The First Step, page 23
“Fuck you.” He meant it only in the nicest way, of course. He knew Reed was trying to keep his mind off what was about to happen.
Carol chuckled. “This is going to hurt.”
As if he had any doubt! “Just fucking do it.”
Reed brushed his fingertips over Justin’s forehead and smiled down at him.
Okay, so he wouldn’t strangle Reed later. “Do it.”
“I need you to hold on to the edge of the dock with your right hand. I’m going to pull your arm, and I need you to pull against me,” Carol said.
Justin nodded and tried not to imagine what this was going to feel like. He reached out with his good arm and wrapped his fingers around the edge of the dock.
“Now I’m going to pull.” Carol met his gaze and nodded.
“Yep.”
Justin braced himself against the dock and waited for Carol to yank his arm. She didn’t. Instead, she began to slowly pull his right arm away from his body. “Oh fuck.”
“So after all this is over,” Reed said as Carol kept pulling, “are we going to get some seafood?”
Dinner? The guy was thinking about dinner while he was—“Fucking hell!”
“Probably a pipe dream.” Reed’s eyes momentarily registered concern; then he flashed his charming smile at Justin. “I’m sure nobody’s going to be pulling anything out of the water here for some time. Unless someone wants to fillet a few of those big boys floating belly-up in the river.”
All the while, Carol continued to pull on Justin’s arm.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, that hurts! “You’re not serious, are you?”
“Nope.” Reed grinned and met his gaze.
“So how’s it feel now?” Carol asked.
Justin hadn’t even noticed that the pain had subsided. His arm still ached, but the worst of it was done. “Better. I think I….” Sounds became muffled and the world grew dark.
“WAKE UP, sleeping beauty.”
Justin opened his eyes to find Reed gazing down at him with such a loving expression that Justin had to take a few deep breaths to keep himself from bursting into tears. Why the hell are you such a mess? He needed to keep his shit together.
“I fell asleep?” Justin looked out the window of the cruiser and realized he was back at his house.
“More like you passed out after Carol got your shoulder back where it belonged,” Reed said. “Jesse and I carried you to the car.”
“Jesse?”
“That would be me.” Jesse smiled.
“What happened to Tammy and her family?” Justin asked.
“EMS treated them and Carl took them to a shelter.” Jesse and Reed helped Justin out of the cruiser. “Took us nearly two hours to get here.”
“Thanks for the lift.” Justin yawned. “What time is it?”
“Almost nine,” Reed said.
“Shit. Poor Leila’s going to explode.” He kicked himself for not having thought about her when he’d dashed off.
“We’ll take care of her,” Jesse put in. “We’re getting you settled in first.”
There was still no power at the house, so after Jesse left and Reed walked and fed Leila, Reed made them sandwiches for dinner.
“Ham and swiss never felt so decadent.” Justin felt a hell of a lot better, although he winced when he forgot about his shoulder and moved the wrong way. He stood to clear the table and Reed glared at him.
“You aren’t doing anything but sleep tonight. Doctor’s orders.”
“Doctor?” Justin didn’t remember one.
“Dr. Barfield.” Reed tapped his chest.
“Since when’re you a doctor?”
“Since I convinced Jesse I’d take care of you and he didn’t need to take you to the ER.” Reed stood and gathered the dishes.
“Oh.” Justin’s entire body ached.
“Shower next, then bed,” Reed announced. “And the shower won’t be alone.”
“It won’t?” Justin raised his eyebrows and tried to keep a straight face. It wasn’t exactly what he’d had in mind when he’d imagined showering together earlier, but he’d at least enjoy the view.
“Nope. We don’t want you passing out again.”
“Of course not.”
“You might enjoy having me take care of you, you know.” Reed looked at Justin over his shoulder and grinned. “Think you can handle it?”
“Yep.” So long as Reed was helping, he was pretty sure he could handle anything.
