Complement, page 19
part #3 of Connectivity Series
It reminded him of that phrase he’d heard a bunch of times that you needed to love yourself before you could love someone else and while he wouldn’t say he was the poster boy for the phrase, Ash wasn’t even in the same room as the poster. They were at different places in their lives, though, they were both discovering who they were and growing into themselves, Nick’s journey was much less complicated than Ash’s and that left him feeling unsure.
He just wanted to hold his guy and love him to pieces and reassure him that he was perfect in Nick’s eyes. But he also wanted distance. If Ash’s top priority was learning to love himself and trying to just be happy in his own skin, then how much room did that leave for him to learn to love Nick? And as selfish as it sounded, he really wanted to be loved back just as fiercely.
“I know, love. I know,” Nick replied and just saying those words brought on a fresh wave of nerves and anxiety. He could feel the swirling emotions in the pit of his stomach and as much as he hated to admit it, there was a tiny niggle of fear coupled with heartache and self-preservation and he kind of wanted to curl into a ball and be alone.
He pressed a kiss to Ash’s temple and pulled back from their hold. “If you’re feeling better, I’m going to go shower and change, okay?” he asked, looking away when Ash tried to catch his gaze. Ash murmured his consent, so Nick climbed out of bed, grabbed a change of clothes and quietly left the room, closing the door behind him. It wasn’t until he’d locked the bathroom door and turned on the shower that he let himself release the first wave of sorrow in his heart. For the first time since he’d laid eyes on Ash and discovered what their Connection really meant, he felt utterly alone and as he peeled himself out of his shorts and underwear and stepped into the scalding hot water, he ducked his head into the spray, using the water to wash away his tears.
~
Later that night, Nick texted Cory to let him know that he and Ash had talked, and even though that wasn’t technically true, at least it would keep his friend from asking too many questions. Cory texted back that he wanted to talk again soon and also mentioned that Nick’s parents had called and spoken with his mom about Connectivity. Apparently they were all getting together that weekend to demonstrate and answer questions. Nick was relieved that at least that was one thing off his mind.
He’d used his time in the shower and bathroom as a sort of cathartic moment, cleansing his palate, so to speak, and he’d packed all his unsettled feelings away, planning to do his best to just be present with Ash and to continue to support him in whatever way he could. But he had to admit, when he thought about their future in the long term, it seemed like what they were going through was only temporary. That once Ash had his surgery and was able to live as himself for a few months, things would begin to settle and they’d both be more comfortable. And those thoughts, more than anything, helped to calm and reassure him that what they were going through would pass.
So they spent a quiet Saturday getting into their studies, each of them with their required reading and textbooks spread out all over their bed.
Sunday afternoon, they Skyped with Nick’s parents and both of them seemed a lot more accepting of Nick’s Connection to Ash, even going so far as to offer them more rent money so they could get a small studio apartment where they could be together. But they’d declined, reminding his parents that Ash was, indeed, still only seventeen and they promised to reconsider after his birthday and once he felt more comfortable leaving home.
And, so, their week began again. Things weren’t necessarily routine yet, but they were both familiar enough with school and what that required that getting back into the habit of studying and planning their lives around their classes was fairly second nature. Though Nick had to admit, college was way more flexible than his seven-hour days in high school and more if you counted his after-school sports.
Nick did his best to attend to Ash and not let his tender heart bleed through into their interactions. But it was tough because they literally spent all their time together. And while Nick’s feelings for Ash intensified despite his attempt to protect his heart a bit, he could see it in Ash’s eyes that he knew Nick was struggling with something. Every time he caught Ash looking at him, he could practically hear the unasked questions rolling off his tongue. And maybe that was worse, knowing Ash wanted to ask, but didn’t. For whatever reason, he’d study Nick’s face with a look of concern then dip his head back down and continue his reading.
It wasn’t until that Friday, that Ash made his move. After their long hour apart, where Ash always greeted him with a huge hug and a sigh of relief as Nick left his last class, Ash simply grabbed his hand and led him back out to the willow structure where a good deal of Nick’s inner turmoil had begun.
They went into the same space they’d gone in before and where last time Ash had taken full control of the situation, this time he turned his back to Nick and stood with his arms wrapped around himself. He didn’t say anything for a long time and Nick wasn’t sure if he was the one who was supposed to fill the awkward silence or not, but he kept quiet and waited, tucking his hands into his pockets.
When Ash finally did speak, his voice was quiet and rough with emotion. “I know you’re dying inside, Nick. I can see it in your eyes everytime you look at me. You used to look at me like I was the air you were breathing, the reason your heart beat. You would hold me like I was some rare and precious treasure you couldn’t believe you’d been given. But now… I can see that that’s changed. You’re trying too hard to smile. All I’d have to do was look at you and your smile would take my breath away. Now I look at you and lose my breath for another reason.”
Nick’s heart thumped like a lead balloon in his chest, heavy and ready to drop out of his feet.
