Escaping Parker, page 5
She gives him a slow nod. “I suppose you are right. 6am comes quick. Well, we’ll see you in the morning.”
With that, they head out of the kitchen, and I have yet to hear Jim talk.
Now it’s just me and Rig, sitting alone, and I’m sure I’m the only one feeling uncomfortable. After that kiss, God that fake kiss, I’m just embarrassed. After feeling dead for so long, all it takes is a tiny bit of life breathed into me to make me act in a careless way.
I thought I was getting used to this, but my feelings are all over the place. I’m sure it comes with the situation.
No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop thinking about the kiss. “So . . .” I say.
“So, look, stop beating yourself up,” he says, as if he’s reading my mind. “I apologized, and said it wouldn’t happen again.”
“You panicked, and the first thing you do is kiss me? How do I know I am going to be safe?”
“I didn’t panic,” he grumbles. “I had a couple seconds to figure shit out, and I did. Are we here at the safe house, or are you on your way back to that asshole? Like I said, I do what I have to do to keep us safe, don’t you ever doubt that.” He takes the food out of the oven and dishes it out. He drops mine in front of me with a loud thud.
I flinch, the sound of the plate jarring an old memory.
I sit at the table, waiting for Steven to get home so we can eat dinner. The door clicks open, and I get up, excited to see him.
“How was your day? I missed you.” I wrap my arms around him, but something feels off, cold.
“Why isn’t the food on the plates? Is that too much to ask for after a long day of work? I just want to eat.” He spits, and I have no idea why he’s so angry.
I assume he had a long day at work, and I walk over to dish out our food.
“Don’t worry about that, since you couldn’t do that for me earlier. I’ll do it myself.” He yanks the serving spoon from my fingers and fills his plate. He grabs my plate and begins to fill it as well. “Sit down, it must have been a rough day for you, sitting at your computer at home all day. Don’t do too much.” Where is this all coming from?
He drops a heaping plate in front of me. Food spills all over the table, and I startle. I grab my fork, staying silent, because I just don’t know what to say, or if there is anything I can say to make him feel better. He pulls his chair out roughly, and sits down. When he takes his first bite of food, that’s when shit hits the fan.
“It’s fucking cold!” he yells.
With one swipe of his hand he clears the table, sending everything crashing to the floor. Food spatters everywhere, broken ceramic and glasses litter the floor. I sit there stunned, unable to move. It’s the first time he scares me.
Once his point is made, he pushes his face close to mine, his breath laced with liquor. “Get this shit cleaned up.” He storms off, slamming the door behind him.
In total state of shock, I sit there and let the tears fall freely.
“Parker,” Rig gently says.
“What? Yeah I’m fine.” I shake myself from my former nightmarish life.
“Look, I’m sorry if I come off rude. I just have never been tested. I’ve done this for a long time, and I know what I’m doing. You need to trust that I can handle this, or this isn’t going to work.”
I shove a forkful of food in my mouth. “Don’t drop my food in front of me again. That’s what Steven used to do.” I let the last part come out quietly, feeling ashamed that something so small could trigger the past.
“I didn’t know. The last thing I want to do is scare you, or hurt you,” he says honestly.
“I know, I know.” I continue to eat because I have to keep up my strength, and I don’t want to talk anymore.
After our silent meal, I get up and stretch a little, ready to call it a night.
“Where are we sleeping?” I ask.
“Well, not together, of course. Follow me, I’ll show you to your room.” He has a sly smile on his face, and just like that, he makes my anger disappear.
“You know your way around here, and Alice seems to know you well. How long have you known each other?”
He ignores my question and opens a door at the end of a short hallway. “This is where you’ll be staying. I know it’s not anything fancy, but it’s a place you can lay your head and feel safe.” He turns to leave and stops like he wants to say something, but then changes his mind.
Knowing I’m not going to get anywhere with him tonight on the meaning of this place, I lock the door and dig through the bag, searching for something to sleep in.
Fresh white linens are folded at the foot of the bed, so I put them on. The second my body hits the bed, it gives off a loud creak and dips low to the ground.
I’m uncomfortable, not wanting to make a move and have that noise continue, staring at the ceiling for what seems like forever, like I’m waiting for something to happen. It’s so unnerving, and makes me think of all the times I would lie awake waiting for Steven to come home, never knowing what kind of mood he was in. Or if that night was going to be the night he finally made good on his promises. My heart would beat shallow, and get swallowed up by my chest. Everyone always uses the phrase the elephant in the room. Well, that elephant lived on my chest, making every breath I took harder and harder to take.
I get up, needing a change because the memories are starting to take over. I find myself taking deep breaths, my breathing now erratic.
I peek my head out the door before I make my way out, needing to pace these floors for a while and try to calm down my anxiety. Sometimes the panic attacks are just as bad as the actual events. There’s no way to control them; they come when they want, crippling me to the point where I feel like I am fighting a strong current, trying get my head above water for one breath. My heart races as the adrenaline surges through my veins, throughout my body and down to my toes.
While I walk laps in the living room, doing circle after circle around the couch, a noise startles me. Rig is standing there watching me. I have no clue how long he has been there, or how long I’ve been going at this, because I have been consumed by my own demons.
