Cold Turkey, page 6
“He went home?” I gasped. “And just left me here?”
I knew that what Maya had said made Ethan uncomfortable, but I never thought he’d be so uncomfortable that he’d leave me at a bar by myself! When I had to go back to his house?
Was he seriously that worried about me? What did he think, I was gonna jump his ass in the car? I was going to kiss him as soon as we were alone? He had no legitimate reason to run away like this.
I was hurt. Extremely fucking hurt—we were supposed to be best friends. He was supposed to trust me. He wasn’t supposed to run away like a God damn coward, scared that I was going to force some kind of romance on him.
“How could he do that?” I continued. “Just leave me here like this?”
“It’s completely my fault,” Maya said. “Don’t be mad at him, please. I’ve made this bad enough without causing you two fighting.”
“Hey, you did nothing wrong!” I told her seriously. “He’s the one acting like a child about this.”
“He’s just embarrassed…” she said softly.
This only hurt my feelings more.
“Why? Why is it so embarrassing, the thought of being with me? That shouldn’t make him so humiliated that he runs home.”
I was disgusted. More than disgusted, actually. Everything I ever thought I knew about our relationship was shattered. I thought he trusted me. I thought he wasn’t ashamed of me. I mean, he dated men for crying out loud! What was so bad about me?
“Is that what you think? That he’s embarassed of you? Daniel, it’s the exact opposite!”
My drunk brain was not following. “What do you mean?”
“He’s embarrassed! But not because of you! Daniel, he loves you.”
“Loves me… like a best friend or loves me like…”
“He’s in love with you, Daniel. He’s been in love with you since high school.”
I shook my head. “Maya, that can’t be true, that…”
“It is. I swear to you, it is. Trust me. I’ve never seen him like anyone the way he likes you. I mean, we haven’t really kept in touch in adulthood but… But I see the way he looks at you when you’re turned around. It's the same way he always looks at you. And the fight we just had! He’s horrified that I told you.”
I thought the first time I heard Daniel actually had feelings about me, I’d be thrilled. But for some reason, I was finding myself infuriated.
“But why would he be horrified?” I didn’t like that—that was some middle school shit. If he had feelings for me, why wouldn’t he just tell me?
Actually, yeah, that pretty accurately summed up why I was so mad. Because why didn’t he tell me? If he’d loved me since high school, then….
Fuck! I could have been loving him all these years. Our lives could have been so different if he just had the courage…
“He thought you didn’t feel the same way.” Maya defended him, clearly able to see how angry I was. “He didn't want to ruin the friendship you two had.”
“But we could have had so much more…” I mumbled.
“To be fair,” Maya continued, “it didn’t seem like you did like him. I mean, I even asked you about it…”
“Wait,” I said, everything suddenly clicking in my head. “Did you do that… for him? Did he ask you to find out how I felt?”
Her face immediately pinked up and I knew the truth, even if she couldn’t force the words out of her mouth.
"God damnit,” I muttered. “But of course I didn’t tell you! I didn’t want word to get out. I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.”
“But see!” Maya said quickly. “You didn't want to ruin the friendship either. You did the exact same thing he did.”
“No.” I shook my head. “It's not the same at all, Maya. I didn't tell him because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. He was straight! From what I knew, he was always straight. It would have been fucked up to push myself on him when I knew he never would be interested in me like that. I was respecting his boundaries… But he knew I was gay! He should have known he’d have a chance with me…”
“Daniel, don’t be upset, please,” Maya said, obviously not able to come up with any more defenses for him.
“Maya, I’m not mad at you, I’m really not,” I said, trying to keep my voice even.
“But you’re mad at Ethan, right?”
“Absolutely,” I said quietly.
“But Daniel—”
“No, Maya, you don’t get it! We were supposed to tell each other everything. And instead, he went behind my back to try to ask you if I liked him. He was fake with me… He was fake with me for so very long.”
Maya didn’t say anything more. Just hung her head, embarrassed. She did have a part in tricking me all those years ago, so she didn’t have much else to say. But I oddly wasn’t pissed at her over that. She wasn’t nearly as close to me as Ethan. It was he who was supposed to tell me anything.
I knew it was years ago, it was high school. He was a kid. He wasn’t mature enough. But I still couldn’t help feeling betrayed. And we weren’t kids now…. And still he was embarrassed for me to know how I felt about him.
He needed to grow up!
Still, I didn’t think anything he’d done really justified the amount of anger I currently felt… I knew I shouldn’t have been as mad as I was. I think the real reason I was so angry was because… I don’t know. It was just an overwhelming amount of emotions. And I wanted to blame someone for the fact that we didn’t get to spend all those years together… Right now, it felt like his fault.
Without warning, rain started beating down on both of our heads. Shit, it had to rain right now? After that whole scene, there was no way I was walking back into that bar.
I pulled out my cell phone.
“What are you doing?” Maya asked quickly.
“I’m calling Ethan,” I said as I dialed his number. The phone rang only once before he picked up.