Chapter Forty-Two
THE NEXT day, after first getting his own generator running, with Reed’s help, Justin managed to get his neighbor’s ancient generator started. The project took them took longer than it should have because Reed had to keep reminding Justin that he shouldn’t be using his arm and Justin, stubborn man that he was, kept telling Reed he was fine.
“I’m half tempted to lock him in the house,” Reed told Leila after Justin insisted they take care of the damage to the house—a broken window in the guest bedroom, a downed tree in the backyard, and a few busted shingles on the roof. Leila wagged her tail in agreement, but Justin was unmoved.
“I’m fine,” Justin growled for the sixth time that afternoon. “Stop treating me like I’m some delicate flower.”
“More like Mr. Grumpy Pants.” Reed grinned as Justin rolled his eyes in mock disgust.
Reed had been dreading speaking to Cal so much so that he was disappointed when, four days after the storm, he turned on his cell after lunch and realized he had a signal.
“I’ve got everything done,” Reed told Cal after he’d answered more questions about the storm than he could count. “I’ll get it emailed to you this afternoon.”
“Good,” Cal said brightly. “Then it’s time to come home. I’ll have my assistant book your return ticket as soon as the airport reopens.”
“I’m still working on the pilot piece.” Reed knew that would get him nowhere.
“Whatever you haven’t written, you can finish in your office. Remember your office?”
“I still think it would be better if—”
“For someone who fought me tooth and nail about handling a soft story, you sure seem to like working down there.” Cal laughed. “Besides, I’ve got good news for you.”
“Yeah? What’s that?”
“You’re on the beat starting next week. You’ll be back in time to cover the lead-up to the midterms.”
“That’s great news. Thanks, Cal.”
“Curb your enthusiasm, would you?”
“Sorry. It’s been a long week. That’s great news.” Reed hoped he sounded sincere.
“We’ll talk more when you get back.”
“Sounds good. Thanks. I really appreciate it.” Reed disconnected the call and stared at his phone. There was a time when he’d thought of nothing else but getting back to his old job, but now he felt numb.
Justin leaned over and kissed Reed on the neck. “I got the backyard cleaned up. You up for some dinner?”
“Dinner?”
“It’s nearly eight. Aren’t you hungry?”
“Sure.” Reed stared at his phone.
“What’s up?” Justin asked.
“Up? Nothing.”
“Bullshit. You’re looking at your phone like it’s going to swallow you whole.”
Reed took a deep breath. “I have to leave.”
“No problem. We can do dinner later if you need to work on something.”
“No.” Reed stood and turned to face Justin. “I mean leave North Carolina. They’re giving me back the political beat.”
“Oh.” Justin pressed his lips together. “That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it?”
“Yes. I guess so.” The warm sensation he’d felt joking around with Justin before was gone, leaving behind an empty hole.
“Congratulations.”
“Listen, Justin, I—”
“It’s all good.” Justin’s smile didn’t reach his eyes. “We knew this was coming, right?”
“Right.” So why do I feel like I’ve just been t-boned by a semi?
“When do you leave?”
“Two, maybe three days. As soon as they can book me a flight home.” Reed tossed his phone on the couch and wrapped his arms around Justin’s waist.
“So that gives us a little more time, right?” Justin’s voice sounded overly bright.
“Right.”
“Spend it with me at the beach?” Justin asked. “Unless you have to work, of course. I wouldn’t want to—”
“I can’t think of anything better.” Reed leaned in and brushed his lips against Justin’s. Justin sighed and pulled him closer. Like this, Reed could almost forget that they only had a few days left to spend together. Almost.
TWO DAYS later Reed sat on Justin’s front porch, watching the sunrise. The house still didn’t have any power, but he’d gotten used to the constant humidity. He’d also gotten used to nights making love and waking up to Justin next to him.
“Hey.” Justin wrapped his good arm over Reed’s chest. “Role reversal?”
“If by that you mean I’m sitting here angsting over something I can’t control? Yeah. Probably.” He leaned back against Justin’s shoulder and sighed.
