Complement, page 18
part #3 of Connectivity Series
Turning another corner, Nick recognized where they were and what was up ahead. The school had recently commissioned an artist to install an art structure made entirely out of willow branches. It was so interesting to see how all the branches and vines had been woven together and the structure featured six or seven “rooms” that were shaped sort of like turrets on a castle. Each room had several windows and doors of varying sizes, but apparently seemed private enough for Ash because he walked them right up to it and even though it was pretty much in the center of the quad, he pulled Nick inside the largest room, dropped his bag, and found the one spot they would be least visible to onlookers. Ash turned suddenly before they were at the wall and giving Nick the sexiest bedroom eyes he’d ever seen, backed up against it and beckoned him without a word.
Nick dropped his bag as well and slowly and deliberately closed the distance between them, eyes intent on his prey. Ash lowered his head just slightly and Nick felt butterflies erupt in his stomach at the way Ash batted his eyelashes at him. With scarcely a thought as to where they actually were, Nick lowered his head and kissed Ash like it was the last thing he’d ever do.
Their arms tangled and grabbed for purchase while Nick slid his left hand down Ash’s side to grip his butt and pull him in tighter. Ash made the quietest sound in his throat, but it stirred Nick’s blood and he quickly realized they’d made a mistake by going in there. The combination of missing Ash, the little looks they’d just exchanged, and their semi-private location were ramping Nick’s arousal up past the point of no return.
Ash seemed only too aware of his situation and may have tried to get closer, if that were even possible and Nick groaned as he felt the pressure of Ash’s body against him. His clever little boyfriend, not so innocently, wiggled his hips back and forth against him, creating a heavenly friction against his length. Even though he could feel the zipper on his shorts and the button on Ash’s shorts, their bite only added fuel to his fire.
The sensations Ash was creating, along with the naughtiness of what they were doing and where, had Nick panting out Ash’s name and either praying for release or the willpower to hold off. Ash attached his lips to Nick’s neck and ear and whispered a few dirty lines about enjoying the thought of everyone watching him come undone and that it only sparked his own desire and arousal for Nick.
That last line about Ash being hot for him, and the sneaky move he made by bringing his hand between them to rub his blunt fingernails along the length of him through his shorts, had Nick pressing into Ash’s neck to muffle the sound of him coming in his shorts. He groaned and Ash actually slapped a hand over his mouth in an attempt to quiet him, but as the tremors faded and they remained plastered together, Nick lovingly and thoroughly claimed Ash’s mouth, quieting his mind and his racing heart but deepening his Connection with his lover.
When they finally just held each other and the sounds of reality crept back in, Ash pulled back and looked at him with so much love and trust in his eyes that it set Nick’s stomach fluttering again. He looked right into Nick’s soul and what Nick saw reflected back at him was completely honest and raw, and it was breathtaking. “I love you,” they both said at the same time and smiled as their joint statements resonated with the truth.
“Thank you for trusting me to to take care of you,” Ash said and Nick cocked his head to one side, not fully understanding what Ash meant by that as his foggy brain tried to come back online. “I brought you out here, basically in the middle of campus, and just got you off where anyone could have seen us, but you trusted that I would keep you safe. You turned your back to the world, and with blind devotion, allowed me to lead you to your most vulnerable state. I would never have put you in a compromised position and I purposely put my back to the wall so I could make sure you were uninterrupted to feel our bond. And you let me. Without asking questions or hesitation. You came right into my arms and put your trust in me and I can’t even tell you how that makes me feel.”
Nick had had no idea that he’d done that at all, but once Ash said the words, he realized how true they were. He hadn’t even thought twice about what they were up to and he had allowed Ash to take full control of what they’d just done, without even thinking about it. Ash was absolutely right that he’d taken charge of Nick’s pleasure and it had been incredible; sexy and erotic with a touch of the forbidden. Giving that power to Ash had been as natural as their Connection, suiting them on some level they’d never even explored before. And Nick felt truly humbled to have Ash as his protector, his guardian, and his lover.
