The Women of Mulberry Lane, page 9
‘Not especially,’ Gran sighed. ‘Death is part of life, my love. Some people like me have a long life, others are much too short. Don’t you think I’d gladly have given mine if I could’ve saved your brother?’ Gran looked drawn and grey; her eyes red-rimmed from weeping.
‘Yes, I know you would, but I don’t want to lose you either, Gran…’ Shirley gave a little sob. ‘I think Mum blames me. She never smiles or sings any more and I can see she’s been crying when she comes down in the mornings.’
‘Your mother is grieving, Shirley. Losing a child is a terrible thing for a mother. I know you feel it just as much – but your mum can’t think straight at the moment. We’ve got to be patient and kind and give her time to be herself again.’
‘Oh, Gran, I do love you so!’ Shirley ran to her and sobbed in her arms, her whole body shaking with the force of her grief.
‘I love you, child,’ Gran said and stroked her hair. She took hold of her gently by the arms and looked into her face. ‘Will you take a message round to Peggy for me? I think it might do Maureen good to see her friends again, but I can’t get her to leave the house. If Peggy asked for her she might go…’
Shirley nodded and put her coat on. She took Gran’s note and ran all the way to the pub on the corner. When she was invited into the large warm kitchen, she saw the doctor was there and he was looking in Fay’s ears.
‘I’m afraid these childhood illnesses do this sometimes,’ he told Fay’s mother. ‘It may be only temporary…’
Shirley saw the distress in Peggy’s face and was about to go away when Peggy turned and saw her. Tears were trickling down Shirley’s cheeks and Peggy’s expression turned to one of concern.
‘What’s wrong, Shirley love? Is it your Gran?’
Shirley shook her head. ‘Me and Robin had the chickenpox,’ she sobbed. ‘I got better, but Robin died and Mum’s hurtin’ bad. Gran told me to tell you – but you’ve got your own troubles…’
‘Fay’s hearing has been affected,’ Peggy told her and took her hand, leading her to where Nellie was slicing cake and pouring tea. ‘My two and Janet’s daughter Maggie all went down with it. Freddie had it lightly and so did Maggie, but Fay was very ill… that’s why I hadn’t heard about your troubles. I’ve hardly had time to do my own work and I’ve relied on Anne and Nellie for everything. I’m so very sorry, Shirley. I’ll pop round and see Maureen later.’
‘I shall make an appointment at the hospital for you, Mrs Ashley,’ the doctor was washing his hands at the sink and wiping them on the clean towel Nellie had given him. ‘It was lucky you noticed that Fay wasn’t responding to your voice. I’m not sure if they can do much for her, but you never know – and I’d feel happier if a specialist examined her. I can only surmise that the sickness is the cause of her hearing loss, though that is more common with measles – but they will do tests and discover how bad it is…’
‘Thank you – and thank you for coming. I know how busy you must have been all over Christmas…’
He nodded. ‘I’m fortunate that my wife understands and kept my dinner warm.’ He glanced at Shirley, who had been offered a piece of jam sponge by Nellie, and lowered his voice. ‘We’ve lost half a dozen little ones in the lanes, none of them over six. If Fay’s problem is all you have to worry about, Mrs Ashley, you may think yourself lucky.’
Peggy’s expression didn’t change, but Shirley thought her eyes went darker. Obviously, she didn’t think Fay’s deafness was a minor problem. Shirley accepted her cake and nibbled at it, though she wasn’t hungry.
Peggy read Gran’s note and looked at Nellie. ‘Can you cope if I go round to Maureen’s for an hour? I know it’s asking a lot…’
‘My time is yours,’ Nellie said and smiled at her. ‘We all need to help each other at times like this… If I know Maureen, she’ll be inconsolable.’
‘Yes, she will, and who can blame her?’ Peggy shuddered and bent to kiss her daughter’s head. ‘Mummy won’t be long, darling. Play nicely with your toys if you feel like it…’
‘If she seems tired I’ll put her to bed,’ Nellie said. Janet and Ryan had taken Maggie and Freddie out in his car, because Fay had been fretting and Peggy had instinctively known that something was upsetting her daughter.
