Complement, page 26
part #3 of Connectivity Series
Nick sighed and grabbed a fork to beat the eggs. “It’s hard,” he whispered. “I mean, I know he needs this and it’s going to change his life, and I only want him to be happy and to be able to be who he is, but some part of me is just still like, isn’t it enough for him to know I love him exactly the way he is? Like, why does he have to go to such lengths, but, I get it. It’s not anything that someone who’s not trans would ever fully understand. The best we can do to support the ones we love is to be there for them in whatever way they need us. But, it’s still hard.”
Josh sat there watching him, resting his elbow on the table. “I don’t envy you your position, I’ll tell you that. It’s hard enough to navigate a Connection with your partner even without the added stress of one of them not being comfortable with who they are. I can’t imagine what either of you have gone through these last few months just trying to get to know each other.”
“It hasn’t been easy,” Nick confessed. “We struggled a lot in the beginning. Or actually up until just a couple of weeks ago. I mean, we both knew we loved each other and we were totally on board with our Connection and everything, but we just weren’t there, you know? We didn’t have the level of intimacy that felt right. We were always dancing around each other; never hugging too close or touching without something between us.” Nick blushed slightly and glanced at Josh but he either didn’t notice or just didn’t say anything, so Nick continued.
“I know Ash felt it too, but I didn’t want to put any pressure on him and make him feel bad, so I just went along with it, but it sucked. We were denying any sort of physical Connection.” Nick smiled and checked the bacon, then plopped a dollop of butter into the pan for the eggs. “He shocked the hell out of me when he made the first move.”
Josh snickered. “I bet. I’m sure you weren’t expecting it.”
“Not at all,” Nick admitted as he swirled the melted butter around the pan. “Things have been so much better since then.”
“I’m sure. I know I couldn’t have handled something like that,” Josh said as he stood up and came closer. Lowering his voice, he spoke again as he leaned against the counter. “I have to say, and I don’t want this to sound weird or bad or anything, but I’ve never known anyone who was trans before. I didn’t know what to expect and I hate saying that because I know he’s just trying to be like, normal, and be who he is, and I know I don’t know you that well, but you’re so perfect together. Even just from the little bit of time we spent together last night, it obvious how much you care about him and how much he adores you for it.
“When we were in the coffee shop and you and Cory were talking, he couldn’t take his eyes off you. He looked at you like you’re the only thing in his world. And last night at dinner? Cory told me you had already asked him, but he was glowing. I obviously never knew him before you two found each other, but seeing you two together, I can only imagine what you’ve done for his confidence and sense of self. You’re both exactly what the other needed and I know you’ll get through these next few days with flying colors. You’ve got each other and your family and we’ll be here to support you anyway we can.”
Nick scraped the egg mixture off the bottom of the pan and turned off the heat to the bacon. “Thanks, Josh. I know we didn’t get off to a good start and that is totally my fault, but I’m really glad you’re here. I’m really glad Cory is here too and that you guys are so happy together.” He turned off the heat to the eggs and brought over a large bowl to scoop them out into. “I honestly wasn’t sure how I was going to feel seeing you guys together again,” Nick continued. “Mostly because of how we left things, but it’s obvious now what we were all supposed to be. It just took me a while to get there. And I mostly have Ash to thank for that.”
“You have me to thank for what?” Ash asked as he rounded the corner, running his hand through his unruly mop of hair. He came right over to Nick and wrapped his arms around his waist, kissing him on the lips.
Nick held out the bowl of eggs to Josh who smiled and went to set the eggs on the table. “For being exactly who you are. For being exactly who I needed and bringing Cory and Josh back into my life.”
“Pfft.” Ash waved his hand in the air dismissing Nick’s words. “I only did what obviously need to be done. You guys are friends and you both needed each other. I was happy to help and to see you happy again.”
Nick kissed him again. “Well, thank you. Did you sleep alright? Josh and I made breakfast if you’re hungry.”
Josh was about to protest but Nick just winked and he smiled in return.
“I’m starving actually. I think my mind and stomach are on the same page and they’ve both realized that after midnight I won’t be eating again for a while. It’s time to pack in the food like I’m storing up for the winter.”
Nick laughed and let Ash go. “Then I’ll make you some toast too. Josh, do you want any juice or toast?”
Ash went to grab a stack of plates and silverware while Nick grabbed some glasses and the juice.
