Temper: Deliverance: Book Three of the TEMPER Saga, page 15
“Yes. She was so distraught. I can still see her in that gloomy waiting room, struggling, unable to pick up the pen, saying over and over that it wasn’t supposed to be like that, that she wanted you to become his mother first…” Gabriella’s voice broke. “But we all told her that this was the right thing to do. Sensei, me, even her father. I hope… I hope we were right?”
Lana smiled and grabbed her hand’s friend. “Yes, you were. This is good. I’m so glad she signed those papers, that’s why I prepared them in the first place. Especially given that… well… did they tell you about the three of us?” she probed, hesitant, as they now trod in more sensitive waters.
Gabriella frowned and nodded. “Yes. Well, Yuki san told me you married them both? In a shrine? I… I didn’t want to press for details at the time, but I’m still baffled. I mean, I’m delighted for you, for the three of you, but when we spoke, you had been battling with his mother, everything was going to hell, and then, a few hours later you got married? Over there? And you didn’t even text me about this? Were you all assaulted right after that? I never dared ask Yuki san for more details, even less sensei, with his mother and all… Poor man.”
Lana closed briefly her eyes and pinched her lips. She was drained. Exhaustion and emotions were catching up with her, but it wasn’t the time for rest.
“Yes… all of this happened in that order. But the details, cara mia…” She took her friend’s hands in hers and collected her courage. “They couldn’t tell you the whole story. Don’t blame them. I should have told you everything sooner. The truth is awful, darling, beyond what you can imagine, and it all began in Italy.”
15 - Getting to Know Each Other
“Isao, caro mio, stop making such a fuss…” The baby’s wails redoubled, reaching new heights. Lana winced and wished her hands were free to cover her ears. At the same time, given how Isao wriggled in her arms, she was scared to death he’d end up on the floor of the bathroom anytime now.
“Sweety, you need this shower! You’re covered from legs to neck with poop!”
Her voice was drowned by her son’s amazing and nerve-wrecking cries that were slowly but surely bringing her to the brink of total meltdown.
She sighed; there was no other option. Scrunching her nose, fighting against a wave of nausea, she held her son against her with one hand, while fumbling with the showerhead. The yellowish, semi-liquid granulated horror splattered against her shirt.
Well, I didn’t like it so much anyway.
If only her arms weren’t so weak. Struggling against her son was an uphill battle, and a glance at the wall mirror told her she was losing. Her shirt was history. Her jeans were folded up over her calves, her hair was all over the place, and there was more water on her than on the poop-machine she had created.
How does he manage to make so much of that stuff? Thank goodness it doesn’t stink like solid-food poop. I’d be puking all over the place by now.
Her nerves and the ridiculous image this summoned made her snort. “What a beautiful team we’d make, right? Painting the whole bathroom yellow...”
But Isao was busy screaming his refusal at getting all wet – or maybe his anger at being dirty and naked and cold. Or both.
“You could use another pair of hands.”
Lana jumped out of her skin and swirled on her heels to face the man who bore half of the responsibility for the catastrophe at hand.
Her husband stood on the threshold of the shower and bath unit, arms crossed over his chest. His twitching mouth betrayed his struggle to keep a straight face. She threw him a black stare, more than a little annoyed at being caught so helpless and useless, but there was no point denying she was in a bad spot.
“Yes, I think I do. How… Is this always like this? Does he hate bathing so much? Is it me? What am I doing wrong?” There was no hiding the hint of despair and despondency in her voice. She had been home only one week, and the sheer number of things she had to catch up and learn with Isao made her head spin and her heart break.
“This is not his favorite past-time, no. But I discovered a good way to make it work. Let me show you.”
To her surprise, Honda took off his clothes, folded them in the changing room and naked, joined them inside the shower and bath section.
“Ah careful, the floor is a mess…” she grumbled, staring at her feet. Contrary to her, the previous months hadn’t taken a toll on his muscled and thick frame.
