Dark Horse, page 13
“Yeah, maybe,” she said.
They had lunch at the Lake View Hotel, sitting out on the covered deck with an oblique view of Lake Wendouree across the road. Sadie had driven the three of them down there in Christine’s Mercedes, admiring the luxury and performance of the vehicle as she drove. Her mum had surprised her with her response to Sadie’s compliments about it.
“Not my choice!” she snorted. “Your father bought it for me last year. Thought I needed something more ‘appropriate’ for the wife of a politician. I wanted a cute little hatchback, just for running around town, and he suddenly appeared with this. Complete waste of money.”
Sadie smiled and caught Elsie’s eye in the rear-view mirror, smiling even wider at her gran’s disdainful expression.
They ate a slow lunch, talking about Ballarat in general and how much it had changed since both Sadie and Elsie were last there. Twice, they were interrupted by people Christine knew, all offering their sympathies for her diagnosis. One couple cast a sidelong glance at Sadie, their faces indicating recognition. A quick glare from Sadie had them backing away without comment. Christine accepted each person’s words gracefully, even as her hands shook.
“You okay, Mum?” Sadie gently wrapped her fingers over her mum’s forearm after the second group of people had finally walked away.
“I’m fine, darling. But, thank you.”
They sat like that for a few moments, looking at each other, warm smiles on both their faces. Sadie’s emotions were still a confused jumble, but moments like this they were sharing were helping to bring some order to that jumble. The calm was a balm to her fractured soul.
When their plates had been cleared away and coffees ordered, Christine turned back to her and reached for her hand.
“Now, I’m not trying to nag,” she began. “But I was wondering if you had given any more thought to seeing your sister while you are here?”
Sadie looked away for a few moments. It was still a difficult concept to get her head around, given how things had been left between them. They’d had no contact since she left. She had thought that maybe Izzy would reach out with a call or an e-mail, but nothing had been forthcoming. Stubbornness meant that there was no way Sadie was going to make the first move, so they hadn’t communicated in any way for twelve years.
“Would she want to see me?” Sadie turned it around, finally looking back at her mum. “I admit I haven’t made any attempt to contact her over the years, which I realise now was probably pretty stupid. But equally, she hasn’t reached out to me in all this time, so I’m not really sure she’d be that interested.”
Christine sighed and sipped at her coffee for a few moments. “She has changed, especially in the last couple of years. She never really spoke about you, after you…left, but she did kind of withdraw for a few months straight after.” She sat back in her chair, her hands twisting in her lap. “Shock, I suppose. But in the last year or so, she has asked about you, asked if I know how you are doing. She’s seen things change between me and your father. She’s aware of how unhappy I’ve been, even though we haven’t exactly sat down and talked about it outright.” She smiled weakly. “And, you know, she’s led her own life. She’s had her ups and downs, so she’s much more mature and aware of other people’s lives and problems. Much more so than when she was younger.”
“Mm, that much I noticed too,” Elsie chipped in. “Nowhere near the princess she used to be.”
Christine looked shocked, and a giggle burst out from her lips. “Yes, well, we didn’t do a good job of getting on top of that when she was young enough for it to make a difference.” A deep frown creased her brow. “Another mistake we made in our selfish pursuit of his political career.”
She met Sadie’s gaze with regret written all over her face.
Sadie lifted one shoulder. “You can’t change the past, Mum. At least you’re making moves now to make up for it.”
“Bless you,” Christine whispered.
“So, in answer to your original question,” Sadie continued, “I guess my answer would be, if Izzy wants to meet me this week, then yeah, okay, I’ll give it a go.” It would feel strange, she imagined, but she was there to make sure she had no regrets going forward. She may as well tick her sister off that list if she could.
After their lazy lunch, Sadie drove them back to the house and said her goodbyes for the day to ensure she was out of the house long before her father came home.
Christine hugged her close at the door. “It is so lovely to be sharing this time with you,” she said. “Thank you, again, for coming back to Ballarat to see me.”
