wait.”
The corner of Drew’s lip quirked up. “Us and our damned assumptions.”
“Ironic, isn’t it?” They chuckled. “I’m glad things turned out the way they did, or I might not be here with you now.” She never thought she’d ever say that and mean it, but it was true. She looked at Drew, and her heart filled with a desire she’d never felt before. Not even for Jaymi.
Drew said, “Sometimes, irony plays to your advantage.”
“I’m glad you feel that way.”
Drew smiled, but it didn’t last. “You asked me earlier what I want. It’s not that I don’t know what I want, Nikki. I’m afraid of wanting what I can’t have. So, asking me to voice it…it feels as though I’m setting myself up to get hurt. Saying it out loud makes it real.”
“I know the feeling.” Nikki reached for Drew’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “I share one part of who I am with our fans—my talent. I won’t lie, having them love me back for that talent is an amazing feeling. I love being a performer. But once I walk off that stage, that’s as far as the love goes. It’s just adoration from strangers, nothing more.” She choked down the lump crawling up her throat. For the second time in Drew’s presence, her eyes watered. “It used to be enough.”
Drew moved closer and cupped her cheek. “And now?”
“It’s not even close.”
“Why is that?”
A plethora of reasons ping-ponged around in her brain. How could she even begin to answer that question? She searched Drew’s eyes as she awaited her response, and before she could stop herself she blurted, “I want someone to love me for who I am off the stage.”
They both fell silent. She wasn’t ready to open that can of worms, and she was fairly certain Drew wasn’t either.
Chapter Thirty
Drew sensed that Nikki wanted to say more. She dared not guess what it was. Doing so would stir feelings she wasn’t ready to face. This conversation was the closest they’d gotten to discussing their relationship and where it might or might not be going. She’d had no idea Nikki longed for something serious.
Nikki was looking down at their joined hands. Though she was silent, it felt as if she was wrestling with what she wanted to say. Or if she wanted to say it. She’d finally opened up about someone she’d loved. Though she didn’t go into much detail or say who it was, it didn’t matter. Considering what she’d told Nikki about her mother, it had taken guts for Nikki to admit as much as she had. What matters is that she’s glad to be here with me now.
Drew lifted Nikki’s chin to look her in the eye. Her expression was soft and sad. Then her stomach growled loudly, and they smiled at each other.
“I guess that means it’s lunch time.” Drew kissed her cheek, the moment broken. “If you get the soup on the stove, I’ll make the grilled cheeses.” She headed toward the kitchen with Fret at her heels.
“I’m supposed to be taking care of you,” Nikki said as Drew handed her the pans.
“You’ve been taking care of me since last night. The headache is gone. I feel fine.” She grabbed the butter and cheese out of the fridge and set to work on assembling the sandwiches. “In fact, I feel well enough to go back to work tomorrow.”
Nikki gave her a stern look. “No dice, sweetheart. You have doctor’s orders to stay home and rest. Take advantage of it.”
Drew’s heart danced a little jig at the term of endearment, even if it wasn’t meant as such.
“Your father and Geena both said you never take vacations, so here’s your chance.” She poured two cans of soup into the pot and flipped on the burner.
“And who’s gonna stop me?”
Nikki squared her shoulders. “I am. I’ll hide your keys and whisk you off to a place far, far away if I have to.”
Drew grinned. “Oh really?” She liked the sound of that. A vacation trip would be wonderful. If it wasn’t the week before Thanksgiving, that is.
“Hey. Where’d that smile go?”
“I’ll admit that’s very tempting, but you know it’s not possible this time of year.”
Nikki took out bowls and plates from a cupboard. Amazing how quickly and easily she’d learned her way around Drew’s kitchen. “Looks like I have more work to do in the ‘boosting your confidence’ department. You’ve finally learned how to take a compliment, but,” she held Drew’s face in her hands, “I might have to make it my mission to show you that anything is possible if you want it bad enough.”
They were back to talking about wants. Maybe Nikki was right. She’d grown cynical and pessimistic. Working within the safety net of her father’s business and the pain of her mother’s neglect had derailed some of her own ambitions. Maybe those ambitions weren’t as lofty as becoming a rock star, but they were no less important. Didn’t I just say that an hour ago? That my dreams were important, too?
She flipped over the sandwiches. “You’re right.”
“Of course I am.” Nikki poured milk in two glasses and added spoons and crackers to the table. “I may not be a professional teacher like you, but I’m damned good at bringing out the best in people. Just ask my coworkers.”
They sat down to eat. Coworkers? The band. Right. She hadn’t really thought of them that way before, but that’s exactly what they were. Before she could comment, Nikki continued.
