Temper: Deliverance: Book Three of the TEMPER Saga, page 16
Lana wrung her hands and glanced sideways at the shrine. “But does she even want this from me? She didn’t like me. One bit. She wanted me gone, remember? And me becoming your wife… that didn’t sit well with her at all.”
The pressure of his fingers on his chin increased, and for a brief second, Lana wished with all her heart they were elsewhere, doing something else that would bring her real comfort.
“She accepted it at the end. Accepted you, at my side. She didn’t have to like you. You earned much more than her appreciation: her respect. Through your resilience, your acts, your will to fight.”
Nakazawa cleared his throat. “Son, I’m going to grab that bottle of priceless shochu of yours. I’ll save you a glass, you know where to find me. Help my daughter find some peace of mind, will you? You never had any problem doing this. To my eternal surprise.” He smirked at the shocked looks on Lana’s and Honda’s face. “What? How else am I supposed to call the wife of one my children, let alone two of them? Think whatever you want of me, but even I won’t oppose a heavenly decree.”
He walked back into the house, leaving the stunned couple gaping at him.
“Miracles, indeed…” Lana whispered.
“Yes, but this one is on you. Yuki’s deep sorrow during those weeks of uncertainty shook him to the core. Both of us were frightened by her bottomless grief. He could no longer deny the reality and intensity of her love for you, and what you mean to her.” Honda cupped her cheek and landed a soft kiss on her lips. “Calling me ‘son’ will always be a chore for him, but he sees you sincerely as a daughter.”
Emotions all over the place, Lana rested her brow on his chest, wishing his kiss had lasted longer and been more passionate than comforting. His arms went around her, and they remained locked like this for a long while, with white and pale pink petals falling on their heads.
“She woke me up,” Lana said at last. “I barely remember my dreams or nightmares during that time, but the very last one that made me open my eyes? I was… somewhere and so was she. God-like tall, awesome and frightening. Screaming at me to wake up and fight.” Another long silence. “How fitting that all of this ended like it began: at the hand of a mother. I still can’t wrap my head around all of this; especially our bond. How we were first connected to each other, how we ended up being each other’s way out. It’s frightening. We are nothing but pawns; all of this was somehow ordained.”
Honda’s embrace tightened, and his lips brushed the top of her head. “I don’t think we are mindless puppets playing the parts of a story, without any way to influence the outcome. Quite the opposite. I think our choices, our decisions – even the bad ones – made this happen. That… and of course some extra help.”
His shoulder hid her smile, and she glanced up. Her heart clenched at the signs of his own ordeal carved on his face. If possible, they made him even more handsome and dignified, but she wished with all her heart that she could make them disappear and ease whatever burden was still pressing on his shoulders. But to her relief, she found the same steel, the same energy as before was shining in his eyes.
She licked her lips, unsure about her next question. “How… how are you doing?”
“The two loves of my life are at my side, and my son is sleeping peacefully on his little futon. I am fine, Lana san.”
She didn’t doubt the sincerity of his words, but this had been too quick. She tilted her head and quirked a skeptical eyebrow. A typical bullshit answer from a man.
His body tensed under her gaze. Lips pinched, eyes narrowed at her silent challenge, he stepped back, putting back some proper distance again between them. But before they could continue their slippery conversation about the scandalous topic of his emotional state, movement near the shrine caught their attention, and they both gasped.
“A snake!” Lana shrieked. It was long and thick, but even more impressive, it was white. It slid down the shrine before disappearing in the thick bushes of the garden’s borders.
“Not any kind of snake, Lana san,” Honda whispered, awestruck. “White snakes are holy, they are the messengers of the O-Benzaiten sama. They bring good luck.” He grabbed her hand and squeezed it, before releasing a long breath. “Let’s do this together. Like at the shrine. Let’s express together our humble gratitude to my… our mother. Let’s pray for her peaceful rest and continuous protection.”