“Juice would be great. Thanks, Nick,” Josh replied and when he caught Nick’s eye, Nick could tell he meant it for more than just the juice.
Nick nodded and only a few minutes later Cory came in followed by Stevie. Eggs and bacon were passed around, toast was buttered, and juice was poured. They all talked about the day and what to expect, went over their timeline and double checked that everyone knew the plan for Nick’s sake during the surgery. Things weren’t as tense as Nick would have figured and he found himself extremely grateful for the easy conversation and their friends to help keep things light.
It was going to be a long two days, but they had friends and family with them every step of the way.
~
The doctor’s office was inside the hospital and had that distinctly clinical smell of disinfectant. The small waiting room was an off-white color with the typical artwork and magazines in their respectives places.
They’d come straight to Ash’s pre-op appointment and were planning to check into their hotel immediately afterward to regroup and plan for dinner. Josh and Cory had opted to go straight to the hotel and they wanted to drive around a bit to explore the city. They didn’t want to be in the way and hover over the situation so they were doing their best to be available but not intrusive.
Stevie was filling out forms and texting with Rick and Adam about the hotel reservations and Nick held Ash’s hand as they chatted quietly about school and Ian. Ash had to go over some papers with his mom and sign a bunch of stuff, but after all was said and done, they sat and waited some more. Nick did his best to keep his bouncing knee quiet and tried to keep conversation flowing to distract them both from the anxiety of waiting.
Nick’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he let go of Ash’s hand to check it. “It’s my dad. He wants to know how your appointment went. Let me text him back real quick.”
“Did you ever tell them we got engaged?” Ash asked as he spun his ring around his finger, looking at it the way Nick had caught him doing a few times already.
“Nah. I’ll tell them when we check in tomorrow night. I don’t want them getting all crazy right before your surgery. We need to focus on this and—”
“Ash Weaver?” a middle-aged blonde woman called out from the doorway to the back offices.
They looked up and Ash nodded. All three of them stood and the nurse led the way down the hall to the second room on the left.
“Hi, Ash. My name is Mel and I’ll be your nurse and will be sitting in on your appointment today. Why don’t you take a seat on the table and we’ll get started,” Mel said and Nick squeezed his hand then sat in one of the chairs along the wall with Stevie.
Mel started with all the customary questions and took the standard vitals, talking about his forms and going over their insurance and payment information. She double checked Ash’s consent for pictures to be taken and also told him they’d be taking some blood to check all his hormone levels. When she handed Ash a robe and asked him to undress from the waist up, Nick double checked that Ash was alright with him staying in the room.
“Of course you’re staying,” Ash said. “I don’t even want to think about doing this without you. But can you guys wait outside while I get undressed?”
Nick and Stevie each gave him a hug and left to stand outside the door.
“How are you doing?” Stevie asked, squeezing his shoulder.
“I’m alright so far,” Nick replied. “I’m not sure how much sleep I’m going to get tonight, but for now, I’m doing okay. How are you doing? You’re his mom and have been dealing with this from the beginning. It must be weird to finally have this day come up.”
“I’m nervous but excited. He’s my little boy and it makes me so happy to see him finally getting the body that he knows he belongs in. All these years he’s struggled and it just—” she brought her hand up to her mouth. “Sorry. I just get emotional thinking—”
The door opened and Ash peeked his head through. “I’m done.” He held the door open and they went back in to wait for the doctor. Ash used one hand to keep his robe closed and grabbed Nick’s hand to have him sit on the table with him. “I’m a little nervous now,” he confessed.
Nick wrapped his arm around Ash’s shoulder and kissed his temple. “We are too, sweetie. But we’re right here and you know what to expect. We’ve all talked about every possible thing that could come up and we know what questions to ask. Your mom will do most of the medical talk and we just go from there, answer any questions that the doctor will have, and see what he has to say.”
Ash nodded and rested his hand on Nick’s thigh as they quieted down and looked around the room. There were pamphlets on the wall in those clear plastic holders and all the typical containers lining the counters. But the posters on the wall were what caught Nick’s attention: they were the educational images of breasts.
It was weird to study the images and their labeled parts because breasts were not something Nick spent any time thinking about. He’d never particularly cared about breasts and didn’t associate breasts to anything in his life. Just the word breast was foreign sounding to him.
“It’s weird, right?” Ash asked, squeezing his thigh and cocking his head slightly as he looked at the images too.