Uh. Not exactly the right time to be reminded of how much you drool over his body.
“Don’t worry, this is not the first time this happened. May I?” her husband asked, reaching out for their son who was still gracing them with the power of his lungs, and flailed his arms and legs like a fledgling dragon about to take off.
Lana shrugged and handed the child to his father. Honda sat on his favorite wooden stool and turned Isao face down, so that he lay astride his forearm, head nested in the crook of his elbow.
She stifled a groan; in black and white, the scene would have come straight out of a magazine extolling male power. A lion and his cub. Their little one was so tiny, and Honda’s arm was… well…
Frigging big and how could I ever forget the man has any wrist to speak of?
She blinked; Isao had turned completely silent and was now staring at her with round, happy eyes, delighted by his new position. She gaped at her husband who gave his son a gentle smile.
“I believe his stomach hurts. Maybe cramps or gas. This is why he is so agitated. It used to be much more frequent, actually. I found out this position helps him a lot.”
With a sigh, Lana sat on the edge of the wooden tub and grabbed the showerhead. She adjusted the temperature and pressure and began to clean the floor.
“So many things I have to learn…”
Honda took a large yellow sponge and soaked it up, adding a small amount of baby soap. He began to clean their baby with gentle moves that reflected all the care and deep love he had for their son.
“It is a hard and long curve, Lana san. Giving birth to a new human being does not make you an expert of it in the next second.”
A half-smile pulled at her lips. “Oh, you’re not with the crowd of ‘instant motherhood instincts and skills’? That’s a relief.”
He glanced up at her and shook his head. “There is no such thing as instant knowledge in anything. And understanding what a newborn wants is far more complex than any scientific field or martial arts. You might want to clean this, too?”
Lana sighed and gave a dejected look at her shirt, before removing it, ending up in her light blue bra. She rinsed it off, before doing the same with Isao’s ruined onesie she had thrown on the floor when she had come running in there half an hour earlier. The entire bathroom would have to be bleached afterward.
“It must have been so hard for Yuki sama and you… I mean, Isao is still not entirely out of the woods, and you had to handle all of his medical issues. I wish I had been there to help, I’m so sorry.”
“Lana san, are you apologizing because–” Honda exclaimed, before taking a deep breath and locking eyes with her. “You died, were resuscitated thanks to divine intervention and then fell into a coma? You have said some outrageous things in the past, but this trumps them all.”
She blushed and bit her lip. “I… no… of course not…” Hanging her head low, her voice turned into a whisper, and she scrubbed the onesie with more energy than warranted. “What I meant was, I wish everything had gone differently. That he had been born on his due date, that you and Yuki sama were spared all of this heartache and worry, and that I could breastfeed him like I had hoped to. A mother’s milk is easier on the stomach than powdered milk...”
She took a deep breath after her long rant, expecting some sort of rebuke. This was wishful thinking, and he didn't like that. But her husband remained silent. What could he say in any case? Still, he didn’t chastise her for such pointless ramblings; maybe they matched his more than he’d care to admit.
Honda spent a few more minutes cleaning up Isao’s hair. Their baby was watching the bubbles of soap running along his father’s arm with keen interest, almost dozing off now.
“Hand me the shampoo, please… and protect his face with that towel. Yes, like this.”
When their son was finally squeaky clean, Honda placed him over his chest, a tiny head coming to rest on a broad shoulder. Lana’s heart missed a beat as a surge of love for those two made her giddy with joy.
Her emotions must have shone through, because he gave her a large smile. “Yes, feeling him like this, skin to skin… this is perfect. When he came home, Yuki and I took turns to sleep with him, holding him. His doctor recommended it, but we would have done it all the same.” His hand dried a couple of tears that had gone unnoticed on her cheeks.
She clasped his palm against her face, before kneeling in front of him, not caring for the water drenching her in the process. She kissed Isao’s damp neck and the top of his head, then grazed her husband’s lips, almost shy. His hand moved through her wet hair, and he deepened their kiss. Still, they kept it chaste. A pure expression of love, lust-free. It was new, but Lana enjoyed it thoroughly.