“Hello?” he asked nervously.
Without missing a beat, I snapped at him.
“Drive back here and pick me up from this damn bar.”
6
Ethan
I marched out of the bar, anger and fear both coursing through me. I didn’t even know why I walked out. It wasn’t the mature or smart thing to do.
But it was like an automatic reaction. I felt the need to suddenly… escape.
Of course, I should have known escape was not possible. To my frustration, Maya followed me out of the bar.
… And Daniel didn’t.
I wasn’t expecting him to chase after me or anything. That’d be dramatic and stupid but… I guess a part of me was hoping he’d try to stop me. To tell me everything was okay, that my feelings for him were fine.
He wasn’t going to do that.
“Ethan, wait!” Maya said.
“How could you do that, Maya?” I snapped at her.
“It was an honest mistake!” she said quickly.
“You know, this was the exact thing I was worried about when you invited us out here. That somebody would spill my feelings to him… But I didn’t think it would be you! I thought it would be one of my old idiot friends! I thought you were smarter than that.”
Ouch, I was being unnecessarily harsh. It really was an honest mistake. This was another thing alcohol tended to do to me. It made me a bit of an asshole when I got mad.
“I’m so sorry, Ethan! I really thought you guys were together! I mean, didn’t you say he was staying at your house for Thanksgiving? Why else would he do that?”
“He didn’t come into town for me! He came for his parents, and they didn’t tell him they had moved. I found him moping out in front of his house and I invited him over. I haven’t talked to him in years!”
“Oh my God…” she mumbled. “Ethan, I really am sorry. But I’m sure it’ll be fine—”
I shook my head. “This isn’t going to be fine. There’s a reason he’s still back in the bar. This has ruined things. And he’s still gotta stay at my house for the rest of the damn weekend.”
I’d never been more humiliated than I was right now.
I pulled out my phone and started to call a taxi.
“Who are you calling?”
“A cab,” I said shortly. “I have to get out of here.”
“What? You can’t just run off! He’s staying at your house, Ethan! You have to go talk to him.”
“No. I don’t. You talk to him. You try to explain it away as a harmless comment or something.”
“Uh, that’s going to be a lot harder to do if you’ve left him at a bar.”
I ignored her as the cab company answered. “Hi, yes, I need a pick up at Rodey’s,” I said quickly.
“Ethan, stop!”
But I ignored her.
My cab was there in minutes. The entire time, Maya was trying to get me to stay and talk to Daniel. But how the hell could I do that?! He was going to hate me.
And me leaving wasn’t going to help. It was a bad choice, I knew it, but I was drunk and I wanted to get out of there so damn bad.
Maya grabbed my hand as I started to get into the cab, but I jerked it away quickly and slammed the door behind me.
Already, I was starting to feel guilty for the way I was treating Maya. I should have stepped out and apologized, but I was so fucking embarrassed.
“Where to?” the cab driver asked.
I gave him my address and he pulled off. I could see Maya leaning against the building of the bar, crying. Man, I was a fucking prick.
I watched her the entire time we pulled out of the parking lot; it was a large lot and there were people walking out between the cars so it took a minute. Just as we were about to pull out, I could see the bar door open in the rear view.
Daniel walked out.
My heart started pounding as soon as I saw him. What the hell had I done?
I was acting like a child. What the hell was I going to say when he came back to my house? This wasn’t a problem I could run away from. But, of course, I was still trying to.
Maybe he wouldn’t be staying the rest of this weekend. This might have really scared him off. And while him leaving would save me the awkwardness of the coming weekend, that was actually a worse scenario for me. The thought of him walking away again…
I think that was really what I was running away from. Not my embarrassment, but the fact that in the very near future I’d have to be rejected by a man that I’d been in love with since I was a child. And this time when we said goodbye, it would be for good.
We had almost reached my house when I got a call. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to see Daniel’s name flashing on the screen.
I felt like I might puke, and it wasn’t the alcohol.
“Hello?” I answered, my voice wavering.
“Drive back here and pick me up from this damn bar,” he said coldly.
Fuck.
“Daniel, I’m sorry, I—”
“Just come pick me up,” he said before hanging up.
I sighed and addressed the taxi driver. “Would you mind driving back to the bar?”
Of course he didn’t, it was more money in his pocket. But I minded quite a bit.
This wasn’t the reaction I had been hoping for… Or even expecting, honestly.
I knew that Daniel wasn’t going to be happy to discover how I felt about him. But I never thought he’d be downright angry with me. But that was what I heard in his voice, rage.
Yeah, he was definitely going to fucking leave tonight.
I felt sick the whole way back to the bar. It had began raining, showering the car with fat drops of water. Great, at least the weather now matched my mood.
Daniel was still standing outside of the bar when we arrived. I couldn’t see Maya anywhere; she must have gone back inside. Which would have made sense, because he was soaking wet.
I scooted over in the back of the cab, allowing him to come in and take a seat. I’d never seen his face look this way before… He was absolutely filled with rage for me right now.