“So weird,” Nick replied and Ash snickered. Stevie chuckled as she noted what they were looking at and only a few moments later there was a knock on the door.
A dark-haired older man pushed the door open and smiled when he entered the room. “I’m Dr. Nyugen, and you must be Ash?”
“Yeah,” Ash replied, shaking his hand. “This is my fiancé, Nick. And my mom, Stephenie.”
The doctor shook both of their hands and pulled over the rolling stool that was seemingly standard in every doctor’s office Nick had ever been in. “Fiancé, huh? There must be quite the story there, as I understand you’re still only seventeen,” Dr. Nyugen said as he grinned at Ash. “You’re both very lucky to have found someone worth holding onto as such a young age. I’m glad to see not all young people are scared off but the thought of settling down.”
The three of them chuckled and probably shared the same thought at his comment.
“Now then, shall we get down to it?” Dr. Nyugen asked. “Why don’t we start with your charts and go over any questions you might have for me.”
Ash nodded and they all chimed in with questions, listening intently to the doctor as he explained each answer, ensuring they understood, and asking a few questions of his own.
“So I see you’ve signed the consent form for pictures to be taken and if it’s alright with you I’ll have Mel join us and we’ll get the exam started,” Dr. Nyugen said and quickly left the room to get Mel.
He was back a moment later and Mel trailed him in with a camera in her left hand.
“Ash, are you comfortable with your family in the room, or would you like them to step out for a few minutes?” the doctor asked.
Ash squeezed Nick’s hand that he’d grabbed. “It’s fine if they stay.”
“Alright. Why don’t we have you stand against the gray wall and if you’ll remove your robe, we can see what we’re up against,” Dr. Nyugen said and Ash let go of Nick’s hand to stand against the wall.
It was a weird few minutes for Nick and he made the choice to respect Ash’s wishes by not watching as the doctor spoke to him and examined his chest. Ash hadn’t asked him not to look or to leave the room, but Nick also knew he’d prefer if he didn’t watch. He’d said a few times that he wished he’d already had his surgery and that Nick would never have had to see him that way, and even though he’d given Nick the gift of those few minutes when they’d both been topless and chest to chest, he knew it was completely different with Ash being in a clinical setting with bright lights and pictures being snapped of one of his most vulnerable moments.
Nick didn’t need to see Ash that way any longer. He knew exactly what his man looked like and didn’t need some image of him floating around in his brain that would taint the way Nick recognized him. It had been amazing to have those moments together when they’d had happened, but that had been enough for him. He knew Ash loved him and had shared his deepest fear and insecurity with him and Nick didn’t need to ruin their special moments by obscuring them with his clinical exam.
He listened as Dr. Nyugen spoke, explaining what he would be doing and where Ash’s scars would be. Ash asked a few questions about the scars fading over time and just double checked that periareolar wasn’t an option, and the doctor confirmed that Ash would have a better result and a more contoured look for his body shape if he stuck with bilaterals. The doctor explained that Ash would have two scars just under his pectoral muscles and there would be a gap between them which made Ash sigh with relief. They talked about nipple reduction and grafting and also loss of sensation which Dr. Nyugen said would be occurring at the onset but to expect sensation to return gradually over the coming months. They talked a little about drains and after care where Stevie chimed in with her two cents and prescription information and once the pictures were finished, Ash slipped his robe back on and Mel left to room to go upload his pictures.
Ash took his previous seat right next to Nick but spoke softly into his ear as he settled on the crinkly paper. “You didn’t have to do that, but thank you. I love you.”
Nick nodded back at him and even though he gave Ash a watery smile, his heart did a weird flippy thing in his chest. He knew he’d made the right choice, but it hit him like a ton of bricks, what he’d just sat through. He kept relatively quiet as the appointment wrapped up and Stevie excused herself while they waited for his phlebotomist to come in.
When the door closed and they were alone, Nick threw his arms around Ash’s neck, hugging him tightly and he could feel the tears as they formed in his eyes along with the lump in his throat.
“You okay?”Ash asked quietly as he returned his hug, curling his fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck.
Nick nodded slightly but only tightened his hold as a few tears escaped down his cheek. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry,” he croaked and cleared his throat again. “It just kind of hit me right then and I just need to be close to you. I love you so much and I know I’m kind of a mess but I’m just feeling so many emotions.”