She slipped on her warm coat, because it was cold out and followed Shirley from the cold kitchen. ‘Are you better now, Shirley?’
‘Yes, thank you, Aunty Peggy,’ Shirley said. ‘I kept cryin’ because it was me that gave Robin the chickenpox, but Richard says his dad told him it was the will of God…’ She tipped her head up to look at Peggy. ‘Why did God want Richard’s sister and our Robin to die?’
Peggy looked down at her and Shirley saw she was upset and struggling to answer. ‘I think the vicar would tell you that God takes those he loves best to be with him – but I think that’s a load of rot. I don’t think God wills them to die – I just think these horrible illnesses come and some people aren’t as strong as others and they die.’
‘Don’t you believe in God, Aunty Peggy?’
‘Not very much. I try, but sometimes it’s hard to understand why He would let the things happen that hurt us…’
‘I don’t think I do either,’ Shirley said. ‘My mum doesn’t deserve to be hurt like this; she’s never hurt anyone.’
Peggy reached out and put an arm on her shoulder. ‘Perhaps there’s a reason why we have to suffer and if we try to believe things might get better…’
‘Dad says I should pray and say thank you for all we have every night…’
‘Maybe he’s right,’ Peggy said and looked thoughtful. ‘After all, your dad came back, and he’s got better, hasn’t he? Lots of children have lost their dads. It’s a bit too complicated for you and me to work out, Shirley.’
‘Yes…’ Shirley smiled at her. ‘Thank you for being honest with me, Aunty Peggy. I’m not a kid any more and I need to understand.’
‘I wish I did,’ Peggy said. ‘My son Pip has been wounded. He might not be able to fly again, but he is alive – and so I think perhaps we’re blessed despite the other things that keep happenin’.’
Shirley nodded. It was all too much for her to understand. Robin had been her brother and she’d adored him and his death had made a big hole in her heart and her life. She still didn’t understand but talking to Peggy had helped a little. Her friend Richard was suffering too. His mum was blaming him for bringing the sickness home, but Shirley’s mum wasn’t blaming her – she was just too unhappy to notice that Shirley was in as much grief and pain as she was.
7
Gran took Shirley into what had been the parlour and was now her bedroom, leaving Maureen and Peggy to talk alone in the kitchen. Little Gordon was lying in his cot close to the window, waving his arms and legs at them and making faces that might have been wind or a smile.
‘Why don’t you give him a cuddle, love?’ Gran asked.
Shirley shook her head, looking anxious. ‘I might give him something nasty…’
‘No, you won’t,’ Gran told her and caught her hand. ‘Now listen to me, my love. You caught the chickenpox and so did Robin – but you’re not carrying a terrible disease. You won’t make your brother ill just by giving him a kiss…’
Shirley looked at her, nodded, giving her an uncertain smile, and then went to the cot, bending over to coo at him, but when he waved his hands at her, she shook her head. ‘I’m afraid of hurting him,’ she said. ‘Mum would never forgive me if he died too…’
‘Little Gordon isn’t going to die because you touch him,’ Gran told her gently. ‘What happened was terrible, but it was just fate. You didn’t have anything to do with it. Robin played with Cathy next door sometimes. He might have got it from her and given it to you… and not the other way round. It really wasn’t your fault.’
Shirley looked at her and smiled, tears on her cheeks. She was still uncertain as she bent over her brother and then tentatively touched one of his chubby legs. He chortled with pleasure and she stroked his face and then very carefully lifted him out and sat on the bed with him on her lap. Little Gordon made bubbling sounds and looked delighted with her. Shirley glanced at Gran and Gran nodded.
