Dark Horse, page 19
She decided then and there that total honesty was what was required. If she wanted them to maintain the kind of close relationship they’d had all through her life, she needed her mum to know the real Holly.
“I’ve had five other relationships in my life, Mum. Three with men, then two with women. Sadie is the third woman I’ve been involved with.”
Judy stared at her, her eyes glistening with tears yet to fall.
“I had no idea,” she said quietly, and Holly saw her swallow down a sob. “I-I can’t pretend this isn’t difficult to hear.”
“I know, Mum.” She squeezed her mother’s hand. “But I don’t want to keep things from you anymore, or let you think I’m something I’m not.”
“And this…thing with Sadie. It’s serious? It’s only been a week.”
Holly smiled, gently. “Yes, it has only been a week, but it’s very serious. We’ve spent a lot of time together, and we connect in so many ways. She means a lot to me, Mum.”
Judy’s tears fell then, silently, and she quickly reached into her bag for a tissue to dab them away. She glanced around, probably embarrassed to be coming apart like this in the middle of the shopping mall. When she’d blown her nose a couple of times, she looked back at Holly.
“It’s just, it’s not quite what I imagined for you, growing up.”
“I know. But this makes me happy. She makes me happy. That’s all I can say.”
Judy blew her nose again and reached for a second tissue. She blotted her eyes and cheeks a few more times, then breathed out heavily.
“Just give me some time, please, sweetheart. To get used to the idea. Just…some time.”
* * *
“This is just so fucking awesome!” Nicole was practically yelling at the FaceTime call screen. “I’ve wanted something like this for you for so long.”
“I know.” Sadie grinned. “Me too. Well, now I’ve got it, it seems. Holly’s…well, she’s just amazing. It’s the only word I keep coming up with.” It had been fun—and strangely thrilling—updating her friends on developments in her relationship with Holly. And it was a relationship, a real grown-up one, the first time in her life she’d experienced the concept. It gave her a buzz even just thinking about it.
Nicole gave her a cheesy double thumbs up. Tash sat beside her, rolling her eyes in mock horror.
“I’m really pleased for you,” Tash said, in her more understated way. “We can’t wait to meet her.”
“Yeah, well, I’ll see what I can do about that.”
“Hey,” Nicole said, “in all the drama of Holly having to leave the other night, you never told me how it went with Izzy.”
Sadie groaned. “Probably because I was trying to forget it.”
“That bad?”
“Oh, yeah. Actually, it annoyed the shit out of me.” She filled them in on how the lunchtime meeting went and Luke’s asinine behaviour. The bit that hurt her most—Izzy’s seeming collusion—brought gasps of disbelief from Nic.
“Luke’s a total fucking asshole!” Nic declared. Tash simply shook her head.
“Ah, forget him,” Sadie said. “Something tells me he won’t last long. But Izzy? What is she doing wasting herself on guys like him? She was always so smart, and that doesn’t seem to have changed, so why be with him?”
“Yes, but there’s brainy smart and there’s life smart,” Tash offered. “It sounds like Izzy has one without the other.”
“She is so much better than that,” Sadie said fiercely, and the knowledge that she wanted more for her sister came as a welcome surprise. “For a few moments there, she and I had the start of something. Something I thought could mean I’d get my sister back.”
“You still might,” Nic said quietly.
“Yes. But it will have to come from me, I think.” She couldn’t imagine Izzy reaching out. Or maybe she would, but Sadie didn’t want to be the passive one in this. If there was a chance they could get something started again, she was prepared to do the work to make it happen.
“And is it easy avoiding your…dad in all this?” Tash asked the question hesitantly; both she and Nicole knew Sadie didn’t like talking about him under any circumstances. But maybe that was something else that needed to change.
Sadie nodded. “It is, actually. He knows I’m in town, but I have no idea what Mum has told him about me visiting her so often. Probably very little, to give herself a quiet life. And no, before you ask, I don’t want to see him. That would be a step too far.” She shook her head. “It’s more than enough to have managed what I have with Mum and the chance of what I could have with Izzy. That’s way beyond what I thought would be possible even a month ago, before all this happened.” She smiled at their faces in the small screen of her phone. “I think I’ll quit while I’m ahead.”