“You’re welcome.” Sadie smiled, her heart full of a new kind of joy at what was happening between them. “It’s really good to be here. I’ll come back tomorrow, yeah?”
“Please do, he’ll be out all day again.”
She rode back into town with her thoughts rapidly transitioning from the time she’d just spent with her mum to the time she was going to spend with Holly. She’d managed to relegate Holly to the back of her mind during lunch, but images of her were starting to bombard Sadie from all angles. They already had their arrangement to go for a run, and Sadie was happy to do that, but she wasn’t sure she could handle any more. As much as she’d enjoyed their day yesterday, she needed some time to herself. She tried to tell herself she wasn’t really running away from what Holly was so obviously offering.
* * *
Holly heard Sadie’s bike pull up in the car park outside. She tried to stop the fluttering that instantly invaded her chest and laughed at herself. Oh God, she was in such a mess over this woman, and she’d only known her three days. Crazy.
Sadie strolled through the front door, and a big smile spread across Holly’s face at the sight. Sadie returned the smile, but at the same time Holly could see an uncertainty in her eyes.
“Hey,” Holly greeted her, keeping her voice as neutral as possible. “How was your day?”
Sadie nodded. “Good, thanks. Mum was up and about—we went to the Lake View for lunch. It was…good. We talked some more.”
“Nice.” Holly paused, unsure how to proceed.
Sadie saved her. “Still up for a run when you finish?”
Holly’s smile was wide again, but she tamped down the excitement that flared. “Definitely. Happy to do the same route?”
“Yep, no problem. I’ll come back here at just after five, yeah?”
“Perfect.”
She watched Sadie walk off to her room, and took a deep, calming breath. So, they’d at least be running. She wondered how hard she’d have to work to get Sadie to agree to a drink or even tea as well. Something told her it would be a battle, and although she thought Sadie was worth the fight—and God knows she wanted to pick up where they left off with that kiss the day before—maybe pushing Sadie too hard too soon would only backfire on her.
She worked out the rest of her shift and rushed off to get changed into her running gear as soon as Matthew appeared to take over for the evening. She was stretching at the outside wall when Sadie appeared, looking more relaxed than when she’d returned to the hotel earlier. Sadie said a quick hello, then started her own stretches. Holly noted how far she kept herself away from Holly as she did so.
Yeah, maybe there would only be the run.
After a few minutes of silent stretching—and stretched silence—Sadie caught her eye.
“Ready?”
Holly nodded, not trusting her voice to come out without revealing her own uncertainty about where they were. She headed up the street at a gentle jogging pace, and waited for Sadie to fall in beside her before upping her speed.
They ran in total silence, and it wasn’t comfortable. The farther along the route they travelled, the worse Holly felt. Eventually, about a kilometre from the end, she couldn’t stand it any longer.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
Sadie glanced at her, then away again, not breaking stride.
“I’m fine.”
The words came out clipped, and although Holly suspected—hoped—that whatever frustration lurked behind them wasn’t directed at her specifically, it still hurt. She ran on for a couple more minutes, and then her own frustration and confusion boiled over.
“Look, I’m not going to apologise, you know.”
Sadie whipped her head round to stare at Holly, almost losing her balance in the process.
“What do you mean?”
“For yesterday. The kiss. I’m not going to say sorry.”
“I-I wouldn’t want you to,” Sadie replied, sounding genuinely confused.
“Right, so this cold shoulder you’re giving me is nothing to do with that, then?”
Sadie slowed, then stopped. Holly pulled up beside her, hands on her hips, her breath expelling in angry chops. They stared at each other for a moment.
Sadie broke the deadlock.
“It’s not about that. Well, not totally. I just… I’ve had a very emotional time since I got here. I just really need some time to myself. Maybe I shouldn’t have agreed to the run. I’m sorry.”
