Cold Turkey, page 5
Without even thinking about it, Daniel stripped off his shirt and began to rummage through his suitcase to grab another one.
My heart was pounding in my chest as I stared at every muscle that rippled across his abdomen. God, he had been such a twig in high school. Not that he wasn’t cute—I’d always found him attractive—but fuck. He was a real man now. A really, really sexy man…
I tried to snap myself out of it. I was catching myself staring at him. I had to act casual. I took off my own shirt, rummaging for another one. I decided the jeans I was wearing would be fine. Mostly because I could feel an erection rising from under my jeans. I really didn’t want to expose it.
Normally, I wasn’t so easily aroused. I didn’t have a hard time or anything; I just meant I was around a lot of attractive men and I never got to the point where I was getting a boner from just looking over at them.
But with Daniel it was so different. The sexual tension in the air was palpable. At least, it was for me. I was wanting him with every fiber of my being. It was everything I could do to keep from confessing my feelings and jumping him right now.
But the embarrassment was definitely keeping that urge in line for me. Instead, I tried to make small talk as he put on his shirt. To my relief, he didn’t change his pants either. I didn’t want to get even close to seeing his cock.
“So, is there anyone in particular you’re hoping to see?”
“Not really.” He shrugged. “I’m pretty excited to see Maya, it’s been so long. But you know I wasn’t too close to anyone else. What about you? I know you see these people a lot more often.”
“Yeah, it won’t be too weird for me,” I admitted. “A lot of us stayed friends for a long time after high school. It won’t be anything like for me like it will be for you.”
He sunk onto his bed, pulling out his phone to check the time. “That seems a little awkward though, doesn’t it? Don’t you run into all your exes and stuff? This isn’t really an issue I have, so it’s hard to imagine the tension there…”
“Nah, no tension there. High school relationships aren’t even real, you know? We’ve all moved on. Plus, so many of those girls have got it in their heads that I’m gay, so none of them are offended it ended or anything—”
“Wait, why would they think you’re gay?”
Oh, shit. Why did I say that?
I had no problem telling Daniel that I’d discovered that I was bi. Actually, even if I didn’t tell him how I felt about him, I was planning to tell him this weekend. He was my old best friend, and he deserved to know what even acquaintances knew about me.
I didn't want to bring it up like this, though. I didn't want to say it casually like it was nothing. I wanted to have a real heart to heart, and explain to him that I never hid this from him growing up. That it was something I discovered along the way, but we had already fallen out of contact when I did…
I guess saying it casually was easier than all that, though.
“Oh, well, because a lot of them have heard that I date men so, you know.”
“Do… Do you date men?” he asked awkwardly.
“Well, yeah,” I said, as I shifted my eyes to my phone, pretending to check for a text message that wasn’t there.
“So, you are gay?” he asked.
“Not quite!” I said quickly. “I still date women too. I’m definitely not just gay. I’m bisexual, actually. But, you know, everyone thinks that just means secretly gay and afraid to admit it. It scares off a fair amount of women.”
“Wow, I—” He paused for a moment. “Sorry, I just had no idea! You’re bi, that’s great.”
“Yeah…” I said awkwardly. “Sorry I never told you before. It’s just that in high school I really wasn't sure and by the time I had figured it out in college, we already weren't friends so…”
“Oh! Don’t be sorry! I’m not bothered at all, just a bit surprised. That’s crazy; I never suspected you were interested in men in the slightest.”
I could hear the disappointment in his voice and I couldn’t gauge where it was coming from. if this was any other person, I’d assume they were being awkward because they were disappointed to find out I was bi.
But that couldn’t be Daniel’s reason. He was gay himself, so he wasn’t homophobic. That wasn’t it.
I guess he was upset that he never knew? It was this huge part of me that, as a best friend, you would certainly want to be aware of. He couldn’t really be upset since we hadn’t spoken in so long, but that was the only thing I could think of that would bother him.
I hated his reaction, though. It confirmed what I had long expected… That he had no interest in me.
If he did, he’d be elated to hear that I was bisexual. If he wanted to be with me, knowing that I was interested in men would open up that door for us.
But he wasn’t elated. He was most definitely disappointed. Hell, maybe he was even worried now that he knew I like men that I might be interested in him! Which of course I was. But I’d never do anything to make him uncomfortable.
Which meant, shit, now that I knew he was uncomfortable I had to do everything in my power to make sure he did not find out. Which made going out tonight even more stressful.
I quickly tried to change the subject. “Are you, uh, ready to head out?”
“Yeah, definitely.” He nodded as he got off the bed and started to step toward the bedroom door.
“Are you a big drinker?” I asked him.
In high school, we had been pretty good kids. We stayed away from alcohol and partying. Not that we never went to any parties, we just managed to stay away from drinking even when we did. We were good kids.
For me, though, the whole good kid thing went out the window as soon as I turned eighteen. I immediately started exploring my boundaries and going out more. Going to parties and, eventually, bars, became my new favorite hobby.
Daniel leaving didn’t exactly help. I really started to dive into drinking because of him. It made me feel good, and it took away a lot of the depressive thoughts. Which was obviously a horrible reason to drink.