“Always a sound strategy,” Nicole said, smirking.
* * *
Christine was sleeping when Sadie arrived at the house just after ten thirty. She followed Elsie to the kitchen. The house was quiet.
“Mum okay?”
Elsie sighed as she eased herself into one of the chairs at the table.
“She’s just tired. Peter came home from work last night in some sort of mood, and they had a big argument. I didn’t hear all of it, as I was in the lounge room and they were in here. It seemed it was something along the lines of him wanting them to take a big, romantic trip before she dies, and her telling him she wasn’t well enough for something like that.”
“That’s crazy.” Sadie shook her head. “He wants a holiday with her and yet he’s not here looking after her when she’s this ill? He’s still going to work every day and leaving her here with you, so how much does he really care?”
“He’s a hypocrite.” Elsie snorted. “Acts like he’s the best husband in the world but it’s all for show, I’m sure.”
Sadie grinned. “That’s what I like about you, Gran. You never hold back on what you mean.”
Her grandmother huffed out an indignant breath. “I don’t see the point any more. Life’s too short.”
The phrase, and its implications, hung between them in the quiet room.
Christine appeared about an hour later. Sadie held back a gasp as she took in the haggard eyes and pale face.
“Mum,” she said quietly, moving quickly out of her chair to pull her mother into a careful embrace. Christine’s arms slid around her, one hand on her back, one laid gently on the back of her head.
“It’s all right, love,” she whispered against Sadie’s hair. “Just one of those days.”
They held each other for a few moments whilst Elsie busied herself warming some croissants and making them all a fresh pot of coffee.
“Gran said you had a bit of an argument with him last night?” Sadie asked as she carefully steered her into a chair.
Christine laughed softly. “Yes. Silly fool had this idea we could take off to Bali, or somewhere equally exotic, for a last romantic getaway.” She grimaced. “We haven’t had a romantic holiday since our honeymoon. Why on earth he thought I’d want one now, I have no idea.” She nibbled at a piece of croissant, sending a grateful glance towards her mother as she did so. Elsie smiled and patted her hand.
Sadie pulled out a chair for herself, but had barely sat down before the sound of the front door opening snapped all three of their heads towards that part of the house.
“Christine?” her father’s voice called. “What the hell’s that bike doing on the driveway?”
Christine turned to face Sadie, her horror-struck expression mirroring Sadie’s own.
Sadie’s blood chilled in her veins.
God, no. I can’t do this. I can’t.
But she was paralysed in her chair, her limbs like lead. All three women sat as still as statues as time seemed to slow down, the seconds passing in infinitesimal steps as they awaited his arrival in the kitchen.
He appeared in the doorway, and Sadie stared at him, her emotions in turmoil, churning her stomach, making bile rise to her throat. He hadn’t changed much, actually. He still looked in reasonable shape—no middle-aged paunch anyway. His hair was thinner, and only touched with grey at the temples. His eyes were still the same soft brown shade but just as hard as she remembered.
They hardened further as he took in the scene before him.
“Who the—?” He stopped as he stared at her, then let out a chopped sound that was half laugh, half snort. “Sadie?” He glanced quickly round at his wife and mother-in-law, a frown deepening on his forehead with every passing moment. Then his eyes came back to Sadie.
“What the fuck,” he enunciated clearly and precisely, “are you doing in my house?” His face was reddening slightly, a sure sign that his temper was rapidly engaging. That hadn’t changed either, Sadie noted, in a dim recess at the back of her mind.
She slowly pushed her chair back and got to her feet, in as unthreatening a manner as possible. The atmosphere in the kitchen crackled with the tension and anger emanating off her father, and she would do anything to ensure it didn’t spill over into anything they’d all regret. Her mum reached out an arm and laid a gentle hand on Sadie’s forearm.
