Never Stopped Loving You, page 11
“Anyway, he didn’t want us to leave until the new blood test came back. He said she has some kind of infection but I don’t remember what he called it.” Kate’s emotions were getting the best of her as she struggled to get the words out.
“Breathe, Kate. It’s okay.” Elizabeth did her best to remain calm for her sister, though she was on the verge of tears herself.
“What if it isn’t?” Kate sobbed as she laid her head on her sister’s shoulder.
“It will be,” Elizabeth assured her.
“You’re right.”
Elizabeth noticed the hospital bed behind them was empty. “Where is she?”
“They took her to do a CT scan. That was a while ago, though, so she should be back soon.”
“Until then, let’s get you some coffee. We’re going to get through this.”
Just then, an orderly wheeled Diane back into the room. Though she looked tired, she was smiling at her daughters and it gave both her girls a sense of relief.
“Mom!” Elizabeth jumped up and wrapped her arms around her.
“Hello, my love.”
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for your appointment.” Guilt was apparent on Elizabeth’s face. She had spent the whole drive to the hospital beating herself up for missing the appointment just to avoid Nathan.
“It’s all right, baby.”
“It isn’t. I came home to take care of you and I wasn’t there.”
“You had your reasons,” Diane said with an understanding expression on her face.
“It’s no excuse.”
“We’re not going to fuss about this.” Diane’s voice suddenly sounded stern. “What I want is for you girls to come here and listen to me.”
Elizabeth helped her mother from the wheelchair to the hospital bed.
“Yes, momma.” Kate sat down beside her.
“Sit,” the older woman ordered Elizabeth.
Elizabeth readily took her place beside her mother.
“I’m not afraid to die. I’ve lived a good life,” Diane began, much to her daughters’ horror. Neither could imagine a world without their mother in it.
“Don’t talk like that.” Kate gasped.
“I need to say this, and you girls need to listen,” Diane continued, looking even wearier.
“We’re listening,” Elizabeth whispered.
“What I’m afraid of is leaving you alone and unhappy.”
“We’re happy, mom.” Kate was eager for her mother to leave the morbid talk behind her.
“And we aren’t alone. We have each other.”
“I don’t want either of you to let the pain of the past steal the happiness of your future,” Diane pushed on, not yet satisfied that her daughters were truly understanding her meaning.
“Mom,” Kate uttered, but Diane hushed her.
“No, you’re both holding on to the wrong memories.”
“What do you mean?” Elizabeth asked.
“There was so much good before that pain.” Diane squeezed her hand tightly.
“Yes, there was.” Elizabeth knew that her mother was right. She had been trying to keep those memories at bay.
“But he ruined that. He stole those happy memories.” Kate’s tone was more hurt than angry. Although she didn’t mention Nathan’s name, it was clear who she was talking about.
“The only one who can ruin your memories is you, my angel.”
Kate lowered her eyes, disarmed by her mother’s peaceful smile. Now that Diane was sick, it was more important than ever to hold on to their happy family memories. “You’re right,” she whispered.
“Of course. I’m your mother,” Diane said with a wink.
“We love you so much.” Elizabeth was eager to wrap up the conversation so her mother could rest.
“I’m not done yet. I don’t care if you end up with Nathan or not…”
“Mom, you don’t need to be worrying about that. You need to focus on your health.”
“Listen to me. I don’t care if you end up with him. I just want you to be open to whatever the future holds, no matter what it might be. Live life with you heart open. That’s what I want for you both,” Diane told them, tears shimmering in her eyes. “Promise me that.”
“I promise.” Elizabeth realized for the first time just how closed off she had been for years, not just to Nathan but to everyone.
“Me too”, Kate said, letting her mother’s words sink in.
“That’s my good girls.” She took Elizabeth’s hand in hers and recited a verse from the Bible, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
Elizabeth took a deep breath, absorbing the wisdom of the verse.
“I’m going to close my eyes and rest now.” Diane lay back on the bed.
“We’ll be right here when you wake up,” Elizabeth assured her.
“We love you,” Kate added.
Chapter 22
Elizabeth walked into the doctor’s lounge at the hospital and felt as though she had stepped back in time. So little had changed since her last time there. Even the smell was the same.
“I haven’t been here in years,” she mused as she took in her surroundings. Even some of the posters on the wall were unchanged, with images of nature and messages about team building. She couldn’t help but laugh. It felt good to do so. Her mother had been in the hospital for the past three days and this was her first time away from Diane’s room. Bill and Kate had wanted her to go home and rest but a quick trip to the doctor’s lounge was all she would agree to.
“You’ve missed the luxurious staff lounge,” William teased. He knew, of course, that she was exhausted. They all did. She hadn’t slept a wink since her mother was admitted. He wouldn’t have gotten her out of that hospital room at all if her mom hadn’t finally started to show some improvement. He and Kate had been so worried about her and all they wanted was for her to get a few minutes of rest.