“Would you believe when we first met, Jaymi was scared shitless to get on a stage?” She spooned soup into her mouth. “Once she got up there and got going, she wasn’t bad. She’d do okay playing and singing, but that was it. She played. She sang. She was…I guess technically competent is the best way to describe it. But I helped transform her into a performer.” She tore off a bite of her grilled cheese. “Now look at her. She’s incredible. And Shawn…well, her confidence—musically speaking, anyway—was in the toilet when she came back from California.” She grinned. “Shawn had no problem putting me in my place when it came to other matters, though.”
Nikki’s love for Jaymi and Shawn was sweet and evidence of her devotion to those she cared about. She was beginning to believe that Nikki would probably be equally devoted to a lover. Maybe even more so. “With that kind of passion, it’s no wonder the band is so successful.”
“Passion is what it’s all about. It’s also about fun. Why do you think we named the band Passion Play?” Nikki slurped her soup. “Kay used to hide in the shadows next to Brian’s drum set. She knew she could play circles around any bass player out there, but she hated the spotlight. Then she started writing songs with us. Next thing you know, she had the itch to sing lead on a few of them.”
Drew couldn’t contain her smile. She knew where this story was heading, and the pride in Nikki’s voice was inspiring. “Let me guess. You helped her overcome her anxieties.”
Nikki’s eyes sparkled. “Damn right I did. Now she plays and sings right up on the front line with the rest of us. She’s one fucking talented woman, I tell you. Bassists don’t get enough credit and neither do drummers, but we’d be nothing without her and Brian, who also, by the way, is one of the most rock steady drummers I’ve ever heard.”
They cleared the table and got comfortable on the couch again. “You can’t have a tight sound without a strong rhythm section.”
Nikki nodded as she stretched her legs out in front of her with her ankles crossed. Drew sat next to her and tucked her legs beneath her. Fret took the empty end, and to her surprise, Vinnie cautiously entered the room and hopped up on his favorite spot on the back of the couch behind her head. Andres stretched, yawned widely, and sauntered out of the room. She heard him crunching on kibble in the kitchen.
A comfortable silence grew between them. It was sinking in that she rarely had the luxury of a few days off in a row with no obligations, and it felt good. Nikki looked at her with hooded eyes and a small smile. It occurred to her that Nikki might not have gotten a good night’s sleep last night as she had claimed, being in a strange place and most likely worrying about her. Had Nikki worried about her? Having someone around who worried about her felt good, too.
“Why don’t you put on some music?” Nikki asked, discounting Drew’s assumption that she might want a nap.
“What do you want to hear?” Drew got up and powered on the stereo.
“Something on vinyl.” The corners of her mouth curled up slightly. God, she was sexy. “Surprise me.”
She ran her fingers over the spines until she saw what she wanted. She put on the album, set the volume on low, and settled back in next to Nikki—a little closer this time.
“Ah. Nat King Cole. One of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the planet.” Nikki draped her arm across Drew’s shoulders.
She relished how safe she felt with Nikki holding her. She grew warm against her body. It was barely two in the afternoon, yet she struggled to keep her eyes open. She didn’t want to succumb to sleep. Her desire to keep talking and getting to know each other niggled at her mind.
Drew said, “Dad almost named me after him, but Mother wouldn’t hear of it. She wanted something more unconventional. Typical Hollywood diva.” Her last sentence tasted as sour as it sounded.
“You don’t like your name?”
“Oh, I like it all right. It suits me better, especially since it’s unisex, and I turned out to be a lesbian. Not that lesbians don’t have typically girlie names. You know what I mean.”
“I love your name.” Nikki shifted and gave her a quick kiss. “I think it’s sexy.”
Drew’s face grew warm.
“You’re so cute when you blush.” Nikki rubbed their noses together. “Now, be a good girl and thank me for the compliment.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
She cuddled a little closer, resting her arm across Nikki’s stomach. “I envy your confidence.”
Nikki’s belly bounced in silent laughter. “Don’t. Sometimes I think it would’ve been better if I’d had to work harder for it than to eat all the humble pie I’ve swallowed from being overconfident. I’m sorry your mother didn’t do more to boost yours. You’re a good person, Drew, and very talented, too. Teaching is a gift that should never go unappreciated.”
“You’re sweet.”
“I mean it. I’ve taken my confidence for granted because it’s in my blood. I have to give my parents most of the credit, really. My father was the perfect role model, as far as how to channel your energies to make your own success. My mother’s loyalty to him was unyielding. She made sure he never had to worry about anything so he could focus on his work.
