Habits for Healing, page 12
Follow the rule of “Me, Us, or We.” This one is simple: If the business isn’t about me, us, or we, it’s not mine. “Me” is yourself, “us” could be your immediate family members or close friends that could be impacted, and “we” is you and the other people directly involved—for instance, you and a sibling, co-worker, or friend. This is a great rule because it invites you to focus on things that matter and things that you can control.
Establish boundaries. We will explore boundaries more in the next chapter, but for now, it’s worth considering what it means to have clear guidelines for getting involved in someone else’s life. The boundary may be “I share my thoughts on my sister’s marriage only if she asks me” or “I’ll help out financially only one time a year, and only if they can come up with 50 percent of their need” or “I will avoid gossip at work by eating lunch in my office.” Minding other people’s business is a huge energy drain. Boundaries will prevent the deficit.
Prompts for Minding Your Own Business
In what areas of your life do you need to practice minding your own business? Whose life are you preoccupied with? Did they ask for your opinion, help, or support? If they asked, is it because they aren’t taking responsibility for their own life?
Why do you need to mind your own business? Will you have more time and energy to focus on your own life? Will it help break the cycle of enabling others? Will minding your own business empower you and the people you love?
What does minding your own business look like? Will you help only those who ask? Will you stop enabling specific family members? Will you set a boundary that separates you as a professional from you as a family member or friend?
How will you practice the habit of minding your own business today, this week, and/or this month? What are the actions you can commit to doing? Can you recommit your focus to your own life? Can you start or finish a personal project you’ve been neglecting? Can you seek therapy to address your need to save others?
Use the Space Below to Work Through the Prompts on Your Own
Need:
Why do I need to do this?
Healing Habits:
Practices/Action:
Affirmations for Minding Your Own Business
Say this out loud with me:
I mind the business that belongs to me.
My life deserves my attention and energy.
I reserve my insights for those who ask.
I give other people the freedom to show up for themselves.
I use my wisdom, talents, and skills to improve my own life.
Chapter 8
The Habit of Confrontation: How Setting Boundaries Heals Our Relationship with Connection
During seasons when my grandmom was particularly overwhelmed, I stayed on my best behavior. The stress of working multiple jobs, raising a bonus child, and living in a home with people who were struggling with drug use made her easily angered. I was only seven or eight then, but I didn’t want to add to her troubles by misbehaving at school or around the house.
When I would slip and make age-appropriate mistakes, like not being truthful about the candy I ate, staying outside after the streetlights came on, or getting notes sent home from my teacher for talking too much in class, my grandmom would discipline me with a lecture and a whupping. She would also tag this one sentence at the end of some of her lectures: “…and you can go stay with your mom, because I am too old and too tired for this.”
That one sentence hurt worse than getting hit with her belt. It validated every negative thing I believed about myself at the time. I was a burden. I was optional. I wasn’t a choice. I was too much.
She would say it only when everything else in her life was extremely tough, but those words hurt me deeply. As I sat on the edge of the bed in my room, I remember thinking, Why did you take me in at all?
One day when I was a few years older, I had gotten in trouble for another minor slip. I can’t remember what I did, but I know it wasn’t something that warranted the punishment I was going to receive. This time, when my grandmom threw that one sentence at me, I remember saying a short and silent prayer for the courage (and protection from that belt) to voice what I would normally only think to myself. I looked my grandmom in the eye, and cautiously said, “Why did you take me in?”
She stopped in her tracks. My question seemed to confuse her. Her gaze wasn’t threatening. It was stoic at first, and then morphed into a look of remorse. Despite my fear (and, yeah, I was scared as hell), I repeated my question, adding words I will never forget. I said, “If you are too old and too tired for me, why did you take me in? I am not a bad kid. I try as hard as I can not to be…I don’t make you worry or cry like your sons, I’m not in the streets, I’m not pregnant, and I’m not on drugs. When you’re stressed, you say things to me that hurt me worse than the belt. Maybe I should leave so I’m not another person stressing you out.”
There was silence. Thinking back, it felt like forever, but it was probably more like a minute or so. I braced myself on the edge of the bed, preparing for the worst. But instead, my grandmom walked over to me and gave me a hug. When she released her hold, she had tears in her eyes. She apologized for her words and promised she’d never say them again. And she didn’t. Ever.
