Habits for Healing, page 6
Three More Steps to Begin the Habit of Personal Accountability
You may have to heal from things no one ever apologized for. You may never receive an apology from your parents about your childhood, from your spouse for violating your relationship, from your friend for ghosting you or your boss for firing you. You have a responsibility to yourself to heal anyway.
You may have to be the one to end a relationship that is unhealthy for you. Some marriages, partnerships, and friendships last far longer than the actual relationship because neither party is willing to accept responsibility for protecting their own heart. Have the tough conversations about your needs and standards up-front to see if the person you are in a relationship with is open to change. If they choose to continue engaging in unhealthy patterns, choose yourself and move forward without them.
You may have to admit you were wrong or made a mistake. Our choices have a direct impact on the lives around us, and it takes courage to acknowledge if a choice we made was harmful. When you do this, you are standing as the highest version of yourself and giving others the opportunity to witness your true character. Let others see that you have integrity, you know how to self-correct, you care about how your actions impact others, and that you are committed to being a better person.
We’ve unpacked a lot of things about cultivating the habit of accepting personal accountability. Now let’s take some time to reflect on ways you can put this habit into practice.
Prompts for Personal Accountability
What do you need to take personal accountability for in your life? Have your actions caused harm in the life of someone you love? Have someone else’s actions toward you led to behavior that you are not proud of? Do you need to speak up for yourself more? Do you need to release your excuses and stop using your past to stay in a victim cycle?
Why do you need to be more accountable in those areas? Knowing your why will help you focus on the outcome, not the possible shame or regret of waiting so long.
What does being more accountable for your life look like? What can you do to meet your own needs and protect your own heart, and in what ways do you need to be more accountable for how you show up in the lives of others? Will you have more tough conversations, set boundaries, or release some people from your life?
How will you practice the habit of accepting personal accountability today, this week, and/or this month? What are the actions you can commit to doing? What can you do immediately? Can you examine the impact your actions have had on others and change your behavior moving forward? Can you initiate a tough conversation about how someone else’s actions have impacted you?
Practicing the habit of accepting personal accountability will require trying behaviors you are not used to. Protecting yourself by initiating a conversation with someone who hurt you may feel intimidating, or you may even feel resentful that you have to initiate that conversation in the first place. You may feel weak for admitting that your action negatively impacted someone you love or feel foolish for having to publicly correct a mistake. Remember your why, and stay committed to your healing.
Use the Space Below to Work Through the Prompts On Your Own
Need:
Why do I need to do this?
Healing Habits:
Practices/Action:
Affirmations for Personal Accountability
Say this out loud with me:
I accept full responsibility for my life.
Taking accountability for my life empowers me.
I am capable of recovering from every mistake.
I am committed to becoming the best version of myself.
I will give myself space to learn and grow.
part two
Reclaim Your Peace
Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter.
—Rumi
Chapter 4
The Habit of Lowering Expectations: How Acceptance Heals Our Relationship with Bitterness
Some major life changes happened for me when I was ten years old. I got braces and glasses, and I started attending a private Christian school thanks to a payment plan for low-income families. Here’s the thing: I didn’t like any of it. First, it was the new school. Switching schools is tough for anyone, and I was a Black girl from the projects whose parents were the same age as some of my classmates’ older siblings. And I didn’t even live with my parents, so in class I always ended up correcting teachers who said things like, “Take this home to your mother,” or “What did your mother think about that?”
The week leading up to Mother’s Day was particularly awful. One teacher brought in construction paper in assorted colors, markers, glitter, crayons, stickers, and glue. She raved about the Mother’s Day creations she had made when she was a kid and encouraged us to be creative in our expressions of love and gratitude for our moms. Initially, I was excited to get started. But things took a turn as my teachers and the other students noticed that I was making two cards. All day I had to explain that I needed something for both my grandmom (whom I called Mom at the time) and my actual mom (whom I also called Mom). My teachers kept pushing back against my two cards. “We’re celebrating mothers, Nakeia. We’ll have something special for grandparents on Grandparents’ Day.”