“They paired me with the best music teachers. They praised my progress every step of the way, pushed me to always give one hundred percent, supported me in everything—well, until I got older and ditched the classical music path they had set out for me.” She chuckled with a hint of bitterness.
“I’d say you’ve done okay with the path you chose. They must be proud of you.”
Nikki let out a long breath. “If they are, they’ve never said so.”
Drew was astounded. How could her parents not be proud of her? Nikki was a huge success. She was a gifted musician with millions of adoring fans. The support she gave her bandmates and her drive to succeed were two of the biggest reasons Passion Play was as good as they were and most likely key to them garnering the attention that got them signed to a record deal in the first place.
“Nikki?”
“Yeah?”
“Just because they don’t say it doesn’t mean they aren’t proud of you.”
Nikki shrugged. “My father hates to admit when he’s wrong. I think it has more to do with that than anything.”
Drew didn’t want to stereotype, but she thought that sounded typical of politicians. Side One ended, adding a convenient pause to their conversation. She reluctantly slipped out from beneath Nikki’s arm and turned the record over. When she turned around, Nikki was right behind her, holding her arms out as an invitation.
She melted into the embrace, and they danced, Nikki singing along to “The Very Thought of You.” Drew lost herself in the awesome combination of music and the gorgeous woman in her arms. Nikki was so much more than the cocky, flirtatious celebrity that swaggered into her shop almost a month ago. She was selfless, caring, and loyal. She was confident and strong, yet she’d also chosen to show Drew a side of herself that was sweet, funny, and vulnerable.
Nikki was working her way into her heart. She couldn’t deny it, and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to. How many relationships had she missed out on because she assumed they’d all turn out like her parents’ marriage?
Story of my life, isn’t it? I’ve always played it safe, and where has it gotten me? A job that I enjoy but barely puts food on the table and—aside from the gratification of teaching—leaves me feeling frustrated much of the time. A tepid existence of “work-eat-sleep” and then do it all over again. A nearly nonexistent social life. No dates. No romance. No sex life. She laughed inwardly. Outside of work, she interacted with her cats more than people.
Maybe she needed to push aside her resentments and fears and past failures and stop using them as excuses for settling for less. Her heart had been dormant for ages. Maybe it was time to break out of her comfort zone, which had gone from safe to suffocating.
The song ended, and Nikki gently lifted her hair away from her forehead. She examined the bruise. “How are you feeling?” Nikki spoke gently, completely unaware of the epiphanies forging a path through Drew’s subconscious walls.
“Okay.” She needed to add a few thousand words to her reply, but assembling them into a single sentence that made sense was impossible at the moment.
“You sure? You look…I don’t know. Like you’re either in pain or you’re trying very hard to make up your mind about something.”
She shook her head. How does Nikki do that? “I’m fine, really. A little overwhelmed, that’s all, with…this.” She motioned back and forth between them.
Nikki smiled sleepily. “Me too.” She stroked Drew’s cheek. “I understand why you have reservations about dating me.” Her gaze wandered momentarily before settling on Drew’s eyes again. “I really like you, Drew, but I won’t lie. I’m gone for half the year. I worry that you’d rather be with someone who’s around all the time. I worry that I won’t be enough.” She inhaled deeply and slowly released it. “I want to be worth waiting for,” she nearly whispered.
Drew’s heart threatened to burst through her chest. She put one hand behind Nikki’s head and pulled her down into a kiss. To let the moment go without kissing her would have been a crime. Nikki enfolded her, deepening the kiss, solidifying the connection as their tongues found each other, stroking softly and sweetly, as she pulled Drew closer.
Drew moaned when Nikki’s hand slid under her shirt and caressed her back with a touch that raised goose bumps over her entire body. Drew moved her other hand across Nikki’s bare stomach. She swore she could feel Nikki’s heartbeat speed up, and Drew hastily cupped one breast and ran her thumb across the nipple protruding through the silk bra.
“Oh God,” Nikki gasped, breaking the kiss just long enough to catch her breath before claiming Drew’s lips again, this time with a possessive force.
Nikki seemed to collapse in her arms as Drew rolled the firm nub between her finger and thumb and then yanked at Nikki’s waist with her other hand. Their centers crashed together, and Drew could feel her own wetness.
“God, Drew. Your kisses set me on fire.”
Drew couldn’t explain the powerful need pulling at her. Nikki’s vulnerability today—and her willingness to share it with her—had chipped away at some of her fears. The confidence Nikki had in her and the gentle way she’d managed to get her to open up had touched on a need she’d been suppressing for far too long.
They made out in the middle of the living room until the turntable was once again silent. Drew pulled back. “Wow.”
Nikki took a moment, her chest heaving. “Yeah.”
“Can I ask you something?”
