Dark Horse, page 8
“Sorry,” Holly whispered, her face openly displaying her regret at touching such a sensitive topic so soon.
“No worries,” Sadie whispered back. She sat back in her chair and exhaled slowly. “It’s why I’m here, after all. There’d be no other reason for me to come back here. I can’t pretend it’s easy, but at the end of the day, she is my mum.”
They sipped their drinks quietly for a few moments.
“So,” Sadie said eventually, her own curiosity coming to the fore. “What exactly did your mum tell you about me?”
Holly blushed. “Shit, I’m so sorry about that.”
Sadie shrugged.
“Well, she said that you had been…well, a bit wild. Always in trouble. She kind of assumed that hadn’t changed.”
Sadie laughed, but it sounded empty even to her own ears. “Yeah, I reckon there’ll be a lot of people who will remember who I was and assume that nothing’s changed. I don’t really care what other people think, though. I know I’m better than the person I was then. My gran and Nicole, my best mate, know too. That’s all I need, really.” She struggled to keep the defensive tone out of her voice.
Holly reached across and gently touched her arm. Sadie stared at the warm fingers on her skin for a moment, then looked up into Holly’s eyes.
“Why are we here?” she asked. The question came unbidden, and she flinched slightly as Holly blinked rapidly. She instantly regretted putting the other woman on the spot, but before she could apologise, Holly spoke.
“I guess I thought you looked like you could do with someone to talk to.” She exhaled and swallowed. “Here on your own, having to deal with…stuff. Somehow, I just didn’t want you to have to do that alone.” She looked away from Sadie, her blush very apparent even in the fading evening light. Sadie knew that answer wasn’t the whole of it, but she also knew it wasn’t the time to press. There was clearly something happening between them, and she had no idea if she wanted to pursue it or not, so she wouldn’t push. A romantic, or even just physical, entanglement was not something she’d be looking for on this trip.
Of course, sometimes things appeared even when you weren’t looking for them.
“So,” she said quietly, after a few moments, catching Holly’s attention again. “What’s your story? How long have you worked at the hotel?”
Holly shot her a grateful look at the sudden shift in direction of their conversation.
“Well, technically I’ve worked there since I was about sixteen, which is when my parents took over the hotel. I’d help out in the office, stock up the breakfast room, stuff like that. When I graduated, I didn’t really know what to do with myself. Mum suggested I work full-time with them until I did know. Their receptionist had just left to have a baby, so it all kind of fit.”
“Do you like it?”
“Um…it’s okay. Just not really what I pictured myself doing when I was at uni, you know?” She sighed, and took a few more gulps of her beer.
“So, what do you want to do?”
Holly smiled ruefully. “Yeah, that’s the problem. I still don’t really know.” She paused and then let out a sharp breath. “It’s like, my whole life I’ve been working really hard to get a good degree, get myself set up for a proper career—didn’t want to end up doing a nothing job—and now, suddenly, here I am with a degree in my pocket, and I have no idea any more what I want. It’s so not like me, and I’m… Well, I’m having a hard time trying to figure out why, actually.”
“I fell into my job,” Sadie mused. “Wasn’t exactly a top student at school here or in Manly, which is where I live now. Just about finished high school, although it was hard after all the upheaval of transferring. Then just drifted around doing pizza delivery and stuff for a few months, until Nicole saw an ad for a job in a cafe about twenty minutes walk from where I live. Now, I manage the place. I love it, and I wouldn’t want any other job.”
Holly smiled. “Lucky you.” Her voice was wistful.
“I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes you don’t really need it all mapped out. Sometimes it all just kind of happens.”
Holly nodded, her gaze unfocused while she finished her beer.
“Another?” Sadie asked, motioning to Holly’s empty bottle.
