Hayden, page 3
He left the room and Tracy wasn’t back yet. The beeping sound was gone, but I could still hear the light clicks of machines. I focused on what he asked before he left the room, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t remember my last name or how I got there.
“Hey, are you still awake?” a female voice asked.
I blinked my response. It wasn’t like she would be able to hear me talk even if I tried and the head nodding was wearing me out.
“Adam said he was on his way. He was waiting for Jack to get him because they both wanted to see you.”
I didn’t know who she was talking about and I wasn’t sure I cared. My life wasn’t mine in that moment and I had to be alright with them controlling everything for me. I couldn’t get up, move, or get away from all those strangers, so I would lay in silence and suffer my own kind of hell they couldn’t imagine.
I would have given anything to have an animal with me instead of all the people. I didn’t even know if I had an animal and if I did, where it was staying while they had me locked in there.
I felt tired, defeated, and a shell of a human. I wanted to sleep but was afraid I would miss something important that would help any of that make sense. It wasn’t like I could have slept with the constant yammering of the woman anyway. She felt she needed to tell me all the things about people I didn’t even know.
“Excuse me, Tracy?” another woman asked.
“Yes?” she replied and turned away from me.
“Do you know how to reach her family?”
My ears focused in on the conversation when that question was brought up. I wanted to know the answer of that too.
“She never talked about family, so I’m not sure if she has one or not. I think she does, but I don’t know their names or where they live.”
“Okay. Thank you. I thought I would ask anyway. The guy, Adam, said the same.” She didn’t say another word, so I figured she left the room.
How could I not have a family, and why didn’t I talk about them? This person sitting by my bed who seemed so concerned didn’t even know where I came from or if I had a mom, dad, or siblings?
I fought to stay awake, but my head hurt so bad and trying to make things go drained me of anything I had left. I drifted off and the noises of the room finally stopped.
CHAPTER SIX
“Thank God you are awake. You had us worried sick,” a large man said as he towered over my bed. He was wrapped around another man and they both had tears running down their faces.
I wasn’t sure who they were, but it looked like they knew who I was, and I didn’t want to look like a fool and ask. I waited until I heard one of them say a name and pretended to understand.
For his size, the larger of the two didn’t frighten me. He had a softness about him that made me feel safe even in my confusion. I wanted him to stay there with me until I knew what I was doing.
“They said you would be alright, but you might not remember much. You hit your head pretty hard. It might scar, but who cares. You are here with us,” the smaller man said. He was as gentle looking as the bigger guy, but he was clearly the one who held them up when things got bad.
“Jack, can you go get us some coffee? I think we should stay for a while.”
“Sure thing. Hang tight, Hayden. You’ll be fine in no time.”
I tried to follow him out of the room, but my head felt heavy and my eyes were so sore. Closing them, I prayed for the pain and dizziness to slow down.
My eye lids flew open when a hand settled on top of mine. His touch was warm, soft, and gentle, but he was a stranger and I wasn’t sure what our relationship was or how I knew him. Not wanting to hurt his feelings in case he was someone I cared for, I let him take my hand and hold it just above the bed.
“We will get you through this, honey. I promise. You have so many counting on you. Oscar hasn’t been the same and honestly, we are worried about him.” He tilted his head down when he talked about Oscar.
I wasn’t sure who he was. Something about it sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place a face to the name no matter how hard I tried. Thinking about it gave me a headache. I wanted to know everything all at once, but I couldn’t even talk to ask the questions I had. It was frustrating to know what I wanted to say but not be able to make a single sound.
“You look angry,” the man said and gave a quick laugh.
Frowning was the only thing I could do back, and I wasn’t even sure if my face matched what I thought it was doing.
“I know you have questions and as soon as they let you, you can ask me all of them and Jack and I will answer them. Tracy has been here a lot too. I know she is waiting for you to get better the same way we are.”
All I could do was stare blankly back at the man and wait for him to take a breath. I wasn’t sure if he was talking so much because that was what he did or because he was nervous to be around me alone. I couldn’t understand that either. He was the one who sent the shorter man away. If he didn’t want to be with me alone. Why would he have done that?
“There now. No tears. You will be better in no time. That scar will only add to your beauty too. So, no tears. We need you strong.”
The other man returned as he finished his request for me to stop crying. The sad part was, I didn’t know I had been.
“Jake, I have to use the bathroom quick. Can you?”
“Go, Adam. I will be right here with her.”
The bigger man leaned down and kissed Jack on the cheek before running from the room.
“Don’t mind him. This is hard for him. Not as hard as it is for you, but he cares about you. We all do. You had us worried, kiddo.”
His smile was weak at best and I wanted to make him feel better. I needed out of that bed and back home. None of it made sense and I wasn’t going to be able to make it work the way I was then.
“Look who I found outside,” the guy, Adam, said when he came back in. It wasn’t hard to see he had been crying.
