Habits for Healing, page 3
But she was different on the train we took from Philadelphia to West Palm Beach or Miami, Florida, during the summer, or on the drive from New Jersey to Michigan during winter break. We would sing songs together. I would see her laughing and telling stories. She would get dressed up and put on her best costume jewelry. My grandmom seemed to be a totally different version of herself when she was away from the day-to-day stuff, visiting family and friends. Now that I’m older, I recognize the difference between my exhausted grandmom and the well-rested version of her—the grandmom who was in survival mode and the grandmom who had a few weeks in Florida every summer, to thrive. When she had time to take care of herself, our relationship was always better.
What if I told you that you are worth just as much when you are resting as you are when you are working? Do you even know what being at your best looks and feels like?
I believe you have an obligation to yourself and to the people who love and count on you to be your best. Modeling the habit of what it means to be a good person can break a generational cycle of self-sacrifice and introduce a whole new way of being.
If you’re honest, maybe you would admit you’ve used a hundred reasons to neglect yourself. Maybe you are single with no children. Maybe you have to work hard to pay off debt. Maybe you feel a responsibility to give back to your family. And here’s the thing: You can do all of these things. Just not at your expense. I challenge you to remain the thoughtful, present, and dependable person that you are and be sure to share some of those qualities with yourself.
Reserve some of the goodness in you for you, too.
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Two things to remember:
Self-care is not me only; it’s me too.
Self-care is not me only, but it may mean me first.
What Self-Care Heals in Us
On an episode of her Homecoming podcast, Dr. Thema Bryant explained the source of our reluctance to take care of ourselves: “If you loved yourself, some of the things you’ve been deliberating over would be an easy choice.” I must have played back that sentence fifty times. In most realms of our lives, deliberation—or careful consideration and thought—usually happens before action is taken. You deliberate and decide what you want for dinner. You deliberate and decide where to go on your next vacation. You deliberate (for what seems like an hour, if you’re like me) and decide on the color for your next mani-pedi. When you are deliberate, you are conscious, you are intentional, and you are careful.
Imagine what your life would be like if you were conscious and careful about the habits you practice to enhance your well-being.
Sit with that thought for a moment.
Does choosing to care for yourself come easily for you? How would you feel if you started practicing those things before it was too late?
When you’re deliberate about your self-care, it might sound like this:
•I recognize that I need more time to just be with myself because I am feeling stretched and depleted.
•I am aware of my responsibilities to my family, but I am also responsible for myself.
•I commit to actually taking a twenty-minute lunch break a few times a week.
•I commit to reserving an additional thirty minutes to run errands alone on the weekends.
•I commit to an earlier bedtime for the kids, so I can use the extra time to recover in the evenings.
Thinking about your needs and wants may seem selfish at first. But eventually you and everyone you are connected to will benefit from it.
Only you know your current circumstance. Only you know what you need in this season of your life—and that is exactly where to begin cultivating the healing habit of self-care.
The Intersection of Self-Care and Self-Love
My introduction to self-love went like this: “Look in the mirror and repeat the words I love you ten times.” The idea was to repeat this practice, every day, until you believed it, meant it, and felt it.
I was in search of something deeper than just loving my body and feeling beautiful. I wanted to love and value my time and energy. I needed to love the decisions I made that may have upset my family a little. I wanted to not feel guilty for choosing things that were best for me—even when it meant there would be distance between me and those I loved.
When you view self-love through the lens of self-care, you give yourself permission to engage in acts of self-love, not just say the words. Loving yourself could mean you don’t have as much free time for other people because you are spending it reading books, watching videos, and engaging in other habits that will help you develop personally. Self-care is how you show yourself love.
I have demonstrated how self-care positions you to care for others. But please know that you deserve self-care just for you. These days I love myself by creating a daily schedule for me and my family, asking for help when I need it, texting or calling one of my good friends throughout the day, going to sleep at 9:30 most nights, and setting reminders to drink a glass of water every two hours. I don’t have to earn these deliberate acts of self-love, and I don’t do them only if I have extra time. Just as brushing my teeth and washing my face are essential in my daily routine, so is drinking my morning cup of coffee in silence every morning and leaving everyone at the dinner table to go soak in the bathtub at night. My self-care habits are built into the fabric of my daily life.
Self-Care and Your Purpose
Generally speaking, your purpose is your reason for existing. But when we fixate on things in our lives that are outside of our control, we limit what our purpose could be. That’s why for me, it’s essential to approach purpose in a way that centers sustainable, nourishing self-care.
