White Lies: A gripping psychological thriller with an absolutely brilliant twist, page 7
I took a moment outside Maisie’s room to compose myself before snuggling her down too and singing her songs, as I sat on the floor stroking her hair. She listened contentedly and when I got to my knees to lean over and kiss her good night, whispering ‘best biggest girl’, she wrapped her arms round my neck before gently, ever so softly, kissing my cheek. It was so uncomplicated and pure, it felt almost like a blessing, and I wished with all my heart it could absolve everything. I so badly wanted to be the best version of myself that she believed I was. I thought about how safe my mother had always made me feel, even though there must have been times when she was falling apart inside during the divorce from my dad and, as I left the room, I resolved then and there to do my best – whatever the aftermath – to make everything as bearable as possible for my daughters, and Rob. I wanted, very much, to blame Jonathan’s public kiss for what was going to come but, deep down, I knew my failings were all my own.
* * *
I changed out of my work skirt, top and tights and threw some pyjamas on over my underwear, before going downstairs into the sitting room to find my husband. He was on the sofa, computer on his lap. I sat on the sofa adjacent to him and curled my legs up and under me.
‘All right?’ he said.
‘I need to talk to you, Rob.’ So much for making sure the girls were out. I didn’t know I was going to say it, but the words were there before I realised they would be.
In any event, I was immediately proven to have made the right decision, because Rob replied: ‘Yeah, I know you do.’
He moved the laptop onto a cushion next to him and clasped his hands. ‘There’s a text on your phone from David that says: “I thought you’d told him it was over? Didn’t look like it to me, today. I can’t pretend this isn’t happening”.’ Rob glanced up at me briefly. ‘I went through the messages while you were upstairs because when I came into your room at work today and you weren’t expecting me, there was very obviously something going on between the two of you.’ His voice was flat and quiet. ‘You weren’t with the girls last weekend, were you? You were with David. When you told me you’d slept with someone else, it was actually him, wasn’t it, and now he wants you to leave me?’
For a moment or two, I was dumbstruck. What had we done to each other?
‘He’s always had a thing for you.’
‘He lives with his mother, and I’m almost certain he’s gay.’
‘No, he’s not,’ scoffed Rob.
‘In all the years I’ve known him, not once has he ever talked about a woman. But that’s irrelevant. I really was with the girls in Ibiza. David’s talking about something else.’ I took a deep breath. ‘The man I slept with last Saturday turns out to be a current patient of mine, and he’s seventeen.’
Rob’s mouth fell open. ‘What?’
‘I didn’t know he was my patient or how old he was – obviously, I hope – until today,’ I continued quickly. ‘He came to the surgery this morning using a fake name to get in to see me. Apparently, I’ve treated him before, but I have absolutely no memory of that. Once I realised who he was, I made him aware that I could no longer be his doctor and that he wasn’t to come near me again. That’s what I was discussing with David when you arrived at lunchtime. After I’d finished work, though, he was waiting for me alongside our car. He kissed me, which David witnessed. That’s what David’s text is referring to; he’s going to have no choice but to do something official about it now, after what he saw. This “boy” also told me that unless I had sex with him again, he would tell everyone what we did; so either way, it’s all going to come out.’
Rob closed his eyes, before saying hesitantly: ‘You’ve had sex with a patient who David saw you kissing this afternoon?’
‘No, he was kissing me,’ I corrected instantly. ‘But, yes, he was the one from Ibiza. He says he recognised me in the club but, as far as I was concerned, he was a complete stranger. I was very drunk, but, even so, he didn’t look seventeen in the slightest.’
Rob’s eyes snapped open. ‘That’s supposed to make this better?’
‘No,’ I said quietly. ‘I’m just trying to explain because I can hear how this sounds to you.’
‘Can you?’ His eyebrows lifted. ‘Can you, really? So how do you think I feel right now?’ There was no mistaking the rising anger in his voice.
I took a deep breath. ‘Disgusted, revolted, angry, unable to believe it. All the things I felt when I discovered his actual age.’
‘How could you?’ Rob interrupted. ‘And before you say ANYTHING, Hannah was twenty-six. That’s different to this.’