“This is my worst fear and greatest nightmare all rolled into one and I’m not sure what to do to fix it,” Ash whispered. “That first night in the hospital when I cried because I was worried about how finding you would affect my transition? This, right here, is what I was worried about. Of course I was upset that I wouldn’t have the money I needed to hold up my end of the deal for surgery, but I was terrified that you wouldn’t accept me for who I was. But to my surprise and most grateful heart, you were perfect. Absolutely, unquestionably the most perfect human I’d ever met. And you still are. The problem here isn’t you, Nick. It’s me. Where I once thought I was so self-assured and knew exactly who I was, I’m struggling to remember who that person was before you came along.
“I know I was Ash, the weird trans boy in my school who didn’t really have many friends. And I knew I was a Catalyst who liked video games and Star Wars. But I’d never been forced to acknowledge other parts of me before and now that I am, I’m trying to recognize those parts of me and understand that I’m still me even if those parts feel foreign. I know I’m blathering on and not making much sense, but I wanted to talk to you about something and see what you had to say about it.”
Ash finally turned around and looked at Nick with so many emotions playing across his face that Nick couldn’t get a read on what he might want to talk about.
Ash took a deep breath and let his arms fall to his sides. “When we get home,” he paused, forcing his gaze to remain on Nick. “I wanted to see what you would think about… Being naked with me,” he whispered, looking Nick right in the eye. “I’ll probably still want to wear my binder, but I know part of the reason we’re struggling so much is because of my body image issues and how I see myself. I know our Connection is struggling as well because we’ve been forced to deny any physicality that usually acts to reinforce a couple's desire for each other. I’ve denied you, Nick, and I’m really sorry for that. A Connective pairing isn’t meant to be denied, it’s meant to be treasured and nurtured and I’ve kept you away from me, both physically and mentally, for too long.
“I not proposing we have sex, though, because the first time I have sex with you I want it to be in the body I was supposed to have when I was born. But I am proposing lots of naked time and touching. I need to be close to you. I want to feel your skin against mine and let it heal us and bring us closer together because we were made to be together. Denying my Complement access to who I am at my most intimate level is like denying a part of my soul. I can’t deny you anymore, Nick. It hurts too much.” Ash’s eyes started to water and Nick blinked, realizing his own eyes had started to water as well.
“Will you let me be with you and hold you and love you again?” Ash whispered, and Nick nodded, opening his arms for Ash to find his way home.
They stood in their willow turret, hugging and rocking back and forth for a long time, simply taking comfort from their nearness again. And without any more words spoken between them, when they left their little hideaway that afternoon, it was together, hand in hand, shooting each other intimate little looks of love and devotion, and Nick felt his soul shine with a renewed blinding love for his fierce and protective guy. He’d found someone who was willing to fight for them and was setting their love as a priority in their lives, and he couldn’t be more grateful to call Ash his. And as he drove them home on that sunny afternoon, he may have even started thinking about their future. A future where he’d discovered the perfect new word to describe his man.
But... One thing at a time.
~
When he parked his car in the driveway, he was relieved to note that Stevie was not around. He knew she worked on Fridays but would have hated for some change in plans that would have put off his afternoon with Ash.
They left the car together, and Nick unlocked the door, following Ash down to their room. In a reverse of the previous Friday, Ash was the one who closed and locked the door. He took their bags and leaned them against his desk in the corner of their room, then closed the blinds and pulled the shade down. The room was considerably darker but still not dark enough that Nick couldn’t see his guy.
When Ash turned back, he looked a little nervous but still came to him and in much the same fashion, helped Nick take his shoes off and discarded his own as well. He stood before Nick, looking quickly once at the door, then reached for the hem of his shirt and drew it up over his head. He tossed it off toward the door and let his arms fall to his sides as Nick got his first look at the shape and size of his most cherished person.
Ash was slim but not skinny. He didn’t have the pronounced waistline that Nick would have associated with a feminine figure and he had the broad shoulders that Nick had known he would find from all the times he’d held Ash in his arms. His pale skin stood out in contrast to the black sort of tank top that was obviously his binder and covered most of his torso. Nick hadn’t been sure what the binder would actually look like, preferring to make any inquisitions into Ash’s world through him instead of through the internet, but it was pretty simply constructed and Nick could see red lines at the edges of the garment where it rubbed against his skin. It was really tight and it looked super uncomfortable.
Not wanting Ash to feel put on the spot and alone in their private moments, he drew off his own shirt and tossed it to join Ash’s by the door. He moved over to his guy and reverently cupped his cheeks and placed a soft kiss to his lips. He ran his fingertips down Ash’s neck and traced his collarbone and shoulders, ignoring the material that remained in their way. That was just cosmetic and soon enough it would be gone. But he’d never get his first time looking at Ash back so he wanted to treat it like the gift that it was. He wanted Ash to feel every ounce of love and respect he had for him and if that meant leaving a trail of kisses along fabric instead of skin, then that’s what it meant.
It was Ash he was loving, not the barrier between them.
Ash brought his hands up and placed them gently on Nick’s chest, watching him as he explored Ash’s body with his eyes.
Nick continued his exploration by moving his hands around to the back of Ash’s shoulders and down his back, lightly skimming the binder just as softly as if he were touching his skin. Then brought his hands back up and over his shoulders, down his biceps, and up his forearms. He linked their fingers together on his chest and leaned in to press another kiss to Ash’s lips.