I felt so different from everyone else at school. There were only two Black students in our entire grade level, and I was the only one who didn’t come from a so-called traditional family. My skin color was different, my background was different, the community I bused in from was different, and my experiences up to that point were something none of my classmates could relate to. I lived in the hood, and my family didn’t have money—the students loved to make fun of the old yellow Ford that we drove. To top it all off, one Monday morning, I showed up at school with braces and glasses. Luckily, a few weeks later, those glasses “disappeared” under mysterious circumstances (and my grandmom didn’t have the money to replace them). As for the braces, I was stuck with those for five whole years. These are not the worst things that can happen to a kid, but it sure feels like it when you’re ten years old.
Before changing schools, I had no idea that the story of my life was so…layered. At my old school, it was common for kids to live with their grandmothers, and tons of my friends were born to teenage parents. Not to mention, the kids I knew who didn’t come from the projects still liked to hang out there, so I hadn’t yet realized it was a rough place to grow up. All of us were united by a struggle we were too young to understand.
When my new classmates shared the details of their lives, it opened my eyes to ways of being that I didn’t even know were possible. Parents could be married and live together, happily. Adults could earn enough money from a single job to support their families. There were no fights after school, I didn’t have to prove I was tough, and I saw kids experiencing the luxury of just being kids. Life outside of struggle existed.
After school, I would come home and pray, God, what’s up with my life? Why the struggle? Why no real family? Why the major differences in the quality of life between the Black people I live around and the white people I go to school with?
Although I felt different, I didn’t feel less than anyone else. I still knew I had a right to a quality education—and, ultimately, a higher-quality life—despite all the things that made me different. In fact, having a layered story made me feel significant. That’s one thing I will always appreciate about myself—I never hid any part of my story. I didn’t shy away from the uncomfortable details. When everyone else was making Mother’s Day cards, I continued to make two—one for each of the women I called “Mom.”
When you’re ready to start practicing the habit of acceptance, making peace with your childhood is a good place to start. We don’t get to choose our foundation; it is what it is. And you know what, when those foundational experiences sucked, there’s a chance that a good portion of our adult lives might suck as well. But one day, someone like me might come along and invite you to accept what sucked. The audacity!
Stick close, Beloved. I’m going somewhere with this.
Accepting Things You Didn’t Choose
When each of us was born, we didn’t get to stand behind a one-way mirror and pick our parents out of a lineup. The first time we met them was the same moment we took our very first breaths. Some people win the parent lottery, others just learn to live with what they get.
It’s important to have a bit of grace for everyone here. Some of our parents had to navigate their roles under horrible circumstances. They did what they could—when they could. Others of us might have been affected by things beyond the actions of our parental figures—for example, how our environment, extended family, community, country, nationality, or color has impacted us.
There are so many things from childhood that we don’t get to choose
•Who our parents are
•The quality of parenting we receive (present parents, absent parents, and their maturity levels)
•How we are raised (culture, values, spiritual beliefs)
•Being a minority
•Growing up in an impoverished community
•Experiencing abuse or neglect of any kind
I once had a client whose entire community raised money and collected resources for her to move to the United States to attend college in New York. She was a standout in her medical residency, living out her family’s wishes and “the American dream.” Yet she still felt extremely unfulfilled, and even a little angry. She was a textbook people-pleaser who didn’t understand why it was so hard for her to feel happy—until she realized she was living someone else’s dream. In her culture, it was common for the family and community elders to decide early on the kind of life young people were to live. She had been a doctor in training her whole life. In our work together, we identified her core values and explored what made her feel fully present and aligned with her desires. Eventually, she uncovered that what she really wanted to do was write.
It was difficult for my client to name her habit of people-pleasing and self-abandonment because it was ingrained in her culture to do so. Once the veil was lifted, she realized it was never really her choice. It was hard for her to accept that even as an adult, she wasn’t fully in control of her own life.
Defining Acceptance
I used to strongly dislike that phrase: It is what it is. Somewhere on social media, I saw someone call it a toxic phrase, and at first that characterization resonated with me. It seemed like people used it only when they were giving up on something or making an excuse for not living up to a promise.
“Hey, are you going to try again?” No. It is what it is.
“You don’t even appear to be sorry.” Well, it is what it is.
“You are always late and it’s frustrating.” I’m sorry, but it is what it is.
When I say it is what it is I mean
•I acknowledge what’s happening in my life right now.
•I choose not to resist reality.
•I will not try to force what can’t be.
•I acknowledge the things I can’t change.
•I am aware that there are things I can’t control.
If someone uses the phrase to excuse their lack of personal responsibility, dismiss someone else’s experience or feelings, or exercise their unwillingness to change, that can feel toxic. But I want to challenge you to consider a healthier way to use the phrase: as a reminder not to resist reality or force things that we can’t change.