I recognized her from earlier but couldn’t place her name. I tried so hard to remember it, but nothing came to me. Kathy? Katie? Amy? I couldn’t place it no matter what I tried. My only hope was one of them would say it and I could pretend to know her like I pretended I knew them.
“Hey, Hayden. I came back as soon as I could, but I wanted to give you a few minutes with Adam and Jack first,” the woman said.
“She hasn’t moved much, but she is awake and that is huge for what she went through,” Adam said.
I wished one of them would say what it was I went through because I was clueless. I was sick of the pity looks though and being tiptoed around like I was a child. I wanted all of this shit off of me, and I wanted out of there.
“Hey now,” the woman said moving closer to my bed. My eyes flew open to see what she was doing. “Don’t cry. We will get you through this and you will be back to normal things before you know it. Are you in pain?”
I was, but I wouldn’t tell her that even if I could have. None of them seemed to get what was going on with me anymore than I did and that was pissing me off too. I wanted them all to go so I could sleep. I was so tired, but all their constant probing and endless questions made that impossible.
“Come on, you two. We can check on her later. Right now, I think she needs to sleep.” The bigger of the two guys ushered them out and as he pushed them through the door, he doubled back to me.
“I know you are scared, honey, but this will get better and we will have the old you back. We love you.” He kissed my forehead before following the others. I saw them standing outside the door, and I caught the looks they gave each other. He told me what he wanted me to hear, they all did, but the faces told me what I needed to know. Whatever happened to me, it was worse than they let on. I wouldn’t have known; nothing before today came to me and even then, it was sketchy glimpses at best.
What I knew was it was bad, whatever happened. It was bad enough for them to all give the look that it was a miracle I was lying in that bed still.
I moved a little and pain seared through my whole left side. I wanted to scream out, but nothing happened. Anger, pain, and frustration leaked out of my eyes and dripped down my face. I let it even though it burned when it did. Feeling the pain told me I was still alive and that I had fight left in me to get out of that room and back to wherever I belonged.
I needed the tube out of my throat fast. I felt like there was someone I was missing, someone who was with me that day, but I couldn’t place who it was. I hoped they made it out better than I did.
I drifted off to sleep and peace took me.
“Come on, Oscar. Get it.”
I threw the frisbee in the air and my beautiful border collie leaped up to get it. I watched as he practically flew off the ground and reached it with ease before landing softly back on the ground.
“Good boy.”
He made his way back to me and I cradled him in my arms. His fur was so soft and smelled like a pina colada from the shampoo I used on him. He covered my face with kisses and waited for me to throw the toy for him again.
“Here,” I said laughing and tossed the toy for him.
It went higher than the last time and farther. I tried to stop him, but he was too fast. Before I could get the words out, he jumped, and the ground gave way to a black hole. With a whimper, I watched in horror as the Earth swallowed him up before closing on him.
“NO,” I screamed.
I woke up dripping in sweat with tears running down my face and disappearing into my hair. I didn’t know who the dog was, but I felt very connected to him. I wanted him there in person so I could feel the comfort I had in my dream, before it ended so cruelly.
CHAPTER SEVEN
“Well, you look better,” a dark-haired man said.
He was hovering over my bed and didn’t have the same look as the others. He was dressed in a button-down shirt and dress pants but had a long white coat over it all. His cologne smelt familiar to me too, but I couldn’t place it. It was a mix of sandalwood and leather.
His face was gentle even through the day-old scruff he had started on the lower half. His hair was messy, but it didn’t look bad. It was his eyes that got me though; they were a deep blue and when he looked at me, I felt relaxed again.
“You sure had us all worried for a long time, you know? Your friends have been here every day waiting for you to wake up. How are you feeling?”
He stood there and looked at me like he expected an answer. It wasn’t going to happen as long as they left that tube down my throat.
“I think we should take that thing out of your mouth. What do you think?”
He smiled at me as he reached up by the sink to grab out a pair of the blue nitrite gloves. With a fast snap, snap, he had them on and was making his way back over to the side of the bed.
“When I tell you to, I need you to blow out hard, okay?”
I tried to nod my head yes as hard as I could. I didn’t want him to think I wasn’t ready. I wanted that thing out so I could ask all the questions I had to anyone who would listen to me.
“Good. Okay, now blow.”
I did as he said but gagged the whole time he pulled. I wanted him to hurry and rip it out, but it felt like he was slowly removing it as a way to torment me.
Choking and coughing, the last of it was out. My throat hurt and as much as I wanted to swallow, that wasn’t happening either.
“You will be sore for a little while. That has been in you for a long time and now your throat will have to compensate for it. You’re getting stronger every day though, and I could see you leaving us in a few weeks at the rate you are going. I am going to start setting up physical therapy for you. I think it is time and I am sure you are anxious to get life back to as normal as you can.”
I couldn’t figure out why everyone kept saying that to me. What wouldn’t be normal about my life once I got out of there? I was still me and alive, what more could they expect from me?
