Escaping Parker, page 16
I’m suddenly gutted inside. I scoot back in my seat, trying to get separation between us. This is all a little much right now, but I continue to listen to what he has to say.
“I went out to the store to pick up some stuff, and all day something felt off. I rushed home when she wasn’t answering her phone. I knew something was wrong, because she always answered her phone. Nothing could’ve prepared me for what was waiting for me. Marie was sitting with her husband at the table, but you could see the discomfort in her body. I had to think quickly, get her away from him, and get him out of the house. I caught his attention and that’s when he lifted his gun. I watched him get up and walk over to me, then I grabbed my gun from my waistband. I yelled for him to leave or I would shoot him. But he didn’t listen to me. He called to Marie, told her to get up and come over to him. She did reluctantly, and as soon as she got close enough, he threw her in front of him like a shield, gun pointed right at her head. The fear I saw in her eyes was enough, so I raised my gun a little more, telling him to drop the gun and let her go. He warned me that if I didn’t put my gun down he was going to shoot her. I stayed in my spot, challenging him. Her eyes pleaded with me to do as he asked. I thought I had a clear shot.” Rig’s voice cracks. “He shot her right in front of me. I watched her limp body fall to the floor and my heart died right there with her. I lost control. I shot him multiple times, even knowing the first shot killed him, and it did nothing to stop me from emptying my clip. I fell back with the force of the gun, on top of a broken glass table. That’s where the scars came from. He took her from me, and I was going to make sure he was never alive to take another thing from anybody.”
I’m sick to my stomach, and flashes of Steven cloud my head. This sick violent circle I seem to be living in. I can’t imagine how it must have been coming home to that. I should be sympathizing with him, and all I am doing is getting scared and angry that he has been hiding this from me.
“I’m so fucking tired of the things I love in life being taken from me. That’s why I choose to be on the road. If you don’t get close to anything, there isn’t anything to lose. This is why I have to leave. I refuse to let this keep happening. So I prevent myself from getting hurt. First my sister’s death ripped my family apart, then Marie. I just can’t take much more.”
“So this, between us, this is all a matter of convenience for you? Do you do this with all the women you hide? Do you tell them what they want to hear, pretend you like them so you get your kicks in while you are around, then you leave?” I say disgusted.
“No, I told you from the beginning I stay away from my clients.”
“That didn’t stop you from staying away from me. Why do I not believe you right now?” I stomp to the other side of the room.
“It’s different with you. You have to believe that, Parker. I never promised you anything, I told you I was going to leave.”
“Just because you told me that doesn’t make it ok. You built up this whole thing here knowing you were hiding this. You were going to leave before you ever had to tell me anything. Did you even care about me at all?”
“I don’t know how you could even ask me that. Parker, I care about you. You mean so much to me, and that’s why I have to leave. This isn’t fair to either of us. I’m never going to be what you want. I knew the second you found out you wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me. You think this is easy? You think I don’t go to sleep every night wondering if me leaving is the right choice. I fucking love you, Parker. I love you so much that I have to let you go before something happens to rip you away from me.” he screams across the room.
“You have a really shitty way of showing that.” Tears build in my eyes, but I fight to not let them out.
“I’m sorry.” He moves closer to me.
“Don’t come near me. I can’t deal with this right now. All this, just some big show. My life was already messed up enough before you came along.”
“I’m not trying to make anything harder on you. If anything, I’m trying to make it easier. I don’t know what to do. I want to be with you, I want to stay here so much. I just don’t know how to do that and not live in a constant state of fear that I’m going to let you down like I let Marie down. I should have been there. I promised to keep her safe, and I didn’t. I can’t let that happen to you. I care about you too much.”
“I’ll make it really easy for you, Rig. I think it’s time for you to leave. I can handle my own life from here on out. You can go help another damsel in distress, prey on her insecurities. I’ll be fine here. Just give me Andrews’s number in case I ever need it. Because this is never going to work between us, you’ve made that very clear. I’ve had all I can take for one life time. I need you to go because I want to be alone now.” The second the words leave my lips my heart stops.
“If that’s what you want. I’ll get my things,” he says and walks out of the room.
Nothing in my head is making sense right now. I’m so angry at him, at myself for getting caught up in this stupid situation. I can’t believe I was naive enough to think that this was going to work between us. I need him to go, to break this fucking cycle that I have been living in. I need to do what’s best for me, and being around him isn’t what’s good for me right now.
The scariest part of all of this is that I have no clue what is real or fake anymore. I want to believe that Rig leaving is what’s best for me, but I don’t think it really is. I don’t know how I let my heart get so invested in this. This was only supposed to be about me leaving, getting away and being safe.
I remain at the table until the front door slaps shut. His truck roars to life, crunching down the driveway, my heart being dragged with it. I’m not sure how all of this happened. Things were so good, I was living, and my heart was finally starting to beat again. I thought that this was something that could’ve lasted.
Not having the energy to change, I crawl into bed, bury my head in the pillow, and pull the blankets over my head.
