Habits for Healing, page 4
In the most basic sense, holding on fulfills a need. We need to win, survive, be loved, and feel connected. Holding on to things, situations, and especially people fulfills our need for certainty and security, among other necessities. Those needs don’t disappear just because what we use to fill them no longer works for us. We make it about the people and the things because they are easily identifiable, something we can easily grasp and hold on to. Truthfully, the issue is about how those people and things fulfill our needs.
I’ve evolved from saying “let go” to sometimes saying “release.” When you release something, you set it free from confinement, allowing it to move, act, and flow as it pleases. It even sounds more positive—more poetic—when you say it out loud. There are some things (or people) I need to release.
Why Letting Go Matters
We let go to free ourselves from the emotional baggage that weighs us down and keeps us stuck in the past. We let go to give ourselves the physical and emotional space to welcome things that enhance our lives. We let go to build resilience and improve our mental health.
There are some things you need to let go of if you want to reach your full potential. When we normalize the habit of letting go of things that no longer align with who we are, we set ourselves free to experience the things that do. Letting go isn’t about quitting, failing, or losing who you once were. Letting go is about doing what you have to do to meet your own needs—in healthier ways—so you can live a better life.
Though the process of letting go can be layered and complicated, knowing when to let go is simple. When you have to betray yourself to hold on, it’s time to let go.
Some habits we hold on to and how they betray us
•Replaying past scenarios in your head. This habit is common for those who are looking for ways to re-create the outcome. By holding on to the story, you think you are controlling the narrative or adjusting the truth, but what you are doing is (a) reinjuring yourself emotionally, which causes more hurt, and (b) staying stuck in an unchangeable loop instead of freeing yourself up for other things. By choosing to let go, you give yourself closure.
•Holding a grudge or seeking retribution. Anger and frustration are inevitable emotions when it comes to a bad breakup, friendship betrayal, or lost professional opportunity. But hanging on to those feelings long after the event has passed isn’t healthy for your mind, body, or spirit. Stubbornness or revenge don’t move you forward. Choosing to process your experience, glean whatever lesson or wisdom you can from it, and give yourself permission to experience something better is the real flex.
•Putting a temporary fix on a permanent problem. When someone is resistant to letting go, they may try to fix something that is actually finished. This could range from a dead-end job to a broken relationship. Some people will suffer through financial deficit or even emotional neglect just to hold out hope for something they can’t let go of. By being honest about your problem and surrendering your hold, you take back control of your life and clear a path for a replacement.
What Letting Go Heals in Us
Sometime after my high school breakup, I was watching an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show when I heard her say, “I won’t let myself want anyone who doesn’t want me.” I said, Amen! out loud as if I was sitting in the first pew in church on Sunday. I repeated what Oprah said: I won’t let myself want anyone who doesn’t want me. With that small emotional release, I began a process of letting go.
Letting go breaks your attachment to anyone or anything that keeps you from moving forward with your life.
It is hard to accept that what you want doesn’t want you back. But when you let go, relinquishing your attachment to things that are not in your best interest, you are sending a message to love, success, and goodness that you are open, ready, and worthy to receive what is.
Here is an exercise that will help you practice emotionally letting go. Take a moment here to reflect on the things you need to emotionally release and complete the prompt aloud or in your journal. You can take some time now to repeat this practice or come back to it later:
I won’t let myself want __________ because I am worthy of ___________.
Letting Go and Your Purpose
Letting go of things that no longer serve us takes us one step closer to reclaiming our purpose. Once your sense of worthiness is restored, you are empowered to be hopeful about the future. Holding on keeps you chained to the past. Letting go gives you the freedom to focus on the things that are actually for you.
When your life is cluttered with hurtful memories, feelings of resentment or bitterness, or attachments that keep you stuck in old patterns of behavior, you are unable to distinguish between things that contribute to your purpose and things that threaten it.
I learned about something called psychological fortitude (PF)—which I had been calling emotional fortitude—from my friend Dr. Rheeda Walker. Our PF is our ability to take care of our daily needs. One of the biggest hindrances to doing that, and one of the biggest hindrances to becoming the best versions of ourselves (my definition of purpose), is distractions. When you release things that no longer serve you, you declutter the path of your life. The habit of letting go keeps us from being distracted by the past. You reclaim your purpose when you are focused on things that are in your best interest.