Ash nodded against him and cleared his throat as well before he was able to reply. “You don’t have to apologize, baby. All of this is so emotional. I love you too and as soon as we leave we’re definitely going to have some serious cuddle time. I’ll send my mom off to Rick and Adam’s room and we’ll just be together. I need to be close to you too and even though I’m more excited than nervous, I want to be here for you to help support you through this as well. Everyone is here for me but I’m sorry if you’ve been needing support and have been feeling alone. This was so much to ask you to go through and I should have done a better job making sure you were getting everything you needed from me and our family.”
Sniffling a little, Nick pulled back and rubbed at his eyes. Ash helped him wipe away his tears and the look of concern on his face had Nick feeling a little stronger. They’d need each other more than ever over the next few days and he felt so grateful that Ash had recognized what he’d needed without him having to confess it all.
When the knock on the door came and an older woman named Sandy entered, followed by Stevie, Nick felt like he had a much better hold of himself. Stevie looked at them questioningly, obviously having noticed Nick’s swollen eyes, but he nodded that he was okay and turned his attention to Sandy and Ash.
And as they finished at the hospital with packets of information, a cleanser for Ash to use on his torso, strict instructions on fasting and water consumption, and the ease of tension that only came with the completion of something you hadn’t really been looking forward to, Stevie drove them through McDonald’s and they each got an ice cream cone as their reward.
Nick hadn’t let go of Ash’s hand since the doctor’s office and he contented himself with eating his ice cream left-handed.
Ash smiled at him as Stevie went into the hotel to check them into their room and Nick smiled back. But when Ash leaned closer and accidentally got some of his ice cream on Nick’s chin, he closed his eyes as Ash swiped the ice cream off using only his tongue.
Ash withdrew and Nick caught him sucking a bit of his ice cream into his mouth as he leaned back over and shared the cold melty treat with Nick; vanilla ice cream swirled around in their mouths as they kissed. More than a few naughty scenarios ran through Nick’s mind that involved a lot more ice cream but just as Nick was ready for more, Ash retreated with a few lingering kisses and a grin, and not more than ten seconds later, Stevie opened the door and explained the location of their room.
Ash shot him a wink and a look that promised more of that another time and Nick didn’t take his eyes off his man until the car parked and they needed to get out to help unload. Stevie passed him a key card and he vaguely listened as she told them their room number once again, but as soon as he met Ash at the trunk of the car, Ash wrapped his arms around his waist and pressed a soft cold kiss to his neck.
Josh sat there watching him, resting his elbow on the table. “I don’t envy you your position, I’ll tell you that. It’s hard enough to navigate a Connection with your partner even without the added stress of one of them not being comfortable with who they are. I can’t imagine what either of you have gone through these last few months just trying to get to know each other.”
“It hasn’t been easy,” Nick confessed. “We struggled a lot in the beginning. Or actually up until just a couple of weeks ago. I mean, we both knew we loved each other and we were totally on board with our Connection and everything, but we just weren’t there, you know? We didn’t have the level of intimacy that felt right. We were always dancing around each other; never hugging too close or touching without something between us.” Nick blushed slightly and glanced at Josh but he either didn’t notice or just didn’t say anything, so Nick continued.
“I know Ash felt it too, but I didn’t want to put any pressure on him and make him feel bad, so I just went along with it, but it sucked. We were denying any sort of physical Connection.” Nick smiled and checked the bacon, then plopped a dollop of butter into the pan for the eggs. “He shocked the hell out of me when he made the first move.”
Josh snickered. “I bet. I’m sure you weren’t expecting it.”
“Not at all,” Nick admitted as he swirled the melted butter around the pan. “Things have been so much better since then.”
“I’m sure. I know I couldn’t have handled something like that,” Josh said as he stood up and came closer. Lowering his voice, he spoke again as he leaned against the counter. “I have to say, and I don’t want this to sound weird or bad or anything, but I’ve never known anyone who was trans before. I didn’t know what to expect and I hate saying that because I know he’s just trying to be like, normal, and be who he is, and I know I don’t know you that well, but you’re so perfect together. Even just from the little bit of time we spent together last night, it obvious how much you care about him and how much he adores you for it.
