She didn’t want me dating him. I wasn’t sure why. I wasn’t sure what she had against Daniel. I just knew that she was hesitant when I said I wanted to be with him.

  And she was my mother. Her opinion meant so much to me, it always had. I’d always wanted her approval in everything I did. And knowing that, for some reason, she didn’t approve of Daniel… Well, that didn’t sit right with me. Especially while she was on her way to the hospital.

  Thankfully my aunt and my Grandma stepped up. I knew I should have been the one to step up here, that was what my dad wanted from me. But I was useless. Useless to comfort anyone, useless to do anything that would actually be helpful.

  “Okay, I’m going to make us some tea,” my Grandma said, standing up and walking to the kitchen. “We all need to stay calm.”

  “She’s right,” my aunt added enthusiastically. “We have no idea what is going to happen.”

  Daniel nodded. “Everything's going to be fine,” he said softly in my ear.

  But their words were no comfort to me. Because that was all they were… words. They didn’t actually know. Things could turn out horribly. Horrible things happened every day.

  And I’d been lucky through my life. I had great parents, my childhood was never traumatic, I’d never really encountered death except in my grandparents or pets. And both had been really rough, I’d admit, but at least in both situations they had lived great, full lives. It made it slightly easier to cope with, knowing that it was coming.

  But somebody dying before they were meant to… Completely unexpectedly, through some freak accident? How the hell was I supposed to deal with that?

  Holy shit… What if she died? What if my mother died?

  My entire world would be shattered. I loved her more than anything. I loved her even more than Daniel. She was my mother, and she’d been the fucking perfect mother. She had given me more than I ever could have asked for from a parent.

  How would I live without her? How would my family live without her? What about Thanksgivings? Oh my God, nothing would ever be the same. My whole world would be shattered. I didn't know how I'd overcome that.

  All the things I had been excited about recently didn’t seem to matter anymore. I no longer felt excited about being with Daniel. I was no longer thrilled that we had sex for the first time just this morning. I couldn’t even think about a future with him. I couldn’t imagine settling down with him, having children with him, being fathers together.

  How could I be a father without my mother around? I’d have so many questions about raising kids. Questions that she would know how to answer exactly. I couldn’t live in a world where my kids didn’t get to meet their grandmother.

  That was part of the plan for my future. For my mom to be a giant part of their life. I could see us telling her that she was going to be a grandmother for the first time. I could already see the elation on her face.

  And all the holidays we'd come home for… She would make every Christmas absolutely magical the same way she did for us when we were young.

  I glanced over at Daniel. He was being a total sweetheart. Rubbing my back, repeating that things were going to be okay, forcing me to drink the tea my grandmother had made even when I didn’t want to.

  He was a good guy. He was a man I loved. And logically, I knew that. But right now, staring at him, it was like I couldn’t feel anything.

  I told myself this was just part of the disassociating thing. That once the numbness wore off, I’d feel the same way about him that I always had. But in my heart, I knew that wasn’t true.

  It was more than that. It was that conversation with my mother. I found myself wishing that I had never decided to talk to her right then. If I hadn’t found out her opinion on me dating Daniel, I’d feel the same way about him right now. And I could drown myself in the comfort and happiness of him.

  I mean, I guess it was actually a damn good thing I had that conversation with her. It wasn’t unusual for my mom to be cleaning for forty-five minutes after a big family meal. What would have happened if she was in the kitchen alone? Nobody would have batted an eye at her not popping in.

  Oh, God, I could just imagine my poor mother lying passed out on the floor completely unable to seek help. What would have happened? Where would she be if I wasn’t there?

  Okay, I was definitely never again going to wish that we didn’t have that conversation. I guess maybe I wished that we were talking about something else, and I was still there to help her.

  I wanted comfort right now and I couldn’t force myself to see Daniel the same way. And I wasn’t thinking I didn't love him or that I doubted my feelings for him, it wasn’t that at all. It was only that knowing my mom’s disapproval colored my judgment of him a bit.

  I wanted to go back to this morning where I couldn’t stare at him enough. Now, as nice as his hand on my back was, I wanted to blink and have him gone. At least until I figured all this out until I could see my mom again.

  But what if I never got to see her again? What if that was our last conversation? What if her literal last words were her warning me about a relationship with Daniel?

  Fuck, how was I ever going to get over this if I couldn’t talk to her about it? I already knew… I wouldn’t. That was so fucked up and it may not have even been rational… but if I wasn’t able to talk to my mom again, I didn't know how I was going to see Daniel the same way.

  I could already see how it was going to happen. If my mom died, I wouldn’t care about anything. I wouldn’t want to uproot my life and go live in New York City to be with Daniel. Hell, I wouldn’t even want him to come to me. I wouldn’t want to go making big changes and altering my life without my mom around.

  It wouldn’t matter. Nothing in life would matter if I had to lose her right now. I mean, I was sure it would, eventually. Or at least I hoped it would. But for a long while, I’d be a shell of who I once was. And I wouldn’t care.

