Habits for Healing, page 13
•Asking a disrespectful relative to leave your home
•Not picking a side when other family members are in a disagreement
•Having close relationships with friends without including a sibling or cousin
Some of those actions changed my relationship with the people involved. Still, I wasn’t being mean. I identified a need, a standard, a more sustainable way of being, and I honored that—even when it made others uncomfortable. I was doing something else most people miss: I set boundaries that were created to protect myself and preserve the relationship.
Setting a boundary says, “I want to stay in relationship with you and this boundary is what I need to feel safe and comfortable enough to do that.” I actually start my conversations around boundaries that way:
“I appreciate our relationship so much.”
“Family is at the top of my list of values.”
“I don’t want our love for each other to be negatively impacted.”
“I respect you and want to protect our relationship.”
It may take several conversations. It will take a period of adjustment. You may have to honor a boundary from someone else in response to your own. But boundaries preserve relationships by ensuring that everyone involved is protected. This was the case for my family members who were on the receiving end of some of my boundaries. Although they had to adjust, they appreciated the fact that I communicated my needs and limits, and that I chose to do that instead of cutting them off.
Here are some boundary choices you should consider if you’re in a romantic relationship
•Set standards concerning fidelity.
•Have the money talk (financial status, goals, responsibilities, spending habits).
•Decide how to handle disputes over things like purchases, parenting, or household matters.
•Share your independent needs, goals, and desires.
•Discuss parenting desires, options, and expectations (when or if you want children, and how you would raise them).
•Decide how much access to give outsiders (friends and family).
•Tell each other your deal-breakers.
What Setting Boundaries with a Partner Looks Like
When you are done with someone, the boundary is distance. When you want to save or maintain a relationship, the boundary is changed behavior. Habits that protect your boundaries look like direct communication, creating a schedule, assigning chores around the house, and having physical space. These types of habits preserve our most valued relationships, so deciding to opt for a boundary over a breakup is a major step toward relationship repair.
Relationships that lack boundaries are breeding grounds for arguments, misunderstandings, and other conflicts that can lead to emotional and physical distance. A healthy relationship is a series of choices and behaviors. No one ends up in their idea of a perfect relationship by accident. Partners intent on building a perfect relationship incorporate honest conversations, clear standards, agreed-upon expectations, and established boundaries.
You need boundaries in your relationships to
•Meet your needs and the needs of the other person
•Communicate clear and reasonable expectations
•Express limits and/or desires for expansion and growth
•Avoid toxic behaviors
•Minimize negative emotions like resentment and bitterness
•Stay mentally and emotionally well
Why Boundaries Matter
Boundaries are set in relationships with people you want to stay connected to. When you reframe boundaries with this specific intent in mind, it sheds a whole new light on them. It puts into perspective how specific actions can contribute to the health of your relationship with your loved ones. It makes standards and expectations known to prevent ambiguity and unintentional harm. Sharing your needs with someone is an act of vulnerability—and we are vulnerable with those we love and trust. To feel safe, supported, and deeply connected to our loved ones, we need to share the ways they can honor our needs—a need that goes both ways. You should create a safe space for your loved ones to share their boundaries with you as well.
The earlier in the relationship you create a habit of setting boundaries, the better. Establish agreements about who is responsible for paying specific bills, taking out the trash, responding to the mail, and cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. Sync relationship expectations about how often to go out for date night or spend time with friends, how much time you need alone to decompress, and whether exchanging gifts for special occasions is one of the ways you will show love.
Outline relationship standards that account for each person’s mental, emotional, and physical capacity, as well as your individual values. Think of these as preventative habits. Relationship boundaries can prevent a lot of misunderstandings. And if a positive relationship that lacks boundaries finds itself in trouble down the line, boundaries are also great for repairing relationships. If your relationships are suffering because you don’t have clear boundaries in place, it’s not too late to repair the damage. Start to identify your needs and begin to set boundaries, immediately.
It’s also possible to have good boundaries in one area of your relationship but not in another. Maybe you have good boundaries in place at home and in your marriage, but you need boundaries with extended family members. Maybe you are clear on who takes out the trash and who cleans up the kitchen, but not on who initiates dates and intimacy. The need for setting boundaries never expires. As you grow as individuals, and in love, so does your need for boundaries. It is naïve to think that the person you get into a relationship with stays the same forever, so as we evolve our boundaries can too.