“Thank you for sharing yourself with me,” he whispered against Ash’s mouth and Ash nodded and wrapped his arms around his waist.
Nick held him in return, cradling him with one hand on the back of his head and one arm across his back.
Only a few moments later, Ash pulled back and unbuttoned his shorts then let them fall to the ground and slung them off with his toe. He was wearing plain gray briefs that Nick knew he preferred, having seen them around their room, and Nick mimicked his action, removing his own shorts in similar fashion.
Ash stood before him in his binder and underwear and Nick’s heart wanted to jump out of his chest and scream to the world that Ash was his. The amazingly brave boy standing across from him, baring his most intimate fears to be put on trial, was the undisputed love of his life and Nick swooped in and picked him up, smiling and laughing as Ash giggled in his arms. He spun them around, loving the feel of his guy’s skin against his own and the sound of his laughter brought a wave of happiness to Nick’s heart and soul.
He slowed their spinning and Ash dropped his legs to stand on his own, but Nick didn’t let him out of his arms. “I love you, Ash Weaver, and I’m going to spend every day for the rest of my life adoring every particle of your existence.”
Ash pushed up on his toes and pressed a kiss to his lips. “Promise?” he asked and kissed him again. Nick nodded and Ash asked, “Even if two of those particles end up on the butcher shop floor?”
“Not a funny joke, babe. If those two particles go, that means there’s less of you to love. But on the flip side, it means I’ll just have to love what’s left of you even more. And right now, I really want to love what’s left of you.”
He kissed Ash without restraint, holding the sides of his head, then lifted him up and carried him to their bed. He pulled back the covers, figuring Ash would be more comfortable with a barrier between them and the world, and they slid in, never breaking contact.
Ash’s hands were tentative at first, touching him like he didn’t know what areas were acceptable, but Nick grabbed his hand and brought it down to his butt, doing the same to him and pulling him in so they were flush against each other.
“I love you,” Nick breathed and released Ash’s butt to shimmy out of his underwear. He left them tangled at the end of the bed and then found Ash’s hand again and replaced it on his bare skin. “Touch me. I’m yours, love. You can do whatever you want to me. I just need to feel you against me. I need our Connection.”
“So do I, babe. So much. I’m sorry it’s taken this long to solidify our bond this way. I need you too and I can’t wait for my surgery so we can do this without any barriers.” Ash moved away slightly and wiggled around, then came back and took Nick’s hand in his. “I know what you’re going to say, but I need you to realize how scary this is for me. This moment is one I’ve feared since I knew what sex and intimacy were and being trans on top of that just doubles the anxiety.”
“Tell me what you want,” Nick replied. “Tell me what you need and where the boundaries are and you know I’ll respect whatever you decide. This is about what fits us and nothing else, okay?”
Ash pressed a kiss to his lips. “I know, and that’s why I trust you so much. It’s easier under the covers when I’m not on display, so thank you for thinking of that.” Nick nodded. “Nothing inside there, okay? That’s definitely going to take some more time and I’m not sure if you know this or not, but that’s why we’re talking about it. Being on T kind of dries things out down there. I don’t produce the same natural lubrication anymore so if we ever get there, we’re going to need to be prepared for that. I’ve heard those tissues deteriorate as well, so it might take a while to be comfortable for me. I don’t know if I’d ever bleed because of the wear and tear, but we can talk about that another time.” Nick nodded again.
“When we do start to explore more, though, I think I’d like to start with—my butt,” he whispered, looking almost ashamed by his admission.
“Baby, don’t hide what you want from me. If that’s what you want, then fine. I’m not going to think you’re weird or wrong for how you want to explore your own body. I want you to be open with me so I know we’re on the same page. I know you’re going to have a different perspective and approach to what you feel comfortable with, so just tell me what it is and we’ll try it.”
Ash nodded. “It’s just that… The other thing is so defining, you know? Like, I have that part so that must be what I am, and I’ve struggled for years with having that instead of a penis and balls. You see how I can’t even talk about it? It’s just not something I’m ready to explore yet.”
“That’s totally fine, baby. I get it. I just need to know those things in advance. I don’t want to put you in an uncomfortable situation because I didn’t know the boundaries, okay?”
“Okay,” Ash agreed. “One more thing and we can move on. Sorry, this is kind of a mood killer, huh?” One corner of his mouth hitched up and Nick pressed his hips against Ash’s leg. “Oh. Okay, maybe not then. Uh, yeah. Um, there’s a good chance, that if we ever decided we wanted it, and things moved in that direction, I could still get pregnant.”
Nick froze. “What? Pregnant?” That statement captured his complete and undivided attention.
Ash nodded. “Not right now, obviously, since T stopped my period like six weeks after I started taking it. I’m not releasing eggs so I’m not ovulating, hence the no period thing, but if we ever wanted kids, and we were comfortable down there, and it didn’t send me back to my dysphoria panic, I could still become pregnant if I stopped taking T for a while. I’m not trying to freak you out or anything, I’m just saying it’s possible, and we need to be responsible about my injections.”
