Hold Fast, page 16
When Zack spoke, his voice was unusually subdued. “I’ve been thinking all week. About this. About you. I mean, different ways we could…I don’t know. We can’t make more time in the day. Or the night, for that matter.” He offered rueful smile. “I think if we could just buy ourselves three hours a night, we could do it. Three hours in bed. Or even just—” He gestured to the living room and cleared his throat. “But we can’t.”
“I know. I shouldn’t have taken that call this morning.” It was an opening. If Zack said I wish you hadn’t this conversation still had different directions it could go.
But Zack only shrugged. “If the gym had called, I would have answered.”
“Hell, Zack—just a couple of years, you know? Or even one. If we’d met even a year from now…”
“Oh, I know. I have a whole, uh, dream about it. We’d work full time awhile longer, get our retirement in order, find a good neighborhood to raise kids and a good house in it…” Zack looked away, tendons in his neck tense. “But I have a plan. And I’m not ready for that yet.”
“Me neither,” Isaiah admitted. “And I know getting serious before the right time would be…ill advised. It just feels like we’re letting something go without a fight.”
“We did an experiment. Or are doing one. But I think if we keep going, we’re just putting off the inevitable, you know? I mean…do you see something I’m missing?”
The note of hope in Zack’s voice almost broke Isaiah’s heart.
He reached for anything he could say to that, any loophole, any alternative, any way to make that dream a reality.
Then he thought of his calendar, filled in with client meetings and blocks of time he’d spend working on various projects. He already had relatively full days; it would only get more intense when he picked up new efforts, even if he also retired some. And he liked it that way.
That was the bitch of it. For both of them.
“It’d be one thing if I resented my clients, or if I was sick of maintaining the websites and designing new courses. But I really enjoy all of that. And you—it’s the same.”
Zack nodded. “I love Crux. I’d work doubles for the next three months if it meant by the end of that time we’d be able to afford a cleaning service again, and we could replace the mats where they’re worn through, and make the side chapel look like a place where anyone would want to do yoga. And my classes are the thing that make me feel like I’m moving forward, not just running in place.”
“I totally hear that.” And he did. He understood it perfectly. A heavy, painful ache took up residence in his chest. “We saying this is over right now? Because I can see the data, but I gotta tell you, that doesn’t really feel right to me.”
“I’m ignoring my feelings completely. I know how many hours there are in the day, and how busy both of us are.” Zack swallowed and set down his coffee. “You’re supposed to be good at failing. How do we make this feel less awful?”
Since it seemed like Zack didn’t plan to move, Isaiah did. He put his own coffee aside and stepped up until they were closer than two strangers would have been. Or even two friends. He couldn’t resist reaching out, resting his hands on Zack’s shoulders. “Usually I try to figure out what I learned. What I can do differently next time.”
Zack took a shaky breath. “Next time don’t fall for someone when neither of you have room in your life for a relationship. I’m not sure how helpful that rule is going to be, but I’ll write it down later.”
“We’ll still see each other around. And maybe, at some point, the timing will be better for…more than that.” He squeezed, not sure if a kiss would be welcome or just tempting fate.
“Can I still email you about the yoga series? I think I have it all scheduled, but the more detailed aspects of actually posting the videos are still daunting.”
Isaiah could have offered to do it, but Zack probably relished the experience. The last thing he’d want was someone else to steal his learning opportunity. The thought made Isaiah smile a little.
Zack kissed him lightly. “Don’t do that. I’m not made of steel.”
“This is where I’d normally make a sex joke. But yeah, email me whenever you want. Even if it seems like a simple thing, you can use me as a sounding board.”
“Thanks. I should go. Like seriously, if I keep looking at you in nothing but Iron Man lounge pants my resolve to be a responsible adult will weaken.”
“Oh man. I’m pretty conflicted right now.”
Zack’s lips twitched up in a wistful smile. “Me too. I’ll see you around, Isaiah.”
One more kiss. Then he got his bag and left.
Isaiah stood there in the kitchen with Zack’s coffee cup cooling on the counter and pressed a fist to his heart as if he could counter-weight the pressure there.
They were either the most reasonable men on earth. Or the most foolish. He had the sneaking suspicion he knew what Pops would say.
At least he had a lot of work to do. Those business plans for businesses that didn’t compel him weren’t gonna write and reject themselves.
But ow. That ache in his chest. He’d never thought about a broken heart as a physical sensation, but maybe it was. Maybe this was it. Whatever it was, he was going to have to work hard to forget about it and he might as well get started.
Chapter Eighteen
It had been a crummy week.
Zack had somehow managed to lose both his regular and his backup pair of reading glasses, which had necessitated leaving early to run to a drug store before his meeting with Professor Yang. But the early morning line had been bizarrely long, and apparently no one else in the entire store had to actually get anywhere, because the level of chit chat had seemed magnified to a ridiculous degree, so he’d ended up being a little late anyway.
Then, yesterday, he’d forgotten to put food out for She-Ra when he opened, and didn’t realize it until noon because he’d been shut up in his office and everyone else had just thought she was feeling especially needy. He couldn’t even look at her now without feeling guilty and sick.