“I know you have a lot of questions; I can see that clearly. I will answer them all for you in a few days. Right now, we need to work on getting you stronger. Getting the breathing tube out is a huge step. Be proud of that today. Tomorrow will have its own challenges for you.”
I didn’t know what he was talking about, but I would have done anything to get out of there.
“How is your pain level? Do you need more meds?”
I shook my head no as much as I could. I could have used more, but I was tired of feeling like I was walking around in a fog all the time. If I was going to get better and figure out what happened to me, I needed my head to clear up.
“Good. That means you are healing. A nurse will be in here in a few minutes to help me change your bandages. I need to see how your back and face are healing.”
I watched as he went around the room checking my IVs, monitors, and entering in what he needed to on the computer that sat to the left of the bed. I turned my head as far as I could before it snapped back to where it had come from. My muscles were so tight, and the pain shot down my arm making my fingers tingle.
“Careful on that side. It is still healing and has a long way to go.”
I tried to lift my arm to touch my face, but it felt like it weighed as much as a small horse. I got it so my fingertips grazed the sheets before it came crashing back down.
“Look Hayden, I know you want to rush this, but it isn’t possible. This will take time, a lot of it, and you will have to listen to what your body tells you, so you don’t hinder the progress you have already made. Wait until I get a look at you and until PT can evaluate you before you try to make a miracle recovery. Okay?”
“Ready?” a slender girl asked when she came flying into my room. She was no bigger than I was, but her face was beautiful. She could have been a model with how perfect she looked. Her long dark brown hair was tied back in a high pony and she had on teal scrubs. It would have made most people unattractive, but it didn’t with her.
“I am. Hayden, this is Julie and she is going to help me check your wounds. When we are done with that, what do you think about her cleaning you up a bit?”
I closed my eyes and imagined a tub overflowing with bubbles and that made me smile.
“That is something I haven’t seen you do yet,” he said.
“She is getting there for sure, Dr. Anderson.”
“That she is.”
He was talking to her but never took his eyes off of me. It should have made me uncomfortable, but it didn’t. It made me feel safe and made me want to do whatever he asked of me to make him happy.
“Okay. I am going to have Julie carefully help you lean to your right side. That is the one that isn’t as bad, so I think we need to start there. Your left side is still pretty mangled, so I want to leave you off of that for now.”
He was shifting my covers and pillows around as he talked, and Julie seemed to follow him with ease. They didn’t say a word to each other but flowed together seamlessly.
They had me on to my right side in no time at all and the new position felt amazing. It still hurt when things rubbed on the left or if one of them had to move a tubing or part of my gown.
“Alright. I am going to remove this bandage. Julie will clean it and then we will get new dressing on there. I should be able to see all I need to from this angle and it will leave the pressure off of your bad side.”
Hearing I had a “bad side” flooded my mind with all the things I could have looked like then. I pictured Freddy Kruger, the blob in Star Wars and even Sloth from the Goonies. I wished I could see their faces, it would have told me all I needed to know, but they were at my back. I lay there and let them do all the poking and prodding they needed to in silence.
“It’s looking better,” Dr. Anderson said in the most cheerful voice he could.
“It sure is,” Julie mimicked.
“We are going to get this cleaned up a bit, put some new ointment on it, and get you wrapped back up. Julie can finish your bath then and you will probably be ready to sleep after that. Tonight, if you want, we can send in some soft food to try. Jello, soup, ice cream. Whatever you feel like trying. It will be sore at first, so start small, but I don’t see why you can’t start eating food again now that the tube is out.”
All I could do was nod. My mind was on everything but food then. I wanted to know what it was that had me in so much pain and them overacting the happy dance in front of me. I would have wanted the three back to visit, but they were more of the same. All smiles and happy thoughts when all I wanted was the truth. I wanted to know what happened to me and what I really looked like after it all.
I wanted to know who I was, where I lived, and what I did all day. I wanted to go back to my house, apartment, whatever it was and start going back to normal things. I wanted to know if I had family and if I did, where they were. Why hadn’t they shown up? I knew the three that had been there weren’t related to me, but they were there every day for me.
I wanted to know who they really were to me and who I was to them. I wanted whatever my normal life was.
CHAPTER EIGHT
It was weeks of the same thing. The doctors came in, checked me, handed me off to the nurse, and then they did what they needed to and left.
I was eating real food again and even got my voice back, but it sounded different than I remembered it sounding. They said it was from the strain of the tube and from the trauma I went through. I was told over and over how things would go back to almost normal “someday” and I only needed to be patient.
My whole left side killed me all the time. Nothing I did or anything they gave me made it feel better. I wanted to rip it off my body most of the time and probably would have if I knew it wouldn’t mean staying there longer.
I was able to remember the names of a few of the people who dropped by to visit. Tracy, Adam, and Jack were there the most and I was beginning to really like them.
Adam was the funnier of the two and Jack was the one who seemed to keep him in line. Tracy was sweet and could be firm but gentle at the same time. I liked when she was the only one in the room. There was something about her that calmed me down and made me think I could do this even on my worst days.