“Honestly, not so much,” Daniel answered. “I mean, I’ll have a few drinks here and there but I really hate getting drunk. I get really irrational and emotional. I hate how out of control it makes me feel. What about you?”
“Not so much these days, either.”
And that was true. I’d gotten over my alcohol phase a long time ago.
Though I was pretty sure I’d be getting fucking hammered tonight. It was the only way I was going to deal with the intense stress and awkwardness of being at the bar with Daniel and a bunch of people who knew how deeply I felt for him.
We took a cab there, which was good because I didn’t want to be responsible for driving. But we couldn’t have even if we wanted to. He didn’t have a car and my sister was going to be using mine to pick up her boyfriend from the airport.
When we got to the bar, it was jam packed. My anxiety rose as soon as I saw how busy it was. Even worse, I recognized a few of the cars. They were cars of old friends. Friends I was really hoping wouldn’t even be in town.
We stepped into the bar and were immediately greeted by a sea of faces. There were even more people from our graduating class than there usually were at these gatherings.
I got a lot of ‘waves’ and ‘hey, mans’ while Daniel went pretty much unnoticed. Honestly, I didn’t think anyone recognized him. Not until Maya popped up, that is.
“Oh my God, Daniel!” she squealed, running to him and wrapping her arms around his neck. I could tell by the tone of her voice she was already a little tipsy.
“Maya, hey, so good to see you!” he said, hugging her back.
“Holy shit, it’s been so long! Here, come, both of you! Let’s go get drinks!”
I wasn’t going to argue that. We went to the bar and Maya took the initiative of ordering us all double shots of Jack. I could see that Daniel was a little hesitant to take his, but he took it with the both of us.
“So, Daniel, what have you been up to? Where are you living now?”
“Oh, New York, actually. I work in IT over there.”
“New York as in New York City?” she squealed again. “Oh, that’s so cool! Wow, it’s like the exact opposite of here. You must love it!”
“Actually, I specifically went because it was the exact opposite of here.” He laughed.
It really was. Our hometown was the farthest thing from a big city. It was as small town as they come. Everyone knew everybody here. The restaurants and stores had been owned by the same families for years and years.
“So you like it, then? The whole city vibe?” Maya asked Daniel.
“You know, these days I’m not so sure,” he admitted. “I definitely did when I moved there; it was the exact opposite of this place and I loved it. But now? Not so much. Being here, I'm really missing the small town vibe.”
Maya nodded. “I completely know what you mean. I could never do the city thing. I hate that crowded, constantly busy feeling.”
“That’s exactly what it is.” Daniel nodded. “It feels constantly busy. I just keep thinking of settling down and having a family, and I can’t imagine raising kids in a place like that.”
Maya got this weird little grin on her face and nudged Daniel’s shoulder. “Already thinking of settling down with kids, huh?”
Daniel gave her a confused look. “I mean, no time soon. But I’m definitely at that point in my life where I’m thinking about a future family.”
She grinned again, and was about to say something else, when I felt a hand on my shoulder behind me.
“Ethan, hey! Was hoping you’d be here!”
I recognized the voice before I even turned around.
It was Zachary, a boy Daniel and I had loosely hung out with in high school. I was closer to him than Daniel was, but he was one of those friends who was around pretty often.
And one of the ones who I’d gotten closer to after Daniel left. He knew how I felt about him and he wasn’t the most careful guy.
My heart was pounding and I had my fingers crossed that Zach wouldn’t even realize who Daniel was. But of course, that was way too much to ask for.
“Danny, is that you?” Zach asked, slapping him on the shoulder.
“Hey,” he said and smiled politely, “sure is.”
“Man, I never thought I’d see you in this town again!” he said, laughing. “How long has it been?”
“Years.” Daniel nodded, somewhat awkwardly. “I don’t think I’ve seen you since high school.”
“He’s staying at Ethan’s for Thanksgiving!” Maya piped up excitedly.
Oh, damn it, why did she have to say that? He was definitely going to make some joke about the two of us being together now.
To my surprise, he didn’t, though. He looked at both of us, smiled, and just softly said, “that’s great” before offering to buy another round of shots.
It was another double shot he ordered. After that drink, I was starting to feel a buzz going. And Daniel definitely did too. It was obvious he had no tolerance for alcohol; he might have actually been drunk already.
“Hey, you guys wanna play some pool?” Zach asked.
“Sure!” Daniel said excitedly, seeming a little more comfortable with the situation. “Let’s do it!”
But I was only growing less and less comfortable as the night wore on.
5
Daniel
I really had been excited to go to the bar and see everyone again… Until, that is, Ethan told me that he was bisexual.
After I heard that, I no longer even wanted to go. My entire mood had been ruined. Though I really didn’t want him to know that.
Hearing him say that broke my heart, though. We were always so close, and we had such a great relationship. I thought the only thing that kept us from entering into a romantic relationship was the fact that he didn’t like men.
So to find this out, to know that this entire time he actually had liked men…. Well, it fucking stung. Because it meant he actually just didn't like me.
A part of me wished I could have run out of the house in that moment. Escaped to God knows where. How was I going to sleep in the same room as him tonight? How could I look at him and keep my heart from breaking?