Today had been going all right until this new member sign-up. It should have been easy, rote even, but it wasn’t. The third time Zack had to redirect the woman, he snapped, “If you just let me explain it instead of continually asking questions, we’d be getting through this a lot faster.”
Then he actually covered his mouth with his hand, as if he could draw the words back inside and trap them there.
The new member—Sonia? Sarah?—frowned. “Excuse me? You don’t want to answer my questions?”
“No, no—I mean yes, of course—I’m so sorry—”
“I’m very sorry,” Val cut in. “Zack’s late for his lunch. I’m the general manager, Valentín, and I’m happy to take over from here.”
Val’s get the hell out of here expression was pretty easy to read, but Zack found himself apologizing again as he backed away. In a corner of the floor Rod looked over, raising his eyebrows, but he didn’t pause to talk.
And he didn’t want to be in the office right now, either. It was too dark, too cramped, too full of obligations.
He stepped outside, intending to take a walk, but instead he slid down the side of the building until he was sitting on the ground. The back and opposite side were all parking lot, but here it was just the wall, Zack, and a chain link fence separating the old church property from an old school that had been turned into a fancy private school. Even now he could hear kids laughing.
Could they potentially set up some kind of promotion with the school? They occasionally hosted birthday parties. Maybe some kind of team building thing for the slightly older kids, like a ropes course, but with climbing instead. He’d have to think about it. Maybe he’d talk it over with Isaiah. Isaiah could usually find the best angle on a thing, the most compelling way to look at it.
Zack tilted his head forward until it fell on his knees. Five days. It had been five days. In the last five days he’d come up with roughly—estimating and rounding down conservatively—ten to fifteen things a day he wanted to discuss with Isaiah. He’d started keeping a list, mostly on the off chance one of those things was actually important, and not just a flimsy excuse to make contact.
He didn’t need Isaiah’s help marketing a non-existent promotion to the school next door. Plus, he wouldn’t want to specifically invite kids to the gym right now anyway. Sure, some were always around, and their family membership plans were the best deals in the East Bay because Val wanted to make sure that even kids who weren’t rich got to climb, but Crux was in no shape to go soliciting the business of schools.
And may never be again. God, that was depressing.
Sun beat down on the back of his neck, and reflected off the wall to warm his back. Beginning of July. He’d gotten his Crux YouTube channel set up, with a banner Isaiah designed, and the logo as a profile picture. He’d stayed up until one in the morning on some night he figured he wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway, uploading videos, tagging them, filling in descriptions (Isaiah had also provided those, and Zack could hear his voice in the words so clearly it almost hurt). None were live yet, but all of them were ready.
Isaiah hadn’t offered him back the Crux social media accounts (which Zack didn’t know what to do with anyway), and Talk to I re: soc med accts was one of the very few underlined items on his long list of excuses. He’d probably actually need to do that. Eventually.
But it felt so final. Once he did that, he’d be entirely able to run the campaign on his own. Professor Yang had been really impressed by his planning and preparation, even after he assured her he’d had help. “A team is a much more stable unit than an individual,” she’d said, and patted his arm in approval. “Still, I recognize you in this, Zachary. Good work.”
Zack didn’t think he had an overwhelming drive to please people, but it still felt good that someone he respected thought he was doing well.
Sweat began to drip down his back and slide down his sides. He should have at least taken off his button down before coming out here. Or taken that walk, which would have aired him out even as it made him sweat. Instead of stewing him in his own juices.
Well. Stewing in my own juices was a nice thought. He squeezed his eyes shut and allowed a very, very brief fantasy of Isaiah’s cool hand closing around his neck.
If he admitted to Isaiah that he was embarrassed by his current state, Isaiah would say something to make it okay. Not that Zack was the kind of person who needed other people around to validate him or anything. This was different, even though he couldn’t put his finger on how, exactly.
The relationship he’d imagined having with Isaiah was nothing like Mom and Dad. And it really wasn’t that much like his ex boyfriends, who’d been a mix of youthful indulgence (Jon was a pompous ass, but the sex was great) and home improvement project (Ron had finally accused him of being “way too grown up”, which considering they were 25 at the time seemed like a good time to end things).
Not that it mattered now.
He banged his forehead into his kneecaps a few times, almost savoring the uncomfortable pull of his now-damp clothes. Everything had gone to hell; what did it matter that he probably smelled bad and definitely looked bad?
A few minutes later the door opened.
“Are you trying to make me fire you?”
Zack winced and picked up his head. “Sorry, Val.”
“Yeah, you should be. I got her back because I’m amazing, but it was tough.” Val cocked his head to the side. “Sorry to hear about yoga guy.”
“Isaiah.”
“Uh huh.” Val squatted beside him, face turned up toward the sun. “I know the guy’s name. Just figured you might not want to hear it.”
“Oh. No, it’s not like that at all. I mean, we didn’t fight or anything. We just…realized we needed to go in different directions right now.”
“Different directions. That’s an interesting way of putting it.”
Zack glanced over, but Val’s eyes were closed. “What do you mean?”