That moment taught me that everyone has limits, and if we don’t share those limits with the people in our lives, they will continue to push them. It was my first real lesson on boundaries. The courage I gained from having that talk has never left me. A precedent was set. I discovered that I could protect my heart, my peace, my values, and the relationships that matter to me.
I also learned that my grandmom, flaws and all, was one of the most amazing people in my world. In that moment, she embodied the healing habits we’ve discussed in this book. She showed empathy and was accepting. She let go of antiquated ways of parenting and allowed me to use my voice and express my heart. She held herself accountable for changing and forgiving herself. She held space for my perspective and didn’t take it personally. That one conversation changed the dynamic of our entire relationship.
My Definition of Boundaries
Boundaries are a specific set of standards, needs, and limits that help support your well-being and help you feel comfortable in your relationship with others. Although setting boundaries with others may feel easier when the people you are setting them for cooperate, it’s your responsibility to set them. You can make requests of other people, offer suggestions, and share your needs, but ultimately honoring a boundary is something that requires action. Developing the habit of saying “no” when you need to say it, asking for help, for space, or for clarity when you need it, and expressing your feelings, concerns, or expectations when they arise is essential to the health and well-being of your relationships.
Resistance to Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries is something you get better at with practice. If you wait until you and a family member are at odds with each other, until you and your co-worker are behind on a project, or until you and your partner are rethinking your commitment to each other, setting boundaries will become something you fear instead of something you can confidently face.
Our history with boundaries determines how we impose and accept them. If your family tended to ignore limits, invade each other’s spaces, downplay each other’s needs, or disregard what each other said, you might have grown up lacking the skills needed to identify, communicate, and honor healthy boundaries as an adult. You may fear being assertive about your needs and you may have trouble accepting when other people are being assertive about their own.
You may be afraid to assert a boundary when
•Setting a boundary may highlight how you are different from the people in your life, making you feel alienated
•Your boundaries were judged or rejected in the past
•A relationship ended when you set a boundary in the past
•You are uncertain how someone will respond to your boundaries
•You want to please and be accepted by others
•You don’t know how to communicate your needs
How Familial History Impacts Our Resistance to Boundaries
I come from a children-are-seen-and-not-heard kind of family. I had very little say over my life. My bedroom door was expected to stay open at all times, my phone conversations with friends took place in the living room surrounded by everyone who was home at the time, and no one had their own anything. Food, clothing, jewelry, money, toiletries, and other things I now deem as mine were ours as far as my family was concerned. There was no such thing as limits, standards, or needs that were my own, so I had every reason to fear having that tough conversation with my grandmom about how her words were affecting me.
Whenever I speak, facilitate a workshop, or host a session with clients on the subject of boundaries, I always go back to that conversation with my grandmom. Years ago, I asked for her blessing to share it publicly because it was such a defining moment in my relationship with her and with boundaries. Being brave and vulnerable enough to confront my grandmom with a boundary, and having her response be one of empathy and respect, impacted how I would set boundaries in the future.
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Take a moment and consider your earliest experiences with boundaries:
•Could you share your feelings with a parent or parental figure without fear of punishment?
•Were you allowed to say “no,” have privacy in your own space, or speak up in defense of yourself as a child?
•Were you encouraged to have a perspective that was different from everyone else’s? Or were you criticized whenever you took a different stance than the family?
It is natural to fear doing something that could negatively impact your relationships. Your needs may conflict with the needs of others. Your limits may change the dynamic of how you engage with some of the most important people in your life. A difficult conversation may determine if someone stays or goes. But the hard truth is that you may never feel comfortable setting a boundary that you absolutely need to set. The price of peace, joy in your relationships, feeling seen and heard, and ultimately having your needs met might not be a small one, but it’s worth every bit of the courage it takes to do it.
How Trauma History Impacts Our Resistance to Boundaries
In addition to family history, trauma history also affects the way we set and receive boundaries. For example, abuse in and of itself is a violation of boundaries. There is an unspoken expectation that your physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual needs will be protected in close relationships, but that unspoken agreement changes when those areas are breached by those we love. The secrecy that often accompanies abuse, the silencing that often comes with disclosing it, and the guilt and shame that are a result of the stigma attached to it all play a part in how or if we communicate a boundary.
I understand that all of this and any other instance of trauma in your history can perpetuate fear of advocating for yourself in the future. But I want you to take a moment to pause and try to see past your fear: Imagine how it would feel to experience a new level of power over your life.