“Sure.” Holly brought her gaze round to fix on Sadie’s, and their eyes locked for a moment. Sadie blinked once, astonished at the heat that passed between them in that one look. She stood quickly, breaking the spell, reaching for the wallet she’d tucked into the back pocket of her jeans. No matter what sparks were flying between them, she wasn’t going to go there. She needed to just get through this week—visit with her mum, maybe see how things were with Izzy, avoid her father. If she could manage all that, it would be a week well spent. Anything else would simply get in the way. No matter how tempting a guise it wore in the face and body of Holly O’Brien.
They drank their second beers as they made small talk about Ballarat and its changes over the years. They decided to eat at the pub, neither of them interested in losing their comfy spot in the garden. They ordered burgers with a shared order of fries, laughing as they split the portion into two distinct halves so that Holly could smother hers in ketchup, and Sadie’s with mayo.
When they’d finished, the conversation somehow returned to Holly’s predicament over her career.
“I just don’t know what’s going on with me,” she said, exhaling in obvious exasperation.
“Did you get pressure from your parents to push for this degree? I mean, you haven’t mentioned any brothers or sisters, so are you an only child? Did they pin all their ambitions on you?”
“No, nothing like that. And no, I don’t have siblings. Mum…she almost didn’t survive my birth, so they decided then and there that one child was all they would have. And yes, they’ve smothered me with love and attention my whole life but not in an overwhelming way.” She smiled. “More like they’re just grateful they got me, and they wanted me to always know that. But no pressure on school or a career. I was just naturally bright and loved learning, so it totally came from me to push myself to do as well as I could.” The statement didn’t come across as arrogant, and somehow Sadie knew that wasn’t in Holly’s nature. “And I mean, of course they were pleased, because they’re both pretty smart and well educated too. But I always knew that even if I didn’t turn out to be that academically minded, they’d have supported me just as much.”
“So, maybe that’s it. Maybe you achieved what you set out to, academically, so now your brain is like, okay, what the hell is next?”
“Yeah, maybe.” Holly grinned. “Perhaps I should go off and do an MBA or something, just keep studying until I get some kind of inspiration about a job.”
Sadie chuckled. “Assuming you live at home with your parents, do you think they’d be willing to support you for another few years?”
Holly laughed out loud. “I doubt it! They love me, but I’m thinking they probably wouldn’t want to bankroll me forever.”
“What about taking a year off to travel—loads of young people do it. I’ve got a kid working for me at the moment who’s planning to do that next year.”
Holly pursed her lips, looking thoughtful. “You know, someone else suggested that. But I don’t really have anyone in a similar position who could go with me, and I definitely would be too scared to do it on my own. The farthest I’ve ever been from home is Melbourne.” She looked embarrassed. “Mum and Dad were always way too busy for us to have exotic holidays. Any time away we spent as a family was down on the Great Ocean Road, camping.”
“I’ve never been,” Sadie admitted and laughed at Holly’s shocked expression.
“Seriously? It’s like, just down the road, and you’ve never been?”
“I know.” Sadie ran her hands through her hair and puffed out a breath of frustration at the memories that suddenly crowded her brain. Her parents “discussing” holiday plans—which meant her father dictating his ideas and her mother capitulating.
“My father has always been big on local politics. He’s on the council, has been for years. He’d love to make mayor one day. It’s his biggest ambition in life. So our holidays were always short breaks, nothing too far away from home, so that he was always available for all the ‘important’—” she used her fingers to make air quotes around that word, “—stuff he had to do. And he hates the beach, with a passion.” She snorted in derision. “I never saw the ocean until I moved to Manly.”
Holly’s eyes widened comically. “No way! You mean you never even did the hop to Geelong or Torquay?”
Sadie shook her head. “Crazy, huh?”
“Unbelievable,” Holly breathed.
“So,” Sadie said, after a moment. “No boyfriend to go travelling with?”
And the award for biggest fishing attempt goes to…
Holly looked at her, her expression for once unfathomable, and then looked away. “No.” She paused. “And…no girlfriend either,” she said eventually, her voice quiet and yet strangely loud in the space between them. When she dared to look back, Sadie couldn’t help but smile.