“It’s okay, Mum,” Sadie said quietly, gazing down at her mother. “It’s okay.”
With a calmness she didn’t know she could possess, given the circumstances, Sadie took two careful steps away from the table, giving herself room to manoeuvre. She was preparing, although for what she wasn’t entirely sure. Some instinct was kicking in, something primal, that told her in no uncertain terms that she needed to be ready for anything in the next few minutes.
“I said—” began her father, his voice louder than before, but Christine cut him off.
“We all heard what you said, Peter,” she snapped.
He turned to face her, his gaze boring into hers. She didn’t flinch, and Sadie was inordinately proud of her mother at that moment.
Christine calmed her tone as she said, “Sadie is here, because I invited her.”
Sadie could see he was struggling with his response to this. Not only was his wife defying him, but she was doing so in a way that clearly said she didn’t care what he thought about it. His face reddened further, and his hands clenched and unclenched at his sides.
“No,” he said, after a moment, but that single word was spoken with such venom it made Sadie’s insides squirm with fear. “No,” he repeated, taking one slow step forward, his eyes narrowing as he stared at Sadie. “I won’t have this…person in my house. I won’t have her visiting you. You need to leave. Now!” He shouted the last word, and Sadie took an involuntary step backwards at the sheer power of the rage contained in it.
“Peter!”
Christine’s voice whipped across the room, but it had no effect on his momentum. In three quick strides he was across the room and grabbed hold of Sadie by her biceps. She heard Elsie and her mother gasp, heard their chairs being scraped back on the tiled floor. Peter Williams was a little taller than his daughter, and he used that to his advantage, leaning intimidatingly over her as he pushed her back across the room. She struggled in his arms, her chest heaving with panicked breaths, wondering just what he was going to do.
“Let me go!” she shouted, trying to pull her arms away.
He was strong, but so was Sadie. All the running and training she had done over the years had honed her muscles to a deceptive strength. She called on that strength, and with a deep breath, flipped both arms up and outwards, breaking his hold. She could feel her anger, her pain from all those years ago, forcing its way up through all the barriers she’d put in place over the years. She couldn’t stop it, couldn’t contain it. Not anymore.
When he made to grab her again she placed both hands on his chest and shoved, as hard as she could.
“Get your hands off me!” she cried, and took satisfaction in seeing him stumble backwards slightly. He roared and came at her again, but she dodged his approach.
“Peter!” Christine screamed. “Leave her alone!”
And suddenly her mum was there, between them, and Sadie watched in horror as her father, blinded by his feelings for Sadie, unthinkingly lashed out an arm towards her mother. Sadie didn’t know what he intended, whether to simply push or—worse—hit, but instinct took over. She dived between her parents, and the arm that he had begun to swing towards his wife caught Sadie’s shoulder, throwing her wildly off balance and spinning her into the fridge door. Her forehead hit the cool metal, not a blow serious enough to break the skin, but solid enough to cause her to pause for a moment, blinking back stars.
She turned, her body and mind utterly consumed with the anger that she had repressed all these years. Anger at this man she had to call father. Everything she’d bottled up over the years came crashing through, exacerbated by his thoughtless treatment of her mother just a moment ago. Eyes almost unseeing, she launched herself at him, reaching out with both hands to grab handfuls of his shirt, shoving him back hard against the countertop.
The anger was like a liquid heat, pouring through her veins, rupturing across her skin. She was shaking with it. The sounds of the room were drowned out by an incessant roaring that seemed to come from somewhere in the back of her head. Shifting slightly to grab hold of the collar of his shirt, she pulled him away from the cupboards behind him, and then slammed him back into them. His head hit one of the cupboard doors with a satisfying thud, and he grunted, his eyes blazing as he glared at Sadie.
“Sadie, no!” Her mother’s voice was shrill and filled with fear. “Don’t. Please, I beg you. He’s not worth it.”