17 - Mending Wounds
Golden Week was upon them again, and like most people in Japan, the family came together to enjoy this string of national holidays that celebrated the return of warmer days in early May. Joined by Gabriella, they had gathered for an informal lunch and a tranquil afternoon. The breeze drifting in through the open windows offset the heat. After the dishes had been cleared, the low dinner table was pushed closer to the panel windows to offer a relaxing view of the vibrant garden, but not everybody enjoyed the peaceful mood.
With a muffled groan of exasperation, Gabriella crushed her sheet of paper into a ball.
“Yuki san, I need your help,” she sighed. “I can’t make those table plans work. I can’t figure out who is supposed to sit where and with whom.”
“It’s a delicate dance, for sure, but wasn’t this done last winter?”
“Yes, but we have to start from scratch. Last year, we managed to avoid going big. But now that we have a bit more time on our hands… everything’s getting so much more complicated.”
“Shouldn’t Yoshiro’s mother help you with this?” Lana asked from behind her novel, laying on her stomach on the tatami. Isao played with his hands and a stuffed penguin on a pile of cushions next to her.
Gabriella couldn’t help a grimace. “Let’s not talk about this, please. Handling his mother is Yoshiro’s job, and that’s what he’s busy doing today. She hasn’t forgiven me for postponing. I’m lucky she’s still talking to me.”
Yuki gave the brunette an indulgent smile. “Can you tell me who is who, in relation to your in-laws? I should be able to sort the major priorities.”
“Oh, that would be lovely, thank you! I’ll take care of the Italian side. Not that it’s a walk in the park either. My two uncles hate each other but insisted on coming anyway. And I don’t know what to do with my aunt’s new husband. He’s a walking timebomb as soon as he drinks one glass of wine, but I can’t ask her to leave him home.”
“Really?” Lana said, approaching the table on all fours to look at the messy draft Gabriella had started again. “If the guy is such a pain…”
“Nah, my father would blow a fuse, and it’s already hard enough for him to accept we’re not doing a full-blown Catholic ceremony.”
“My, it seems like this wedding is an uphill battle,” Nakazawa commented from the other end of the table, not bothering to look up from the Go board. “Should it really go on its way with so many forces mounting against it?”
“Haven’t you heard, Nakawaza san? Open conflict against your parents is the best way to strengthen bonds with your partner!” Gabriella said with a chuckle.
Lana had to bite her tongue not to snort aloud at her friend’s perfect blow, while Yuki buried her nose in her cup to hide her smirk.
“Otoh sama, your turn,” Honda cut in to draw Nakazawa’s attention back to the game board, but it didn’t work.
The older man pierced Gabriella with a look that usually petrified his subordinates, only to let out a raspy chuckle.
“Young lady, be careful. Happy brides-to-be aren’t supposed to be such playful teases.”
Saving the day, Isao began to fuss on his back, making small noises that Lana recognized.
“I’ll be right back, caro mio, let me grab a bottle in the kitchen.”
“Look at this, who do we have here? A hungry little boy? But this little pumpkin is always hungry!” When she came back from the kitchen, Lana smiled at the pure joy on Yuki’s face as her wife tickled their son and blew raspberries on his tummy, making him laugh and squeal with glee. She sat at the table and took Isao in her arms.
“Seeing you like this, Lana san, so engrossed and delighted by such mundane activities, I wonder if my internationalization department will ever see the day,” her father-in-law pointed out as he captured three of Honda’s black stones.
“Have no fear, otoh sama. I can’t wait to get back to work and fire up those neurons of mine. Please wait a few more months, though. I’m still so tired. It wouldn’t do the company any good if I fell asleep on my desk at two in the afternoon.”
“Good to hear. Don’t forget that spite of yours, please. I wouldn’t be so pleased to see that motherhood washed away your killer instincts and softened that sharp tongue.” Honda growled something unintelligible under his breath. “Oh, don’t fret, Son. Contrary to you, your wife has figured out how to work with me… in a perfectly safe way.”
Before Honda could come up with a reply that would have brought an end to months of relative peace, Gabriella’s phone vibrated on the dining table.