People often label their purpose as their job, being a parent, being a partner, or fulfilling some duty to others. But your job and career are subject to conditions you don’t always determine, and they can feel stagnant or evolve at certain points in your life. Also, the role you play in the lives of others requires their consent, and can sometimes end abruptly, or against your wishes. We outgrow people, places, and things, which makes it difficult to assign purpose to them indefinitely.
After being on the journey to purpose for more than four decades, and working with others to uncover theirs, I have come to define purpose as becoming the best version of yourself. Your purpose is to exist in the fullness of who you are, in every moment and season of your life, as best you can. Self-care is the habit that helps you meet your personal best. Every time you engage in daily practices, rituals, and acts of self-love, you are practicing a sustainable system of affirming and meeting your own needs. When you take care of yourself, you reclaim your purpose.
Five More Self-Care Habits for Being at Your Best
Indulge in one thing that’s just for you. Take yourself to dinner or a movie or buy a snack or luxury skin-care item that is meant only for you. Show yourself that you are deserving of good things.
Set a timer to take three deep breaths every three hours. You’ll be amazed at how doing this consistently can decrease stress over time. This is a preventative habit, but also one you should use while experiencing a difficult day.
Schedule a daily check-in with your emotions by asking, “How do I feel?” and “How do I want to feel?” Do this every morning before you start your day or in response to sudden mood changes to regain control of your emotions. When you identify a feeling, assign one self-care action to address it, and commit to taking that action before the end of the day.
Harness the power of nostalgia in your day by looking at old photos or listening to old songs. These habits release feel-good hormones, act as a healthy distraction, and can improve relationships when you do them with someone you love. This is also a great practice if you forget what it felt like to be at your best. Remembering where you were, what you were doing, and who you were with when you were at your best in the past can inspire you to re-create versions of those things now.
Try releasing tension by taking a few minutes to give yourself permission to cry, scream, or even shake your body rhythmically or vigorously. Avoiding or denying your true emotions contributes to poor well-being, but physically processing them leads to emotional clarity and calm. We are taught that outward expressions of internal emotions are signs of weakness or poor mental health, when the truth is they are signs of emotional maturity.
Prompts for Self-Care
What do you need at this moment? What are your biggest complaints when it comes to how you spend your time and energy? What do you feel pressured to do for others at your expense? What has your mood been like? Has a lack of self-care negatively impacted your relationships?
Why do you need it? Knowing why can give you the permission you’ve been waiting for.
What will your self-care habits look like? Do you need a new schedule? Can you delegate some of your responsibilities? Do you need to unlearn old behavior models?
How will you practice the habit of self-care today, this week, and/or this month? What actions can you commit to doing? List at least one thing you can do immediately. It could be something as small as putting your phone on Do Not Disturb while you read or journal for fifteen minutes, or as big as declining the extra shift at work this weekend. Can you build in time to stretch before getting started with your day? Or do you need to do something more long-term, more reflective, like redefining what you being a good person looks like?
Use the Space Below to Work Through the Prompts on Your Own
Need:
Why do I need to do this?
Healing Habits:
Practices/Action:
Affirmations for Self-Care
Say this out loud with me:
I am deserving of tender love and attention.
I won’t wait until there is an emergency to take care of me.
I will take care now.
Well is a glorious thing to be.
I am creating a new legacy of positive well-being and purpose.
Caring for myself improves my capacity to care for others.
Chapter 2
The Habit of Editing Your Life: How Letting Go Heals Our Relationship with Change
I am good at throwing away things I don’t like or no longer want, but that skill pretty much evaporates when the belonging means something to me—even if it’s broken. I didn’t realize that about myself until I was sitting in an emergency room in my twenties, thinking about how I ended up there.
It all started seven years earlier, with a last-minute trip to the fanciest department store I knew at the time: Macy’s. My grandmom took me there to look for shoes for the prom. Having just gone through a breakup, I had initially sworn off prom, along with anything else that reminded me that I no longer had a boyfriend. But in the final hour (meaning the deadline for purchasing tickets), a friend convinced me to go, saying I’d look back and regret not having this memory. So, I bought two prom tickets—one for me and one for the date I had yet to secure—and started looking for the most important part of the night: my shoes.
I knew the style of shoe I was looking for and was certain Macy’s would have it. I was right. I found the perfect pair immediately. They were black, satin, strappy, and adorned with just the right number of rhinestones to make them look expensive but not cheesy. I asked for my size and tried them on, striding from mirror to mirror a few times to make sure I could walk in them comfortably. I didn’t even have to ask for my grandmom’s opinion. She nodded in approval as soon as I picked them up. (I inherited my love of shoes from her. She had kitten heels in every color and style.)
