Complement, page 14
part #3 of Connectivity Series
Nick raised up onto his elbows and Ash scooted back so he could sit up fully. After adjusting himself, which caused Ash to giggle, he lightly grasped the backs of Ash’s elbows as they sat together in much the same position they’d started their conversation with. “And I couldn’t have imagined anyone like you. I didn’t know anything about Connectivity or Catalysts or Complements, but the universe knew exactly what it was doing when it sent you to me. You’re my guardian angel or Prince Charming or something, kissing me awake and turning my life into something worth living.”
Ash leaned in and kissed him, holding him close by the back of his neck. They rested their foreheads together and Ash pecked him once more.
“Are you feeling better about the surgery? I know it’s scary and it is a big deal, but hopefully, you feel a little better about it now.”
“Marginally,” Nick said. “I’m still concerned and I’m not sure that will just go away overnight. I think it may be a blessing in disguise that I’ll end up passing out during your surgery because I don’t think there would be any other way for me to handle going through that. I’m going to be a wreck leading up to D-day, but I don’t think that can be helped. The only thing I can promise you is that seeing you and touching you after your surgery is over and knowing you’re completely fine, that’s what’s going to make me feel better. You’d better be expecting constant hand holding and spoon feeding pretty much around the clock because I’m not sure I’ll be able to leave your side once it’s over.”
Ash smiled, reminding Nick of the worried expression he’d had not long before and wanted to try to be more accepting of the circumstances. Ash needed the surgery to become who he was supposed to be and Nick was going to try to do his best to support him throughout the process, even if it scared the piss out of him.
“I love you,” Ash whispered. “Thank you for trying to understand and thank you for supporting me even though you’re uneasy about it.”
“I love you too and you’re welcome. You’re my boo. I gotta be there for you.”
Ash giggled. “Your boo?”
“Mmm hmm.”
“What does that make you then?” Ash asked.
“I dunno. What do you want me to be?”
“How about,” Ash tapped his chin playfully thinking of something, “bae?”
“Bae? Is that even a word?”
Ash giggled again and proceeded to fill him in on the origin of the cutesy nickname.
They spent the rest of the afternoon talking and playing video games, doing their best to eat their way through a bag of chips, and devouring a couple of microwave burritos. It was exactly what they needed to relax and chill out after their intense conversation and Nick’s anxiety. He still wasn’t as relaxed and easy going as Ash about the whole thing, but he would work on it and let the things he couldn’t control slide off his back. Ash needed his support and love and he would be there to give him both.
~
It seemed to have become a trend for Ash to sleep on the pull-out sofa with Nick each night, but so far things had been completely unfunny in the funny business department. Ash had stayed completely on his side of the bed, and other than an occasional foot crossing the equator, nothing else had come close to happening.
The last Friday before school started, Nick had woken slightly when he’d heard Stevie leave for work, but when he woke the second time, Ash was snuggled right up against him like a little spoon. Nick’s body took an immediate liking to their proximity and he tried not to move so Ash wouldn’t be freaked by Nick Jr. trying to say good morning. The house was quiet since the air conditioner wasn’t running and Nick thought for a moment about doing something with Ash for the day before school started the following week.
As subtly as he could, Nick tried to reach for his phone on the back of the sofa. He managed to get his fingertips on it but as he stretched a tiny bit more, Ash shifted and inadvertently rubbed right against him. He turned his head into the pillow and groaned as softly as he could. Being so close to Ash but never getting any relief had been making Nick’s morning showers a little longer than normal.
Ash lifted his head and squinted at him, his hair standing up all over. “What’s wrong?” he croaked with his raspy morning voice. The scratchy velvety quality of it wrapped around him like a warm blanket, adding fuel to his already growing need.
Nick groaned again and shifted his hips just enough so Ash would most definitely realize his problem.
Ash’s eyes widened as he looked down then back up and met his eyes. “Oh,” he said with a hint of embarrassment.