‘He looks a bit like Robin…’
‘Yes, well, he has the same mother. You mustn’t stop loving him, Shirley. He needs you and it wasn’t his fault that Robin was lost… Your mum needs to learn that lesson. She seems to have cut herself off from us all at the moment. I just hope Peggy can get through to her… because she needs to shake out of that black hole she’s landed in…’
*
‘I can’t tell you how sad I am, love,’ Peggy said as she embraced her friend. ‘That is the worst thing that can ever happen – even worse than losing a husband…’
Maureen dabbed at her cheeks. ‘I can’t stop cryin’,’ she said and gulped back the sobs. ‘I know I have to – I have the others to think of, but I just keep remembering the way he looked up at me, silently begging me to help him and I couldn’t… He was so small and vulnerable, Peggy, and I couldn’t make him better. I keep thinking I must have done something wrong…’
‘No, Maureen. You did nothing wrong. It was just that Robin took the sickness badly.’ Peggy shook her head and kept an arm firmly round her shoulders. ‘My two were ill, but thankfully they’ve come through – but Fay may be deaf. I knew the measles could do that, but I didn’t think the chickenpox could – and I did everything the doctor said…’ She sniffed and cuffed a tear from her cheek. ‘Still, it’s nothing compared to what you’ve had to suffer – but don’t make it worse, don’t think you could have done more. I know how much you loved that little angel.’
‘Oh Peggy,’ Maureen said and hugged her. ‘I’ve been so lucky with everything – but I’d give up the shops to have Robin back…’
‘I know,’ Peggy said. ‘Any mother would feel bad over such a loss. I’m feeling guilty because Fay can’t hear properly – wondering what I didn’t do or should have done differently…’
‘As if you didn’t have enough on your plate – what with Laurie wanting a separation and Pip being wounded…’
Peggy scowled, eyes flashing. ‘Laurie can take a running jump,’ she said savagely. ‘I was willing to help him for as long as it took – but that letter… I can’t think what made him write it…’ She looked thoughtful. ‘If it was even his idea…’
‘What do you mean?’
‘A nurse wrote it for him… and I know Laurie, even in a sickbed he knows how to charm. Janet had a couple of foul letters from one of Mike’s nurses who had a crush on him when he was in hospital… Anyway, Laurie is the least of my problems,’ Peggy said. She looked at Maureen. ‘I know it’s a stupid question – but is there anything I can do?’
‘Thank you but…’ Maureen gave her a watery smile. ‘Gordon has arranged everything – the… the service will be next Thursday. They couldn’t do it before…’ She choked back a sob. ‘I couldn’t face it, Peggy. He looks so small and beautiful in his cot – just as if he’ll wake up and start laughing…’
‘I know, love, I know,’ Peggy said, but of course she didn’t really. Her family were all still living. When she’d said something similar to Janet after Mike died, her daughter had flared at her and told her she couldn’t know how it felt, but Maureen muttered something about being grateful and held tight to her hand.
After several cups of tea, Peggy left her friend. Maureen thanked her and said she was feeling better, but Peggy knew it would take many months before Maureen could truly feel easier. Nothing her friend had been through previously could come close to the pain she felt now. She would see Robin’s face in her mind over and over again until it was there whether she was waking or sleeping – and there was nothing anyone could do to help her. Only her own strength would get her through this terrible grief.
Shirley had looked at her wanly as she left and on impulse Peggy asked her to come round for tea whenever she wanted. Shirley nodded, but looked over her shoulder at Maureen.
The sadness of their home was oppressive. For a while it had driven the worry about Fay’s deafness and Pip’s wounds from Peggy’s mind, but as she walked into the kitchen in time to see Fay scream and throw a mug full of milk at Nellie, her own worries returned.
She took hold of her daughter and turned her to look at her. ‘Naughty girl, Fay,’ she said. ‘Mummy knows you’re upset because you can’t hear, but you must not throw things at Nellie or anyone else.’
‘She’s upset and anxious,’ Nellie said calmly and mopped up the spilled milk. ‘Don’t worry about me, Peggy. It’s not the poor child’s fault.’
‘She has to learn,’ Peggy said, because she knew that it wouldn’t do to give into Fay now. If she was profoundly deaf then she would need to work harder to learn things than her twin, and that meant everything would be twice as difficult for them all, because Fay would resent it…
*
‘I feel awful now,’ Janet said to Ryan when they learned what the doctor had said about Fay’s deafness. ‘She was so naughty, I thought it was something bad in her, but if she couldn’t hear…’
‘But you’re supposing she always had a problem?’ Ryan arched his brows and rubbed the side of his nose, lifting his spectacles.