  And Daniel would forever be a reminder of that last conversation we had. It wasn ;t his fault… If anything, it was mine. I was the one who couldn’t wait to tell her about our relationship.

  I was reminded of that urge I had to have that conversation with her. I didn’t even want to wait until everyone left. Why was that? In some cosmic way, was the universe urging me not to leave my mother in her time of distress?

  I did believe in things like that. Divine intervention, fate, whatever you wanted to call it. I wasn’t religious or even particularly spiritual, but I didn’t think everything in our world was simple random coincidence.

  “Ethan?” Daniel’s voice pulled me from my reverie.

  “Yeah?” I turned to him. It seemed like that wasn’t the first time he said my name trying to catch my attention, but I had been lost to the world.

  “Isn’t that your phone?” he asked, pointing to my cell phone vibrating on the coffee table.

  I lunged for it. “It’s my dad,” I told the room as I looked at the caller ID.

  Everyone went silent. You could hear a pin drop. And I could feel the tension as I answered the phone.

  “Hello?” I said softly.

  Time seemed to slow down. Between the time I said ‘Hello’ and the time he answered, it felt like I had made a hundred little prayers wishing to hear my mom would be okay. I was hoping so badly to hear that she had simply fainted and nothing major was going on at all.

  And I think before that phone call, I really believed that would happen. Before bad shit happens, you always have this sense of invincibility. Everyone does. You never think the ones close to you are going to die until they do. You never think you’ll be in an emergency situation until you are in one. And I don’t think I truly believed my mom was in mortal danger until that phone call, as much as I worried about it.

  “You and Ashley need to come down to the hospital right now,” my dad instructed. “Get in your car and come here.”

  “Wait, what? Why? What’s going on?” I asked, more frantically than I meant to sound.

  “They’re sending your mom to surgery. She had a hemorrhagic stroke. They need to take her to surgery.”

  “Surgery…” I muttered, the words lost on me at first. “Surgery? Are we going to get there in time? Before she has to go in, I mean?”

  “I don’t know,” he huffed. “They have a lot of emergency cases tonight, they said, and they’re getting an OR ready right now. They’re taking her in very soon but if you get here quick, you may have time. You need to hurry.”

  “We’re coming,” I said quickly, having no time for any other questions. “Bye.”

  I turned to Ashley. “We need to go, they’re taking mom to surgery.”

  “What?” she gasped. “Why?”

  “There’s no time, Ashley!” I snapped. “We have to go!”

  I had completely forgotten about the rest of my family as I grabbed the keys and began walking toward the front door. I glanced around the room.

  “I’m, uh, I’m sorry I have to go but you guys will be fine, right?” I said. This was something my mother would do… Check on her guests during a time of emergency.

  “Honey, go, we’re fine, I’ll take care of everything here,” my aunt said quickly. “Just go.”

  I nodded and walked out the door. Ashley followed and then right behind her was Daniel.

  I’d forgotten about him too.

  “Hey, what are you doing?” I asked as I kept walking to the car.

  “I’m coming with you,” he insisted.

  I nodded and jumped in the car because there was no time to argue, but I didn’t really want him there. I couldn’t get that last conversation with my mom out of my head and looking at him was making me uncomfortable in a way it never had before. It would have been easier to do this alone.

  I found myself even getting a bit irritated at him for insisting he tag along. But that wasn’t fair. He was trying to be nice. He thought he was doing the right thing and that I’d want his support.

  And normally he wouldn’t be wrong. Normally, I’d be livid if he didn’t insist on being by my side. And he had no way of knowing my mind had changed.

  I drove to the hospital faster than I’d driven anywhere in my entire life. Regularly, we were only ten minutes away. So I got there in a matter of minutes and parked right up front in the disabled parking space.

  We weren’t allowed to be there, of course. So as I got out of the car, I tossed Daniel the keys.

  “Please go park somewhere,” I said, gesturing to the full lot. “I can’t wait to find a parking space. I need to make sure I see my mom.”

  “Of course,” he said, not questioning me. He took the keys and got behind the wheel.

  We entered the emergency room and as I was walking to the receptionist desk, I heard my father’s voice. He had been waiting for us.

  “Ashley, Ethan, here!” he gestured, holding a door open and hustling into a hallway.

  We both ran after him. Ashley had been as silent as me on the way here. I had no idea what she was thinking or how much she had processed, but I knew what I was thinking.

  That this could very well be the last time I saw my mother alive. That stroke was serious, and brain surgery was serious, and she may die. And I was praying so hard that I didn’t miss it. That they hadn’t already taken her into surgery.

  They hadn’t. When we turned into her room, she was still there. Though she wasn’t conscious.

  Ashley dove for her hand but didn’t say anything as she burst into long sobs.

  I didn’t cry, I couldn't cry. My adrenaline wouldn't allow it. But I did take her other hand and said everything I needed to.

  “Mom,” I whispered softly, “listen to me. Listen very closely. I need you to pull through this. You are so strong and never in my life have I seen you give up without a fight. You need to do that now. You need to fight to get better because I need you. We all need you. You’ve been the most amazing mom to me and I know I’m an adult now who should be able to survive without you… But I can’t. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. But I know there are so many things you still need to be around for. My wedding, your grandchildren, you need to see it all. And I’m going to need your help. So please, please don’t leave me. I need you to stay with me.”