“When we were in the coffee shop and you and Cory were talking, he couldn’t take his eyes off you. He looked at you like you’re the only thing in his world. And last night at dinner? Cory told me you had already asked him, but he was glowing. I obviously never knew him before you two found each other, but seeing you two together, I can only imagine what you’ve done for his confidence and sense of self. You’re both exactly what the other needed and I know you’ll get through these next few days with flying colors. You’ve got each other and your family and we’ll be here to support you anyway we can.”
Nick scraped the egg mixture off the bottom of the pan and turned off the heat to the bacon. “Thanks, Josh. I know we didn’t get off to a good start and that is totally my fault, but I’m really glad you’re here. I’m really glad Cory is here too and that you guys are so happy together.” He turned off the heat to the eggs and brought over a large bowl to scoop them out into. “I honestly wasn’t sure how I was going to feel seeing you guys together again,” Nick continued. “Mostly because of how we left things, but it’s obvious now what we were all supposed to be. It just took me a while to get there. And I mostly have Ash to thank for that.”
“You have me to thank for what?” Ash asked as he rounded the corner, running his hand through his unruly mop of hair. He came right over to Nick and wrapped his arms around his waist, kissing him on the lips.
Nick held out the bowl of eggs to Josh who smiled and went to set the eggs on the table. “For being exactly who you are. For being exactly who I needed and bringing Cory and Josh back into my life.”
“Pfft.” Ash waved his hand in the air dismissing Nick’s words. “I only did what obviously need to be done. You guys are friends and you both needed each other. I was happy to help and to see you happy again.”
Nick kissed him again. “Well, thank you. Did you sleep alright? Josh and I made breakfast if you’re hungry.”
Josh was about to protest but Nick just winked and he smiled in return.
“I’m starving actually. I think my mind and stomach are on the same page and they’ve both realized that after midnight I won’t be eating again for a while. It’s time to pack in the food like I’m storing up for the winter.”
Nick laughed and let Ash go. “Then I’ll make you some toast too. Josh, do you want any juice or toast?”
Ash went to grab a stack of plates and silverware while Nick grabbed some glasses and the juice.
“Juice would be great. Thanks, Nick,” Josh replied and when he caught Nick’s eye, Nick could tell he meant it for more than just the juice.
Nick nodded and only a few minutes later Cory came in followed by Stevie. Eggs and bacon were passed around, toast was buttered, and juice was poured. They all talked about the day and what to expect, went over their timeline and double checked that everyone knew the plan for Nick’s sake during the surgery. Things weren’t as tense as Nick would have figured and he found himself extremely grateful for the easy conversation and their friends to help keep things light.
It was going to be a long two days, but they had friends and family with them every step of the way.
~
The doctor’s office was inside the hospital and had that distinctly clinical smell of disinfectant. The small waiting room was an off-white color with the typical artwork and magazines in their respectives places.
They’d come straight to Ash’s pre-op appointment and were planning to check into their hotel immediately afterward to regroup and plan for dinner. Josh and Cory had opted to go straight to the hotel and they wanted to drive around a bit to explore the city. They didn’t want to be in the way and hover over the situation so they were doing their best to be available but not intrusive.
Stevie was filling out forms and texting with Rick and Adam about the hotel reservations and Nick held Ash’s hand as they chatted quietly about school and Ian. Ash had to go over some papers with his mom and sign a bunch of stuff, but after all was said and done, they sat and waited some more. Nick did his best to keep his bouncing knee quiet and tried to keep conversation flowing to distract them both from the anxiety of waiting.
Nick’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he let go of Ash’s hand to check it. “It’s my dad. He wants to know how your appointment went. Let me text him back real quick.”
“Did you ever tell them we got engaged?” Ash asked as he spun his ring around his finger, looking at it the way Nick had caught him doing a few times already.
“Nah. I’ll tell them when we check in tomorrow night. I don’t want them getting all crazy right before your surgery. We need to focus on this and—”
“Ash Weaver?” a middle-aged blonde woman called out from the doorway to the back offices.
They looked up and Ash nodded. All three of them stood and the nurse led the way down the hall to the second room on the left.
“Hi, Ash. My name is Mel and I’ll be your nurse and will be sitting in on your appointment today. Why don’t you take a seat on the table and we’ll get started,” Mel said and Nick squeezed his hand then sat in one of the chairs along the wall with Stevie.
Mel started with all the customary questions and took the standard vitals, talking about his forms and going over their insurance and payment information. She double checked Ash’s consent for pictures to be taken and also told him they’d be taking some blood to check all his hormone levels. When she handed Ash a robe and asked him to undress from the waist up, Nick double checked that Ash was alright with him staying in the room.