“Oh, I hope it’s Yoshiro.” But from excited, her face turned concerned. “Ah… how could I even forget about this?”
Putting back the bottle on the table, Lana placed Isao on her shoulder to make him burp, with a critical look at his green onesie. Time to change sizes already.
“What’s wrong?”
Her friend darted a side glance at Yuki. “Did you get a chance to talk with Lana about this yet?” She showed her the phone.
Yuki sighed and shook her head. “No, my apologies, it slipped my mind.”
Lost, Lana stared at the two women expectantly. “Mind telling me what’s going on?”
Gabriella sighed. “Right. Well, here’s what happened. Maybe two weeks after you were hospitalized, and because nobody had a clue when or even if you would wake up, I contacted your father. With the approval of Yuki san and Sensei,” she hastened to add. Lana froze and blinked, mouth suddenly dry. Her arms tightened on their own around Isao. “We talked about this, the three of us. I thought that he needed to be made aware of the situation. Given that you guys still get in touch now and then.”
Still silent, Lana stared at the table. Frustration, anger and other emotions she couldn’t name swirled in her heart, but she pushed them down. This wasn’t the right time and place to lash out. Not with Nakazawa in the room. Not with Isao in her arms. Not when she felt so bone-tired. Not with nerves ready to snap.
They thought it was a good idea. I can’t blame them.
“I see,” she croaked. “What’s done is done. And yeah, I contacted him to let him know about my pregnancy back in September. So why not? I guess it’s good you did. But then, he didn’t even bother to show up, right? Or did I miss something?”
Gabriella winced. “When we talked, he was honestly sad and shocked, cara mia. But he told me he couldn’t make the trip before April.”
Lana let out a mirthless laugh and rolled her eyes. “Putain. Toujours les mêmes conneries,” she swore in French. It felt only natural whenever the topic of her father came up. “And we’re now in May, aren’t we? Why am I not even surprised? So, what’s this?” She pointed at the phone.
Gabriella slid it on the table. “See for yourself.”
Lana glanced at the message in English that Pierre Martin had sent to her friend and let out a bitter chuckle.
“Can you even believe this? Bordel, c’est énorme.” She sighed and shook her head. “Sorry, tell him it won’t work. I’m not going all the way to Narita airport with Isao to catch up with him between two flights. He wants to see us? He can put his sorry –” she caught herself and took a deep breath. “He can take twelve hours off to come downtown. And come on! Look at this, he’s proposing a date in July.”
Honda glanced up from the Go board. “Lana san, you need to accept his invitation and go over there.”
“No, I don’t,” Lana snapped without sparing him a look, moving Isao back in her arms to let him finish his bottle.
Heavy silence fell on the room, only broken by the suction noises of a hungry baby. Four pairs of disapproving eyes drilled holes in her head. Or maybe three, because she could bet Gabriella was busy staring at her nails, wishing she could beam up anywhere else. Her vision blurred, and she breathed through her nose to keep her composure, before clearing her throat.
Calm down. They don’t know.
“My apologies, goshujin sama,” she whispered, not trusting her voice. “But I’ve dealt with this behavior all my life. In Italy. In Canada. If he couldn’t bother to come to check on me during my time at the hospital, I don’t see why I should… accommodate his work schedule. I don’t owe him that. Actually, I owe him nothing.” She met Honda’s glare and didn’t look away.
“Nothing except the basic courtesy owed to one’s parent.” Nakazawa tutted and drained his cup of tea.
Lana’s shoulders tensed, and her head whipped toward the man who had become more than a symbolic father figure. A dangerous one right enough, but real.
Stay out of this discussion! The words didn’t pass her lips, though.
“Indeed,” Honda said, and it never ceased to amaze her that these two could agree on anything. “But more than this, Lana san, you should know by now that resentment and miscommunication can lead to tragedy and bitter regrets.”
His words pierced Lana like sharp blades. They hurt even more as he spoke without condemnation or anger; only calm, utter certitude.
“I will not pretend I know the extent of the damage between you and your father. But if there is a chance to mend this, don’t let it pass because of poor timing and location.”