At first, we both said nothing. I told the cab driver to take us back to the same address, and we were quiet as we exited the parking lot.
Daniel avoided my gaze, choosing instead to watch the rain drops race each other down his window.
I had to be the one to speak first. This was my issue.
“Daniel, I’m so sorry,” I said softly.
“How could you do that?” he snapped. “Just leave me at the bar like that? Standing in the rain, wondering where the hell you went like an idiot?”
I sighed. “I don’t know, I just… panicked. I knew you weren’t going to be happy and I had to go. Although, I have to say, I didn’t expect this level of anger. I can’t control how I feel, Daniel.”
He jerked his head toward me. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means, I get that you’re upset and I’m not saying you don’t have a right to be. But try to be understanding. This hurts me, you know.”
“You think this doesn’t hurt me? I’m the one who should be fucking hurt here!”
“You’re hurt?” I asked. “Because I like you? Well, I’m sorry my feelings are that much of a fucking downer for you.” What started out as a genuine apology had turned into me being completely defensive.
“Is that what you think this is?” he bit back. “You think I’m mad because you like me?”
“What else could it be?”
I saw rage in his eyes. But he didn’t speak to me next. Instead, he turned to the cab driver.
“Can you pull over, please?” he said coolly, not making eye contact with me.
“Uh, are you sure?” the driver asked hesitantly.
“Positive,” he said, pulling cash out of his wallet and tossing him the fee that read on his dashboard.
“Daniel, stop. Just come back to my house and talk to me!” I said desperately, completely confused. This conversation had taken a turn I wasn’t expecting.
He ignored me. He stepped out of the car as soon as it was pulled over. Walking out into the rain, into this empty field of nothing.
I knew he didn’t want me to, but I had to follow him. I couldn’t leave him out here like this! And I had to get answers. If he wasn’t mad about how I felt, what was he mad about?”
I hopped out of the cab, following him even though he was walking in circles.
“Daniel, talk to me!” I pleaded.
He whipped around, staring at me angrily. “How could you do this to us?” he asked.
“Do what to us? I don’t see how this affects our friendship at all!” I defended. “You’ve been gone for years. You left this town, remember? And you left me behind to rot in it. Not the other way around! My feelings aren’t what killed this relationship!”
“Yeah, they are!” he argued. “Your cowardice, your fear! I mean, fuck, Ethan. I thought we told each other everything. I thought I knew all of you. And then I found out I knew less about you than some of our other friends. You had Maya ask me about you? To see if I like you?”
My face burned up. “She told you that, too?” I asked, my anger at her flaring up again.
“Oh no!” he said seriously. “Don’t do that! Don’t you dare blame her for this. It was an accident, it was all an accident. You have no right to be mad at her! You’re the one who had all the secrets.”
“Fine!” I relented. “You’re right, okay! I fucked up. I wasn’t honest with you. It’s not Maya’s fault. I was a shitty friend, all right? Is that what you want to hear? I wasn’t a good best friend to you. I should have been honest. But you have to understand how hard that would have been! To tell you how I feel? To have risked your rejection and ruined our entire friendship? I cared so much about you!”
He wiped either tears or rain out of his eyes, I couldn’t tell which. “If you cared so much, you should have cared enough to tell the truth!”
“Well, why?” I argued. “What difference would it have made? You left, Daniel! You walked away from me. How would telling you the truth change the future of our relationship? If anything, you would have left sooner.”
“No!” he snapped. “That’s not fucking true! It would have made all the difference!”
I no longer had any idea what he was talking about.
“How?”
“I would have stayed, you fucking idiot! I would have stayed here in this shit town if it meant I got to keep you.”
I wasn’t even sure I was hearing him right. It was like my heart stopped.
“What…? But why…”
“I loved you! I have always fucking loved you!” He was screaming now. “And you know what? If I had known you were into men, I would have gone for it! I would have told you! But I knew you were straight and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I didn’t think that would be fair but… But it was different for you! You knew I loved men! You should have said something! Why didn’t you say something?”
“I… I really didn’t think you felt the same…” I said softly.
“Why? Because that’s what Maya told you?”
“No!” I said harshly again. “Because when you came out to me, you said nothing! I thought your confession about being gay was going to be a confession about loving me. But when you said nothing about me… I knew you couldn’t have felt for me what I felt for you.”
“Well you were wrong,” he said, no longer yelling but still sounding extremely cold. “And you took that away from us. You took a whole future away from us. We could have been happy together. Maybe I would have been stuck here, but I would have been with you and it would have been enough for me. We could have had a family by now. Do you know how many guys I’ve dated? How long I’ve been searching for the feeling that I only ever had with you? And this whole damn time…”
I walked closer to him, reaching out to touch his arm. “Daniel…”
He jerked his arm back.
“I loved you so much. Everything I’ve ever wanted, I had with you. I didn’t run off because I didn’t want to be your friend, Daniel. I left because it was the only way I knew how to get over you. And I still never did.” He turned away from me.