She closed her eyes and rested her brow against his unoccupied shoulder. “It’s good to be home,” she whispered, watching the small body of Isao rise and fall in rhythm with his father’s deep breathing. From where she was, she could see the top of Honda’s neck. Scarless. “Even before… everything, I never dared imagine this. So peaceful. So simple. I don’t know what I expected, but I think a part of me was scared of hoping for anything so beautiful.”
“We were branded by irons and lived in constant torture, Lana san. It is no surprise that we are almost shocked when we get to experience... a normal life.” He shifted on his seat and handed her their son before standing up. “I will get dressed now.”
She mirrored his gesture, bringing Isao against her chest. To her relief, her child didn’t protest and was fine with the change of arms.
“Hey there, don’t you feel better now? Smelling so nice, all refreshed and clean… you’re really the cutest boy around… or maybe… second cutest,” she joked, throwing a side glance at her husband who pretended to growl with indignation as he grabbed a fluffy towel, wearing only a pair of pants.
“I am not cute, wife,” he admonished.
Lana pouted and kissed her son’s brow. “Says the bare-chested man who makes all the ladies swoon with that brooding glare of his. Don’t listen to otoh san, sweety. I know where your amazing looks come from,” she mock-whispered before handing the baby back to his father who wrapped him in the large towel.
“I don’t know about the looks, but I certainly hope that you haven’t inherited your Mamma’s insolence,” Honda told the baby with a large smile that betrayed his good mood. “I will bring him to his toys and read him a story. Take your time, enjoy an actual shower.”
Lana sighed and looked at the messy bathroom. “Yeah… after I’m done cleaning it up.”
“No, don’t waste your energy, we can take care of this later. Go to my bathroom, draw yourself a bath, then take a nap. You are as pale as a sheet and in dire need of rest.”
“But…”
“Lana san,” her husband cut her off, his good mood replaced by his usual lack of patience. “Yuki will be home in less than one hour, and I am perfectly able to put Isao to bed after he had his 3-o’clock bottle. You are barely able to stand, and you know what Dr. Tanaka said. The last thing I want is to see you go back to the hospital. Yield. Right now. You cannot win at this game of stubbornness, not with me.”
Tears that were part exhaustion, part resignation, but also part gratitude at his concern and care, blurred her sight. She dried her hair and feet, stepping outside the bath section.
“I know. You win, goshujin sama, but tonight, I’ll –”
“Tonight, we will see how you are holding up,” Honda interrupted again as they stepped in the corridor, Isao tucked against his right arm. “One step at the time, my wife. One step at the time.”
16 - Their Daughter
In her bed that morning, it had been such a great idea. Now, facing the small shrine set up in the farthest corner of the garden, surrounded by cherry and peach trees in full blossom, Lana was at a total loss. Embarrassed, she stared at the couple of incense sticks in her hand: even the merciless eyes of the stone-lions flanking her seemed to mock her.
I don’t even know what to say, what to do… I should have asked him…
She winced and rubbed her arms; it was a sunny but chilly April day. Warm under the sun, but a cool wind made it hard to stay in the shade. But maybe it wasn’t only the cold that gave her goosebumps. Asking Honda to come with her to pay respect to his mother would have been a good call. But so awkward.
Those were the kind of waters that were still so hard to navigate with him. A part of their new reality, but one that they hadn’t had time to address. Neither of them was the same person as before Nikko. She had been home two weeks now, but they had barely been able to sit around a table together, even less talk about it.
What else is new? Talking was never our forte… as for the rest…
Being clueless about pretty much everyone and everything seemed to be her new mantra these days. Annoyed with herself, she took a deep bow and walked under the arches of the three two-meter tall vermilion torii leading to the altar nested inside the small shrine.