Six Signs You Need to Set Boundaries
You will know you need to set boundaries when you start feeling resentful and bitter. In relationships that lack boundaries, people often feel frustrated, irritated, and annoyed. You might feel this way if you go out of your way to support others but feel emotionally depleted because that same support and energy is not reciprocated. This pattern can build up to feelings of long-term resentment. If you’re starting to feel bitterness in your relationships, try communicating the support you need.
You will know you need to set boundaries when you start betraying your own heart. When you are doing things out of obligation instead of inspiration, when you say “yes” to things you’d rather say “no” to, or when you do things that go against your own standards and values—you are betraying your own needs. Honoring your boundaries is how you honor your heart. Sometimes you have to challenge your actions to ensure they are aligned with what you need and want.
You will know you need to set boundaries when you tolerate toxic behavior or abuse. There should be no place in your life for behavior that chips away at the health of your heart, causes you to question your worth, or threatens your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Even when a person isn’t intentionally trying to cause harm, their words and actions have a negative impact. Sharing your physical and emotional limits in your relationships makes being in connection with others safe.
You will know you need to set boundaries when you are afraid to speak up for yourself. When you fear being honest, asking for help, expressing a concern, or sharing what you want or need in your relationships, you lack emotional safety and comfort. Hiding or shrinking any part of you, in your relationship, means you are showing up in pieces when you deserve to be whole. Boundaries will give you the freedom to show up fully as yourself.
You will know you need to set boundaries when your relationship tends to be difficult and filled with drama. When there are constant arguments, avoidant behavior (ignoring, disappearing, shutting down, or cutting each other off), and immature plays for power or control, these are signs that the relationship lacks standards, limits, and clear expectations. That kind of emotional labor isn’t good for your connection or your health. Chaos isn’t cute and it doesn’t spice things up in your relationship; it’s toxic.
You will know you need to set boundaries when you lose your sense of self. When your entire identity is tied to the role you play in the lives of other people, it can be a sign that you lack self-care, self-awareness, and ultimately self-actualization. You will relate to this issue if your entire calendar, outside of work, is filled with things you do for others, like dinners, showing up for sporting events, caretaking, or being their emotional support person. If you have free time, you may have no idea what to do with it because you are so used to using it for others.
What Setting Boundaries with Family Looks Like
I had a conversation with my client Elise a few days after she had asked her father and sister to pack up and leave her home, during a visit. You heard that right. She kicked her own father (and sister) out of her house. She felt they were rude and had violated one of the rules of her home, so she said it was time for them to leave. And they did.
Elise told me that she shared this experience with her friend and they said her actions were mean. When we discussed it, I said it meant she had boundaries. While I was talking, Elise googled the definition of boundary; although she had been enacting them for years, she had no idea it was a legit thing. I explained to Elise that she did well by expressing her expectations to her father and sister, but they had dismissed her feelings. I was proud of her, because once she started to feel resentment rising, she took responsibility for her own needs and created the space she needed to process her feelings and prevent further damage to her relationships. Elise’s father and sister didn’t want to suffer the consequences either, so they left without resistance. Their relationships remain intact to this day.
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Of course, it doesn’t always go that way. Most of the people I’ve worked with describe setting boundaries with family as the hardest habit to create. They didn’t want to hurt their mother-in-law’s or parents’ feelings by asking them to call to find out if it was a convenient time before coming over to visit. They were met with resistance when explaining to a sibling that their personal relationship was off-limits after deciding to work things out with a partner.
Our families are our first experience in relationships, which means they’re the perfect place to start building our boundary muscle. The experience of erecting a boundary with a sibling may make it easier to do so later on with a co-worker. Asking a parent for what you need to feel seen in the family may be good practice before asking a boss for a raise. Remember, you may never feel completely comfortable with setting a boundary, but you can grow to do it with more ease.
Fair warning: If you begin setting boundaries, some people might misinterpret your behavior as meanness. A family member who had issues with substance use and money once called me mean for not buying them alcohol and cigarettes. One of my aunts gave me the nickname Miss Missy (that I actually loved) for being assertive about what I didn’t want to eat, didn’t want to wear, and where I didn’t want to go as a child.
Boundaries with family members may look like
•Taking discussions about your personal relationship off the table
•Giving rules about acceptable behavior at your house
•Not attending family dinner when you don’t have the capacity to
•Not allowing others to discipline your children
