Judas: Indignant Few MC Book 1, page 1
Judas
Indignant Few MC Book 1
Deja Voss
Contents
1. Judas: 25 Years Ago - Age 7
2. Judas
3. Judas
4. Judas
5. Judas
6. Judas
7. Judas
8. Judas
9. Judas: Age 20
10. Athena: Present Day
11. Judas
12. Athena
13. Judas
14. Athena
15. Isaac
16. Judas
17. Athena
18. Judas
19. Athena
20. Judas
21. Athena
22. Athena
23. Judas
24. Athena
25. Isaac
26. Judas
27. Judas
28. Athena
29. Isaac
30. Judas
31. Athena
32. Judas
33. Judas
34. Judas
35. Athena
36. Epilogue: ONE YEAR LATER: Athena
Thank you for Reading!
1
Judas: 25 Years Ago - Age 7
I held the fabric in my fingers, tugging at the stretchy dress, holding it to my nose, rubbing it on my face, smearing away the stinging tears in my eyes.
I wasn’t a baby. I was way too old to be hiding in Mama’s closet, watching the world go by through the slats in the wooden doors. Watching as the aunts and uncles I never really knew taped up brown boxes of Mama and Daddy’s stuff. This tiny little room was the only place I could breathe. Breathe the smell of my mama’s perfume on that dress she only wore to church on Christmas when we had to get fancy for Jesus’s people. The smell of Daddy’s leather belt. He never had to use it on me and Isaac, but boy if we didn’t take off running when he looped it over his hand and told us to start acting right. That was almost never.
Isaac and I were good boys. Mama told us that all the time. Even when I broke her favorite snow globe cuz Isaac and I wanted to taste the purple juice inside it, she was sad and mad, but she said I was a good boy. I was a good boy because I felt so sad about hurting something she loved. I did a bad thing, but I felt real sick about it. Bad boys would feel happy when they did mean things, my mama always told me. God forgives you if you say I’m sorry and mean it.
I was trying to be so quiet, sitting there on the closet floor, hoping maybe these people would just forget about me and leave me here. I didn’t want to go live with Aunt Millie. I tried to explain I could make my own food, and school was only a few blocks away, and I knew how to take a shower by myself, but these people weren’t listening to me. They told me little boys need a family to look after them.
I already had a family. I didn’t want a new one. Isaac and I could look after ourselves. Nobody was ever going to replace Mama and Daddy. I already had the best family in the world, even if it was only for seven years. It was time for me to grow up now.
“I don’t like being in here, Pete,” my Aunt Dot said. “I feel like I’m being watched. I can feel ’em here.”
Maybe that’s why I liked being in this closet so much. I could feel ’em here, too. Ever since the accident, this was my spot. Maybe if I wished hard enough they’d come back long enough to tell me what I was supposed to be doing with my life.
“Be tough but kind,” my dad would tell me. “Don’t let anybody take advantage of you, and you don’t ever take advantage of somebody weaker than you are just because you can.”
“Be nice to animals and old people,” Mama would say. “And make sure you always have on clean underwear in case you get in an accident.” This was just me making stuff up. Being silly. Being a weak boy.
“You watch too much TV, Millie,” Pete said. “They’re in the dirt. They’re not gonna come back and haunt you for getting rid of Bobby Jo’s old ratty jeans.”
Uncle Pete was right. Last week, they dropped us off to school on their way to work at the factory, and now they were in the dirt. If I’d known it’d be the last time I’d see ’em, maybe I woulda told Mom to take a picture. She liked to do that, but we men always whined. I didn’t even remember what she was wearing that last time I saw her. If it was those jeans Pete was talking about, I needed to know. Maybe it would help me remember.
Feeling bold, I kicked open the closet door.
“Judas, baby,” Aunt Millie said, reaching out her arms to hug me, “what are you doing in there, mister? Why aren’t you helping Isaac get your toys packed up?” I ducked to avoid her kisses. She was going to pretend to be my mom now, but I didn’t want my mom to think I was okay with it, especially if she really was here in this room.
“Don’t throw her clothes away,” I pleaded, grabbing the jeans from her hands. “Don’t throw her away.” She had tears in her eyes, and it made me feel sad, too.
“We’re not throwing anything away,” she said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “We’re going to put it all in boxes, though. We’re gonna put it in a safe place, and you and I can go visit whenever we want. Does that sound alright?”
I shook my head. I wasn’t trying to be bad, but I didn’t want to visit my mom in a shed. I didn’t want to go visit the hole my parents were in. I wanted everything back to normal.
“Mommy! Mommy!” my cousin Burt shouted. My heart stopped beating when I saw what he was tossing up in the air and catching in his hand. I felt red, like I was turning red, like I was seeing red, and I couldn’t move. “Look what I found!”
Isaac and I collected cans all summer to buy my mama a new snow globe just like the one I broke. It had a pretty fairy inside that looked like her and was full of purple and pink glitter juice, ugly girly stuff, but she loved it. She loved this one even more than the first one because her good boys gave it to her.