“Of course you’re staying,” Ash said. “I don’t even want to think about doing this without you. But can you guys wait outside while I get undressed?”
Nick and Stevie each gave him a hug and left to stand outside the door.
“How are you doing?” Stevie asked, squeezing his shoulder.
“I’m alright so far,” Nick replied. “I’m not sure how much sleep I’m going to get tonight, but for now, I’m doing okay. How are you doing? You’re his mom and have been dealing with this from the beginning. It must be weird to finally have this day come up.”
“I’m nervous but excited. He’s my little boy and it makes me so happy to see him finally getting the body that he knows he belongs in. All these years he’s struggled and it just—” she brought her hand up to her mouth. “Sorry. I just get emotional thinking—”
The door opened and Ash peeked his head through. “I’m done.” He held the door open and they went back in to wait for the doctor. Ash used one hand to keep his robe closed and grabbed Nick’s hand to have him sit on the table with him. “I’m a little nervous now,” he confessed.
Nick wrapped his arm around Ash’s shoulder and kissed his temple. “We are too, sweetie. But we’re right here and you know what to expect. We’ve all talked about every possible thing that could come up and we know what questions to ask. Your mom will do most of the medical talk and we just go from there, answer any questions that the doctor will have, and see what he has to say.”
Ash nodded and rested his hand on Nick’s thigh as they quieted down and looked around the room. There were pamphlets on the wall in those clear plastic holders and all the typical containers lining the counters. But the posters on the wall were what caught Nick’s attention: they were the educational images of breasts.
It was weird to study the images and their labeled parts because breasts were not something Nick spent any time thinking about. He’d never particularly cared about breasts and didn’t associate breasts to anything in his life. Just the word breast was foreign sounding to him.
“It’s weird, right?” Ash asked, squeezing his thigh and cocking his head slightly as he looked at the images too.
“So weird,” Nick replied and Ash snickered. Stevie chuckled as she noted what they were looking at and only a few moments later there was a knock on the door.
A dark-haired older man pushed the door open and smiled when he entered the room. “I’m Dr. Nyugen, and you must be Ash?”
“Yeah,” Ash replied, shaking his hand. “This is my fiancé, Nick. And my mom, Stephenie.”
The doctor shook both of their hands and pulled over the rolling stool that was seemingly standard in every doctor’s office Nick had ever been in. “Fiancé, huh? There must be quite the story there, as I understand you’re still only seventeen,” Dr. Nyugen said as he grinned at Ash. “You’re both very lucky to have found someone worth holding onto as such a young age. I’m glad to see not all young people are scared off but the thought of settling down.”
The three of them chuckled and probably shared the same thought at his comment.
“Now then, shall we get down to it?” Dr. Nyugen asked. “Why don’t we start with your charts and go over any questions you might have for me.”
Ash nodded and they all chimed in with questions, listening intently to the doctor as he explained each answer, ensuring they understood, and asking a few questions of his own.
“So I see you’ve signed the consent form for pictures to be taken and if it’s alright with you I’ll have Mel join us and we’ll get the exam started,” Dr. Nyugen said and quickly left the room to get Mel.
He was back a moment later and Mel trailed him in with a camera in her left hand.
“Ash, are you comfortable with your family in the room, or would you like them to step out for a few minutes?” the doctor asked.
Ash squeezed Nick’s hand that he’d grabbed. “It’s fine if they stay.”
“Alright. Why don’t we have you stand against the gray wall and if you’ll remove your robe, we can see what we’re up against,” Dr. Nyugen said and Ash let go of Nick’s hand to stand against the wall.
It was a weird few minutes for Nick and he made the choice to respect Ash’s wishes by not watching as the doctor spoke to him and examined his chest. Ash hadn’t asked him not to look or to leave the room, but Nick also knew he’d prefer if he didn’t watch. He’d said a few times that he wished he’d already had his surgery and that Nick would never have had to see him that way, and even though he’d given Nick the gift of those few minutes when they’d both been topless and chest to chest, he knew it was completely different with Ash being in a clinical setting with bright lights and pictures being snapped of one of his most vulnerable moments.
