Complement, page 9
part #3 of Connectivity Series
Nick realized the weight of what Ash had just told him, but did it matter to him at all? He knew without even needing the time to think about it that the answer was no. Whatever someone felt inside was theirs to feel and sometimes what you were given and what you felt were two different things. If he were being honest with himself, he could see a glimmer of the feminine side of Ash, he’d noticed his softer features almost immediately, but Ash was who he knew. Ash was the person who had held his hand and stayed by his side when he didn’t have anyone else. And Ash was the person he shared some complicated Connection with. Whatever parts he had or didn’t have was completely irrelevant.
“Okay. First of all, I don’t like you sitting over there looking all scared so can you come over here?” He held his arms open and Ash stared at him. He made a come-on gesture and some of the tension slipped off Ash’s face. He scooted closer and although he didn’t climb into Nick’s lap, he moved close enough that their knees touched and Nick reached for his hands, glad he’d opened himself up and was no longer curled into a ball.
“I have a lot to say and it’s all going to come out in a jumble, okay? But, let me start out by saying that it doesn’t change the way I see you. To me, you’re just Ash, the boy who held my hand for days and the boy who makes my heart race.” One corner of Ash’s mouth lifted in a quick smile. “I’ve never known anyone who was trans before and I don’t want to say the wrong thing, but it doesn’t matter to me. I’m not sure I can relate to what you’re going through, but I can certainly appreciate the strength it took to tell me. It’s got to be tough to open yourself up like that and share something that makes you so vulnerable to what others are going to say. Especially since you don’t really know me or how I’d react. Yeah, I have questions. Yeah, I’d like to know more about what you’re going through. But ultimately, you’re still just you. We barely know each other and now I kind of wish I had some deep dark secret to reveal to you so we could be a little more on equal footing. I’m feeling a little left out of the sharing circle here.”
Ash smiled for real and Nick tugged on his hands, asking again that he come closer. Lowering his head a little in a shy gesture that was so unlike him, Ash shifted and curled up against Nick’s chest, tucking his arms into his lap. Nick wrapped his arms around Ash’s body and continued. “Can you tell me more about this? I don’t really know what it means to be trans. I mean, you look like a boy to me and please don’t be offended or get upset if I say something stupid like you look like a boy to me, because I really don't know what the right thing to say is and I don’t want to be an idiot and hurt your feelings. You’re going to have to talk me through it and explain whatever you want me to know. And I apologize now for my complete and total ignorance on this. Like I said, this is not something I’ve ever had any experience with.”
Ash nodded and drew back a little so they could see each other better. “So, I guess, do you understand the basics? Like I was assigned female on my birth certificate but I don’t feel like I’m female or associate to that in any way?” Nick nodded so Ash continued. “Okay, well I guess I kind of always liked boy things and I hate to even call things ‘boy things’ or ‘girl things’ because that’s so stereotypical to associate everything to a gender, but I always gravitated toward whatever the boys were doing. I remember being about six and my mom was braiding my hair before school one day and I asked her why I had to have long hair. She said I didn’t and that if I wanted to get it cut to just let her know. So I told her I wanted my hair like the boys in my class. I don’t really remember what she said but I remember going to the hair salon and getting my hair cut. My mom was even proud of me because I had enough hair to donate to a charity that makes wigs for kids with cancer. I don’t remember much after that until I started getting teased in school for looking and dressing more like a boy than a girl. I was probably turning ten and I had mostly boys for friends and I wanted to invite only boys to my party because I knew they would bring me the presents I wanted to play with. My parents ended up making me invite the whole class since they didn’t want anyone to feel left out, but I swear, I never played with most of the things the girls gave me. Plus, I was really into video games and all the other boys were too so they brought games and gift cards to sports stores and stuff.
“It wasn’t until I was thirteen that my parents finally sat me down to have a real talk about it. We discussed what I was feeling and what I thought I wanted my life to look like and they took me to my first therapy sessions. I swear, the therapy was a lifesaver back then with my dad and all I was going through mentally. It was a crazy time for me. But I couldn’t start really doing anything about transitioning until I was sixteen, and by then the dysphoria was crazy to deal with. I just hated who I had become. I had boobs and a period and would always wear baggy clothes to hide my shape, hence all the hoodies,” he joked. “But I wasn’t comfortable at all. I always kept my hair short and even though I’m already pretty skinny, I would wear clothes that were too big. Then I started to wear all black because it felt safer than trying to blend in and make others like me. I had a few friends who were also queer and trying to either fly under the radar or just trying to fit in and no one really gave us a hard time, but we certainly weren’t popular either.
“Anyway, one day I was watching YouTube and came across this channel of this trans guy. It was like fate or something. He’d just posted a video explaining all about his transition and how he’d just completed top surgery, where the surgeon removes the breast tissue, and he was revealing the post-op results of his flat chest… That was the moment I knew, that was exactly what I wanted.”
“You’ve already had surgery?” Nick asked, looking back at Ash with concern and astonishment. God, he was like a little force of nature, taking his life by the horns and turning it into what he wanted it to be. Nick’s admiration for Ash went through the roof.