“Okay. Me neither,” she replied, and then wondered why she’d felt the need to give away that little nugget of information.
Holly smiled. The silence settled between them again. Only it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was a natural pause in the evening, and they sat with it, watching people, observing interactions, hearing laughter and snippets of shared stories. Sadie let her mind gently focus on Holly’s subtle revealing of her sexuality. Just as gently, she set it aside. For the moment.
Holly cleared her throat. “What time are you seeing your family tomorrow?”
Sadie sighed. In the last few minutes, she had almost forgotten the reason why she was back here. “Gran said any time after ten. My father’s out for the day, thankfully. He and I need to avoid each other. We have…history.” She didn’t feel the need to elaborate on that. “So it’ll just be me, Mum, and Gran. Should make things easier. I hope.”
“Are you nervous about seeing your mum?”
Sadie shrugged, trying to portray an indifference she knew she didn’t actually feel. “Yeah, I guess. Twelve years is a long time.” She glanced up at the night sky. “I should probably get back to my room now,” she said, standing. She didn’t want the evening to end, but the day was catching up with her, and she was stifling a yawn. “I’m pretty tired.”
“Of course.” Holly rose and pulled on her jacket. “Sorry, I completely forgot how long a day you’d had. It’s just… Well, it’s been so good talking with you, sharing this evening with you.” She looked up at Sadie, a shy smile on her face, her eyes honest and earnest.
“Yes, it has. Thank you. I don’t think I would have liked to spend this evening on my own.” Without thinking, she reached out and brushed Holly’s fingers with her own. She saw, rather than heard, the brief intake of breath, saw the slight widening of her eyes, and inwardly cursed herself again. Back off. Don’t make this more than it should be. She pulled her hand back quickly.
They walked back mostly in silence. As they neared the turn-off for the street where the hotel was located, Holly slowed her steps.
“I’m going straight home,” she said, not meeting Sadie’s eyes, and pointing vaguely farther forward in the direction they were walking. “Our house is about five minutes’ walk that way.”
“Shall I walk you home?” Sadie asked quietly. She wasn’t comfortable letting her walk home alone at this hour, especially given what Judy had said earlier about her worries for Holly being out on her own.
Holly hesitated.
“Come on,” Sadie said, assertively. “Let me.” She wanted just five more minutes together, and quelled the voice in her head that told her she was giving Holly mixed signals.
Holly smiled, and motioned them down the street. “Okay, I accept.” She grinned, and Sadie glowed at the pleasure written all over Holly’s face.
After the brisk walk to Holly’s home, they lingered a little awkwardly at the end of the pathway that led to the front door of the impressive two-storey house.
“Listen, about the run tomorrow,” Holly said, after a few moments. “I will totally understand if you’re not up for it after seeing your mum, okay? Just leave me a message at reception if that’s the case.”
Sadie was grateful for Holly’s astuteness, her awareness that tomorrow was a huge deal for her.
She nodded. “Thanks, that’s good to know. I’ll see how I go.”
Holly smiled.
“Well,” Sadie said, shuffling her feet. “I’ll hopefully see you tomorrow.”
“Bye.” Holly gave her a final, shy smile and then walked up the path.
Sadie waited until she was safely in the house, then quickly made her way back to the hotel.
Back in her room, she undressed and slid under the cool sheets. She texted Nic, telling her she was too tired to talk, and received an immediate answer.
Totally understand. Good luck for tomorrow, I’ll be thinking of you. Call me after xx
Part of Sadie was itching to tell Nic all about her evening with Holly, and yet she was reluctant to verbalise it. She knew an element of that was denial—if she didn’t talk about it, it wouldn’t sound that big a deal. But partly it was because she didn’t understand, herself, how she and Holly had connected so easily, so quickly, and she was scared to admit it out loud. Scared of what it might mean.