People are supposed to change. And as they change, so will their specific need for boundaries. Perhaps revisit your boundaries after every major life change, or even yearly—during your anniversary month. And of course, have the conversation around boundaries whenever an immediate need to do so arises. You are not expected to be your partner’s therapist, but you can tell when something may be off with them personally, or in the relationship. You can do this by simply asking, “You seem tense. Is there anything I can do to help?” or “How can I help out around the house while you are working on your project?” Essentially you are asking, “Is there a boundary I can honor for you?”
What Setting Boundaries Heals in Us
A relationship is the most vulnerable place to be. Connecting with others in any kind of relationship requires an open heart, mind, and spirit. Setting boundaries creates safety, which fosters genuine connection.
You need family members who give you the space to be yourself. You need friends who don’t disclose your secrets. You need a partner who supports your efforts. Boundaries make those needs clear and protect you against violations of your vulnerability.
A hard truth that may be difficult to hear is that the people who will have the most trouble with your boundaries are the ones who want to cross them. Someone resisting your habit of doing what’s best for you is the real problem, not your boundaries.
Asking for what you need to feel safe and supported will expose who is for you and who isn’t. So instead of experiencing relationships where your limits are pushed or you feel disrespected, expressing your boundaries will reveal people’s true character, thereby helping you choose safer, more aligned connections instead.
A life without boundaries is a life without peace. You pay in peace when a lack of boundaries allows burnout, anxiousness, discontentment, frustration, and resentment to seep into your life. You pay in peace when your relationships are unpredictable, contemptuous, abusive, exhausting, and lack reciprocation. You pay in peace when you are not in control of your finances, time, safety, career, and emotions.
Setting boundaries is how you secure your peace, but it is also how you reclaim your power.
Setting Boundaries to Reclaim Your Power
I can always tell when a client is happy in their relationships. Their updates are filled with stories of quality time connecting with others and instances where someone showed up for them with support and encouragement. They are also prone to spontaneous self-improvement like taking risks, applying for jobs, or moving to a new state. They are proud to share regular wins like getting in better shape, or the promising early success of their new business. One client bragged about gaining what she called happy weight while falling in love because, hey, a win is a win.
The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life. When you have healthy boundaries in your relationships you tend to be less anxious, tense, and distracted by petty quarrels. These boundaries create the emotional space for joy, focus, and dreaming up ideas to improve your life. Loving, reciprocal, safe, and supportive relationships contribute positively to our well-being. We experience those relationship qualities by setting the boundaries that create space for them. We reclaim our power when we cultivate healthy relationships. We thrive in life when we are seen, heard, felt, and loved well.
The habit of setting boundaries ultimately empowers you to get your needs met. Instead of hoping someone will accurately guess what you want and need, you get to ask for it directly.
Three Steps to Begin Setting Boundaries
To set a boundary with yourself or others, you must do three things: Identify a need, decide on an action, and communicate the boundary.
Identify a need. A recurring question throughout this book has been What do I need? What are some specific standards, needs, and limits that help support your well-being and help you feel comfortable in your relationships (including the one you have with yourself)? Identifying the specific need creates awareness, and being aware of your needs empowers you to meet them.
It’s important to note here that your need could be to heal childhood trauma, move forward after a divorce, or feel safe after an assault. Your need can be physical, emotional, or related to your mental health. Boundaries are part of the process, no matter what healing journey you are on.
Decide on an action. A boundary is an action word. You do not have a boundary unless an action is assigned to it. “I’m tired of doing everything myself” is not a boundary. “You always come over unannounced” is not a boundary. “I don’t appreciate everyone giving opinions on my marriage” is not a boundary. There should be action directed toward your need, and it shouldn’t be totally dependent on the participation of someone else. You can make requests and suggestions that include the people you are in a relationship with, but to ensure that your needs are met, you must be willing to take the action yourself.
If you need more time to yourself, you might consider asking your spouse or partner to assist you by taking responsibility for your shared children. But you still need to identify the action you will take if they say “no.” You may have to enlist the help of another family member, pay for a babysitter yourself, or wake up earlier in the morning to have time alone. After you’ve decided the action you are willing to take if your spouse is unable or unwilling to help out, try talking through your expectations of the experience and the responsibilities you need to prioritize.
It’s essential to take this action in your boundaries with yourself too. The action might look like leaving work at your designated end time, saying “no” to babysitting your niece when you are not up to it, asking someone to pronounce your name correctly, or asking to have your morning coffee remade if the order was incorrect.