Despite my initial hesitation, I went to the prom and didn’t regret it. I spent most of the night dancing, and I went home feeling grateful I’d listened to my friend.
Those expensive-looking shoes went back into the box and saw the light of day on just two other occasions. The first time I put them back on, I felt a slight wiggle every time I took a step. And on the second occasion the heel broke. But I quickly fixed it, promising myself that I would retire the shoes eventually. Seven years later, when I was hosting a fancy concert for one of our clients, I pulled the shoes out a third time.
On the day of the event, I remembered only that the shoes perfectly matched my dress, forgetting my earlier promise to myself to throw those unstable heels away. The outfit was complete, the event was a success, and it was only on the way out, down a two-story flight of stairs, that I stepped down on the temporarily fixed heel and broke my ankle.
You may have heard the expression “let go or get dragged” before. This was a “let go or fall” moment.
During the hours I spent waiting in the ER, I realized that I had held on to those old shoes from prom because they were symbolic of something deeper. They were a tangible reminder that I knew how to move on from heartbreak. They were proof of my resilience. Which is why I couldn’t let them go until they put me in literal, physical danger.
What Letting Go Means
Letting go as a concept is not always as straightforward as the habit of self-care. But as a practice, it is simply relinquishing your physical, mental, or emotional grip on someone or something when it is no longer in your best interest to hold on.
Letting go is ending a relationship with someone you are no longer compatible with. Letting go is leaving an old job for one that comes with a salary increase. Going through your closet to discard clothes that no longer fit or shoes that are broken is also letting go.
It’s not always a one-time event—letting go is often a process. You may let go of a job or relationship but carry their memories and residual impact with you for a time before you’re able to fully detach from them. When we see the habit of letting go as a series of choices we slowly make until we no longer feel tied to what doesn’t serve us, we’re able to pinpoint our progress. Even if it’s seven years down the line, putting another aspect of your past to rest is letting go.
Inner Resistances to Letting Go
Whether it’s a physical grip on sentimental clothes or an emotional grip on a relationship that’s ended, many of us are resistant to the habit of letting go. Letting go is hard for a variety of reasons:
•We are conditioned to hold on. In childhood, we are taught never to give up, and that loving something means never letting it go. “Quitters never win” is a slogan posted in the locker rooms of tons of elementary and high school sporting facilities. “Hold on for dear life” is a popular phrase that makes it seem like letting go could mean the end of life as we know it. It’s unsettling to let go of what we know, and no one wants to feel like a loser.
•We are afraid of losing deep connection. Maybe holding on keeps you connected in some way to a relationship you didn’t want to end, a memory with a family member you don’t want to forget, or a version of yourself you want to relive.
•We are afraid of change. Maybe holding on is rooted in fear and self-doubt. Perhaps holding on gives you a false sense of safety because it’s familiar and you can remain on autopilot. Maybe you lack confidence in your ability to be successful after past failures. Change can feel scary and uncertain.
•Letting go feels like failure. Maybe your identity and worth are wrapped up in the things you’ve acquired, the roles you play in the lives of other people, and the things you do and achieve. Letting those things go, even if it’s to start over, can feel like a failure.
•Letting go means not getting a return on your investment. Maybe you’ve spent years building a relationship or a large amount of money chasing a business idea, and now you’re emotionally invested in ways that make it difficult to just walk away.
•Letting go feels like punishment. Maybe you were taught that admitting you are wrong is a form of chastisement. No one wants to be punished for making a mistake in judgment.
•Some people think they can’t move forward without closure. Maybe you only know how to let go of things that have a clear end or an acceptable reason for ending.
We don’t talk enough about the grief that comes with doing what’s best for you. Things that are good for you don’t always feel good to you, at first. Deciding to move forward, saying goodbye, and starting over can be a difficult process—but what’s waiting for you on the other side is worth it.
It is painful to let go of something you never wanted to end. To soothe the pain, we must remind ourselves that what we had is not the best we’ll ever have. We let go to heal. We let go to make room for what’s next.
It’s also important to acknowledge that we are not always tasked with letting go of bad things. When I was growing up my grandmom would say, “Everything that’s good to you ain’t good for you.” Of course, I had to mature enough to understand that piece of wisdom fully. But what she meant was that there are times in life when we must let go of things that may not be bad but may be a hindrance to our greater good. This is one reason we might be reluctant to let go of friendships, goals, and projects that aren’t fruitful, or beliefs about life that no longer align with who we are. Those things are not bad; they are just outgrown, and they may be blocking us from being as successful as we deserve.