“Are you okay?” he asks, not making a move toward me.
“Yeah, just needed to walk a bit,” I say breathlessly. I bend over, trying to regulate my labored breaths.
My hands shake as I place them on my knees to steady myself. I didn’t realize while I gave Andrew all of my belongings, my anti-anxiety meds were in my purse. So there is really nothing I can do at this point other than try to fight them myself.
“You’re shaking. Did something happen?” Concern is etched in his eyes.
“I married the devil. That’s what happened,” I say, matter-of-factly.
“I don’t understand. Here sit down, talk to me.” He takes a seat on the couch, patting the spot next to him.
What he doesn’t know is, I can’t sit down, I can’t be still. If I do, I’ll have to keep remembering. I need to keep moving while this adrenaline pumps through me. I’ve always thought moving will get it out of me faster.
I don’t want to remember.
“I can’t stop; I just have to keep moving. Right about now would be a great time for all that work you talked about.”
“You might be starting to scare me a bit.”
“What, you’ve never seen someone having a panic attack in all your years of hiding terrified women and children? Don’t tell me this a first for you.” Sarcasm drips from my voice.
“Honestly? No. Can I help in any way?”
I continue to pace like a caged animal, my hands fiddling in front of me. “Yes, yes, you can. Why don’t you tell me about Alice, how she acts like she has known you forever?”
He lets out a huge sigh. “I don’t really see why this would help.”
“If I’m staying here, I think I have a right to know, and don’t use that the less you know bullshit on me.” I look him square in the eyes, showing him how serious I am.
“OK, just remember you wanted to know. Alice and James were never able to have children. They were always active in the church, great people who always helped others, even if it left them without. They finally accepted the fact they would never have a child of their own, and they moved on. Well into their forties, they noticed a teen who was always sitting in the back of church, with torn, old clothes, no shoes, always at the food bank starving, with no home to go to. They knew they had to take him in. He was thirteen at the time. Things were great for a while: he got on track, went to school, and they were getting closer to him every day.” He pauses and looks at me.
“He joined the wrestling team, and started doing really well. It got him a partial scholarship to a college, and off he went. Well, when he realized it was a whole different story doing it in college, he turned to steroids; not very often at first, but after a while, it got really out of hand. But he couldn’t get big enough. He was eventually thrown off the team for not passing the drug tests. He quit steroids, or so we thought, and went off working, building a life far away from the only family he knew. Life still wasn’t good enough for him. He lost control and started doing steroids again, just because he wasn’t happy with himself. He was already married to my sister when the steroid rages started taking over, and she hid it from us for a long time. When she finally told my parents, it was too late.” He closes his eyes and leans back on the couch with his hands tightly laced together on top of his head.
I feel horrible for pushing, for making him relive this again all because I was tired of reliving my nightmare.
“I’m so sorry,” I say sincerely.
“When he was arrested, he called Alice and James, and that’s when they reached out to us. We don’t blame them; there is nothing they could have done. They did everything they could to express their remorse to us. It wasn’t their fault, and as time went on, we asked them if they wanted to help other victims like we were, since they lived on the outskirts of the city, with no neighbors close enough to be nosey. They agreed, wanting to be a part of saving lives. They have become our family through tragedy. Alice and James are really good people, and they didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”
I don’t know when I stopped walking around, or when the first tear fell from my eye, but everything suddenly stops around me. I can’t even imagine what it has been like for him or his family. I don’t know if I could ever be as forgiving as they have been, even though I know Alice and James had nothing to do with any of this.
This could easily be me he is talking about.
It chills me to the bone.
“I don’t even know what to say.”
“There isn’t anything to say, because no matter what you do, it won’t bring her back, and I understand that. I have accepted that it might take me a while. Don’t feel sorry for me or my family. That’s not what we want, or how we want to be treated.”
I’m not sure what comes over me, but I have this need to take his pain away, because even if he says he has accepted it, the hurt is obviously still there. I bend down in front of him and kiss him, hard, tightly wrapping my arms around him. I pull back, and when he looks at me, embarrassment floods my head. I turn and walk quickly to my room and hide in there, hoping to not see him till the morning.
A knock on my door pulls me from sleep. I rub my eyes so they adjust to the light faster, but it’s not working. The thing with panic attacks nobody ever talks about is that the next day is equally as hard as when you are having them. You feel like you were hit by a truck; your body is spent from the massive adrenaline that courses through your veins, making you unable to stay still. Your brain is foggy, and you can’t not think about what you went through the night before.
The door opens a crack, not wide enough to see who it is. “Breakfast is ready,” Rig calls out, and the door closes.
A quick flash of my lips on his momentarily mortifies me. What I did was stupid, and I can’t believe I did that. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I guess it’s my turn to apologize and tell him it won’t happen again. The only difference between the last time and this one: We weren’t hiding or acting. I wanted to feel his lips on mine, just like last time. I wanted that rush of desire that I have been lacking, craving. I shouldn’t feel this pull, but I understand why I do. It’s because in a twisted way, I see Rig as my knight in shining armor. He is risking his life to save mine, and it’s a lot more than anybody has ever done for me. It’s appealing in an unconventional way, and I’m just reaching out and grasping onto anything to feel somewhat grounded.
