Nixon: An m/m bodyguard romance (Hunter Security), page 13
“I also haven’t been home for a visit in over six months, so she was guilt-tripping me hard.”
“Mine doesn’t even like me that much and still guilt-trips me occasionally. But I think it’s just because she’s trying to save my soul or something.”
“My parents are actually pretty cool. Life has just gotten busy. But I think I am going to try and make it for her birthday, maybe even stay a week.”
The idea of him being gone for a week feels weird, but I can’t figure out why.
“I’m sure your parents will love that,” I murmur as I climb into bed.
Nixon presses his lips together like he’s stopping himself from saying something, but I don’t know what. He stays silent as he strips, gets in behind me, and pulls me into his arms.
“I love you,” he tells me, then kisses the top of my head, but his voice is full of emotion.
I want to ask what he’s thinking about, but I’m scared of what he’ll say.
“I love you too.”
The week flies by, and before I know it, I’m hugging my coworkers goodbye for now. We’ll see each other soon enough on red carpets and press tours, but I get to not be on all the time for a while. It’s an amazing feeling.
The only thing tampering with my joy is the fact that Nixon is leaving me tomorrow for a week. I’m going to miss him like crazy, and I still haven’t brought up Brazil with him. He knows about me going, but it’s like we are both avoiding talking about how it will work out.
“What time do you have to take off tomorrow?” I ask when we get home, thankful Anna and Brittany are out.
“Early. It’s a ten-hour drive, and I don’t want to get there too late,” Nixon says, leaning against the island while I pour each of us a glass of water. “Would you like to come with me?” he asks, shocking me so much I drop my cup.
“Fuck,” I curse and jump out of the way.
Nixon grabs a broom and sweeps up the shards of glass, but I barely move.
“Why would you want me to come with you?” I ask as Nixon empties the dustpan into the garbage can.
“To meet my parents,” he replies. “I promise they won’t say anything, but Mom is going to want to know who I’ve fallen for, and it would be nice to tell someone.”
“I’m not ready,” I bite out, turning to look out the window as anxiety washes over my body.
“I don’t want to pressure you into doing anything, but it really sucks keeping this a secret sometimes.”
My heart catches in my throat. I should have known this would happen. I’m an idiot for thinking this would work, for even trying.
“You knew I wasn’t comfortable coming out when we entered this relationship,” I remind him.
“I know…” He trails off, then takes a deep inhale. “I just didn’t realize how hard it would be.”
“If you don’t want this, just say so,” I tell him, turning to look at him.
“That’s not what I meant,” he assures me with kind eyes, but I shake my head.
“No… it’s better if we end this now. Besides, I’m leaving for Brazil soon for six months. It would probably be best for me to have a different bodyguard so I can keep all my focus on my career… like I’ve always wanted to do.” I’m fighting the tears that want to break free.
“Dante… don’t do this,” Nixon begs.
“We both knew this was never forever,” I whisper, gazing at the floor.
“I’m sorry for bringing up my parents. I can make this work. Please don’t break up with me. I love you.”
“You should go now,” I say, keeping my voice as even as possible.
Nixon doesn’t listen and steps toward me, but I put my hand up, knowing I must do this. Not because I’m upset at him for inviting me to meet his parents or because he wants to tell people about us. No. The reason this has to end is because he deserves better. My fear will never let me come out, and Nixon deserves to be with someone he can boast about it.
“I love you,” he repeats, and I squeeze my eyes shut.
“Please go,” I plead, trying not to lose it.
“Is that what you really want?”
I nod, not trusting myself to say anything more.
“Give me ten minutes, and I’ll be out of here.”
I don’t open my eyes, but Nixon’s footsteps get quieter as he heads to my room to pack, and my heart shatters.
“I’ll send over a list of bodyguards this week that I think would be a good fit for you for Brazil,” Nixon says when he returns.
I give him a curt nod. I’ve barely moved except to turn and grip the countertop while staring outside. I’m afraid if I let go, I’ll collapse, and I can’t do that until Nixon is gone.
“If you need me, I’ll be here,” he tells me, but I can’t respond. “And just to make it clear, I’m only leaving because you asked me to. I still love you.”
The moment the door is shut behind him, I crumble to the floor, my body heaving with sobs.
Why can’t I be strong enough for the man I love?
Why am I so fucked up in the head that I’d push him out the door instead of doing something so small?
Chapter 20
Dante
“Has he showered this week?”
“I don’t think so. Should we just dump a bucket of soapy water on him?”
“It would ruin the couch.”
“He can afford another one.”
“He can hear you,” I grumble from my spot on the couch, where I’m cocooned in a sea of blankets.
“Then he should get up, take a shower, and stop moping. You made your bed. Now you have to lie in it,” Anna tells me firmly.
She was pissed when I told her what I did, but to this day, I still don’t see another option. Nixon is an amazing man, and well… I’m me.
“I’m sick of this shit,” Anna yells, stomping over to me and ripping the blankets off. “Get your ass in the fucking shower, then I’m driving you to a therapist.”