“More than you know,” she said as she sunk into the couch.
“Let me grab you some water.”
“Thanks.” Her eyelids were drooping as she fought off sleep. She wasn’t ready to rest yet. She couldn’t shake the feeling that, if she closed her eyes, something terrible would happen.
“You look a mess.” William stared at her as though he feared she would faint at any moment.
“I feel a mess.” She ran her hand through her hair as she tried to focus on the conversation.
“How’s your mom?” He had, of course, been watching her medical chart closely and knew she was indeed doing better, but he wanted Elizabeth to have to admit out loud that her mother was through the worst of the infection.
“The antibiotics seem to be working. She’ll probably be able to go home in a few days.”
“That’s what I’ve heard.”
“I’m so relieved. Those first few days were touch and go.”
“She’s going to be fine.” William knew that Nathan hadn’t left the hospital since Diane was admitted either. The man had been like a machine, doing all he could to help her.
“In my heart, I know that, but I can’t stop thinking about it,” she said as tears welled in her eyes. In that moment, it was all too much.
“I understand that.”
“I’m a nurse. I should know better.”
“You’re also a daughter. It’s okay to be upset.”
“I’m just exhausted.” As soon as she pushed thoughts of her ill mother from her mind, Nathan’s face appeared in front of her eyes. Every moment she wasn’t worried for her mother, she was analyzing what had happened between Nathan and her days before.
“But not just because of your mom, right?”
“Actually, it is because of her,” Elizabeth said with a sad smile. Her mother’s words about living her life with an open heart had shaken her to her core. For the first time since Nathan walked out on their wedding, she had actually been forced to imagine what life would be like if she allowed herself to love him again. She was starting to believe that they could both be truly happy if she not only forgave him, but embraced her own feelings for him. She just wasn’t sure she was strong enough to take that leap. “She said something to me the other day that stuck with me,” she began, trying to think of the best way to explain her mother’s sage warning to a confirmed bachelor.
“What was that?” Though he loved her dearly, he knew that the only person who could give her the comfort that she needed during this difficult time was Nathan. He just needed her to realize that fact as well.
“She said I need to live life with my heart open.” She paused to take a sip of water, waiting to see how William would react to her words.
“She’s right.” He sat beside her and gently took her hand.
“I think she is. I just don’t know what to do about it.”
“I think maybe you do know.” William knew her well enough to read her expression.
“I’m not sure I remember how to love without fear.”
“You’re the most loving person I know. It’s in your nature to be open and loving. You’ll figure it out.”
“It’s too much to deal with right now.” She kept telling herself that she didn’t need to think about it now. What she needed was to concentrate on helping her mother. She knew, though, that she was lying to herself. She needed to make a decision and soon.
“If not now, when?”
“When mom’s okay.”
“Is that what she wants?” The blessing and curse of having old friends, she realized in that moment, is that they know you well enough to understand without you having to explain anything. No matter how she wanted to keep her internal struggle from William, he could see it as clearly as if it were written on her skin.
“She wants me to find a way to let go of the pain.”
“And she’s right. You need to be the open girl you used to be,” he advised, remembering how she had once worn her heart on her sleeve.
“I wish I could.”
“I need to be honest with you,” he said hesitantly. He had never planned to tell her about his feelings, but he suddenly realized that he wasn’t living with an open heart either. To do so, he had to be honest with his friend, no matter how much he dreaded it.
“Okay.” She knew him well enough to know that whatever he had to tell her was serious and she flashed back to her mother’s words about how she suspected William felt about her.
“I’ve loved you for years,” he blurted out, as fast as he could just to get it over with.
“William.” She gasped, unable to comprehend that it was really true.
“I need you to listen to me,” he continued.
“I don’t know what to say.” She tried to wrap her mind around the fact that he had somehow loved her for so long and she had never noticed. She felt awful, playing back in her mind every time she was sure that that love must have caused him pain over the years.
“I love you and I want you to be happy and I think you know how to be happy again,” he said, unconcerned with his own feelings. What William needed her to understand was that he wasn’t just a friend offering her advice. He was someone who loved her deeply and wanted her to be truly happy. As much as he wished he could give her that happiness, he knew that it was only Nathan who could heal her wounded heart.
“I’m afraid.”
“I love you both and I think you love each other.” He wiped a tear away as it rolled down her cheek. “I know he loves you.” There was no doubt at all in his tone and she couldn’t understand how he could believe it so fully.
“How can you be so sure?”
“He told me.”
“He said it to me too. That doesn’t mean it’ll last. He left me before,” she reminded him, every possible emotion swirling inside her.
“He never stopped loving you.”
“You can’t know that.”
“I do. I’ve seen him mope around for years. He’s been searching for what he lost with you since the moment you left.” He remembered all the times over the years he had watched Nathan stumble around, trying to recreate what he had lost.