Fresh bouquets of flowers surrounded incense sticks and a black stone engraved with Natsuko’s new name. The one granted to her at her funeral; the one she carried now, into the next world. The four Jizo statues of their unborn children had been enshrined there, to be closer to their family. But today, it wasn’t about the little ones. Resolute, Lana pushed back the usual swell of mourning accompanying the thought of Carina.
She lit up her sticks and three thin white candles, then stopped. Nervousness and sadness made her hands shake and cheeks burn. What now?
“You should step back, strike the gong, and clap your hands twice,” a gruff voice called from behind. Lana sighed and turned to face Yuki’s father who sat on the engawa, watching her placidly.
“Nakazawa sama… Why, thank you. I’m surprised to see you in this corner of the garden.” The man threw her a half grin, put on garden slippers and slowly made his way toward the shrine.
“It’s the most beautiful side of the property. I heard she was the one who planted those trees, back in the day. Of course, her ashes are not here, you know that.”
“Yes, but I was told this shrine is still appropriate –”
“It is. They set this up for her, exactly for this purpose. I was only checking what you knew.”
“So little…” Lana whispered. “I have no idea what I should say…”
“You don’t have to say anything. Do as I said, the rest is between you and her. Did Honda at least tell you her new Buddhist name?”
“Yes, he did.” She hesitated before pressing on. “I don’t suppose you would like to…”
Nakazawa puffed and crossed his arms over his chest. “I went to her funeral, Lana san. I have already told her my piece.”
Lana couldn’t help an eyeroll. “Right. I can only imagine…”
This time, the older man growled and glared at her. “She did more than save you. She prevented the suicide of her son and most certainly saved my daughter’s life, because I have no doubt that Yuki wouldn’t have been willing and able to endure without all of you by her side.”
“Ah please! Don’t you think I know that?” The angry shout tumbled from her mouth, and a heavy sob wracked her.
Biting her knuckles to the blood, she turned her back to Nakazawa and the shrine to hide her tears. Like every time she thought about that night, it wasn’t the terror of what had happened to her that made her weep. It was Isao’s near death and the acute pain and despair her spouses had experienced. Layers of guilt piling up, choking her. Having it flung at her face was excruciating.
A warm bony hand on her shoulder startled her; she shuddered, summoning all remaining threads of self-control to avoid crumbling down and screaming.
“My apologies, Lana san. That was… callous, even in my book. I am not blaming you. But things are different from where you left them. They are... better. I am extremely grateful and humbled by her actions and I told her so.”
“Coming from you, those words can be added to the long list of miracles we can thank my mother for. But now, tell me: did you make my wife cry?”
Lana rubbed her face with her sleeve. Honda was approaching them from the other side of the garden. His dark blue kimono was a good match for his rising ire. His face was frozen in that hyper-controlled blank mask that he often wore around his father-in-law, but that she hadn’t seen since waking up.
Trouble. Spelled in giant, neon-red letters.
Nakazawa growled and took a couple of measured steps toward his son-in-law who remained straight as a rod. “Some things have changed, yet some will always remain the same… like your impudence and abysmal lack of respect,” the elder barked, before letting out another exasperated scoff. “I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. Only to make it clear that I am aware of what okaa sama did for my family.” Jaws clenched, refusing to stand down, the two men fell into a familiar staring match.
“Oh, can we… can we not do this here?” a tired Lana pleaded. Their antics were sometimes funny, but right now exasperating. “I came to pay my respects, not to be the reason for another argument. Bah, forget it. I’ll come back later. When I have figured out how to avoid offending everyone and everything. Although I’m pretty sure she doesn’t expect anything else from me,” she added with a bitter smile, already heading for the house.
Honda sighed, and his body slacked. He stepped around Nakazawa and walked to Lana, a finger raising her chin up. Warmth replaced aggravation in his eyes.
“My apologies, Lana san. We are the ones intruding and shattering the peace you need. You will not cause offense. Whatever words you offer, however you do it, they will be welcome because they come from the bottom of your heart.”