“Sorry,” Nick said and scooted away. “I’m going to go shower.” He got out of bed quickly and adjusted his shorts so he could at least walk and just as he made it to the bathroom door, Ash called out to him. “Yeah, babe?” he replied, poking his head around the corner.
Ash was sitting on the edge of the bed with his knees tucked up to his chest. “Can… Um, can I, uh… I mean, are you going to—” he waved his hand in Nick’s direction.
“Yeah, babe. It’s a little uncomfortable to leave it.”
Ash nibbled the side of his thumb nervously. “Can I do it?” he asked, color staining his cheeks.
Nick groaned and dropped his forehead against the wall, feeling himself twitch at the prospect of Ash’s hands on him. He looked right at Ash knowing his gaze was full of longing and heat. “Are you sure? You don’t have to, but I could come right now just thinking about your hands on me.”
Ash’s bit his lip and squirmed, pressing his legs together, but he nodded and got up from the bed. When he was close enough to touch, Nick grabbed him and pressed him against the wall, taking his mouth in a needy claim. He could feel a bead of moisture escape his tip and gently rubbed into Ash’s hip, trying to keep their chests from rubbing together.
Ash grabbed him around his neck with one hand and used the other to squeeze his butt, drawing him closer. “Do you want to go back to bed or to the bathroom?” Ash asked as he came up for air.
“I probably won’t need either if you just touch me right here. God, you’ve got me so turned on, babe, I can hardly think.” Nick groaned as Ash brought his hand around and tentatively felt along the front of his shorts.
Neither of them had gone anywhere near the boundary they were approaching, other than the occasional butt squeeze, and definitely nothing without fabric between them, but even though Ash seemed hesitant, he gripped Nick right where he needed him and he moaned into Ash’s hair.
“Fuck, that feels amazing,” Nick choked out and Ash squeezed a little tighter, the fabric of his shorts bunching in his fist. Nick pressed his hips forward but Ash withdrew and a moment later, his hand snaked down into Nick’s underwear. “Oh God, shit…” Nick panted as Ash found him and wrapped his slender fingers around his length.
“I don’t know what to do,” Ash said and Nick kissed him hard, thrusting into his fist.
“Anything,” Nick pleaded. “Just move your hand up and down. I’m so fucking close it won’t take much.”
Ash nodded and wrapped his free arm around Nick’s neck and kissed him while he used his other hand to stroke Nick to climax.
Only a handful of moves later, Nick groaned low in his throat and stilled his hips as he released into his shorts and Ash’s hand. Ash froze with wide eyes, just holding him and when he shuddered as the last little aftershocks subsided, he grabbed Ash’s hand and gently withdrew it, causing his mess to stick to him unpleasantly.
His legs felt like jelly and his mind was peacefully quiet as he pressed a soft kiss to Ash’s lips. “You are incredible, you know that?” Nick praised and he saw Ash smile as some color rose in his cheeks.
“That was fast,” Ash said and Nick laughed.
“Thanks a lot,” he teased. “I can’t help it if my cute-as-fuck boyfriend had me so turned on I was ready to blow before he even got his hands on me. I told you it wouldn’t take much.”
“Is it always like that?”
Nick smiled and nuzzled into Ash’s neck, kissing him tenderly just behind his ear. “Not usually, no. My own hands get the job done but after feeling your hands on me, it was no wonder I came so fast. You’re amazingly sexy most of the time, but even more so when you’re all sleepy and warm and have your ass snuggled up into me.”
Ash shivered as he licked a stripe from his shirt collar up to his ear. “How can you think I’m sexy when all I wear are these baggie clothes all the time? And are you always so lovey-dovey afterward?” Ash giggled as Nick gently nipped at his earlobe.
“You are sexy. Just because your shape is covered up a bit doesn’t mean I can’t still appreciate looking at you. Plus your mind and our Connection are things that would do it for me even if I was blind. I love everything about you, no matter what. And I don’t know if I’m usually this lovey-dovey afterward. I’ve never had an afterward.”