‘I think that may be why she has been so difficult lately – and it started months ago, soon after I brought Maggie back to London. We all thought the two of them were jealous of each other, but now I’m wondering…’
‘If Fay has always been a bit deaf it might explain her sudden rages. She was jealous of her twin and Maggie and if she couldn’t hear what they said she may have felt shut out…’
‘Yes, that sounds reasonable to me,’ Janet said. ‘The illness may have made it worse, but I have a feeling that perhaps she always had a hearing problem.’
‘Your mother has a lot to cope with,’ Ryan said. ‘How will she manage when you marry me and move into our home?’
‘She’ll manage, Mum always does,’ Janet said but felt a bit guilty over deserting her mother again. ‘She needs someone full-time in the bar. Fay is going to take most of her time, and Freddie needs her too – and then there is Pip. He’ll need some sortin’ out… though he has Sheila, of course.’
‘You’re not changing your mind about the wedding?’
‘No, definitely not,’ Janet said and reached up to kiss him. ‘I was going to ask if Mum could have Maggie this weekend while we go down to your uncle’s house and choose our furniture, but I think that would be too much to expect…’ They’d had to put back their visit because of the children being ill, but now Janet was eager to go.
‘We’ll take Maggie with us,’ Ryan said. ‘My uncle’s housekeeper is still keeping the place right for me. She will look after Maggie if we have to go out anywhere – besides, I’m very fond of Maggie. You know I always thought a lot of her and now she’s mine… my little girl.’ He was so sincere and Janet knew he meant it. She supposed Maggie had begun to fill the space inside Ryan that the death of his sons had created, and she kissed him, her heart going out to him, because she hadn’t forgotten how much he’d suffered too. Janet wasn’t the only one in this relationship who had known grief and loss.
She was a bit nervous of telling her mother she would be away for the weekend, but Peggy didn’t seem to mind.
‘Irene from the hairdressers is coming round to help me on Saturday afternoon and Sunday,’ Peggy said. ‘She’s saving up for a new spring costume she’s seen, and some good shoes, and told me she is willing to do whatever I need, evenings and weekends.’
‘Irene is a nice girl and Freddie likes her – not as much as he likes Rose.’
‘I’ve put a card in the window advertising for a barman,’ Peggy said. ‘I probably won’t get one under the age of seventy, but even that would be a help… it’s mainly the barrels I can’t manage alone.’
Janet smiled wryly. ‘The last barman you employed was more trouble than he was worth…’ She shook her head. ‘How long are you going to struggle on here alone, Mum?’
‘It’s my living for the moment…’ Peggy hesitated, then, ‘You will be all right, married to Ryan – he’ll look after you and Maggie – but Sheila and Pip need a home. I’ve wondered if I should offer them the pub… let them take over gradually.’
‘What would you do?’ Janet stared at her in surprise.
‘If I could get the lease for Pip and Sheila they would have a home and a business. Her parents run a pub – that’s how she met Pip; they gravitated together because of their backgrounds. I know Pip wanted more – and perhaps he can find a job in the aircraft industry, but that won’t be for a couple of years yet. Once the war is over and things get goin’ on the commercial side… he might think of designing aeroplanes. The pub would be something stable for him in the background and Sheila could help run it, but they could employ a barmaid eventually…’
‘Yes, I suppose it might suit them,’ Janet said but looked doubtful. ‘What will you do?’
‘Enjoy some time to myself and then find a teashop I can run…’ Peggy shrugged. ‘I’m not goin’ to worry about it, Janet. Pip wouldn’t turn me out – and if he wanted, I’d give him a hand until he could manage for himself…’
‘I can’t see Pip wanting to stand behind the bar…’
‘Well, he’ll be home at the end of the month, so Sheila thinks. She wants to move in with me and help out…’
‘You haven’t got much room now…’ Janet looked thoughtful.
‘I know – and that’s why I wondered whether you would consider bringing your wedding forward a few weeks, love. I know you need to get your house ready, but if you were married, I could give them your rooms…’
Janet didn’t know whether to feel offended or laugh. ‘Well, it looks as if I’ve been worryin’ about leavin’ you for nothing,’ she said and smiled in relief. ‘We’re goin’ down to the country this weekend, Mum. Ryan says his uncle has a house filled with antiques, so I can take my pick and we’ll either sell the rest or give it away to folk who have lost everything.’