Thrown by this unexpected comparison, I nonetheless managed to choose my words carefully. ‘I’m not about to do the “men get to sleep with young women, so why shouldn’t women get to sleep with young men” bit,’ I said clearly. ‘Personally, I don’t think it’s OK for anyone of our age to have sex with someone who is emotionally vulnerable, or at the very least impressionable, which I think most young adults are, up until their late twenties.’
‘Oh come, on!’ Rob exclaimed. ‘They’re not even vaguely on the same page!’
‘I’m not actually trying to defend anything. Had I known what I was doing, it would have been a complete abuse of power. But—’ I raised my voice slightly, holding a hand up because Rob was starting to exclaim angrily again, ‘I had no idea. Yes, what I’ve done – albeit unwittingly – makes me feel sick to my stomach. Yes, it’s horrendous that he’s only seventeen but, come on, Rob, you must know I would never, ever have had sex with him if I’d known how old he was? I didn’t actually do anything wrong other than have a one-night stand with a stranger, or so I thought.’
‘He kissed you this afternoon?’ Rob ignored me. ‘I don’t even know how to process this.’ He got up suddenly and started to pace around the room. ‘So…’ I watched him start to do the maths. ‘He’s still at school?’ He looked at me horrified, and I nodded.
‘Jesus fucking Christ, Alex!’ He glanced at me again, as if I might somehow be an imposter sitting in the room who just looked and sounded exactly like his wife of eight years. ‘I can’t believe that you wouldn’t have known; you’ve got eyes, haven’t you? And you must have recognised him.’
‘There are thousands of patients on the surgery books: I see someone every ten minutes at work; plus, I was drunk and, like I said, he looks much older. He’s very tall, he—’
‘No!’ Rob said. ‘I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want detail.’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t want to talk about this any more full stop. I need some space.’
‘We have to talk about it. We need to decide what—’
‘No, we really don’t.’ He started walking towards the door.
‘Rob – wait!’ I jumped up and put my hands out to stop him, but he pushed me to one side and kept going. ‘Please, stop!’ I whispered desperately, tears rushing to my eyes but not wanting to wake the girls with shouting. ‘Please stay and talk to me about this.’ I grabbed onto his arms with both hands, and he started to shake me off.
‘Don’t touch me! You’re a mother, Alex! You’ve got two children yourself.’
‘But when you say you’re going, what do you mean? Going where? Please just stay and hear me out!’ I begged.
‘What more is there to say?’
‘I didn’t know who he was!’ I implored, trying to take his hand. ‘This is me, Rob. I’m your wife!’
‘I said, don’t touch me!’ He stepped back, defensively pulling his hands up high, out of my reach, before putting them on his head, looking at me with wide eyes. ‘I cannot believe this. I just want you to leave me alone.’
‘No!’ I insisted, standing in his way. ‘This isn’t fair. I didn’t do this to you when you told me about Hannah.’
‘She’s an adult, I’m not her doctor and I wasn’t caught in a compromising position with her this afternoon!’ he exclaimed. ‘Excuse me, please.’ He tried to pass again, and once more I blocked his way. ‘I said, get out of my way!’ He raised his voice.
‘Please, shhhh! I don’t want to wake the girls.’ I pleadingly held a finger up to my lips. ‘How many more times can I say it – I didn’t know, but if you leave me now, it’ll make it look like I did. Everyone will believe I’m the person you’re saying I am now. And I’m not! I’m not.’
I lost all control at that point and was so deeply distressed that I started crying in that completely abandoned way that feels scarily child-like because of its lack of boundaries, and for the person watching borders on them wondering if you’ve become dangerously unhinged. I sank to my knees on the carpet, at his feet, and sobbed.
‘Stop it,’ he said, after a moment. ‘I don’t want the kids to hear you like this.’
I wasn’t able to. Everything that had happened in the three weeks since he’d nervously confessed to having sex with Hannah – over breakfast the Saturday morning after the night before, when the girls had just left the table and scampered off into the sitting room to watch TV in their pyjamas, and I’d asked if he wanted another coffee – had crashed over me like a wave and dragged me out to sea. I couldn’t catch my breath.
He looked down at me silently, then stepped past me and left the room, closing the door behind him.