Her father, his expression a mixture of anger and stunned surprise at the strength with which his daughter had slammed him against the cupboard, tried to bring his arms up to prise Sadie off his chest. She held firm, forearms locked across his torso and upper arms, adrenaline pumping through her veins and giving her a greater strength than she thought possible. She took a firmer grip on his shirt, ready to thump his head back again. There was no conscious thought working at the moment, simply pure emotion. As she made to pull at him again, her mother’s voice came from close behind her.
“Sadie, please.”
Sadie turned her head slowly to find her mother staring at her, her eyes watery.
“Please, he’s really not worth it.” Her voice was gentle, pleading, her gaze never straying from Sadie’s. “He’s just a mean old bully. He’s not worth you getting into trouble over. Please, darling.”
She felt her father flinch at her mother’s words.
“Christine.” His voice broke on that single word.
Her mum raised a hand. “Enough,” she said, her voice as sharp as honed steel. “I’ve had enough. Of you. This marriage. Our pathetic little lives.”
Sadie turned back to the man she had pinned against the countertop and watched his expression change, his eyes widening in shock and disbelief. She felt his body slump underneath her arms and the fight leak out of him. She released her hold, her chest heaving with deep, shuddering breaths, and she stepped back away from him. Her arms shook, and her knees suddenly seemed unable to keep her upright. She staggered back a few more steps.
“Thank you, darling,” her mother whispered, and Sadie turned to look at her, seeing all the love and pride and support that she’d wanted to see twelve years ago. It was finally there, and it meant so much. She felt tears welling up, and didn’t fight them. Christine reached out a tender hand to wipe them away, but more dropped to replace the ones she wiped off, and Sadie smiled weakly.
“Don’t bother,” she said softly, reaching out to take her mother’s hand. “I’ll probably be crying for a while yet.”
Christine leaned in to kiss her softly on the cheek. “I should have done that twelve years ago,” she said, her voice aching with regret, “and I’m so sorry I didn’t.”
Sadie gently pulled her mother into a hug. “It’s okay, Mum. It’s okay.”
Sadie’s whole body was shaking, and her mum held her tightly.
They pulled apart, and Sadie stepped back to reach for her grandmother, who was crying, and trembling. She held her close.
“It’s all right, Gran. Everything’s all right,” she murmured against her hair.
Elsie clutched at her, and Sadie was alarmed to feel Elsie’s heart beating erratically in her chest.
“Sit down, Gran, please. You need to stay calm, okay?” Elsie nodded, and allowed Sadie to guide her back to her chair.
“I think you need to go,” Christine said as she turned to face her husband. He still stood where Sadie had left him, his hands clenched. “I don’t want you here.”
“But—” He looked shell-shocked and as if he’d aged another ten years in just ten minutes.
“No buts, Peter,” she said tiredly, rubbing at her forehead. “You’ve caused enough damage for one day, don’t you think? Come back tonight and we’ll talk. But right now, please, just go.”
They locked eyes with each other, and the silence stretched out. Sucking in a breath, he nodded slowly and pushed himself away from the counter. Without another word or a glance back at any of the three women in the room, he strode out of the kitchen. Moments later, they heard the front door slam, making them all jump.
Sadie moved then, reaching for her mother, pulling her close for a tender hug before urging her to sit down. She gazed at her mother and grandmother, and ran her still-shaking hands through her hair. Her stomach was churning again, but not from anger. She bolted from the room as the churning increased, vaguely aware of her mum’s cry behind her, and only just made it to the bathroom before throwing up. After a few moments, she felt a cool cloth pressed against her forehead.
“Get it all out,” Elsie said quietly. “It’s okay.”
“Oh, Gran,” Sadie sobbed, the anguish tearing her apart. “What did I do?”
If this was how violent she could be, when really pushed, what did that say about her? It was all her worst fears coming true, and it terrified her.
“You reacted, that’s all. He threatened you. Don’t think what you did in return was wrong.”
“But, I was s-so angry. It completely took me over. I-I don’t want to be like that.” She held the cloth to her face, hiding behind it.