He was so perfect in so many ways. Being back here with him, and spending the evening with him and his family, had intensified my emotions for him.
Why did I have to come back here, why did I agree to stay at his parents’ house? It was so stupid. Now I had to deal with the same terrible feelings I’d experienced when we were younger. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want any of this.
I had to say, though, that drinking now was actually helping. It was funny that I had just told Ethan I wasn't a big drinker, because now I was playing pool thoroughly drunk and it was extremely obvious because I was playing very, very badly. I was all over the place.
But at least I wasn’t worrying about how I’d never have Ethan. Although, in my drunken state, he was looking even sexier than usual.
God… why did he have to have such a perfect jawline? And the way his muscles bulged out of his shirt… Did he work out? I should ask him if he works out, I thought…
No, nope, not going to do that. Because that was flirty and weird. Gotta keep my drunk ass focused. Just play pool, Daniel, focus on pool, I told myself.
If Ethan hadn’t confessed to me he was bi before we came, this would have actually just been a lovely time. It was a lovely time anyway. I was really enjoying seeing old people from high school. A lot of people either didn’t notice or recognize me, but a few people came up and said hello.
And I was really enjoying this game of pool with Ethan, Zach, and Maya. It felt like old times. I could have been in high school again, spending time with the three of them like this.
Not to mention that I was now, once again, head over heels for Ethan and aching about it. So, you know, it really was like high school for me.
They kept ordering drinks and I kept taking them. Not that I was easily peer pressured or anything; I could very easily have declined, but I was enjoying the buzz. Well, I guess it wasn’t so much a buzz anymore. I was literally starting to feel like the walls were going diagonal.
But fuck it. We took a cab, so there was no reason I couldn’t be wasted. And if I was this drunk, it'd be way easier to sleep in the same room as Ethan.
“Hey, you okay?” Ethan asked, putting his hand on my shoulder. It sent chills down my spine.
I looked over at him. His blue eyes were even more piercing than usual. I wanted to lean in closer to him. I wanted him to wrap that hand around my other shoulder and take me in his embrace.
I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to taste him. I wanted to fall asleep and cuddle next to him tonight and every night for the rest of my God damn life.
Holy shit, I had it so damn bad.
“I’m okay,” I muttered. “I’m good.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, yeah, it’s all great.” I smiled, stumbling back into a bench that was leaned against the wall. I sunk myself into it, pretending I’d meant to sit down in it this whole time.
“You know, I’m so happy for you too,” Maya said as she sat down on the bench next to me.
“You are?” I asked, not really knowing what she meant.
“Yeah, you guys were always so sweet in high school. I always thought you’d make the perfect couple. It’s so good to finally see Ethan happy. I don’t think he’s ever gotten over you.”
“What?” I laughed. “What are you talking about? Ethan and I aren’t together.” I looked up at Ethan.
I was barely processing her words, and I probably would have completely forgotten her saying ‘I don’t think he’s ever gotten over you.’ But when I looked at Ethan, his face was contorted with horror. Like she had just said something he didn’t want her to.
And then it hit me.
“Oh… I’m so sorry, I—”
I looked back between Maya and Ethan. Both of them were looking extremely uncomfortable.
“Wait, what did you say? That Ethan… has never gotten over me, or something?”
“God damnit, Maya,” Ethan said, putting his cue back and walking out of the bar.
“Oh my God, Ethan! I’m so sorry!” she said, standing up and then covering her face.
The next few minutes were a blur. I was still barely comprehending what had happened. Maya was chasing Ethan out of the bar and I was stuck, plastered on my bench.
What was it she meant? She couldn’t have actually meant that Ethan felt romantically about me… Right? He didn’t! He never had.
If he had, why wouldn’t he just have made a move? We were so close in high school and he knew I was gay. If he wanted to be with me, why couldn’t he just do it? He never so much as hinted that he liked me.
But… did he? If it wasn’t true why would he storm out of the bar like this? Then again, even if it was true, why would he storm out? I knew he was drunk, but he’d never been quick to anger. Something about what she said really bothered him.
Maybe it was because he didn’t want Maya putting ideas in my head. Yeah, that had to be it; he sensed that I had feelings for him and he didn’t want me to. And he was just livid at Maya for giving me even the slightest hope that we could be together.
Well, I didn’t have the slightest hope. So if that was his concern, I’d be able to clear that up right away.
I stood up from the bench and immediately realized how drunk I was. I stumbled a bit, then made my way to the bar exit where I knew I’d find Maya and Ethan. I had to let him know that it was fine, that I knew we’d never be a thing and he shouldn’t get mad at Maya. She was just drunk and had no idea what she was saying. I could relate because I was also that plastered. But we shouldn't get mad at each other just because we are drunk and acting like idiots.
When I stepped out of the bar, I didn't see Maya and Ethan. I only saw Maya, leaned against a wall and crying quietly.
“Maya?” I asked. “Where’s Ethan?”
“He went home.” She cried softly. “Daniel, I’m so sorry. I really thought you guys were together. If I’d known… I never would have said what I said.”