Four Steps to Begin the Healthy Habit of Letting Go
Everything in life has an expiration date. As we move from one version of ourselves to the next, we must let go of things that may have supported, validated, and served us in the past, and embrace what represents who we want to be today. Begin the process of letting go by taking these steps:
Exchange your negative emotions for healthier ones. We’ve talked about the difficulty of letting go; now let’s discuss how painful it can be to hold on. It is stressful, draining, and confusing to dwell in an unhappy relationship, job situation, or perpetual state of longing. Consider exchanging those emotions and others like exhaustion, anger, embarrassment, and regret for ease, contentment, admiration, and peace.
Identify one act of letting go to engage in today. That act could be as simple as blocking someone on social media, starting a draft of your letter of resignation (you don’t have to send it until you are in a position to do so), or starting the process of emptying a workspace. After identifying the act, name the feeling that letting go will inspire. Is it relief? Freedom? Excitement? A stronger sense of purpose?
Examine your relationships and how they make you feel. Cultivate a realistic view of the relationship so you are not hyper-focused on just the good. Stop over-romanticizing love. In real life, relationships end. Allow love and relationships to grow, evolve, and expire naturally. Just because it didn’t last doesn’t mean it was never meant to be. And what you lost is not the best you’ll ever have. When you reflect on the truth of the relationship, you may see where you are no longer aligned or have outgrown each other, or how the version of yourself that you are today could benefit from a more supportive or thoughtful partner.
Love when the opportunity presents itself, and let go when it’s time—so a new opportunity can make its way into your life.
When relationships end, it’s helpful to journal your feelings. Process your thoughts and emotions instead of ruminating over them. Speaking (or writing) your thoughts often brings more peace into your life.
Dream of reinventing yourself: Who do you see? Embrace a new skill, talent, or hobby. Immerse yourself in self-discovery. Invite things that align with the new version of yourself. Take an art, dance, or cooking class. Join a book club or community organization. Eventually you will see that by letting go, you are gaining—not losing.
Make a list of accomplishments and add to them. Letting go doesn’t mean you have to leave everything behind. What have you done well? How can you do more of what you are good at?
Engage in mindfulness practices. Stay present through prayer, meditation, and deep breathing.
Give yourself the closure you need to continue moving forward. Closure will look different for everyone, but it’s a universal part of the process of letting go. Decide what closure looks and feels like for you. You might consider performing a ritual. Some people write letters that they burn or throw away. If you are letting go of a relationship, you might choose to have a final conversation that lets the person know exactly how you feel.
What has worked for me is to assign meaning to the experience, knowing that it contributes to my desire to reclaim my purpose. If someone was a good friend to me and we had fun, traveled together, and built memories, I resign it to that season in my life—understanding that seasons change.
What meaning can you assign to the thing you are letting go of? What good memories does it hold? What did you learn or gain from it? Once you uncover the meaning, let it rest.
Prompts for Letting Go
What/who do you need to let go of or release? Consider your relationships, environment, and things from your past. What are you holding on to that no longer serves you? Are you trying to relive something from your past? Are there some things in your life that are not good for your mental and emotional health?
Why do you need to let go? Knowing why will help you focus on the need and not the person or thing that meets or no longer meets the need. Why won’t you throw broken things away? Why is it hard to let go of the relationship? How will letting go change your life?
What does letting go look like for you? What are some items in your home, car, or office that you need to stop hoarding? Are there any broken or unused items that once meant something to you but don’t align with the person you are becoming?
How will you practice the habit of letting go today, this week, and/or this month? What are the actions you can commit to doing? Commit to focusing on your new story and supporting this version of yourself. Create a lifestyle of releasing anything or anyone that no longer meets your needs. Will you remove some people from your contact list? Will you declutter a closet in your home or clean out your garage this week?
* * *
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You are doing the work to reclaim your purpose by letting go. I want you to read through the following out loud with me if you can. Whatever comes to mind as you read through, let this be your sign confirming that it is time to let go.
When you question its place in your life…
When it takes away more than it adds…
When just the thought of letting go gives you a feeling of relief…
When it’s clear that it no longer wants you…
When it stands in the way of your progress…
When it depletes you of your good energy…
When it steals your peace…
When it steals your joy…
When it makes you forget who you are…
When it blocks your blessings…
Let it go.
Use the Space Below to Work Through the Prompts on Your Own
Need:
Why do I need to do this?
Healing Habits:
Practices/Action:
Affirmations for Letting Go
Say this out loud with me:
I reclaim all of my energy from the past.
I honor this version of myself with my whole heart.
I release everything and everyone that has already released me.
I am open to better.
I choose people and things that choose me.