“Any news about the hurricane article?”
“It’s going to run in the Sunday magazine.” Reed hadn’t finished the pilot piece yet, but Cal had been talking about running that on consecutive Sundays in early winter, so there wasn’t as big a rush to get the edits done.
“Breakfast?”
Reed glanced at his watch. “No time. My flight’s at seven forty-five, and the roads are still bad.” He kissed Justin’s hand and stood. He turned around and hugged Justin, careful not to press too hard on his left shoulder. “What’re you up to today?”
The words sounded too casual, almost flippant, as if he didn’t care that he was leaving Justin. As if he believed looking forward was the only option. Which was total bullshit, because he didn’t want to leave. Not now. Not ever. He’d always known he’d be going back to New York, but now all he wanted was for Justin to ask him to stay.
“I’ll try to get into town, check on the boat. Maybe move her back to her usual slip.”
Reed frowned. “You sure you can handle that with your shoulder?”
“Kerry said she’d help when I was ready.”
“Oh.” Reed rubbed the back of his neck. He imagined himself helping Justin move the boat, maybe spending the day on the water before bringing her home.
“It’s okay, you know.” Justin’s voice brought Reed back to himself.
“What’s okay?”
“Wanting to go back to the job you love. Hell knows you worked hard enough to get where you are.”
“I guess you’re right.” So why couldn’t he remember why he’d loved the political beat so much? Looking back on things, the job seemed a little like a cop-out, a way to avoid dealing with the loneliness of his life. “But I’m going to miss this place.”
“I’m going to miss you.” Justin spoke the words Reed couldn’t bring himself to say.
“Seems strange to say it, but my time here… even with the hurricane… it’s been… really good.” So much for using my words. He’d wanted to say so much more, but he couldn’t manage it. Not now. If he did, he’d lose it.
Time to go. He was dragging things out, and that wasn’t good for either of them. Justin could take care of himself. He always could, even if Reed liked the idea that he’d gotten used to leaning on him a little. “I’d better go.”
“Need help with your bags?” Justin asked.
“Already in the trunk of my rental.” He’d known Justin would insist on helping, and the last thing he wanted was for him to reinjure his shoulder.
“Oh.”
Reed inhaled a long, slow breath. “Take care of yourself, okay? Don’t overdo things.”
“I will. Promise.”
Reed doubted it, but what could he do? “Let me know what the ortho guy says next week.”
“Will do.” Justin stared briefly at the floor.
“Hey. I’ll be in touch. Promise.” Whatever that meant. Call me. We’ll do lunch. Total bullshit. How to make it sound like it’s not really goodbye when you both know it is.
“Reed….” Justin rubbed the back of his neck and didn’t meet Reed’s gaze. “If you ever… I mean, if you’re stopping through, you’re always welcome.”
“Thanks.” Worse than awkward. Reed’s stomach clenched, and he thanked God he hadn’t eaten anything yet.
“Good.” Justin’s smile was forced. He probably knew that would never happen. They both did.
Reed didn’t want to talk anymore. Instead, he reached for Justin’s face and leaned in to give him a kiss. Sweet, even chaste, but it communicated everything he couldn’t in that moment.
A minute later he was in his car and pulling away from Justin’s house. Leila, who’d been sleeping in the living room, stood with two paws on the windowsill and barked. Justin waved.
Done. It’s done. He felt like shit.
Reed pulled into the rental car lot an hour and a half later. The roads were better than they’d been, but there was debris piled all along the way, and many of the houses were partially covered in blue tarps. On the bright side, parts of the city now had power in some areas, and an army of trucks, some from neighboring states, were working on the rest.
“Headed home?” the rental car attendant asked.
“Yep.” He didn’t feel like small talk.
“Everything work okay for you?”
“Yep.” He half chuckled, half sighed when he realized he sounded exactly like Justin.
He dragged his suitcase and laptop back over to the terminal, made his way through precheck at security in a few minutes, and settled onto a chair near the gate. Outside, the clouds had begun to clear and the trees swayed in the distance.