“Burty, be gentle with that,” Millie said. It was too late. It smashed off the hardwood floor, glitter juice flying everywhere. I wanted to hit him. I wanted to choke him. I hated him. I ran back into the closet and slammed the door behind me, burying my face in the fabric of the Christmas dress.
2
Judas
“Come on, Jude, it’s your turn!” Isaac said, handing me the Game Boy. He must’ve known I was very sad. He never wanted to share with me before. It didn’t make me feel any better, though. I didn’t want to play a dumb game. Stuff like that didn’t matter anymore. I turned and looked out the car window. Everything was farm and trees. “Jude, come on. Why don’t you want to play?”
“I want to go home,” I said.
“That’s not our home anymore, brother,” he whispered. Aunt Millie was up front driving, and he looked in the rearview mirror, making sure she wasn’t listening to us over her Christian rock music. I didn’t like how excited he was to move to the farm. No matter how many times he explained to me about how rich Aunt Millie and Uncle Pete were, or that we’d get our own rooms, or that our cousins always had the newest video games, I didn’t want any of it. He was a traitor to Mom and Dad. He thought he was upgrading his life. He was so stupid.
We didn’t have a mom and dad anymore, but Aunt Millie and Uncle Pete were going to be our new mom and dad. They already had kids, though. Isaac didn’t understand we were outsiders. We’d never have a mom and dad again. I stared at the trees harder, thinking maybe if things turned out like I expected I could always go live in the woods by myself.
When we got to the farm, it looked like a carnival in the driveway. There was a bouncy house and a clown, and loud music playing from a speaker. There were people everywhere. Kids I knew from school, old white-headed ladies I knew from church. It looked like a big party.
“What is all this shit?” I stammered. I slapped my hand over my mouth. I never said that word out loud before, and it felt really bad.
“It’s your welcome home party, boys,” Aunt Millie said. She didn’t mention my swear. She was trying hard to be nice as possible to us. She was throwing us a party with all the things she thought we would like. My parents would’ve never been able to afford to give us a party like this. We always had our birthday at the bowling alley or the YMCA.
The laughing kids, the loud music, the goofy clown who was bending balloons all around, I hated it all. It made me angry. She wasn’t just trying to make us feel welcome, she was trying to show us she was better than our parents. Our dead parents.
She wasn’t though. Not her, not Uncle Pete. I hated this stupid house. It was too big. I hated this stupid circus. I took my stupid blue balloon and threw it on the ground and started stomping on it until it popped. I screamed, I cried, I waved my arms. “Shit!” I yelled over and over again, as if saying it once gave me the entitlement to say it whenever I felt like it. The more I yelled, the better it felt.
Everyone was staring at me. Nobody said a word, just looked at me with sad eyes like I was an animal in a cage, too stupid to be responsible for my actions. I knew why they were looking at me like that, but it didn’t make it any better.
“Knock it off, Jude!” Isaac said, looking like he was about to cry himself. “You’re ruining everything.” I knew at this very instant in my seven-year-old mind that he was not my brother anymore. He was one of them. I was all alone in the world. He wasn’t just ‘making best of the situation’ like the therapist lady told us. He was all in. The twin brother I grew up with was as dead to me as my parents were.
I took off running, running as hard as my little legs could carry me. I’d always bee
She looked at me and cocked her head to the side, blinking her beady little chicken eyes right at me. I don’t know why, but I felt towards that chicken what I thought my mom and dad had felt toward me. She didn’t look like she was scared of me, she wasn’t angry at me like my brother was, or confused by me like everyone else in the world had become. The way she squawked just a little bit and bobbed her beak at me, I knew she liked me. I knew I loved her.
“Hey, little chickie,” I said. I didn’t know how to talk to chickens. I didn’t know the first thing about ’em except that I liked ’em covered in barbecue sauce. “What are you doing, girl?” Only a little ray of light shined through the crack in the coop, but I saw what she was doing clear as day. She stood up and underneath her was an egg. “Wow,” I said, whispering to her softly. “Is that your baby?”
She blinked at me, knowingly, and sat back down on her nest. I curled up in the straw, and even though I was just a kid, it wasn’t really a comfortable fit for me in the little coop, my head nearly hitting the wood ceiling as I rested by back up against the wall. It smelled pretty bad in here, and it wasn’t really comfortable, but I felt like this was where I wanted to be. This was where I belonged. She clucked contentedly, and I just shrugged, closing my eyes and falling asleep next to my new friend.
3
Judas
“She’s not laying eggs anymore, boy,” my uncle Pete said. “You think we keep these things for our health? How do you think we put food on the table, son?”