Holly exhaled, shutting her eyes for a moment in an effort to will away the annoyance she had felt only moments before. She was being irrational and unfair, and she hated it.
“No, I’m sorry,” she said, shaking her head. “I should be more understanding, less…selfish. I guess I’m scared that I’ve blown it, that I pushed too hard with the kiss yesterday.”
Sadie blinked rapidly a few times and seemed to be struggling with how to respond.
“Don’t,” Holly said, after a tortured moment, holding up a hand. “You don’t have to say anything. Let’s just get back to the hotel.”
Embarrassment was consuming her. She’d clearly overestimated the impact of the kiss on Sadie. It had obviously not affected her quite as much as it had herself, and she was in danger of making a huge fool of herself. She turned and took off again, not really caring if Sadie followed or not.
In a few long strides, Sadie was beside her. To Holly’s surprise, Sadie reached out a hand to grab her forearm, pulling her to a sudden stop.
“Holly,” she said, and the ache in her voice sent a shockwave through Holly’s body. She stared at Sadie, meeting her eyes and almost flinching at the depth of hurt she saw there. “Please, believe me, it’s not about you, about what happened between us yesterday. I just have so much to think about at the moment. I really do just need some space. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Are you sorry I kissed you yesterday?” Somehow she couldn’t let that go. She had to know they felt the same about this.
Sadie shook her head. Her fingers, still wrapped around Holly’s arm, stroked her skin softly, generating a level of heat in Holly’s body out of all proportion to the actual contact between them.
“No, I’m not.” Sadie’s eyes darkened for just a moment, and Holly wondered if she too was remembering how incredible their mouths felt when merged together. “I just don’t have space to think about it right now. Please, just give me some time.”
Holly swallowed and reached out a tentative hand to stroke the side of Sadie’s face. Sadie’s eyes closed. Holly felt her tremble, and she understood, right there, that the kiss had impacted Sadie just as much, that she too wanted more. Her heart leapt.
“Of course,” she whispered. “Take all the time you need. I’m here, whenever you want to talk, or run, or…whatever.”
Sadie leaned in, ever so briefly, to Holly’s touch, then backed away. “Thanks,” she said. Without another word, they resumed their run.
* * *
“Home for tea?” Judy asked, as Holly wandered into the kitchen.
Holly nodded and helped herself to a piece of raw carrot off the chopping board. Her mum playfully slapped her wrist.
“Don’t steal the ingredients!”
Holly giggled, and Judy smiled.
“You seem…better than you were earlier. You okay?”
Holly smiled and found herself blushing a little. “Yeah, sorry about earlier, I was in a bit of grump. And yeah, I’m feeling much better now, thanks.”
“Anything you want to share?”
Holly pondered that for a moment. Her mum sounded casual, but the tense set of her shoulders said something else entirely. Presumably, she’d guessed it had something to do with Sadie, given that she knew they’d shared a day out together yesterday. Was Holly really ready to talk to her about Sadie and what seemed to be happening between them? What if it did just turn out to be nothing, or just a one-night stand? That wasn’t what Holly wanted, but she had to acknowledge it might be all that Sadie could offer. Was it worth getting into a difficult conversation with her mum if that’s all it became?
“Nothing special,” she replied. “Guess I just got out of bed on the wrong side.” She left the kitchen before her mum could respond.
“Dinner in twenty minutes,” Judy called after her.
She walked back to her room and flopped onto her bed, puffing out a big breath. She thought back to the morning and the bad mood her mum had made reference to. Holly had woken up anxious. Fearing she’d pushed Sadie too hard by kissing her, despite how…enthusiastically Sadie had responded to her ambush, Holly’s mood had got bleaker by the minute.
Now, yes, her mood had improved, based on that exchange she and Sadie had shared towards the end of their run. Sadie was all she could think about. That dilemma about her job, her career, her future, had all been pushed so far back in her mind, she’d forgotten what she was worrying about in the first place.