Chapter 3
The Habit of Playing Your Role: How Personal Accountability Heals Our Relationship with Control
I am not perfect. No one is. So when you make a mistake, just admit it and allow yourself to grow from it.
I shared those words with my son after he broke the latest computer screen his father had just purchased for him. He is known for breaking things. For several years in a row, because of that reputation, we did not give him any new gadgets, including the PS5 he was wishing for. He is not the kind of guy who likes to cause trouble; he just somehow found himself in the vicinity of trouble—every week. You know the type.
Still, this year was one of growth for him. I watched as slowly but surely, his attitude started to shift. He was more intentional with the things he carried and tried to take better care of what was already in his possession. The shift began a few months earlier when I introduced him to the concept of impact versus intention—a lesson I had learned the hard way, the day that my dad gave me a hundred dollars to hold for him before the start of one of his baseball games.
Before he went down to the dugout, I asked my dad if I could use some of the money to buy my usual snack of chips and a soda. “Yes, but that’s it,” he said, before running down to start the game. I had to have been young—definitely under nine. And there I was…standing in front of the concession stand with a pocketful of money. A few of my friends came over and needed snacks, so of course I had to hook them up. Then a few of their friends came over and needed snacks too, so I hooked them up. In the moment, I felt like the coolest kid there. And before I knew it, my pocket wasn’t as full anymore. But, hey…at least my friends and I had a time, right?
After playing a long game, my dad was starving. We stopped at McDonald’s to get some food, and he asked for the money he’d given me. I dug in my pockets and gave him what little I had left. As you can imagine, that didn’t go over well. Let’s just say the ball wasn’t the only thing my dad hit that night.
I turned and looked at my son. “I didn’t mean to spend so much money,” I explained. “I only wanted to share what I had with my friends. But sometimes even the best intentions can have a negative impact on others.” As it turns out, most of the money my dad had asked me to hold was supposed to go to my grandmom so she could pay the phone bill. That was my first lesson in personal accountability.
I could see my son internalizing the lesson as he tilted his head and began to nod up and down in agreement. “Intention versus impact. I get it. But, Mom, spending a hundred dollars on junk food for your friends is crazy! Even I know not to do that.” (Says the guy with the reputation…)
There are times when we have a specific idea or plan that negatively impacts someone or something else—even when it was well-intended. We make mistakes that have a lasting financial, physical, or emotional impact on others. There are times when our actions are meant to help and support, but they end up causing harm. No matter the situation, it is important that we accept responsibility and take accountability, even when the intention doesn’t match the outcome.
Personal Accountability Goes Both Ways
Angel was thirteen years old, and his family’s case had been assigned to me by a judge. After a period of intense misbehavior by Angel, his father decided he had done all he could for the boy and walked into his local police precinct, intending to drop him off. Of course, the officers asked for more information. What danger did the young boy pose? What laws had he broken? The father couldn’t think of any broken laws, but he described many instances where Angel didn’t come straight home after school, stayed out past curfew, talked back to him, and even hit him back during a whupping. The father and son were referred to family court, which eventually referred them to me.
Angel’s father was a first-generation Dominican American who worked hard to build a successful contracting business and provide for his family. He was an older man, whose strict views on parenting often collided with the views of his American-born teenage son. By the time I started working with the family, Angel had run away from home several times.
My job was to assess the family’s needs, determine what referrals and resources to provide, create a case plan, and monitor the family’s progress through counseling and training sessions. I decided to meet with Angel first so I could have an objective view of the boy who had overwhelmed his father so much that he thought he could walk into a police station, tell his story, and walk out without Angel.
Angel had a big physical presence—not many thirteen-year-olds are pushing six feet—but he was still unassuming. After he walked in with his head down, greeted me with a soft “hey,” and I started asking him questions, I was surprised at how respectful and self-aware he was.
Here’s what I learned from my session with Angel:
•His father worked between twelve and sixteen hours a day and expected Angel to look out for his mother and siblings during that time.
•Angel couldn’t play sports or hang out with friends because of his responsibilities at home.
•His father was a recovering alcoholic who used to scare the family when he was drunk. Things would often get physical.
•Angel resented his father for the years of alcoholism, his own lack of a social life, and for not being open to understanding his generation/culture.
My session with Angel’s father was brief and to the point. He walked into the conference room with paint and dirt all over his work clothes and boots, greeting me with a look of frustration and defeat.
Here’s what I learned from my session with Angel’s father:
•Angel was the oldest of the four children he’d had with his second (and current) wife.