“No,” Ash said. “I started on testosterone to help change my appearance and voice and my mom promised me that if I could save enough money to pay for half of my top surgery, she would pay for the other half. So, I got a job. I’m on my mom’s health insurance and it’s pretty good because she works for the hospital, so all my T shots are like half price and I have to go in every three months for blood work. But I only turned seventeen in February. I’ve been slowly working on all the legal hoops I’ll need to jump through to change my name and gender on my birth certificate, but everything takes time and money.”
“So, you haven’t had surgery?” Ash shook his head. “But…” Nick looked down not wanting to point out the obvious.
Ash smiled a little. “Binders. I’ve worn them since I started testosterone.”
“What’s a binder?” Nick asked, not knowing anything about what Ash was talking about.
“It’s sort of like a sports bra or a super tight half-shirt that compresses your chest. They’re pretty uncomfortable because of how tight they are and even more uncomfortable to get in and out of, but I don’t go anywhere without one on. It was a long five days in the hospital, let me just say. I usually only take my binder off at night since you’re only supposed to wear them for eight hours at a time, but I didn’t want you to wake up and see me like that.” Ash said, looking down at his lap. “I’m not trying to hide myself from you, but I don’t associate with that part of me at all. The only time I ever feel like myself is when I’m binding.”
“And you still want surgery?” Nick asked, feeling a bit of worry and anxiety creep in.
“Yeah. I have to. This body is just not me. I only have about eight-hundred dollars left to save for it. I’ve been working two jobs this summer because once school starts I know I’ll have to drop one but I’m not sure what I’m going to do now since I can’t work anymore. I’ve been on T for over a year and I’m dying to finish the process.” Ash looked away and blinked a few times then sniffled. “You remember when I told you I cried most of the first night after finding you?” Nick nodded but Ash didn’t look at him. “I was worried about our Connection, yeah, but I was so upset about what finding you meant for my transition. I hated that I’d found you so early.” Ash covered his face with his hands and Nick could feel the change in his breathing as he cried silently. Nick wasn’t sure how to comfort him because he seemed a little uneasy about touching, so he just rested one hand on Ash’s back and one on his knee.
“I’m sorry,” Ash sniffled and pulled the sleeves of his hoodie down over his hands. “I hate myself for feeling like this. Finding you should be this amazing thing and it is, but in my mind, all I can think about is that I’m not the person I should be. I would never have wanted you to see me this way. I would have already transitioned and been comfortable in my body for a few years. I wouldn’t be this skinny trans kid who’s only male passing when he’s binding. And now I can’t work anymore so how am I going to get the money I need to get the surgery?”
Nick couldn’t stand it anymore and just pulled Ash into a hug. “Shh,” he soothed. Ash wrapped his arms around Nick’s neck and buried his face. “We’ll figure it out, okay? I’m sorry everything got so complicated for you. If I could change the timing of our meeting, I would. I would wait another five years or ten years or however long you needed. I think meeting you is the best thing to happen to me in a long time, but I would change it if it meant you could keep working toward your goal.”
Ash shook his head. “I’m so, so sorry, Nick. But I would change it too. I can’t even believe I’m saying that because that makes me the most selfish person in the world. I mean, who wouldn’t be over the moon about finding their soul mate out of the billions of people in the world, but I feel so stuck. I’m such a mess over everything. I’ve spent my life growing up watching my parents and knowing that finding your Connection is everything, right? The love and support and feeling of being whole and cherished is—there’s no comparison. But at the same time, I’m not who I should be. And maybe that makes things worse for you because maybe you wanted a girl. Maybe fate gave you the person who was meant for you, a nice girl from, Pine, Utah. Well, guess what? That girl should never have been born a girl. She doesn’t exist anymore and now I’ve gone and screwed with your fate as well.”
Nick realized that Ash was rambling and was just going through a rough moment, but he couldn’t let the boy go on thinking that what they had was a barricade, maybe they were going to need to take a few detours here and there but they’d still get where they were going in the end.
He pulled back and took Ash’s cheeks in his palms, using his thumbs to wipe away Ash’s tears. Ash stared back at him with slightly red and puffy eyes. “I’m sorry things turned out the way they did. But, maybe we found each other when we did for a reason. Maybe we both needed someone in our corner to help us through a difficult time. You’ve already helped me with mine just by being there for me and now maybe it’s my turn to help you. I realize that nothing seems to be going the way you expected it to and that you’re upset and overwhelmed and more than ready to become the person you feel like you are inside, and I want to help you with all of those things, okay? I have a little money in an account my parents set up for me before I left and I’m sure if I ask them, they’ll just send me some more. They don’t really care what I spend it on, they’ll just send it to keep me out of their hair. I’m sure between us we can cover your half of the costs and you can finally get your surgery. I’ll need to leave my apartment because the money they gave me was rent money and stuff, but as long as I can stay here, it doesn’t really matter. I want to help you, Ash. Will you let me do this and be by your side?”
Ash’s eyes watered as he stared back at Nick. “But you don’t even know me. Why would you want to waste your money on someone else’s problems?”