“Hell fucking no,” I scream.
“You need to talk to a professional. I should have forced this a long-ass time ago. Your family has fucked with your head so much that you are sabotaging your life. I refuse to watch you fall down this hole any longer.”
“Then don’t watch,” I shout, my words dripping with venom.
Anna gasps, and the heartbroken look on her face does me in.
Sobs take over my body for the first time since Nixon left, and nausea rolls around in my stomach.
“I’m sorry,” I whimper, gasping for air.
Warm arms surround me a second later, and Anna whispers calming words while I break down.
“Do you have a therapist you recommend?” I ask when I feel like I can breathe again.
“Brittany’s sister. She’s the best, and I promise she knows how to keep a secret.”
I sigh. “This is going to fucking suck.”
She helps me stand and says, “Probably at first, but it will be worth it… I promise.”
At this point, I guess it’s worth a shot.
While I’m getting dressed, my phone rings, and I pause, staring at Elanor’s name on my phone.
“You’ve got some nerve calling me,” I answer.
“I’m sorry for everything, Dante… but I had to warn you…” She whimpers.
“Warn me about what? We already know you were trying to out me. I still don’t know why, though. I thought we were friends.”
“Your dad’s been blackmailing me,” she informs me.
I gasp. “What?”
“He somehow knows you’re gay… I’m not the one who told him, I swear. He came to me a while ago wanting me to out you. Apparently, it would actually help his career because he can swing you leaving the church as to why you turned gay. He’s also been looking for a reason to cut ties between you and your mother,” she says, spilling the beans. “I played dumb at first, saying he was fed misinformation, but then he showed me a picture I didn’t want out there, so I went along with his stupid plan. He’s the one who hired the creepy guy on the red carpet to drug you. I was told it was only supposed to loosen your lips, but part of me wonders if your dad actually wanted you dead. I know I wronged you, but I want to make it right now.”
“What about the break-in?” Now is the time to get answers.
“You were supposed to be at an event. He hired people to ransack your house. Figured you had to have something in there that would prove you were gay.”
“Why should I believe you?”
“Because he’s done waiting. I wasn’t producing proof fast enough, and he fired me. I don’t know what he’s going to do, but I don’t think it’s going to be good. I’m not a fool to think we can mend bridges… but I wanted to give you a heads-up that something bad is coming, and you might want to get ahead of it now.”
“Don’t call me again,” I snap and end the call.
How do I know what she’s saying is truthful and isn’t her just trying one more time to get me to out myself?
My head races as I finish getting dressed and meet Anna by the front door.
“You’re white as a ghost,” she states.
“Elanor just called,” I whisper, still trying to sort out my thoughts.
Anna’s eyes go wide, and she gasps.
“What did that bitch have to say?”
“I’ll tell you on the drive.” I open the front door and am about to make my way to her car when I see Denver standing there.
“What’s he doing here?” I ask Anna.
“I wasn’t sure if you were supposed to leave the house by yourself, so I called Nixon,” she admits.
“Fuck it.” I shrug and get into the back of the SUV with Anna beside me.
“So what did Elanor have to say?” Anna asks as Denver drives us to the therapist.
I don’t respond right away, knowing that if I tell Anna now, Denver will know I’m gay, but if Elanor was telling the truth, the whole world is going to find out sooner rather than later. Why not start by telling someone Nixon trusted more than anyone else?
Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and try to center myself before looking at Denver.
“You’re good at keeping secrets, right?”
“The best,” he replies.
“Well, buckle up. I’m about to drop a bunch of truth bombs, and you’ll need to keep your mouth shut, even from Nixon.”
Denver growls, and his jaw tenses.
“Nixon is my friend. I don’t like keeping shit from him,” he says.
“You two are a lot alike,” I state. “I’m not asking you to keep it forever, just until I can figure out how to tell him… okay?”
He sighs but nods. “Fine… I’ll keep my mouth shut, but not forever. If you don’t tell him on your own in one month, I will.”
I don’t argue with the timeline. It’s better than I would have thought.
With that, I tell them both about my conversation with Elanor.
“Shit.” Anna has about the same reaction I did.
“I’m not sure I believe her… but I also don’t put this past my dad either.” I blow out a breath and cast my eyes toward Denver.
“Any questions?” I ask him.
“Are you the guy Nixon’s in love with?”
Damn. I knew the man was good, but he picked up on that quickly.
“I was… I kind of broke up with Nixon last week just before he left to visit his parents.”
“Why the hell would you do a thing like that?” he bites out.
“Because I need help,” I admit.
“And he’s getting it,” Anna adds, jumping in.
Denver nods, keeping his eyes on the road.
“Nixon’s a good man, and the last thing I want is to see him broken… but the way he smiled at his phone on guys’ night tells me that you mean a lot to him. So hurry up and get that help so you can fix your relationship. Everyone deserves to be happy.”
His words hit me right in the heart, and a few tears slide down my face.
“I’m trying.”
