I felt like a fucking idiot. He was making me feel so stupid for assuming he’d want to be with me… But I wasn’t an idiot! And I wasn’t overly needy in my relationships! The only reason I assumed he wanted to be with me was because he acted like he did.

  More than acted, he confessed to me that I was the only man he ever loved. He wanted a future with me! I wasn’t imaging this.

  “This is totally out of left field for me. Everything you said…”

  “Look, forget everything I said. Don’t try to make sense of everything I said in the past. Just focus on this… I don’t know what I want right now. And there is no way I have the time to figure it out right now. My mother could be fucking dying.”

  For a moment, my complete and utter surprise had made me forget everything else. Even the hospital hallway seemed to fade out of view.

  “You’re right,” I told him, hiding my hurt. I knew he was going through so much more. “We can talk about this later.”

  “Great, see you later,” he said coldly.

  “Do… Do you really want me to go back to the house?” I asked. “Because I don’t have to. Even if you don’t know what you want to do yet, I don’t have to. I can stay here with you. I don’t want you to be alone.”

  “I’ll be fine. I’m not alone. I have my family,” he said, nodding toward his mother’s hospital room.

  His sister was still crying in her father’s arms. I didn’t think they’d be much support. Ethan was the strong one in this scenario and I didn’t want him to have to be strong with no support.

  “Okay,” I said. “If you want me to go back to the house, fine.”

  “I do.” The vitriol in his voice stung.

  I didn’t know what else there was to say. I almost wanted to tell him I was there for him no matter what, that he could talk to me… but it didn’t feel right. I didn’t think he’d take it well.

  So I said nothing, not even bye. I just walked my way back down the hospital hallway.

  Though I didn’t tell him to, not wanting to make him angrier, I hoped that he would call me if there was any news about his mother.

  I knew she wasn’t my mother and I had no right to ask for information. Especially when her own kids were hurting so deeply. But I was aching too.

  It was nothing compared to Ethan and Ashley’s pain, I knew that. I couldn’t even imagine what they were going through. Like, I really couldn’t imagine, because if it was my mom, it wouldn’t be the same thing for me at all.

  Their mother was actually good to them. She was there for them throughout their entire lives. They relied on her support heavily, even as adults. The possibility of that love and support disappearing… It seemed an unimaginable pain.

  I drove back to the house. For a minute, I was worried about how Ethan and his family would get back home. But I realized quickly that they’d probably be at the hospital for a while. And when they needed to come home, they would call. Their house was pretty close to the hospital.

  I was dreading going back to the house without them, though. It was so stupid of me to volunteer to go with Ethan.

  I honestly thought that was what he wanted, though. I mean, before this happened…. It felt like everything was going so good between us. I knew we only barely announced our feelings to each other, but I’d had these feelings since we were kids. They’d been burning inside me for years. And he made it sound like it was the same way for him.

  I truly believed it was. I may not have seen him for years, but I still knew him. I knew he was being genuine. He was just pushing me away now because of everything that was going on with his mom.

  It was totally understandable. Once this was all over, everything would go back to normal. He'd be thrilled I made the decision to move to his town and start a life with him. We could get that happiness back… As soon as his mom pulled through.

  Unless she didn’t pull through…

  It was too much to think about. But what exactly would happen if she didn’t make it?

  It actually could ruin everything for us. I couldn’t see Ethan getting over the death of his mother. And if he wanted to push me away when she was going to surgery… I think it was safe to say he’d really push me away if she passed.

  It was a selfish thought, to be concerned about whether Ethan and I would end up together at a time like this. But I couldn’t control it.

  The thought of having a future with Ethan had consumed me. I was going to be broken if things didn’t work out between us. I was ready to uproot my whole life and build a new life centered around him.

  And now… Now that actually might not happen. How was it that just this morning, it felt like life was coming together? Now it was falling apart.

  I walked nervously back into the Taylors’ house. When I stepped into the living room, all eyes were on me.

  “What’s going on?” Brittany was the first to ask me.

  “I’m sorry… I have no news,” I said quietly. “She’s going into surgery and Ethan said he’ll call us as soon as she’s out.”

  No, actually, Ethan did not say that. But I knew that he would. Or someone would call.

  I sat on the couch, feeling completely out of place. Here, on Thanksgiving day, was a family in extreme distress, and I felt like an outlier to their trauma.

  But then his Grandma did something that completely changed my feelings.

  She got up, sat down next to me on the couch, and hugged me tightly.

  “Oh, honey,” she said softly. “I know how hard this must be for you.”

  I couldn’t believe that while her own daughter was in the hospital, she was telling me she knew how hard this must be. But she did know what kind of relationship I had with her, how she was a mother figure in my life. And this small statement completely took away the feeling that I was an outsider.

  Again, with this family, it somehow felt like I belonged. Like this was where I was always meant to be.

  And it made me want to marry Ethan even more.

  12

  Ethan

  It was the longest couple hours of my life.

  I barely remembered sitting in the waiting room. I knew I had my eyes set on the television, but it was all a blur. And I definitely didn’t process whatever television show happened to be on.