I wasn’t doing too good adjusting to living on the farm. I didn’t like having my own bedroom. It just reminded me more and more how alone I was in the world. Isaac was having the time of his life, acting like my cousins were his true kin, and I spent most of my time that summer hanging out with the animals, watching and feeding the chickens, making sure their eggs got picked up before the other animals could get into them, helping Aunt Millie brush the horses, and chasing the goats around. I heard what the kids said about me, calling me chicken boy, calling Goldie my girlfriend and making kissing noises at me whenever they saw me.
I just told them to fuck off. I liked the way it sounded.
I was ready for school to start in the fall. At least I could be near my friends again.
All the adults around me were treating me weird, too. I had to go to therapy all the time. Nobody told me no anymore. Everyone acted like they were partly scared of me and partly sad about me, and I was learning to use that power to get what I wanted. That’s what happens when both your parents get murdered in a shooting at the factory.
Uncle Pete wasn’t budging, though.
“You can’t kill her,” I said. “Look at that pretty face.” I picked up Goldie in my arms. She didn’t like it, kicking her claws all around and pecking at me. “This is for your own good, pretty. Be nice.”
“Put her down, Judas,” he said, his tone irate. “She don’t like that. Now you got her all riled up. Put her in the pen with the others.”
“Is it time yet, Paw Paw?” my cousin Burt shouted from across the field, his face bright red from running. Isaac was right behind him, along with Cindy and Sarah, the older girls who tortured me the most out of all of ’em.
“Almost, son,” Uncle Pete said, grabbing Goldie from my arms in one swift tug, squeezing her around the neck.
“Stop it!” I screamed. I wanted to punch him, but I knew that was a fight I’d never win. Uncle Pete was the size of an oak tree, and I’d seen him put the whooping on Burt before. The only thing I could hope was that Goldie could outsmart him. I knew she had it in her. He wasn’t exactly the brightest man. “Flap your wings, Goldie! You can do it!” There was no use to my pleas. He took her and tossed her over his shoulder into the pen with the rest of the chickens he was going to slaughter.
“Come on, Paw,” Cindy teased, “let him have one last date with his girlfriend.” The kids started to laugh and point at me. Isaac and Burt got in the pen with the now-panicking chickens, who were gibbering and squawking and flapping wildly.
“Just like I showed you guys,” Uncle Pete said. I watched through my fingers as the boys picked two birds up by their claws and flipped ’em upside down. Uncle Pete took his knife, making slits on the sides of their throats as more blood than I’d ever seen in my whole life started shooting out everywhere.
“Sick!” Isaac shouted, tossing the dying bird to the ground as it flopped all around in its blood.
Sick is what I was. I didn’t even realize I was throwing up down the front of my shirt until Sarah pointed it out. “What’s wrong, little precious boy? You forget where chicken nuggets come from?”
I knew I wasn’t supposed to put my hands on girls, so instead I started running to the house.
“Aw, come on, Judas!” Isaac taunted behind me. I looked over my shoulder and he had Goldie by the feet, whipping her around in the air like a yo-yo on a string. The sound was the second most horrible thing I’d heard in my life up until that point. Just a little bit less bad than the sound of the police officer explaining that my parents were never coming home from the factory. I knew one thing was for certain. I was never eating meat ever again.
4
Judas
We had to wake up at 4:00 a.m. to get all our chores done and get on the school bus on time. Even though Aunt Millie had spent the last two weeks making us get up extra early for practice, I couldn’t keep my eyes open on the ride to school.
We were the first group of kids picked up, and for the next hour, the bus bumped through the back roads, tossing my breakfast around inside my stomach. I closed my eyes and imagined what life would be like if Mom and Dad were still around. I’d still be in my warm bed, Isaac sleeping on the top bunk. Dad would come in and flick the lights on and off and make silly foghorn sounds while we grumbled. He’d help us get cleaned and dressed and Mom would have my favorite waffles ready when we finally came downstairs.
Here at the farm, we had to take care of ourselves in the morning. Ourselves and the animals. All the poor animals who didn’t know they were just here to keep my cousins fat. I made it my goal to at least give them the best life possible while they were here. That, and to never eat them, even though everyone teased me constantly and even called me ungrateful.
Just one more thing that drove Isaac and I further apart. Every time my aunt made chicken for dinner, he’d ask if it was Goldie or just one of her kids while he stared at me and laughed. I didn’t break in front of him anymore, just stared at him as hard as I could, wishing my eyes were filled with laser beams and I could blow his head off with my thoughts alone.
At least at school I could be around my friends again. They didn’t call me ‘chicken lover.’ They had no way of knowing what happened over the summer. We could play stick hockey and ride bikes just like we did back in the good old days. Back before the shooting.
As I snoozed away on the bus, hugging my backpack to my chest, I awoke to the worst smell I’d ever smelled in my life. I blinked my eyes open, the bus nearly filled to the brim with kids all around, some I knew, and some who were much older than me.
“Wake up, chicken kisser!” my cousin Burt shouted as he smashed the hard-boiled egg into my mouth before I even saw it coming. “Hey everybody! This guy wants to marry a chicken!”