“I don’t know what to believe.” She was too exhausted to process all her thoughts.
“What does your heart tell you?” he asked, simplifying it for her.
“My heart has missed him.”
“And…” he pressed, not willing to let her pull back from the breakthrough she just had.
“And I love him,” she whispered. The words didn’t come with the usual pain. Instead, her heart suddenly filled with hope.
“Then you have your answer,” he said with a sad smile, reminding her that this must be painful for him.
“I never knew you felt like you do about me.”
“Because it doesn’t matter.”
“It matters.”
“I love you enough to know who you really belong with.” He kissed her gently on the forehead.
“Thank you.” She hugged him, so thankful to have such a selfless friend in her life. “What if he hurts me again?”
“I can’t promise that he won’t. What I can say is that he’s a different man than he was then. He knows what matters most now.” William knew that it was true. If it wasn’t, he would never have been his advocate.
“I know he’s a good man.” She had never doubted that. Even when he broke her heart, she had never ceased to believe in the quality of his character. It was what made him such a good doctor.
“He is,” he replied, sensing that something was still holding her back.
“I need to think.” She stood up abruptly.
“Head to your spot then.”
“My spot. Right!” She smiled, immediately knowing what he meant although she hadn’t been in the place that he referred to in eight years. “You’re amazing.”
“I try.”
“Someday you’re going to find a woman who deserves you.”
“I doubt it. I’m a catch,” he said with his usual smirk, making her laugh out loud.
“I’ll talk to you soon,” she called over her shoulder as she rushed out the door and toward the place that always managed to give her clarity.
Chapter 23
Elizabeth sat on the roof of the hospital as she watched the beautiful orange hues of the sunset reflected on the lake. She had always loved sitting there when she needed a moment to herself, or when she had a chance to see Nathan while they were coworkers in love. Sitting there, she let the good memories from their past flow freely through her mind and she stopped fighting what her heart already knew. Nathan was the love of her life. Putting the past behind them might be difficult, but she knew that she had to trust him and open her heart to him once more. If not, she would only spend a lifetime punishing herself for things in the past that couldn’t be changed.
Just as she was about to stand up to find him and tell him just that, she heard the door to the roof open. There, right in front of her, stood Nathan. With her heart finally open to him, it was almost too much to take in all at once.
“You startled me.”
“I saw Bill and he said I might find you here.” He sounded breathless as though he had run there. When he saw William in the doctor’s lounge moments ago, his friend told him that he needed to find Elizabeth as soon as he could.
“Is mom okay?” Elizabeth was suddenly worried that he had rushed to find her because she was needed.
“She’s fine.” He was still trying to catch his breath.
“Oh, thank goodness.” She sighed in relief.
He stood there, just staring at her lovely face as the gentle rays of sunset illuminated her skin. She was almost too beautiful.
“Were you crying?”
“Yes.” She looked off into the distance as she tried to shape the words she needed to say to him.
“I don’t want you to be sad. I know that I’ve hurt you, that I still hurt you. I wish I could change it,” he told her, his expression so torn and pained that she couldn’t doubt that he meant it.
“That’s not why I was crying.” She closed the distance between them in a few slow steps, taking his hands in hers and looking up into his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” He saw fresh tears welling in her eyes.
“Nothing’s wrong. I finally realized what’s right.” She smiled up at him through tears of joy. It felt so good to let love back into her heart.
“I don’t think I understand.” He lifted his hand and gently pressed it against her face.
“My mom and Bill both told me I need to live life with an open heart again,” she said, as though it were the most logical of explanations for her crying on the hospital roof.
“This makes you cry?”
“I came up here to think,” she explained, placing her hand over his own upon her cheek, savoring his touch and the bond that had always been between them.
“And?” he asked, unsure how her tender actions connected to her tears or vague words.
“And I realized that they’re right. No more apologies. The past is the past.” She slid her arms around his waist as she spoke.
“If you say so.” He lay his cheek on top of her head and wrapped her in a hug. He wanted nothing more than to beg her to forgive him and love him again. But he kept quiet and waited patiently for her to make her point.
Elizabeth remained silent for a few long moments, her face pressed against his chest. Listening to his uneven breathing, she inhaled his warm, masculine scent.
“I mean it. That’s the point. I’ve been letting the past define my future… our future.”
“Our future?” He pulled back far enough to look into her eyes as he asked her the most important question he ever had. “Are you saying there is a chance for us?”
“Yes. I’ve been using the bad memories as a shield,” she explained. “I’ve hidden behind them to keep you or anyone else from hurting me again.”
He struggled to believe that she was giving him a second chance. “What are you saying to me right now?”
“I’m telling you that I don’t want to hide behind those memories anymore.” She smiled up at him with the bright light of love that he remembered so dearly from their relationship.