Nick didn’t need to see Ash that way any longer. He knew exactly what his man looked like and didn’t need some image of him floating around in his brain that would taint the way Nick recognized him. It had been amazing to have those moments together when they’d had happened, but that had been enough for him. He knew Ash loved him and had shared his deepest fear and insecurity with him and Nick didn’t need to ruin their special moments by obscuring them with his clinical exam.
He listened as Dr. Nyugen spoke, explaining what he would be doing and where Ash’s scars would be. Ash asked a few questions about the scars fading over time and just double checked that periareolar wasn’t an option, and the doctor confirmed that Ash would have a better result and a more contoured look for his body shape if he stuck with bilaterals. The doctor explained that Ash would have two scars just under his pectoral muscles and there would be a gap between them which made Ash sigh with relief. They talked about nipple reduction and grafting and also loss of sensation which Dr. Nyugen said would be occurring at the onset but to expect sensation to return gradually over the coming months. They talked a little about drains and after care where Stevie chimed in with her two cents and prescription information and once the pictures were finished, Ash slipped his robe back on and Mel left to room to go upload his pictures.
Ash took his previous seat right next to Nick but spoke softly into his ear as he settled on the crinkly paper. “You didn’t have to do that, but thank you. I love you.”
Nick nodded back at him and even though he gave Ash a watery smile, his heart did a weird flippy thing in his chest. He knew he’d made the right choice, but it hit him like a ton of bricks, what he’d just sat through. He kept relatively quiet as the appointment wrapped up and Stevie excused herself while they waited for his phlebotomist to come in.
When the door closed and they were alone, Nick threw his arms around Ash’s neck, hugging him tightly and he could feel the tears as they formed in his eyes along with the lump in his throat.
“You okay?”Ash asked quietly as he returned his hug, curling his fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck.
Nick nodded slightly but only tightened his hold as a few tears escaped down his cheek. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry,” he croaked and cleared his throat again. “It just kind of hit me right then and I just need to be close to you. I love you so much and I know I’m kind of a mess but I’m just feeling so many emotions.”
Ash nodded against him and cleared his throat as well before he was able to reply. “You don’t have to apologize, baby. All of this is so emotional. I love you too and as soon as we leave we’re definitely going to have some serious cuddle time. I’ll send my mom off to Rick and Adam’s room and we’ll just be together. I need to be close to you too and even though I’m more excited than nervous, I want to be here for you to help support you through this as well. Everyone is here for me but I’m sorry if you’ve been needing support and have been feeling alone. This was so much to ask you to go through and I should have done a better job making sure you were getting everything you needed from me and our family.”
Sniffling a little, Nick pulled back and rubbed at his eyes. Ash helped him wipe away his tears and the look of concern on his face had Nick feeling a little stronger. They’d need each other more than ever over the next few days and he felt so grateful that Ash had recognized what he’d needed without him having to confess it all.
When the knock on the door came and an older woman named Sandy entered, followed by Stevie, Nick felt like he had a much better hold of himself. Stevie looked at them questioningly, obviously having noticed Nick’s swollen eyes, but he nodded that he was okay and turned his attention to Sandy and Ash.
And as they finished at the hospital with packets of information, a cleanser for Ash to use on his torso, strict instructions on fasting and water consumption, and the ease of tension that only came with the completion of something you hadn’t really been looking forward to, Stevie drove them through McDonald’s and they each got an ice cream cone as their reward.
Nick hadn’t let go of Ash’s hand since the doctor’s office and he contented himself with eating his ice cream left-handed.
Ash smiled at him as Stevie went into the hotel to check them into their room and Nick smiled back. But when Ash leaned closer and accidentally got some of his ice cream on Nick’s chin, he closed his eyes as Ash swiped the ice cream off using only his tongue.
Ash withdrew and Nick caught him sucking a bit of his ice cream into his mouth as he leaned back over and shared the cold melty treat with Nick; vanilla ice cream swirled around in their mouths as they kissed. More than a few naughty scenarios ran through Nick’s mind that involved a lot more ice cream but just as Nick was ready for more, Ash retreated with a few lingering kisses and a grin, and not more than ten seconds later, Stevie opened the door and explained the location of their room.
Ash shot him a wink and a look that promised more of that another time and Nick didn’t take his eyes off his man until the car parked and they needed to get out to help unload. Stevie passed him a key card and he vaguely listened as she told them their room number once again, but as soon as he met Ash at the trunk of the car, Ash wrapped his arms around his waist and pressed a soft cold kiss to his neck.