“Good afternoon, Dante. I’m Dr. Melissa Riser, but you can just call me Mel.” Brittany’s sister greets me with a warm smile.
“Thanks for fitting me in.” I reach out to shake her hand.
“Well, Brittany was very adamant that this was an emergency, and I had a last-minute cancellation, so it worked out well.”
I nod and sit on the comfy couch across from a chair she sits in.
“What would you like to talk about today?”
“How do I stop fear from ruling my life?” I ask, not wanting to say everything quite yet.
“That’s a complicated question to answer,” she replies. “First, we have to figure out what that fear stems from. What are you afraid of?”
“I don’t even know anymore. I thought I was afraid of the world knowing I’m gay… and I think that’s still true… but it’s almost more than that. I’ve lived in the closet for so long with no desire to come out, but that decision is most likely being taken away from me soon.” I take a deep breath before I can continue. “Also… I’ve fallen in love, and it isn’t fair to him that we have to be a secret. But even if it meant keeping him, it’s like my body won’t let me shout it from the rooftops. I should want to come out for him. I love him with all my heart... but it’s like I’m physically incapable of doing it. So instead, I pushed him out of my life.”
Mel nods as she writes a few things down. “What kind of upbringing did you have?” she asks gently.
“My dad is a pastor of a mega-church. He’s also running for office. Obviously, very conservative and pretty much a giant asshole. We don’t really have a relationship, but that doesn’t bother me. My mother only had me because she was supposed to. I don’t think she ever really loved or wanted me. I figured out I was gay pretty early on but didn’t say anything because I’m certain they would have tried to send me to conversion therapy. Anna and I met on day one of kindergarten and were instant best friends. She was the first person I told, and she didn’t even bat an eye. Just told me it didn’t matter. I knew that wasn’t really true, though. It does matter… to some people.”
“So your parents don’t know you’re gay?”
I shrug. “I guess my dad knows and is apparently trying to out me. I just found that out today.”
“Wow,” Mel whispers.
“My other best friend from high school claims my dad was blackmailing her. I’m not really sure if I should believe her… but honestly, I don’t put it past him.”
“That’s a lot to be dealing with.”
“I just want to be done with all of this.”
“Religious trauma is something a lot of people deal with, and it sounds like that is the main culprit of your fear. You were raised to believe that being gay is wrong, and even though you don’t think that, there is a part of your brain that still does. I believe that’s why you panic when you think about coming out.”
I rest my head against the back of the couch and sigh. “So how do I get past this, then?” I need to know the answer.
“Therapy,” she replies with a cheeky grin, looking so much like her sister. “I can teach you coping mechanisms to almost override the negative thoughts. It’s not going to be easy, and it’s going to require a lot of work from you, but it’s possible to get through this. I’ve seen a lot of people overcome religious trauma.”
“I’ll do whatever it takes.”
I’m done letting this fear control me. So many times over the years, I’ve wanted to say fuck my parents and come out of the closet, but I could never go through with it. Maybe Mel can help me get past this barrier.
Chapter 21
Nixon
Denver takes a sip of his coffee, fidgeting in the chair on the other side of my desk. “Are you sure you want me to go with Dante to Brazil?” he asks.
Leaning back, I stare him down. He’s not telling me something, but I don’t know what.
“You’ve been wanting a full-time client for a long-ass time. Why aren’t you jumping for joy? Did you change your mind?”
He shakes his head. “Nah, man, I still want a full-time client. I just think you should be the one going with him. You’ve been his bodyguard since day one. Why the change?”
My jaw hurts from how hard I’m grinding my teeth as I stare out the window. I wish I could tell him everything. Denver is one of my closest friends, but I won’t ever betray Dante’s trust.
“You guys got along well while I was at my parents’ house. And I think it would be best if I don’t leave the country for months. I have to run this business. You’re perfect for this job, but if you want me to give it to someone else, I will. Bennett would probably be all for it.”
The mention of my trip to see my parents takes me back.
“You made it,” Mom shouts with a giant smile that falls from her face when her eyes land on mine. “What’s wrong?”
I shake my head and pull her into my arms. For the first time since Dante ripped my heart from my chest, I cry like a fucking baby while my mom holds me and rubs my back. She whispers promises that everything is going to be all right, but no one can know that.
When I left Dante’s house to see them, I left something behind. My heart. He holds it, and I’m not sure if I’m ever going to feel whole again. Not unless he takes me back, which I don’t see happening.
Denver huffs out a breath and shakes his head, pulling me to the present again.
“Is there something you want to add?” I inquire, noticing his tight jaw and how agitated he looks.
“I guess not. But maybe you should call him and make sure he’s good with the change.” Denver is a bit on edge when he leaves my office, and his tone has me tilting my head as I watch him close my door.
Hmm…
But I don’t have the energy to decipher what’s going on with him, so I check my emails and schedule people where they need to be. It’s like I’m running on autopilot.
Everything feels so fucking wrong. I knew this heartbreak was inevitable. I tried to prepare myself, but I had no idea how bad this would hurt.