“I was trying to think if Stacy would describe the two of us getting divorced as realizing we needed to go in different directions. Though we fought hard before we made it to that point. So I guess I’m glad you were spared that. Although…”
Seriously, people shouldn’t be allowed to start sentences and trail off. There should be some kind of law. Had this always happened, or was there a sudden uptick? Zack grit his teeth. “Although what?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I guess I always assumed that in a way, fighting was showing how invested you were. If you don’t even bother fighting, then maybe there’s nothing there to fight over, you know?” Val’s profile frowned. “I don’t mean you and yoga guy. I was just kind of musing, really. And definitely don’t listen to me about relationships, which I apparently am terrible at.”
“You’re not terrible at relationships, Val.”
“Oh, I really am. I think I understood the rules with women better than I do with men. I knew what they wanted from me. With guys the sex part makes total sense, but the relationship part is a huge question mark. Does that sound weird to you? I can’t decide if I’m being realistic or if I’m just justifying my lack of boyfriend.”
“Definitely don’t have to justify that here. And I think I can see what you’re saying. Not that I’ve ever dated women, but I’d understand if different things seemed accessible to men and women, and that it might change how you approach them.” He sighed. “Oh god. I liked him so much. Everything felt accessible with Isaiah.”
“So then…why did you… I mean, you don’t have to talk about it.”
“Different directions. He’s a super successful entrepreneur with a million ideas for new things to do. I’m—” He waited until he’d caught Val’s eye. “Sometimes it feels like I’m the marketing and activities director for the Titanic.”
“Shit. And ouch. But mostly shit.” Val levered himself up off the ground. “I think if it was that easy to walk away, then that was the right call, Zack. Even though it still sucks. Now would you get it together and come back to work? We’d all appreciate it.”
Zack nodded. “Two minutes. And then I think I’ll probably shower, but I’ll be quick.”
“You’ve worked enough lately to take as long as you need. Just quit snapping at members.”
All reprimands were gentle coming from Val. He was that kind of guy. But Zack still felt his skin prickle with chagrin. “I am really sorry.”
“No harm done.” Val waved and went back inside.
A quick hint of cooler air teased the arm closest to the door and Zack decided he’d had about enough of his own juices for now. He showered, changed, and set up the new member he’d snapped at with a gift card to the bakery down the street (she was initially suspicious, but bakery gift cards won over almost everyone).
Val’s words still echoed in the back of his head: if it was that easy to walk away, then that was the right call.
It hadn’t been easy to walk away. It had been excruciating, and he only hoped he’d hidden that from Isaiah. Better to pretend it had been easy than to admit that he’d been close to proposing something rash, like moving in together. They could have every night together, no matter what their schedules, and whatever meals they could grab. To say nothing of coffee, in the mornings, with Isaiah in his Iron Man pants.
Absolutely fucking nuts.
Zack was incredibly grateful he hadn’t humiliated himself by actually mentioning that. He would have died of mortification, probably. Isaiah’s smile would have frozen while he tried to think up the best way to get rid of the madman suggesting that since they couldn’t commit to even two weeks of dating, that was a sign they should move in together instead.
He pushed all of that out of his head and focused on the priority cleaning and maintenance list. No emotional entanglement there. Just tasks that needed to be done.
Zack swept the common areas, still arguing in his head over what constituted easy to walk away and how no possible definition of that phrase applied to this situation. Time flew when he was fighting with himself.
* * *
The questions and comments started well before the yoga series launch, but Zack didn’t put it together until the day the first video was set to release.
“Really looking forward to online classes, you guys!” one of the regulars called as they walked out.
Zack and Randi looked at each other. Both of them turned to Bear, who was already shaking his head. “I got no idea, but someone asked me about it the other day. Figured it was your thing, Zack.”
“Um. Well, yes. But I didn’t realize…I’m not sure how anyone knows…” Except it had to be Isaiah. Isaiah and the Crux social media accounts. “Hold on.”
He pulled out his phone and opened Twitter. Zack didn’t actually post things on Twitter, but he liked reading it and following links to interesting things. Randi leaned over his shoulder and he fervently hoped none of his more explicit Tumblrs was cross-posting at the moment.
It only took a second to search for @CruxIndoorClimbing.
“Oh damn,” Randi whispered. “Who’s doing that?”
Zack swallowed, scrolling through the posts. Some of them were links to cool things other gyms were doing (tagging them, of course), some were graphic teasers of Isaiah doing yoga (and yeah, hello, who wouldn’t be teased by that?). The teasers all mentioned the date the first video was meant to go live.
“That’s Isaiah Carlin,” Zack finally said. “He set up the Crux social media accounts for me. Uh, for us. I mean, I wasn’t exactly sure how to—or what to—”
“We get it.” Randi turned away. “You should retweet that stuff.”
Bear made a disgruntled sound. “You kids today with your made up words.”
They went back and forth behind him, but Zack was searching the rest of the apps he had on his phone. Isaiah had been everywhere. He posted teaser graphics to Instagram with links to Facebook posts, and on those Facebook posts he started conversations about the biggest obstacles to a steady workout practice and generated ideas about what would make it easier to workout at home or in the office.