  Ashley had her head rested on my dad’s shoulder. At first when we all sat down, he put his arms around both of us. But I pushed him away pretty quickly. I didn’t know why. I loved my father, but I just… didn’t want to be touched.

  So now it was just him and Ashley wrapped around each other while we waited. I was glad they were comforting each other, though. My father especially needed comfort, and I couldn’t provide it. Because nothing and nobody could comfort me… Not even Daniel.

  I honestly didn’t even think about Daniel very much while we waited. I knew I should have felt guilty for treating him the way I did, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. Not when so much other shit was going on.

  Despite their claims to keep us updated, we never heard from the surgeons. Not until they came out at the end of surgery, that is.

  My heart was pounding as I watched a doctor walk right toward us. I knew what this meant. They were done. They were either done because the surgery had been a success or because…

  I wouldn’t even think it. I couldn’t.

  I felt like I was going to throw up by the time he had actually approached us. He had a warm smile on his face and I wanted to believe that was a good sign, but for all I knew, he was simply trying to be comforting.

  “How is she?” my father blurted before the surgeon even had time to talk.

  “She’s doing well,” he said. “The surgery was successful and it looks like she’s already starting to wake up.”

  A warm relief washed over me. Relief like I’d never known it before. She was out of the woods… She was okay. This wasn’t going to be the most tragic night of my life. This was going to instead be a tragedy avoided.

  “She’s going to be just fine then?” my father asked with relief.

  “Well, there may be some complications of the stroke. She may experience some confusion or muscle weakness, as it was certainly a traumatic event for her body. But we won’t see what we’re dealing with until she’s more alert. And in the meantime, we’ve got some preventative medications we’ll start her on to hopefully avoid any future strokes. But yes, she should be okay.”

  “Can we see her?” Ashley asked. I could hear the relief in her voice too.

  “Absolutely. Follow me.”

  We walked back to the same room where they initially had my mom. When we came in, we heard her coughing violently.

  “They’re taking out her intubation, it’s perfectly normal,” her doctor said as we stepped into the room.

  She didn’t notice us at first; it was clear she was still a little loopy from whatever drugs they had her on. But once she realized we were there, a grin fell across her face.

  “Mom!” Ashley cried as she went to hug her very carefully.

  My father did the same, gripping her hand as he pulled away. But I didn’t go in to hug her. I didn’t know why. I just sat in the chair next to her hospital bed.

  I was still in shock, I guess. My day had been a rollercoaster of emotions. I didn’t know exactly how to cope with everything that had happened. So I wasn’t coping at all. I was just sitting here staring numbly at my mother.

  “I had a stroke?” she asked my father.

  “Yes, babe,” he said as he moved her hair out of her face. The other side of her head was shaved and had a pretty gruesome cut stitched up on top of it. God, it must be horribly painful.

  “But I’m fine?”

  “You’re fine,” he insisted. “You’re going to be completely fine.”

  They continued talking, going over what had happened. I was only barely listening, though. It was all I could do to keep myself tied to reality. For the next half hour that my sister and dad were cooing over my mom, I just watched them.

  I looked up at one point and caught my Mom glancing at me. I didn’t know how long she’d been doing that, observing me, but the expression on her face was clear. She was concerned.

  “Babe, why don’t you and Ashley go grab some vending machine snacks for everybody?”

  He raised an eyebrow at her. “You really want to eat right now?”

  “Not really. But it’s Thanksgiving and we didn’t get dessert. Besides, you need to call my sister and mother. They’re probably horribly worried. Are they still back at the house?”

  “I don’t even know.” He shrugged, realizing he hadn’t even thought about them. “I’ll go call right now.”

  “Thanks, dear.”

  It was clear that Ashley didn’t want to leave my mom’s side. I was secretly hoping she wouldn’t go. I didn’t want to be left alone with my mother while she had that concerned look on her face. I didn’t know what to say.

  But Ashley did leave. And when it was just me and my mom, she beckoned me over with her hand.

  I got up out of my chair and sat carefully on the side of her bed. She took her hand in mine and smiled.

  “Baby, what’s wrong?”

  I sighed. “I don’t know, Mom. This was all just… a lot. I’m finding it hard to snap back to reality after everything that happened.”

  She nodded. “So let’s pretend nothing has happened, then.”

  I looked around at the hospital walls, to the incision still fresh on her head. “Uh, I think that’s going to be hard to do.”

  “Well, try,” she insisted. “Let’s continue where we left off earlier.”

  “Wait… You remember where we left off earlier?” I asked, almost completely forgetting our conversation.

  But now that I remembered it, I felt terrible. Daniel came to my mind and how I treated him… Fuck, he was probably never going to forgive me.

  “Of course! It was the last thing I remember before everything went dark. It’s the first thing I thought about when I woke back up.”

  I blushed. “So, uh, yeah… You were saying you disapproved…”

  I didn’t think this whole pretending nothing ever happened thing was going to work, but I’d play along because I really was curious to hear what she thought.