“Then don’t,” Nick whispered against his lips. “Just let it be. I can’t tell you why it felt so natural to just let you take me that way, but it did. Without even knowing it, I instinctively gave into you and it was like I was flying. I’ll always seek refuge in your arms and put my absolute trust in you in any situation. You are my guiding light, Ash. And I’ll never take the love you offer so freely for granted.” He pressed a tender kiss to Ash’s lips and Ash wrapped his arms around his neck, holding on to keep them close.
After a few quiet moments they both separated. “Let’s get you home so you can change,” Ash said and Nick discretely adjusted things down there.
“Can you tell I jizzed in my shorts?” Nick asked with a wink and Ash cracked a smile. He took a long lingering look of Nick’s lower half and the heat of his gaze threatened to bring things back to life. “If you don’t stop looking at my crotch like that we’re going to have to stay in here for round two.”
Ash’s eyes snapped up to meet his and they narrowed in consideration of accepting the challenge.
“No. We’re not going for round two unless it’s for you,” Nick challenged back and Ash paled then dropped his eyes, trying to step around him to grab his bag. Nick sidestepped to block him. “Sweetie, what’s wrong? What was that reaction about?” Ash just shook his head but wouldn’t meet his eyes. Nick gently placed his hand on Ash’s shoulder then ran it down the length of his arm until he could twine their fingers together. “Are you worried about what I’m going to think when we get to that step?” Nick asked softly and Ash just shrugged, bringing his free hand across his stomach to protect himself from Nick’s questions.
“Sweetie, you know I think every part of you is special and just because what we have is different doesn’t mean I’m going to love it any less. I adore you and everything that makes you who you are. If you had something else, you wouldn’t be my Ash.” Nick gently tipped his face up with a finger under his chin. “There is nothing in this world that would ever turn me off from wanting you exactly the way you are. And one of these days, I hope you’ll let me prove to you just how much I mean that. You just spoke to me about trust and letting you take care of my pleasure. I mean, you did just get me off in the middle of my college quad. So please allow me to earn your trust in return. It doesn’t have to be today, or tomorrow, or next week, but it kind of breaks my heart that you’re still so uncomfortable with me—”
“I’m not uncomfortable with you,” Ash interrupted quietly, shaking his head. “I’m more comfortable with you than I am with myself.”
Nick’s face softened. “I’m sorry, love. I didn’t mean to press or upset you. You know I try to realize how your dysphoria affects you and the limitations it places in your mind. I know it’s a struggle to try to rationalize those thoughts. But I’d like to be a part of the process that reassures your mind and body that it is perfect just the way it is, okay? I’ll be right by your side every step of your surgery and after while you recover. And if that’s what it takes for your mind to accept you for who you are and for me to finally get to see the real you, then I’m here for it. Plain and simple. Where you go, I go. No matter what.”
Ash nodded and wrapped his arms around around Nick’s waist, burying his face in his shoulder. He cleared his throat. “Thank you for understanding. I’m beyond grateful for having you in my life and for accepting me the way I am. I’m sorry it’s so hard for me to be open with you—”
“Please don’t apologize for something that’s out of your control.”
“But I should be trying harder. I know you would never make me feel anything less than adored, but I’m still trying to get there myself. I love you more than I could ever say and I’m sorry I can’t share that part of me quite yet.”
“Don’t be sorry, love. I’m not in any rush. We’re not in any rush. There’s no rule book that we need to follow that says we have to do this, this, or this, by a certain time. Our relationship is what we decide it is. If that includes sex, or being intimate, whatever that looks like, is for us to figure out together.”
“But, if only I were normal, you wouldn’t be having to deal with any of this.”