Nick groaned and let go of Ash’s face. “There are so many things wrong with what you just said, Ash.”
“But what I did for you didn’t cost anything.”
“You’re right, it didn’t and what I’m offering you is money because I also took away your ability to earn the eight-hundred dollars you need.”
“But you didn’t do that. It’s not your fault I can’t work anymore.”
“Isn’t it, though? I’m the reason you went down to Moab in the first place. I’m the idiot who tried to dive after his cell phone from the top of a rock formation and ended up in the hospital. If I hadn’t been so stupid you wouldn’t have had to come at all. Then we wouldn’t have met and we could have both continued on with our lives.”
Ash frowned and his brow wrinkled. “But I don’t want that either. I know this is new for both of us, and neither one of us was expecting it, but you’re my soul mate. You’re the only person who will ever be exactly who I need. And it’s practically a miracle that I found you at all.”
“And as the person who is exactly who you need, even though I’m new to the roll, I know that exactly what you need right now is eight-hundred dollars.”
Ash sat there, looking back at him for several moments. “Nick…” he protested, drawing out his name.
“Ash…” Nick returned, doing the same.
One corner of Ash’s mouth turned up. Nick smiled at the little hint of acceptance. Then Ash grinned and a giggle escaped. Nick about died at finally hearing the sound again and Ash threw his arms around his neck, tumbling them both back on the bed. He laughed and hugged Ash close as Ash squealed and giggled and squirmed in his excitement.
If Nick had to give all the money he had in the world to hear those sounds come from Ash’s soul, he’d gladly pay for a lifetime. It was the most honest and heartfelt sound of pure joy and happiness and when Ash looked back at him he had tears in his eyes for a whole different reason.
“I’ll never be able to thank you enough for this. You can’t possibly know what this means to me, but I am so, so grateful to you. You’re giving me my life back. I’ve been miserable in my body for years and I can’t even begin to describe what it would feel like to finally be me.” He pulled Nick in again, wrapping his arms around his neck, just clinging to him.
Nick held him in return and after a few minutes, they finally sat up and talked for hours. Ash told him all about the changes his body had gone through since starting on testosterone and about the doctor he had already chosen for his surgery. They moved into Ash’s room at some point with a bowl of ice cream and watched video after video on YouTube of people coming out as trans and people vlogging their experiences during their transitions. Nick had never been so weirdly fascinated by before and after surgery videos, but he’d never given the topic a thought before and the reactions of the people at finally feeling like themselves, made Nick feel it would be worth every penny he could give to Ash to see him that happy as well.
-VI-
As the afternoon wore on, Ash suggested they finally get out of the house and head over to Nick’s apartment to get him some more essentials. They hadn’t talked to either of their parents yet since Stevie worked twelve-hour shifts, but Nick threw a text to his dad, letting him know he was home and doing alright.
Nick unlocked the outer door to his apartment unit and let Ash pass through first. As usual, no one appeared to be around and once he locked the door behind him, he opened the door to his personal room.
“Wow, this is kind of crappy,” Ash said as he stopped just inside the room looking around.
Nick laughed. “Yeah. I’ve only been here a little over a month and basically packed only the essentials when I left. I hated it when I first move in because everything was so white, now I don't really care. I thought I’d get some posters or something but I guess I don’t really need to worry about that now. Classes don’t start until the last week of the month but I’ll just give my notice and be out of here before then. We need to figure out how we’re going to fit in your room or what that’s going to look like and what you’re going to do about school. When does school start for you?”
“The same week, I think,” Ash said as he plopped down on the bed. “We could call Cory if you’d be up for that. I know things are weird for you with him, but at least he could point us in the right direction. I bet they just did some online thing or something like that. I’ve heard of kids who leave school for whatever reason and just finish by taking their classes online.”
“I’ve heard of that too, but I don’t know anything about it. We can google it really quickly if you want,” Nick said as he grabbed his laptop and sat next to Ash on the bed. They scrolled through a few websites and the process seemed easy enough. “Do you really think you could take online classes and come with me to my classes here?”
Ash shrugged. “I don’t see why not. If I had a good pair of headphones or something I could just listen to lectures or do the lessons or however the classes are taught online. If it’s a lot of reading, I can listen to music while you take your class. Aren’t college classes only a few hours anyway?”
“Yeah. My schedule is pretty easy actually. I only have class on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I’m only taking fifteen credits and I was lucky to get all my classes on the same days. Classes are usually an hour per credit, so my Monday, Wednesday, Friday classes are only an hour each, then I have a Wednesday night class and a Friday morning class that are three hours each.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad. I’m planning to apply here anyway. Maybe if I get in next year, we can do the same thing or take a few of the same classes so we don’t have to come too often.”
“That’s so weird. It’s weird to think that we have to be together now. Like, always. We’re going to have to do some crazy planning to figure out what classes we can take and even what we want to study.”
“What are you studying?”
“I’m undeclared right now, so I’m just taking general education classes. What are you interested in?”
Ash thought for a moment. “Maybe something with nature or science? I like being outside and Utah is so pretty and has so many amazing places and natural wonders, you know?”