A rush of anger mixed with shame and sadness turned her face crimson, and she struggled to find her words.
“The man wants to meet his grandson who barely made it,” Nakazawa said, but this time surprising kindness warmed his voice. “He messed up his relationship with you; give him a chance to make it right with your child.”
Gabriella pat her hand. “Cara mia, he’s not her…” she whispered in Italian, not bothering to hide her own anguish. Lana took her hand back with a brusque gesture, and squeezed her eyes shut.
Are they all done ganging up against me, or what?
“All of these are good and powerful reasons, but at the end, it should be Lana’s decision and we have to respect it,” Yuki’s sweet, composed voice rang in her ears. “Goshujin sama, otoh sama, you are right, of course, but please avoid projecting your own regrets on her.”
“I don’t –”
“This is not –” The two men protested at the same time.
The deep understanding ringing in Yuki’s voice uncoiled tight knots in Lana’s guts, and she could breathe properly again.
Admit it. They’ve got a point. If only I weren’t so exhausted...
“It’s all right, it’s fine… My apologies for my abrupt reaction. Yes, those are excellent reasons indeed. I suppose it’s time for a fresh start. After all, I...” – died! – “almost didn’t make it. And for all his faults and shortcomings, my father never meant to hurt me. I guess I’ll go then.”
Honda’s lips pulled into an encouraging smile and warmth softened his eyes. “We will come with you.”
“Yes, of course we will. Unless you prefer I don’t?” Yuki asked, careful.
“Oh no, please do. If he wants to see his grandson, he will accept all of his parents. It’s a make-or-break deal.”
A large, dangerous grin stretched Nakazawa’s mouth. “That’s my daughter.”
Lana smirked back, mutual understanding flashed between them. Now and then, his caustic attitude was welcome. It felt good to have more leeway than usual for her take-no-prisoner attitude to express itself, and now that their personal relationship was in a clear box that left no space for doubt and double-entendre, expressing it was less risky than before. Whatever Honda’s gut reaction to it. But the fact her husband wasn’t having a massive fit showed that he was slowly coming to terms with it.
The tell-tale sensation of a small and warm body relaxing in her arms moved her mind back to more important topics. Done with his dinner, Isao had fallen asleep, his plump little frame nested against her. Once again, she was humbled by the fierce love that bloomed inside her.
My love. So precious.
“I’ll put Isao to bed,” she announced while standing up. “With any chance, he’ll sleep a few hours.”
Back in her room, Lana placed the sleeping child on the small futon next to hers. He didn’t even bat a lash, lost as he was in the sweet dreamland of babies. Since the day she had come home, he had slept in her room. Moving him to his own would come soon enough, but for now she couldn’t see herself getting any kind of rest if he was somewhere else at night. Her spouses hadn’t protested; this was in perfect line with the Japanese way.
Watching him sleep was always a source of peaceful relaxation and deep contentment. Lana lay on her side, placing a careful finger in his open palm that he grabbed tightly, and shut her eyes; quickly, she was on the brink of sleep.
To her dismay, troubled thoughts kept her awake. The same ones that plagued her nights when she was alone with herself with no outside interference to keep her busy. A low-burning anxiety that she couldn’t shake off, stirred up by Nakazawa’s words.
Who have I become?
‘Killer instincts and sharp tongue.’ A good way as any to describe her before. But now? There was no point lying. Gone was the constant irritation burning inside her that would often spread like wildfire and explode in fierce rage. The lack of patience which made her snap so quickly. But so was the energy she had relied on all those years to topple down hurdles, and swat away opponents. The power Honda had helped her harness by teaching her discipline and self-control in his most personal way.
Only exhaustion remained, not only because of nights interrupted by bottles and diaper changes. It was tainted by sadness and an incredible, befuddling feeling of loss, even though she had never had so many reasons to be happy. And she was! She had it all: two partners she loved fiercely and who loved her back, each in their own way, a sweet baby, a challenging and exciting job ahead of her, loyal friends, a newfound family who accepted her.