“No, I don’t want to continue this relationship with you.” Okay. It is what it is.
“Can we try to make things work one more time?” No. It is what it is.
“Don’t you wish things were different?” Yes. But it is what it is.
All of us face moments when we need to close a chapter in our lives, acknowledge a truth about our story, or protect our own peace. When we reach that point, the habit of acceptance—or making peace with what is—can be a powerful practice in moving forward. Keep in mind: It is what it is right now, but one day it will be what you make it.
Our Resistance to Acceptance
There are many ways we have developed a resistance to acceptance. A layered childhood isn’t limited to kids of teenage parents, or the impoverished or abused. Just because you grew up in a traditional home doesn’t mean you were shielded from struggle.
Perhaps you experienced emotional neglect from a parent who worked constantly or was too busy fussing over one of your siblings to be available to you. Maybe your guardian was overbearing and you felt like you couldn’t do anything right. Or what if you grew up in an entirely wonderful home, but you were bullied at school?
If you are struggling to practice acceptance of your past, now is a good time to revisit your inner child. Hold space for the impact your life has had on you, and look at how far you’ve come despite it all.
Make space now for the little one in you to see that your past was temporary. It was what it was. And although those difficult moments were uncomfortable and painful, you eventually gained control of your own life.
Yes—you are a fighter, but this time you are fighting for your life, not against it. You are taking care of yourself, letting the past go, holding yourself accountable for your current behavior, and embracing acceptance.
Daily Habits to Heal Resistance and Practice Acceptance
Stop trying to revise the past and start making active plans for how you want to live now and in the future.
Every morning I engage in a routine that I call the Daily Setup. I sit down and make a bulleted list of three to six things I’m planning to do that day. As I complete each bullet point, I highlight the item in my favorite color marker. Yes—seeing pink throughout the pages of my calendar makes me feel satisfied, but it is also a written reminder of my recent life accomplishments. I don’t just make a daily plan, I make plans for the year, every quarter, every month, and every week. Planning your future sends a clear message that you will not be defined by your past.
Stop living someone else’s dream. Be an original thinker, with ideas and beliefs that are aligned with who you are.
It’s okay to be different. You can allow your family members to honor the traditions and values they hold as truth, while actively creating and uncovering your own. With this practice, simply allow others to be who they are while honoring who you are becoming each day.
Stop fighting things you can’t change and start focusing on leveraging the gifts, skills, and talents you can use to transform your life.
Distract yourself with yourself. This practice keeps your attention directed toward things you can control. A healthy distraction could look like taking a class, developing a course of your own, or going after a promotion at work. You may not have been able to start off your life the way you wish you could have, but you can start fresh, right now.
Why Acceptance Matters
Practicing acceptance can be as layered as the details of our lives. There are some things that we may have to accept for a season. There are circumstances we have to tolerate until we can regain control of our lives, or gain the resources and opportunities to do something else. Circumstances like your job, living situation, relationship status, and family dynamics all qualify as things you may have to accept temporarily.
Acceptance is a major key to the happiness so many of us are seeking. Happiness is about joy and contentment, and those things won’t flourish if we don’t find peace. When you can’t immediately change your circumstances, it’s possible to find moments of joy even in temporary situations.
In my work I often get asked about situations like this:
My parents make living at home unbearable. They are verbally abusive and toxic. What can I do until I can move out?
My response: Find something that you can do outside the home that will take up as much of your day as possible and bring moments of relief. Try a job you enjoy, join a small group, or cultivate a new skill.
My goal to buy a home keeps getting pushed back because I can’t seem to pay down my debt and save enough money. I feel like a loser and it’s making me depressed. Any tips?
My response: Adjust your timeline. It’s your goal, so you get to make the rules. Instead of resisting the reality of your life right now, work within it. Create a three- or five-year plan and celebrate every dollar you save and every debt you pay off. And this is important: Make your current home as beautiful as possible. Show gratitude, decorate it to fit the energy you want to live in, and don’t put off enjoying life “until…”
I want you to think of acceptance as releasing your desire for something to be what it is not. Your parents can only be who they are. Your past can only be what it was. The world you live in can only be what it is—at least right now.
Other ways to define acceptance
•Acceptance is the acknowledgment that things, people, or the past won’t be any different than they already are.