Communicate the boundary. If it’s not said, it’s not seen. People cannot read your mind. Sighs, moans, shoulder shrugs, and eye rolls are not mature forms of communication. To set a boundary, you must be direct in the way you communicate the action needed. “I wish you wouldn’t speak to me that way” is not a boundary. “I will not continue this conversation with you if you continue to speak to me that way” is a boundary. And make sure that once you’ve voiced the boundary, you are prepared to follow through with the consequential action.
Here Are Some Powerful Truths to Remember
•You are responsible for your own boundaries.
•You may never feel totally comfortable setting a boundary, but you can learn to do it with more ease.
•Waiting to set a boundary until there is a problem can create more problems.
•You may have to give the people in your life some time to adjust to new boundaries.
•When you honor your boundaries, so will everyone else (even if honoring them looks like agreeing or accepting that the relationship needs to end).
•You can’t get mad at someone for crossing a boundary you never set.
Prompts for Setting Boundaries
In what areas of your life do you need to establish a boundary? Where do you struggle to say “no”? Is there a family member who keeps testing your limits? Are you experiencing burnout? Do you need to set limits with yourself?
Why do you need to set a boundary? Will setting a boundary improve your relationship with your spouse or partner? Will setting a boundary improve your health? Will financial boundaries help you meet a specific goal?
What does setting boundaries look like? Will you not answer a call from an emotionally abusive relative? Will you have a money or parenting talk with a spouse or partner? Will you ask for time off from your job?
How will you practice the habit of setting boundaries today, this week, and/or this month? What are the actions you can commit to doing? Can you create a family schedule that includes your alone time, hours you will be available for helping others, and times you will request help from someone else? Will you say “no” to lending money to a friend?
Use the Space Below to Work Through the Prompts on Your Own
Need:
Why do I need to do this?
Healing Habits:
Practices/Action:
Affirmations for Setting Boundaries
Say this out loud with me:
I am allowed to say “no” to things I don’t have the capacity for.
I will respect my limits.
I will use my voice to state my needs.
The more I practice enforcing my boundaries, the easier it will be.
My boundaries keep me safe and supported.
Chapter 9
The Habit of Not Settling: How Remembering Who You Are Heals Your Relationship with Possibility
I have been an encourager of sorts for as long as I can remember. I encouraged my parents, my friends’ parents, and even my fourth-grade teacher, Ms. Vee.
Within the first couple of weeks of school, Ms. Vee moved my desk right next to hers. Her plan was to keep me away from distractions, since I tended to talk a lot in class. Within two weeks, we had gotten close. I had gained the unofficial title of her “student therapist.”
While other students used their free time to play and talk among themselves, I listened to Ms. Vee share her relationship woes. She was in her mid-twenties and discouraged because she didn’t have a lot of dating prospects. The few dates I remember us talking about were arranged by her friends and never turned into something serious. As Ms. Vee confided in me, I was somehow able to encourage her not to settle in her dating relationships, not to appear desperate, and not to allow her family to project their beliefs onto her. At just nine years old, I know I didn’t use those exact words, but looking back, those were the messages that always seemed to get through.
There is one conversation I will always remember from one of our unofficial sessions. Ms. Vee’s brother, who was married with kids, had just purchased a beautiful home with a pool in the backyard. I remember driving by that house many times as a kid, staring in admiration. It was the literal “house with a white picket fence” everyone dreamed of owning one day. From our talks, I knew that Ms. Vee dreamed of that. She wanted the house, the white picket fence, the marriage, and the babies. But at that moment, all she had was herself and her students.
On that particular day, Ms. Vee was venting about how her current situation wasn’t good enough for her parents because they thought she should have been married by then. Ms. Vee was a heavier woman who always made fun of her weight and her self-described “bushy Italian eyebrows.” She said that her parents were also constantly criticizing her appearance, as well as the area she lived and worked in. Now she was wondering if these perceived flaws were the reason she was still single.
So, I leaned across my desk to get closer to hers, looked up from my classwork, and said something that only a nine-year-old could pull off: “Ms. Vee, if your parents think you’re ugly, they must be ugly too because kids look like their parents.” She laughed out loud. I added, “The next time they make you feel ugly, tell them what I said.”
Ms. Vee was an excellent teacher. She made learning fun and accessible. She was firm and effective, empathetic and inspiring. But the pressure Ms. Vee’s family put on her to get married and have children made her forget that her mission to help at-risk youth like me was just as valuable. Their projections, opinions, and criticism created a narrative that made her feel as if she wasn’t good enough—and she started to mistake it for the truth.
After leaving school, I kept in touch with Ms. Vee for a few years. She needed to know that her work was in fact as valuable as she thought it was, and that I was a living, breathing record of her success.