JUSTIN OPENED the hatches. The boat smelled stale and slightly moldy, but no more than usual when it sat for a long time, unused. The river, on the other hand, smelled like wet cardboard and worse. Dead fish and other debris floated in the corners of the slip. They’d pulled the sunken sailboat from the river a few days before, and the power was back on at the marina.
Kerry’d been too busy cleaning up her own place to help him put the sails back on. He wasn’t sure if he’d take her out by himself or if he’d just spend the day catching up on boating magazines and sail her back the next day. Neither option sounded very good. Since Reed had left that morning, he hadn’t really wanted to do anything. He’d hoped being near the water would help, but so far it hadn’t done a damn thing.
What did you expect? You just let the best thing that’s ever happened to you slip through your fingers. He ignored the voice telling him he didn’t deserve Reed anyhow. If he’d learned anything having Reed around, it was that imperfect as he was, he was worthy of better than what he’d lived through as a kid.
He headed into the cabin to retrieve the magazines, and something on the galley countertop caught his eye—a postcard of a sunset over Wrightsville Beach. He hadn’t noticed it there before, and he didn’t recall buying it. He turned the card over and saw something written on the back. A note, in Reed’s handwriting.
Justin—
Call me a coward. I deserve it. I was sure I’d do a lousy job of saying goodbye, so I figured I’d let my words do the work for me.
I came to North Carolina because I had to. I’d spent so many years focusing on my work that I hated the idea of being away from New York and my job. But spending time here with you reminded me that I’d lost my focus. It isn’t that I’d forgotten what mattered. I’d never realized what mattered.
I fell in love with this place. I fell in love with you, even though I never got up the nerve to tell you.
Be happy. Stay strong. Hug Marty and Kerry for me.
—Reed
“Shit.” Justin wiped away tears. He’d been just as much a coward. He’d wanted Reed to stay, but he hadn’t asked him. Reed would have turned him down, and he couldn’t handle the rejection. Not to mention if Reed accepted, he’d have to level with his coworkers and face the consequences there. But now that Reed was gone, that seemed like a small thing in comparison to the ache of loneliness.
He sat heavily on the bench and glanced at the clock on the instrument panel—8:00 a.m. Reed was on his way back to New York.
He picked up a boat magazine and paged through it. He skimmed an article about engine maintenance, passed up an article about refinishing exterior wood, and finally settled on an article about the Exumas, a chain of small islands in the Bahamas. Sun, sand, surf, scuba.
Fuck this. Sitting here would make him crazy. He needed to be out on the water. He needed to sail.
He set the magazine on the settee and opened the door to one of the guest cabins. The entire space was filled with the mainsail. It had taken him the better part of an afternoon to wrangle the thing inside. Getting it out would be more of a challenge, especially with one arm in a sling.
He slipped the sling over his head and tossed it aside, then tugged on the enormous bag that held the sail. His shoulder ached, but he could handle that. Once he got the sail outside, he’d figure out a way to rig a pulley system to move it to the proper place on the boat.
“Need a little help with that?”
Justin turned and stared at Reed, who was standing on the bottom step, just a foot away. His heart felt like it might explode. He fought the urge to grab Reed and hold him so he couldn’t ever leave again. “You’re here?” Brilliant. He’s standing right in front of you, idiot!
“Yep.” Reed grinned. “And you”—he pointed to Justin’s left arm—“aren’t supposed to be using that arm.”
“Right.”
“Right?” Reed shook his head. “That’s the best you can do?”
“Nope.” Justin grabbed Reed and pulled him close, then kissed him. It scared the shit out of him how good it felt to hold Reed. He didn’t want to hope that Reed was back for good, but he couldn’t help but believe that was possible.
Reed ran a hand through Justin’s hair when the kiss ended and pressed his cheek against Justin’s. Justin sighed, and they stood like that for a few minutes, simply holding each other.