Ash pulled back, a look of surprise on his face. “You’ve never been with anyone before?”
“No,” Nick answered. “I thought I told you I’ve never had sex before.” Nick nicked his chin out and Ash followed.
“Well, sex, yeah. But not even what we just did?” Ash asked as Nick turned on the hot water in the shower. Ash washed his hand as Nick replied.
“No. I’ve never let anyone touch me. I always put on the brakes before anything ever got that far. I only dated for status really, as sad as that is. I was the captain of the baseball team. It was practically expected that I was supposed to date. But I never let anyone get that far. Most of the time I barely tolerated any of them, anyway.”
“Did you only ever date girls before?” Ash looked down and fiddled with the hem of his gray shirt that bore his school’s logo.
Nick left the shower to warm up and came over, touching Ash gently under the chin. “Hey. Does that bother you?”
Ash looked at him but didn’t answer and just shrugged a shoulder.
“Can we talk about this for a minute? We haven’t really talked about what all this means for us and what we’re expecting from each other.” Nick went over and turned off the shower then leaned back against the counter and pulled Ash to stand between his legs, resting his hands on his hips. “Talk to me, babe. I want to know what you’re thinking and how you feel about the intimacy between us. We’re going to need to have that talk sooner or later and from the sticky mess in my shorts, now seems like a good time since we’ve just crossed that line.”
Ash buried his face in Nick’s shoulder and hugged him around the waist. “This is so awkward. I knew this was going to come up sooner or later.”
“Babe, I don’t want things to be awkward between us. I want us to be on the same page and I want us to talk about what we want and what words we want to use. This is new territory for me and I’m sure you’ve thought about the fact that you’d have to have this conversation with anyone you were ever with. How do you think this should go?”
Ash straightened up, finally meeting his eyes. “Fine. Obviously, you realize that since I’m not a ‘real’ boy—”
“Hey,” Nick scolded sharply, startling Ash as his head drew back in surprise. “I won’t ever tolerate that, do you understand me? I don’t ever want to hear you say that again. I’m not going to stand by and allow you to diminish what you feel, and know to be true in your soul, just for the sake of conversation. Jesus, Ash. ‘Real boy’? How can you even say that about yourself after everything you’ve been through?”
Ash looked back at him with wide eyes and seemed to be holding his breath.
“I’m sorry if I’m being too harsh, but I’m letting you know now, that’s a hard line for me. I don’t like you talking like that about yourself.” Ash nodded slightly but still had a tentative look about him. Nick cupped his cheek and placed a soft kiss to his lips. “Sorry. Please keep talking. I want to hear what you have to say.”
Ash looked away, but after a moment, he returned Nick’s gaze. “Thank you for sticking up for me,” Ash whispered and swallowed hard. Nick could see a slight sheen of moisture in his eyes and Ash blinked a few times trying to clear his vision. Nick pulled him in and hugged him close, offering his comfort to his Catalyst. “I guess I sometimes get down on myself without realizing it and things like that slip out. I’m feeling a little awkward and dysphoric right now because I’ve always wondered what it would be like to… To have a penis,” he whispered and Nick squeezed him again. “I can get rid of my chest and dress like a boy, but I’ll never have what you have. And I guess after what we did and after I got to see you like that, it kind of made me jealous and hurt a little, I guess, that I can’t have that, like that. It makes me dog myself and use derogatory names because I feel like I’m lacking and I’m stuck with this body that doesn’t match who I am. I hate thinking of myself that way like I’m not enough. That’s not fair either and it becomes a balancing act of shame and self-doubt versus truth and feeling. Sometimes, the wrong one wins.”
“Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t want anything we do in regard to sex or intimacy to be awkward or make you feel inferior or like less than you are. We’re both new to this kind of relationship and we’re going to need to be as open and honest as we possibly can be. If we ever plan to have sex or even see each other naked or touch each other, we’re going to need to be one-hundred percent comfortable with each other. That may be harder for you than for me, but if I’m the one you’re with, then you need to be comfortable with me. And I realize that isn’t just going to happen overnight, it’s going to take time and trust. But I want to get there with you.” He kissed the top of Ash’s head and he looked up.
“I want to get there with you too, it’s just going to take some time.”
Nick nodded. “Of course it will. Have you thought at all about how you’d like that to look? Obviously, starting out slow and progressing to more, but in the long run, I mean. I’m not that familiar with gay sex, but I get the basics of anal penetration. Do you think that’s something you’d like to explore? We can look online for how to handle that for you. There has to be someone on YouTube who talks about gay sex for trans men. I don’t want our sex life to be only about me because I’m able to get an erection and I’m bigger. If you see yourself as penetrating me and taking control, then we need to talk about those things so we have a game plan when the time is right. I realize you’re only seventeen, and if that means you’d rather wait until you’re eighteen to go much farther, then we should talk about that too. If not, we can shop online in the privacy of our own space and not feel embarrassed about making any purchases.”
Ash groaned and pressed his face into Nick’s shoulder, bringing his hand up to cover his eyes.
“What? Did I say something wrong?”
Ash shook his head and when he looked up, he smirked at Nick. “I was just thinking about us trying to have sex on the sofa bed in my living room.”
Nick groaned as well as he realized what Ash meant. “Yeah, probably not. That would be super weird.”
“We could move into my room,” Ash said, looking up at Nick with a mixture of hesitation and excitement battling for the win. “I mean, if you want to, I guess. I’m not saying that I’m ready for sex or anything, but I like sleeping with you and it’s obvious we’re doing this anyway, so I don’t know if my mom will care. I guess at some point we should probably consider whether or not we want to keep living here. If things progress and we get to the point where we’re sexually active, I’m not sure either of us will want to have to time our lives around my mom’s work schedule.”
Nick nodded in agreement. “For sure. Maybe it’s too early to be thinking about this, but, could you see us getting married?” Ash’s eyes widened and Nick smiled. “I don’t mean right now, of course. I just mean in the future, like I dunno, maybe after you turn eighteen.”
Ash smiled up at him and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I could see us getting married.” Ash winked at him. “Not that I have much of a choice, I guess.”
“Hey. I don’t think I like what you’re implying here. I am a great catch, I’ll have you know,” Nick teased and then dug his fingers into Ash’s sides, startling a laugh out of him.
Ash squirmed and laughed and tried to retaliate by tickling Nick back, but just as he thought he’d gotten both of Ash’s hands secured, he managed to give him the slip and got Nick right in the ribs, causing him to jump away with peals of laughter.
They were both giggling and laughing as they took their chase throughout the house and actually ended up chasing each other around the backyard.
As Nick was chasing Ash back through the house from the yard, Ash leapt onto the sofa bed, turned suddenly while still laughing, and jumped right into him, throwing his arms and legs around him and holding him in a death grip.
Nick stumbled a moment but steadied himself with his precious cargo held securely in his arms.
“I love you!” Ash shouted over his shoulder as he continued to laugh and hold on tightly.
Nick squeezed his guy in return, feeling his heart explode with love. “I love you, too, boo.” And he laughed and spun them around and around in circles. When he got too dizzy and finally plopped them down on the bed, he looked into Ash’s smiling, happy face and kissed him all over again.
-IX-
After they finally showered and had some cereal, Nick told Ash his plan about wanting to do something for the day since school would be starting soon and their summer was nearing an end. Ash pulled up some local hiking spots and they decided on a place that was less than an hour away but had a cool looking trail and some small rock arches at the end.
After finally looking at all the photos Nick had taken, from his failed hiking trip, Ash had expressed definite interest in going out and doing some hiking and exploring as well.