Nick sucked in a sharp breath and stepped back, leaving Ash with his arms hanging in mid-air. “Normal?” Nick whispered with furrowed brows, feeling a mountain lodge itself in his throat. He turned away and ran his hands through his hair, gripping the back of his neck and tucking his chin to his chest. He could feel pressure building behind his eyes and could hear Ash, who’d stepped up right behind him, but his heart was beating loudly in his ears, drowning out anything he might have been saying. When Ash placed his hand on Nick’s shoulder, he flinched and curled inward even more. Ash pulled back and he squeezed his eyes closed. “I’m really trying to understand, Ash, but do you understand that if you’d been normal,” he said, threading his tiny voice out of his clogged throat, “then you never would have found me and our Connection wouldn’t mean a damn thing, and I’m sorry, but I just can’t live with that.”
He grabbed his bag off the ground and left the willow structure, knowing full well he could only go so far without Ash, but as Ash called after him and ran up to his side, his mind had shut down and the only thing he could process was that his Catalyst, his soul mate and one true love, would rather be normal than accept Nick’s unyielding devotion, loving him for who he was without question. And if his love wasn’t enough for Ash, then what good was their Connection at all.
-XI-
Their drive home was filled the most awkward silence Nick had ever experienced with Ash. Usually they were holding hands and chatting about whatever came up but neither of them said anything for the fifteen minutes it took him to drive them home.
He parked his car in the driveway and unbuckled his seat belt but when he opened the door to see if Ash was coming, he realized Ash had been silently crying the whole drive and had tear tracks running down his face. As much as Nick wanted to offer him a hug or words of reassurance, he felt like he was the one who could use a few words of affirmation at the time. So he got out and closed the door then grabbed his bag from the back seat, leaving Ash to his solitude. He obviously couldn’t go far and wasn’t going to be able to change his shorts anytime soon, but he was able to grab a chair from the patio and sit in the partial shade of the slatted patio cover.
Never, in the weeks that they’d been together, had Nick ever thought they would end up in this situation. He’d known Ash had body image issues but he’d never thought it would be something to cause a rift between them. From everything Cory and Josh had ever said about their Connection, Nick had hardly thought it was possible to ever even get angry with Ash. But this was almost worse than anger. Disappointment, hurt, and confusion all battled within him to form some emotion he didn’t even have a name for. It was disorienting and left him feeling hollow.
Pulling out his phone, Nick dialed Cory, needing to vent and seek the advice of his best friend.
“Hey, Nick. How’s it going, dude? I was just telling Josh maybe we should go there out for a couple days after you get settled into school and stuff. How was your first week, anyway?” Cory asked.
Nick cleared his throat, not really sure where to start, and Cory caught his hesitation immediately.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, no preamble whatsoever. “Nick? Is everything okay with Ash and school?”
“I don’t really know,” Nick managed and he could hear Cory shushing Josh in the background.
“What do you mean you don’t know? What’s going on, man? Talk to me.”
“Ash and I had a fight,” he confessed, rubbing his hand across his face. He glanced back at the car and Ash was exactly where he’d left him.
“A fight?” Cory parroted back.
“Well, I don’t really know if it was fight but he’s crying and we’re currently not speaking,” Nick explained.
“What? Nick, what’s going on?” Cory asked again, his voice laced with concern.
“Did you know that Ash is transgender?” Nick asked and was met by silence on the other end of the line. He continued, “I didn’t tell you at first because it’s his story to tell and if he wanted anyone to know then that was up to him. But he’s trapped in a body that he hates and battles every day to come to terms with himself. He’s fine most of the time and doesn’t even think about it, but other times he struggles with the dysphoria so badly that he hates himself even more for who he is. I’ve told him over and over again that none of that bothers me—”
“Of course.”
“—I love him for who he is and I love him exactly the way he is. But…” Nick sighed. “It doesn’t ever seem to be enough. I know we’ve only been Connected for a short time and that just because we’re Connected doesn’t mean it’s going to solve Ash’s dysphoria, but I’ve never had to deal with anyone who’s so torn up like he is.”