Like a ton of bricks, it hits me: I just let the best thing I had go, and it hurts deeper than I could’ve ever imagined. The first sob takes over, and before I know it, I’m a full-on crying mess. Regretting the whole night and how stupid I was. How unsupportive I was, how he was reaching out to me, telling me everything, and I shut him out. I freaked out and pushed him so far away that I left no path open to coming back.
I’m so disappointed in myself, thinking I was stronger and could handle it, I cry myself to sleep.
The days get longer, lonely, full of regret, and they never end. Waking up alone on Christmas day is never something I thought would happen. The only reason I’m getting out of bed is because the coffee pot is in the kitchen.
Getting out of bed takes every bit of effort I have. I throw on my robe and slippers and make my way to the kitchen. I pass the Christmas tree Rig brought home, but after he left, I never had the want to decorate it. It’s bare and looks just as sad as I feel inside. The tree serves as a reminder of how much I messed up. Rig hasn’t tried to get in touch with me once, and I haven’t tried to call him, either, fearful that he won’t want to talk to me after I kicked him out. I’ve had this whole speech planned out in my head of the things I would say to him if I got the chance. How sorry I would tell him I was.
Something catches my eyes in the branches. A small silver wrapped box sits perched among the needles. I grab the package and sit down on the floor in front of the tree, flipping it over and over in my hands. Curiosity gets the best of me and I finally start to slowly peel back the sparkly paper. I’m careful not to rip it, wanting to keep it perfect for reasons unknown.
When I finally get the box open, I’m stunned into silence at what’s inside. A tiny silver chain with a heart pendent sits neatly inside. I take it out, holding onto the cool, metal heart, and turn it over in my hand, admiring this gift. I go to put it back inside the box when I see a little note inside:
You already have a heart of gold,
so I thought you might like to have one in silver.
Stay strong, Parker, you will make it.
Rig.
Just when I think I can’t get any sadder, it turns out I can. It leads me to think of all the stupid things that came out of my mouth, and how I could ever possibly fix this situation. Knowing I need to talk to him, but not having it in me to call him, I decide on calling Andrew to check in with him.
I grab my phone, scroll through the only three numbers I actually have, and hit call on Andrew’s name.
“Parker, is everything alright?” he asks.
“Yes, I’m ok. Merry Christmas, how is everything going over there?” I ask, hoping he will tell me something about Rig.
“Good. We’ve been watching out for any sign of movement and nothing seems to be going on anywhere. How’s the new job?”
“It’s good, not very exciting, and definitely not something I would’ve picked with my background. But it works.”
“Well, maybe you’ll find something else later on. For now though, I think this is a step in the right direction.”
“Maybe. Have you heard from Rig? Because I haven’t and . . . I don’t know.”
“Yes, he’s here. I heard what happened. I’m sorry if he crossed the line with you, Parker. He knows how I feel about that. We discussed it when he got back.”
“No need to apologize, it’s kind of my fault, anyway. I just want him to know how sorry I am for the way I acted.”
“Why don’t you give him a call?”
“I can’t right now. Things didn’t really go down very nicely on my part. I’m sure he doesn’t even want to hear from me, anyway.”
“Look, I’m not going to say I was happy when he told me, but he has been through a lot. He doesn’t think I understand why he is the way he is, but I do. I do the things I do because of the heartache my family has been through. I know he cares deeply for you; I just think he is scared that if he didn’t let you go, you would end up the same as Marie. Give it some time, though, things will work themselves out.”
I sigh. “I don’t think it will. Well, I’ll let you go enjoy your time with your family. Thanks for the chat.”
“You can call anytime, Parker. We’re here for you.”
“Thanks, Andrew. Bye.” I quickly hang up the phone before I get emotional.
My loneliness starts to get the best of me. Nothing seems more depressing than spending the holidays by yourself, alone in a house. There’s no cookies baking in the oven, no Christmas dinner cooking. Not being able to open gifts with your family, hug them, and enjoy the time together. You never really understand how you take all these things for granted.
I make coffee, go back to bed, and sulk the rest of the day away. I start to wonder what my parents are doing, and how they must be handling the holidays. Do they think I’m dead, unable to be happy? I’m constantly inside my head, thinking and reflecting on the choices I’ve made I’m so used to being told that everything that happened was because of me, that I’m incapable of being a good wife. It’s made me think that maybe I’m not cut out for a relationship. Maybe I’m destined to be alone.
My pity party, with me as the guest of honor, continues when plop on the couch and flip on an old black and white Christmas movie, something I could see my family watching together, all of us snuggled on the couch. Times were so much easier back then. I never heard of these battered wives, roles were simple, and families stayed together. I don’t know when things changed in this world, but they didn’t change for the better.
When the movie is over, I grab a dinner out of the freezer to throw in the microwave, not wanting to fuss with cooking for only me. But even the food tastes sad, freezer burnt and bitter as it sits on my tongue. I check my phone, making sure I haven’t missed any calls, and contemplate calling Rig several times. His voice would sooth me. It takes everything I have not to call and apologize. I just don’t think he wants to hear from me right now, if ever.