* * *
A few blocks away, sleep was the last thing Holly was capable of. She tossed and turned, twisting the doona until eventually she pushed it off her naked body in sheer frustration. She couldn’t help replaying key moments from the evening through her mind’s eye. Sadie’s smile, their obvious comfort with each other, the spark that had lit a fire deep in Holly’s belly at that briefest of touches as they stood up to leave the pub. If she wasn’t careful, she was going to be in big trouble here.
Shit, who was she kidding? She already was in big trouble.
CHAPTER 8
The rain-soaked streets were busy with Saturday shoppers, and Sadie kept the bike at an even pace within the speed limit as she skirted the city centre and rode up Doveton Street North, heading for the golf course. Her family home was in a quiet street in Invermay Park, behind the course. As she pulled into the street, she slowed and eventually stopped some fifty metres from the driveway to the house.
To say she was nervous was an understatement of epic proportions. Her stomach was churning. Her hands were trembling, and her heart was pounding against the inside of her leather jacket. Underlying all of that was the sour taste of old anger coming to the fore. She was trying very hard to keep that down, but it was proving stronger than she’d anticipated.
There was sweat trickling down the back of her neck, but it wasn’t that warm a day. She pulled off her gloves and looked at her fluttering fingers. A wave of nausea swept through her, and she swallowed hard. Looking at the driveway, she was instantly right back there. Saying goodbye to Izzy, getting in the car, ignoring her father. Wondering how her mother could have just sat there and said nothing. Done nothing. Suddenly, she was seventeen again and terrified. Angry. Numb. She pulled the helmet off her head and raised her face upwards, letting the soft rain cool her face, which was hot with the remembered shame and rage.
After a few minutes, she came back to herself, because her face was noticeably wet and cold. She reached into her jacket pocket for the soft cloth she kept there for wiping the helmet visor, using it to wipe her face instead. From the other pocket, she pulled out her phone.
Nicole answered on the third ring, sounding sleepy.
“Hey,” she mumbled. “What’s up?”
“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you,” Sadie said quietly.
“S’okay.”
Sadie heard her yawn, then her voice, stronger, was back in Sadie’s ear.
“What’s going on?”
“Shit, I don’t know. I’m parked just down the road from the house, and I can’t seem to get myself to go the last fifty metres to the front door.” She huffed out a frustrated breath. “I thought I could do this, but now that I’m here, I really don’t know.”
“What is it that’s holding you back? Can you name it?”
Sadie waited a moment, knowing if she admitted it, Nicole would know she had been bluffing all this time.
“Anger,” she said eventually.
“Ah” was all Nicole said.
“What? That’s it?”
“Mm.”
“Jesus, Nic, I need more than that!”
Nicole chuckled. “I’m not trying to be difficult, okay? It’s just, well, I’m glad.”
“Glad? About what?”
“Glad that you’re finally facing up to your anger. I’ve watched you bury it for years, and now it’s coming out and that’s a fucking good thing.”
“How can it be a good thing? I’m… God, I’m ready to walk in there and just scream at her. How can that be good?” Sadie’s frustration climbed. She didn’t want to feel like this. Didn’t want to be this angry person, ready to lash out at her dying mother. How could that be right or fair?
“Because it’s good for you. Because you are the one who was treated like shit all those years ago and who has never let out all that she felt about it. God knows I’ve tried to get you to go and talk to someone over the years, but you’ve always fought me on it. You seemed to think that burying it all was the best way forward. But, in my humble opinion, it just made it a whole lot fucking worse. That’s why I was on at you the other night on the phone about how if it was me, I’d let them have it. Both barrels, full-on. You need to do this, Sades.”
“But, I can’t. She’s dying. How can I march in there and rip her head off? What would that make me?”
“Well, maybe you don’t have to do it that way. Yes, she’s dying. But this is the woman who stood by and let her husband kick you out of the house. She fucking abandoned you. What mother is supposed to do that? So what if she’s dying? Your feelings are still here, aren’t they? You still have to live with what she did to you. Why not get it out? Why not just tell her how you feel? And if you end up shouting a bit, so what? I mean really, so fucking what? Doesn’t she deserve to know what she did to you?”