“Wow, man. I’m not sure what to say about that,” Cory replied. “I hate to admit, though, I don’t really know anything about being transgender.”
“I know. I didn’t either. Ash is transitioning, though, and he’s been on testosterone for like eighteen months. He was saving up the money he needed to get top surgery,” Cory sucked in a breath, “but I’ve given him the rest of what he needs from my rent money. He’s scheduled for surgery on the twenty-first—”
“Like in three weeks?” Cory interrupted.
“Yeah. I’m freaked the fuck out and worried about something going wrong.” Cory made some sound of acknowledgement. “But I’m trying to be positive for him because he needs this, but everything always comes back to him not being enough for me. He makes these comments about being a ‘real’ boy and just now we were fooling around and I told him next time it was his turn, but he just puts up a wall anytime I suggest anything for him. I mean, I get that he’s uneasy about what I’m going to think, right? But I’ve tried to reassure him so many times that it doesn’t matter to me what parts he has, because I’m going to love every part of him no matter what. Then he goes and says stuff like, ‘if only I were normal’ and I just shut down. I think some part of me died a little when he said that. I mean, ‘normal’? What the fuck is that about? If he were normal, he wouldn’t be who he is and I can’t handle that, Cory. I need him to be exactly who he is, because if he’s not Ash, if he’s not my Catalyst, then that means I’m not his Complement and there is no possible way I can live with that.” Nick’s voice cracked and he rubbed his eyes, feeling on the verge of a break down.
There was silence on the other end of the line and Nick couldn’t bring himself to fill it.
“I don’t know what to say, Nick,” Cory finally replied several moments later. “I can’t even imagine what either of you must be going through.”
“Nick?” He spun around at hearing Ash's broken voice. “I'm sorry.” His beautiful boy stood there, tear-stained, wringing his hands, and looking so lost and upset, and Nick had to comfort him. He needed to feel his baby in his arms even if they were in a weird place at the moment. He needed the reassurance of Ash’s presence just as much as Ash needed his.
“I'll call you back,” Nick said into the phone and hung up without waiting for a reply. Ash flew into his arms the moment he was up and wrapped himself around him, crying into his neck. Nick rubbed his hand up and down Ash’s back, savoring their close contact. He left his things right where they were and opened the back door with his key. Ash clung to him as he closed the door with his foot and walked them down the hall to their room. He didn’t turn on the light but shoved the door closed again and pushed in the lock, even though they were alone in the house.
Nick toed off his shoes and slipped Ash’s off as well, then pulled back the covers on the bed and carefully maneuvered them so they were in the same position but lying down. Ash straightened his legs but kept his arms tightly around his neck and Nick pulled the covers up around them, holding his love in his arms.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” Nick whispered into Ash’s ear and Ash squeezed him tighter. “I’m really sorry for walking away from you and I’m sorry for that God awful car ride and I’m sorry for leaving you alone when you were upset in the car. I don’t mean to put any pressure on you and I never want to be the reason you cry. I love you to the end of the everything, forever, and I’m sorry I can’t always see things from your perspective.”
Ash didn’t say anything in response but that was fine with him. He was beyond content to just have his boyfriend in his arms, though boyfriend didn’t seem like quite the right word for what Ash was to him. He was everything: the light, the dark, the love, the hate, the war, the peace. He was the yin to Nick’s yang and Nick would have to think about a better word for what that feeling or sentiment was. Boyfriend was far to lacking a description.
“Do you understand why I was frustrated and needed some space?” Nick asked quietly.
Ash nodded and his voice was muffled when he replied. “I’m sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean to imply that I would trade our Connection, though. That’s one of the most important things in my life.”
And that was when Nick finally got it. While their Connection was the most important thing in Nick’s life, it wasn’t the same for Ash. Nick’s heart thumped heavily and he wondered if it were possible to be both happy and heartbroken at the same time. He had the love of his life safely in his arms, but at the same time, Ash had other things on his mind, and quite possibly, Nick was not at the top of that list.