I have to stay strong and hope this weekend passes by, so I can get back to work and have a distraction, something I can do other than sit here. I’ll have Mindy there, someone I can talk to other than myself. I should really look into getting a dog so I’m not so lonely, but the thought of leaving them alone all day while I’m at work hardly seems fair.
I’ve thought about giving up everything I’ve worked hard for, wondering if going back to California would make things easier, run back to my old hell. The only thing that’s keeping me from doing that is all the effort everyone has put in getting me where I am. I wouldn’t want to let anybody down, but I don’t know if I deserve this. I thought I was ready for it, but I’m not doing so well on my own out here.
I finish up dinner and head back to my little room, consumed in all my thoughts, crying on and off all day. I beg my eyes to close so I can cross off one more day and get closer to being back at work.
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Most people wish for the work day to hurry up and end. I, on the other hand, beg for time to slow down so I don’t have to go home to an empty house.
It’s been nine days since I asked Rig to leave, nine days since my heart has beat, and nine days since I have smiled. I thought I made the best decision I could after the truths he was hiding were revealed, exploding everything.
Never in my wildest dreams did I expect him to drop that bomb on me. I always knew things happened other than the tragedy with his sister, I just never knew how far he had taken things.
I felt the safest I had in a long time with him around. I knew he would’ve protected me with his life if I needed him to, but I just can’t be the reason he would ever have someone else’s blood on his hands.
The same things I’m running from came face to face with me. It scares me that he will never recover from that day, and I don’t fully understand the anger that still lives deep inside him. I couldn’t be certain that if it came down to a shoot-to-kill moment that he wouldn’t hesitate to do so. Knowing how he acts purely on impulse is one of the greatest, yet scariest things to be around.
Andrew has called several times to keep me updated on everything, and make sure I’m doing alright down here by myself. Every time he mentions Rig’s name I stop him, unable to handle the feelings that surge through me.
I don’t know if I will ever get over Rig, or know that I made the right decision based on my future, and that regret haunts me every second of the day. He was the only one I didn’t have to pretend around, I could just be myself, flaws and all. He accepted every single one of them, and I threw his back in his face. If I could measure how awful I felt inside the moment I scolded him for being human, it would be off the scales. I pushed him to come clean even after I assured him nothing he could’ve said would ever make me run.
Where do I go from here? Do I fight to get him back, or should I just let it go and accept this as the fresh start I need? My heart tells me to fight, find a way to get him to come back, tell him that I need him.
With my brain so foggy, and being alone on New Year’s Eve, I decide to drown my sorrows in a bottle of wine and pass out before the clock strikes midnight. There is no part of me that wants to bring in the new year alone.
So I hop in a shower to rinse off after a long day at work.
Walking down the hall I pass by Rig’s old room. I brush my hand against the door, wishing he was still here.
But he isn’t.
A creak from his room makes me pause, but I know he isn’t here. A weird feeling envelopes my body. Opening the door, I look in to find nothing out of place. Probably just my conscience haunting me.
Once I grab some comfy clothes out of my drawers, I head to the shower, taking as much time as I can. When the hot water hits my skin, it tingles, making me realize I’m still very much alive, even though I feel dead inside without Rig here.
The water starts running cold, and I decide it’s time to get out and grab a drink and try to get to sleep.
Grabbing the wine bottle and a large cup from cabinet, I uncork it and fill the glass up to the top.
I check the clock and it’s already ten o’clock, so I turn the TV on, hoping I can find anything other than New Year’s programs of couples kissing and all that cute bullshit.
Finding a movie, I sit back and drink up, sulking alone, not very interested about what’s playing on the TV.
So I settled in bed, with my glass next to me on a box that I use as my makeshift nightstand, and lean back against my pillow. Finishing off the wine, I scoot down in my bed and beg for sleep to come take me away.
A banging against a wall puts me on edge. Must be the wind. Another storm blowing into town. But I can’t squelch this nagging feeling, so I get up to go check around.
Walking out to the living room, I hear the noise coming from the porch, a thump-thump that makes my skin crawl. Opening the door slowly, I see the bird feeder I hung last week banging against the wall. A long, slow exhale parts my lips. I close the door and lock it up, walking around to all the windows to make sure they’re locked too. A few steps down the hall, a chill runs down my arms, sending goose bumps crawling over my whole body.
My brain is screaming at me something is wrong. I scurry to call Andrew, but when I get back to my room my phone is gone. I swear I plugged it in next to my bed. Panic takes over, and I run to the kitchen to grab a knife. Somebody’s in my house messing with me.
My fingers curl around the cold hilt as I creep slowly into the dark living room. I go to turn on a lamp, but before I reach the switch, a hand stops me.
“Your little light won’t reveal anything you don’t already know.” Steven’s voice slithers through the dark room, and my heart stops.
“Before you even try to scream or run, I must warn you: you have no neighbors, nobody will hear you, and it will just irritate me more than I already am.” Shadows play on his tight face.
My brain tells me to run as fast as I can out of this house, but my legs are frozen in place. I slowly slip the knife in the waistband of my sweats, making as little movement as possible.