Winded with pain, I collapsed into the foetal position, hugging my knees to my chest as I cried. I saw Hannah’s hard little eyes staring at me in the doorway of her flat and heard Jonathan catching his breath when his lips had touched mine. I was bereft that Rob and I had allowed them into our marriage, and terrified at what now lay ahead.
* * *
I’m not sure how long I lay there, long enough for the tears to simply run out, but eventually I heard the door open again, and a large wodge of loo roll appeared in front of my face. Rob was crouched behind me.
‘Here,’ he said. ‘Take this.’
I reached out and, lifting my head, obediently wiped my eyes, and my nose.
‘Sit up,’ he said, and taking my shoulders, he rocked me upright, then sat down on the carpet, leaning back on the sofa adjacent to me, his hands resting on his knees. We sat in silence for a moment before he asked: ‘Do you swear that you didn’t know who he was in the club?’
‘Of course,’ I said, exhausted.
‘And he kissed you earlier? Not the other way around?’
‘Yes.’
He started twisting his wedding ring. ‘You can’t just tell someone over breakfast, “Oh sorry, I fucked someone else last night”, and not expect it not to have some kind of impact on their behaviour. I shouldn’t have tried to dump my guilt on you about Hannah. I know I’ve hurt you. I made you very angry too, and that’s part of why you did what you did in Ibiza. Mostly I just think this is all such a mess, and I don’t want Maisie and Tilly to suffer because of mistakes we’ve made. It’s not like he was underage and what you did was illegal.’
‘Thank you.’
He exhaled. ‘You don’t have to thank me. We’re married. We’re supposed to support each other. What will happen now?’
I cleared my throat and tried to focus. ‘For me at work, you mean?’
He nodded.
‘Well, unless I can convince David he didn’t see what he thinks he saw, he’ll report me, I expect. I’ll ring him tomorrow, but I’ll have to sit down with him and Cleo on Monday morning and go through it all with them formally, just to cover my back in case this boy comes good on his threat and tells everyone we’ve had sex.’
‘What if David doesn’t believe you?’
‘The process would be the same as when Bella made her complaint about you and me.’ I watched Rob tense at the mention of his ex-wife. ‘It’d go to the Primary Care Trust and the General Medical Council. Unlike last time, because of him being much younger and a current patient, it will be investigated immediately, I imagine. I’d need to contact the MDU for some legal advice. I might be suspended in the interim while the investigation is ongoing and they gather statements from everyone; but I haven’t done anything punishable, so ultimately I don’t see how I could be struck off. It would be massively stressful though.’
‘Fuck,’ he exhaled and let his head drop.
‘I think I just need to talk to David in the first instance.’
‘What’s this boy’s name?’ Rob said.
‘I don’t think I can tell you yet. I’m sorry.’
‘But he threatened to shop you unless you slept with him again?’
‘Yes.’
‘David wouldn’t have heard him?’
‘I don’t see how. He was on the other side of the car park.’
‘Is the warning you got after Bella made the complaint about us still on your record?’
‘Yes.’
We sat there in silence for a moment more as he digested the implications of that.
‘OK. Well, we’ll just have to deal with it as we get there, I guess.’ He held out his hand. I could just about reach it, and we entwined the tips of our fingers. ‘I love you.’
My relief as he said that was immense. ‘I love you too.’
Neither of us moved. I wanted to stay like that forever, safe with him, our babies upstairs asleep in their beds – as if none of it had happened.
‘We need to be a lot better at protecting us,’ he said. ‘You, me, Maisie and Tilly. But we’ll get through this, together. I promise you.’
* * *
I’ve no doubt he meant every word, but sometimes love isn’t enough, no matter how hard you want to believe it will be.
I felt glad to have told him everything, though, and went to bed relieved that there were at least no more surprises to come.
How very naïve I was.
5
Dr Alexandra Inglis
The morning of Monday, 18 September was one of those clear, bright blue sky days that gives everyone hope winter is still way off after all, and the supermarkets are just being ridiculous in already stocking gingerbread biscuits iced with pumpkins and ghosts, plastic spiders, light-up eyeballs and trick-or-treat buckets. I’d dressed carefully in a navy trouser suit with a bright red top to help me feel stronger than I felt and had got up early to wash my hair and dry it properly. I wanted at the very least to look professional when I spoke to David and Cleo about Jonathan’s Friday surgery visit and the unwanted kiss.