After I have my own mental chat and sort out my thoughts, I get up and make my way to the kitchen, where everyone is seated around the small table. Where Rig is seated¸ his back is to me, and Alice is facing me. She sees me and stands up.
“Good Morning. I hope you slept well.” Alice pulls out the empty chair for me. She grabs a plate and starts filling it with scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast and places it in front of me.
“Thank you,” I say politely. I take my first bite, still unable to look at Rig, wishing he would say something to ease the uneasiness I feel.
“Would you like some coffee?” James asks, speaking for the first time.
“Yes, please,” I say as he fills my cup up.
We eat in silence, something I’m used to¸ and when we finish, Rig stands up and walks out of the kitchen.
“So, I figured the men could go do something outside, while you and I stay in and do some things inside here.” Alice starts to clear the table.
“Sure, that sounds like a plan. Let me get changed, and I’ll be ready to do whatever you need. Thank you for breakfast.”
I excuse myself from the table and walk to my room, hoping to avoid Rig, because obviously my actions last night were not the best decision.
Once I walk in, Rig is sitting there on my bed, hands laced behind his lowered head. He hears me and looks up, with an unreadable expression on his face.
“You can’t kiss me again. First you yell at me for doing that in an attempt to distract the cops. Then you go and do that! You aren’t thinking clearly. I don’t get involved with the people I hide. It’s dangerous, and when you mix feelings in, things can go bad real fast.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.” I hang my head.
“Look, Parker, you’re beautiful, and there is something about your sass and the way you test me that I find ridiculously sexy, but I’m not what you think.”
His statement angers me. How would I know anything about him when he never talks to me?
“I never claimed to know anything about you, only the little bit that I’ve dragged out of you. It’s funny, because I’m sure you know a hell of a lot more about me than I know about you. You’ve probably been briefed about what you are up against. You know about all the awful things that have been done to me.” My voice sounds hasher than I mean for it to. “I just think if we are going to be together a lot, for me, I like to know about the other person.”
“Andrew has only told me what I need to know, and we don’t go around chatting about you over coffee. That’s not how we work. How did this turn into Rig is an asshole talk again?”
“God, you are so frustrating.”
“I’m frustrating? You’re so . . . UGHHHH! I have to go help James.” He gets up and walks out.
I guess burying myself in some housework is a good idea right about now, get my mind off things, and stay far away from Rig. I change into some jeans and a yellow T-shirt, tie my short wig back into a small ponytail, and make my way out to see what Alice needs me to do. I find her in the living room, boxing up a bunch of old trinkets off the fireplace mantel.
“So, what can I do?” I ask.
“I’m just trying to get all this stuff in boxes and dust. I have some paint—the inside just needs a major facelift—and I can’t do this on my own. I would love it if you could help me. Do you know how to paint?” she asks, putting a framed photo in the box.
“Umm, I haven’t ever really painted, but I’m sure it won’t be too hard. Do you have some rags? I can start dusting and wiping surfaces while you take the stuff down.”
“That sounds great. There are some rags over on the coffee table. Oh, and there’s a bucket under the kitchen sink. Can you fill it with some warm soapy water?”
“Yes, I’m on it.”
I walk into the kitchen and find the bucket and fill it up. I look out the window over the sink, and find James and Rig talking there, pointing to the roof.
Soapy water sloshes in the bucket as I carry it to the mantel. I’m good at cleaning, since it was always such an issue with Steven, and over the years I had to make sure things were done a certain way, and quickly.
“So how has your journey been so far?” Alice asks. “I know it must be really hard on you, but Rig is very good at what he does. Being safe is something you don’t ever have to worry about while you’re with him.”
“It’s been okay. Tiring and scary. I’m just trying to get used to moving around a lot. I wasn’t prepared for it, and I still am trying to get used to Rig. He’s awfully moody most of the time. I just really hope this works out.”
“Rig, moody?” she says sarcastically, which makes me glad that I’m not the only one who gets this vibe from him.
“Exactly. I can’t get a clear picture of who he is, because of his . . . ‘moods.’”
“He seems to be smitten with you, I can tell.”
I laugh, hard. I mean Alice seems to be a wise woman, but I can guarantee she is completely wrong with this one. He can’t stand me, or my attitude, and he made it very clear not even ten minutes ago.
“I don’t know why you find that funny. You are a very attractive woman. Once you get to break down those walls both of you have put up for different reasons, I think you’ll see.”
“Well, I’m not looking to break down any walls. After everything I’ve been through, I just can’t see that part of my life. Maybe one day.” I try to picture the future, and what it could be like.
We work a little while longer until everything is out of the way, then we put some old sheets over the couches and chairs so they don’t get any paint on them. She directs me as to what needs to be painted, and how to paint correctly, and we get going. Most people know what a perfectionist I am when I start something, so I take my time, making sure it’s perfect. So obviously, it takes me longer to do this than most, but if it keeps Alice and James from having to fix it, where they can just sit in this room and enjoy it, I’m happy to do it, especially since they are putting me up for a while.