The pragmatic part of her was frowning at her almost adolescent obsession with the woman. She was more than this, she knew that. She’d always scoffed at those people who ended up so wide-eyed over their romances that everything else paled into insignificance. Yet, there she was, travelling that road far easier than she would ever have imagined.
It kind of annoyed her. She’d prided herself on her maturity, her level-headedness, for years. But she was coming apart at the seams over some…woman.
Crazy.
CHAPTER 12
“I never liked the way you just let Peter take over,” Elsie said. Her voice was hesitant, as if she felt she had no right to say what was on her mind. “But you were so sure he was what you wanted.”
They were drinking tea in the Convent Gallery in Daylesford, an afternoon trip that had opened up memories of the past to the time when Christine had first started dating the man who would become her husband.
“You never said anything.” Christine looked shocked.
“Didn’t think it was my place,” Elsie muttered.
Sadie watched the interaction between them with interest.
Christine held her mother’s hand. “Well, perhaps you’d have saved us all a lot of heartache if you had said something,” she chided gently. “You just let me get on with it.”
“You say that now, love, but you wouldn’t have listened.” Elsie snorted, but there was humour in her eyes. “You can’t blame me now.”
Christine smiled and nodded. “I know. And I don’t mean this to sound like I’m deflecting my share of responsibility in all this, but after Dad died, Peter was what I needed. Strong. Dependable. Knew where he was going. I literally hung on every word he spoke.” She shook her head. “That all seems so long ago now.”
“Well,” Elsie said, “to give him his due, he was very handsome, and he was on the up. And he was totally smitten with you, that much was obvious to all of us.” She patted her daughter’s arm. “Don’t torture yourself with regrets. Not now. Use your energy for other things. More positive things.” She glanced at Sadie.
Christine followed her gaze, and smiled warmly at Sadie, who blushed under their joint attention.
Sadie spoke to Nicole after leaving her mum’s house later that day, finally opening up about how things had progressed with Holly and her dilemma over whether to pursue them or not.
“Try and explain to me what’s holding you back,” Nic prompted. “Is it because you’re only there temporarily? Because, you know, I don’t think she’s proposing marriage just yet.”
Sadie smiled, in spite of herself. “Yeah, okay, I know that.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “She gets me. She doesn’t care about my past. She really likes who I am, I think. I’ve never had that, and I want that—God, I really do. But how can I have it with her when we live so far away from each other? If I give in, if I open myself up to her… Nic, I could really fall for this woman. Then what? Then we have to manage some long-distance thing that has so much stacked against it.”
“But you don’t know that! You may not fall for her. You may have a quick fling and that’s enough. Or you may fall for her and the distance thing doesn’t make that much difference. Or it does and you have to make some changes to make it work. Do you see what I’m saying? If you spend your whole life not getting involved with amazing women because of what might or might not happen in the future, all you’re gonna have is just a whole lot of lonely time. And I don’t want to see you go through that, Sades.”
* * *
When she returned to the hotel, Holly was on the front desk. Judy hovered just over her shoulder as they discussed something on the screen in front of them.
Holly glanced up as Sadie pushed through the door, and her smile lit up the room. She laughed as Sadie shook herself off like a wet dog onto the doormat beneath her feet.
“Get a little wet, did you?” she asked, and then a hint of a blush stole across her cheeks.
Sadie couldn’t help but smirk. “Very,” she said, lowering her voice a touch and winking. Okay, so she was outright flirting with Holly. When did this start?
Holly cleared her throat, casting a quick glance at her mother, who seemed oblivious to the interaction.
“I’m guessing we won’t be running tonight?”
Sadie shook her head. “No, it’s way too wet for that. I don’t mind running in a light rain, but it’s pouring down out there.” As if to emphasise the point, she brushed copious liquid off the sleeves of her jacket onto the doormat.
Holly shrugged. “Oh, well. We’ve done pretty good this week, so one missed day isn’t so bad.”