  I could have said more, I could have talked to her all God damn night, just pleading with her to get better. But I was interrupted by a team of nurses and doctors.

  “I’m sorry, we need to take her to the OR now. We’ll send you regular updates and let you know how everything looks.”

  The surgeon’s words snapped me back to reality and I let go of my mom’s hand, but not Ashley. She was still sobbing over my mom and gripping her as tightly as she possibly could.

  My dad had to step in and pull her off, and this only sent her into hysterics. She was bawling into his chest as they rolled her out of the room. My father gripped the back of her head the same way he would when she came crying to him as a little girl. Unlike when we were younger, though, he was crying this time too.

  “It’s going to be okay, Ash. Things are going to be fine.”

  But he didn’t know that.

  I couldn’t keep staring at my sister crying. My sister was not a weak woman. I'd seen her handle some bullshit with amazing grace. She dealt with stress like a champ, just like my mother,

  so seeing her fall apart like this was extremely weird for me. I didn't think I’d seen her cry as an adult ever. And the more she broke down, the more I could feel the world slipping out from under me.

  So instead of looking at her and my father, I watched them wheel my mother out. And as they did, I noticed on the other side of the hall, Daniel was standing there.

  After they wheeled her off down the hall, I walked out of the room to him. I didn’t really want to do that. I wanted to escape him but I wanted to escape my crying father and sister even more.

  “How is she?” Daniel asked desperately. “Is she going to be okay?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. I haven’t even asked about what’s actually happening I just… I talked to her before she left.”

  He wrapped his warm arms around me and whispered in my ear. “Babe, it’ll be okay.”

  Why did people keep fucking saying that? It was such bullshit! Nobody knew, nobody knew a God damn thing.

  The arms that usually filled me with comfort did nothing now. I was an empty shell of myself. And I wanted to hide in a broom closet and be empty all by myself.

  “I’m going to quit my job,” Daniel said suddenly.

  I stared at him for a moment, unable to figure out why he would say that right now. I was having a family crisis and he was just… What? Complaining about work? It didn't seem like the time. And I also knew he wasn’t that insensitive, so what was I missing?

  “What are you talking about?” I asked.

  “I’m going to quit my job and I’m going to move to you.”

  “What?” I gasped, completely shocked.

  Daniel smiled softly, mistaking my shock for excitement.

  “I can’t live without you, Ethan. And I need to be there for you… Especially right now. I’m going to do whatever it takes. Fuck my job, fuck New York City, fuck the money. All I need is you. You’re my family.”

  “My Mom is my family…” I mumbled, completely thrown off. This was the last conversation I wanted to be having right now.

  “Huh? What did you say?” he asked.

  “I said my mom is my family,” I repeated.

  He looked confused. “Yeah, of course she is. I know that. I didn’t mean that I was more your family than your actual family…”

  God, what was I doing? I needed to be alone. I had to be alone before I said something that I’d regret. Something I couldn’t easily take back.

  I took a deep breath. “Daniel, you need to leave.”

  11

  Daniel

  “What?” I asked, completely lost. He almost seemed… angry at me?

  No, I was sure he wasn’t. Why would he be? I hadn’t done anything. If anything, he was just stressed out about everything going on with his mom. Which, of course, I completely understood.

  “I need you to go home. Go back to the house and I’ll see you later.”

  “Okay…” I said softly. “That’s fine. But have I done something wrong? Something to irritate you?”

  “No…” he said, but it felt like a lie. “I can’t talk about this right now.”

  “About what?” I had never felt more clueless in my life.

  “About us, about you moving to me and shit.”

  “I… I’m sorry,” I said, stunned.

  “I’m just not sure why you’d bring that up right now. I mean, my mom could be fucking dying,” he said coldly.

  Okay, he definitely was mad at me. It was completely misplaced, but of course I wouldn’t lash out. Not when he was already having such a hard time.

  “I’m really sorry, babe. I only said that because I honestly thought it would comfort you. I can see I was totally wrong and I’m sorry about that.”

  “Well, it doesn’t. It complicates me. It’s making me worried about things with us when I should only be worried about my mother.”

  “I get that, I do. I only said it because I thought it would have the opposite effect. You wouldn’t worry about things between us anymore. You’d know that I was willing to do anything to be with you and I figured that’d be comforting to you. I mean, I thought the only question between me and you was whether one of us could uproot our lives for the other.”

  “Well, it’s not.”

  “…It’s not what?” I questioned. This conversation felt so disjointed.

  “It’s not the only question.”

  I tried to hide the surprise on my face, but this made no sense to me. “What other questions are there?”

  “If I want to do this at all,” he said seriously.

  What… the fuck was he trying to say? That he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me?

  “You don’t know if you want to be with me?”

  “That seriously? You moving to me? Yeah, I don’t know. That’s kind of a lot, Daniel.”

 

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