  “I don’t think I said exactly that.” She laughed. “Of course I’d approve of a relationship between you and Daniel. I just don’t think that’s ever going to happen and I don’t want to see you hurt.”

  “Huh?”

  “Oh, honey, I was there when he left the first time. I saw how it broke you. Daniel is a great guy and so are you… But all these years and he’s never tried to start a relationship with you. I think it may be time to let go of this one before you get more hurt than you already have.”

  I laughed. I had to laugh.

  “Is that all?” I asked. “Is that the only problem you have with me and Daniel? That you think he doesn’t want to be with me?”

  “Well, yes. You have to admit, the chances seem slim that he does…”

  “He does, Mom,” I said seriously. “He told me.”

  “Really?” Her eyes widened. “And… and you think he’s ready to commit to you?”

  “Well, while you were in surgery, he told me that he was going to quit his job in New York and move to be with me.”

  “Oh, honey!” she said excitedly. “That’s fantastic!”

  “Yeah…” I said hesitantly, and she immediately knew.

  “Oh no, what happened?”

  “I was feeling really weird after all that happened… And I may have been kind of a dick to him. And told him that I wasn’t so sure I wanted to be serious with him…”

  I left out the part where I felt weird because I thought she disapproved of him. That part seemed silly now, knowing that wasn't the case at all. And I didn't want her feeling responsible.

  “Well, do you want to be with him?”

  “Yes,” I said definitively. “Absolutely.”

  Now that all the stress had worn off, there was no doubt in my mind that being with Daniel was exactly what I wanted.

  “Then what are you doing here?” she said quickly. “Go, you’ve gotta go get the boy!”

  “Mom…” I said, rolling my eyes.

  “I’m serious! I’m fine, I’m going to be fine. Now you go right home and you go tell that boy how you feel.”

  “Really?”

  “Really!” She grinned. “Go, now!”

  I walked all the way out to the hospital lobby before I realized I didn’t even have a car to get home with. Daniel had driven it home after I told him I didn’t want him here.

  Shit… Why did I do that? With every minute that passed by, I became more in touch with reality. And unfortunately being in touch with reality was also being in touch with how much of a giant dick I’d been.

  I decided to call a cab. I cou;d call Daniel to come pick me up and I knew he would, no matter how pissed he was. But I didn’t want to do that. I had a lot to say, and I didn’t want to say it while he was driving. Nor did I want to sit awkwardly in the passenger seat remaining quiet the whole way home.

  While I stood outside and waited for a cab, it began to trickle rain outside. Two days in a row—that was a little unusual in our town.

  As the rain began to drip on me, I was overwhelmed with the memory of kissing Daniel. I once again felt the same feelings I had that night when I realized we could be together. I was no longer numb…

  And I hated myself for ever forgetting how I felt about him. No, that wasn’t fair, I never forgot. I just felt so intensely stressed out that I pushed him away. And I was so worried about what my mom was thinking…

  And she never had a problem with him! It was ridiculous. I had been completely stupid.

  As I got into the cab and watched the rain roll down the windows, something else popped into my head. What he had said about moving and deciding to be with me… If he could forgive me, if he could get over his inevitable hatred of everything I did, then maybe we really could be together.

  I felt sick to my stomach once again as the cab pulled up outside the house. God, I had probably spent most of today completely nauseated.

  I was stressed out not only because I was about to find out whether Daniel and I could be together, but because I was going to have to go in there and awkwardly face my family before I talked to him. All I wanted to do was tell him how sorry I was and I was going to have to talk to everyone else before I did that. And he’d just be standing by… thinking that I didn’t want him.

  Or, even worse, he wouldn’t be standing by. Maybe after everything I said, he left! Fuck, that was a definitely possibility. If I were him and felt rejected after I poured my soul out, I’d probably just go.

  To my surprise, when I walked into the house, the living room was dark. I expected my family to still be hanging out in it.

  “Hello?” I called out as I flicked the light on. In response to my voice, I heard footsteps on the stairs.

  It was Daniel, and he looked at me blankly as he reached the bottom of the stairs. On the one hand, I was relieved to find out he hadn’t left yet, and on the other, I felt so sick looking at him.

  “Where is everyone?” I asked.

  “Your dad just called and said your mom is going to be okay. He told everyone to go home, get some rest. They said they’d be back over in the morning to help with anything they can.”

  “Oh…” was all I could will myself to say in response. But there was so much more I should have been saying.

  “Should I, uh, should I leave?” Daniel asked nervously.

  “No!” I said quickly. “No, absolutely not I, uh, would like to talk to you…”

  He nodded and walked downstairs into the living room. He sat himself on the couch and I sat next to him.

  “I'm really glad your mom is okay,” Daniel told me. “I know how much she means to you and… She’s so fantastic. If anything happened to her, I’d be devastated too.”

  I smiled. “I’m really glad too. And I’m… I’m really sorry for the things I said to you.”

  “Are you?” Daniel asked. “Because I… I’m just a little confused on where you’re at with me here…”

 

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