Stood with my back to the kitchen table while I stared out of the window into the garden and tried to gather my thoughts, I sipped my coffee apprehensively. Rob was attempting to get Maisie and Tilly started on their raisin wheat, although both girls were crossly registering their complaints about missing the rest of the episode of Paw Patrol he’d not allowed them to pause. I stared silently at our holly tree. Contrasted against the sky, the glossy green leaves and already shiny scarlet berries reminded me – not for the first time – of a painting that had hung for years in my grandfather’s house: a Naïf Vermont winter landscape of children bringing home a Christmas tree on a sled and ice skaters twirling on a frozen lake. I used to want to live in that picture and run through the unblemished snow past the little weather-boarded church to the cosy hay barn and play inside.
‘We should all go to New England next autumn for a holiday,’ I said suddenly. ‘I’ve always wanted to see the woodland colours in the fall.’
Rob straightened up and looked at me, worriedly. ‘OK. Why not? Sounds fun.’ He cleared his throat. ‘You all right?’
I nodded. ‘All good.’ I put my cup down on the draining board and turned to face my girls. ‘Right, sweethearts, I’m going to go to work now. Daddy’s going to take you to school and I’ll come and collect you later. Have a lovely day, won’t you?’ I bent to kiss the top of Maisie’s golden-haired head and breathed in the scent of the Johnson’s shampoo I still used on both of them. I had a sudden urge to stay at home with them, for all four of us to go and do something completely different with such a rare, beautiful day; one we’d remember for all of the right reasons.
I crossed round the table to Tilly, who leant her head back blissfully and closed her eyes to receive my kiss on her soft forehead, before twisting round while still clutching a dripping, milky spoon, arms open wide. ‘Hug me, Mummy!’ she offered generously.
I couldn’t possibly refuse but eyed her spoon warily. ‘Thank you, darling, what a lovely goodbye.’ After a snuggle for her, and one for Maisie too – who wasn’t about to miss out on anything Tilly was getting – I inspected myself anxiously, all of my thoughts and fears temporarily replaced by the simple challenge of getting out of the front door without needing to change again. I glanced up at Rob. ‘Do I look OK?’
‘Perfect.’ He pulled me into a hug, creasing my jacket, but I managed not to say anything, and instead, gratefully took the support in the spirit it was given. ‘Call me at lunchtime, hey?’ He looked at me pointedly, and I nodded. We both knew I’d have something to report by then.
I’d had a long telephone conversation over the weekend with David, who had at first been briskly, almost icily matter of fact. I’d implored him to give me the chance to talk to him as a friend rather than a colleague – and as we spoke, he began to thaw, until to my huge relief he’d started to sound like his normal self again. He hadn’t heard Jonathan blackmail me but was appalled when I told him exactly what Jonathan had wanted in return for his silence.
‘What the fuck is wrong with kids these days? It’s all about sex now, isn’t it? Sexting, watching porn on their phones, child on child sex offences on the rise. Jesus Christ! What have we all let happen to this generation?’ He paused, genuinely bewildered, before adding quickly: ‘Not that I’m saying you saw him as a child. Sorry, that wasn’t helpful.’
‘It’s fine. I’m just relieved you understand that there is NOTHING going on between us, and what you saw was him forcing himself on me.’
‘I think that’s actually the point there, Alex,’ David said suddenly. ‘I made a massive assumption based on what I thought I saw, but he came to your place of work, and after you’d told him to leave he still hid behind your car and waited for you, threatened you unless you slept with him again, grabbed your wrist to restrain you and foisted unwanted sexual contact on you. Just because a woman chooses to have sex with someone once does not give said person the right to assume any kind of relationship or contact after that. And yes, he’s seventeen, but he’s also physically able to overpower you and old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. He knew it was wrong to try and blackmail you like that. Let’s formally document everything with Cleo on Monday morning, so that if he comes back and starts harassing you again, we’ve got a record of everything. Hopefully we won’t ever need it as evidence, but I don’t want to take the chance. I’m so sorry that I leapt to the conclusion I did and I didn’t immediately support and protect you, as I should have.’
