Aloha, page 54
And the very reason I got out of bed every single morning. There hasn’t been a single second of the day where I haven’t thought about her and the love we’d shared once upon a time.
Honestly, I kick myself every day for leaving her behind to join the Army. But I knew, if I stayed, I’d have nothing to offer her. She deserved the best, and I was the son of an alcoholic, who had no money to go to college and no future.
I haven’t spoken to her in over a decade. Not since I left a note on the door of Felix’s hardware store, letting her know I was leaving for the military.
No apology. No explanation.
I’m an idiot.
I finish locking up the diner and head toward the church for the annual Christmas fundraiser meeting. Every year, the town gets together and raises money to help provide presents for the children living in Boston shelters. While we’re just a small town three hours outside of the big city, our fundraiser has always been a wonderful success.
“Alex, good to see you.” Pastor Redding reaches out to shake my hand as soon as I step in the door.
“You, too.”
“Did you see Lilly is back?” he asks with a knowing smile.
I swallow hard. “I did. Saw her earlier.”
“Really?”
“She and Felix came in for lunch.”
He nods. “She looks as though Hawaii treated her well.”
“That she does,” I agree. Then again, there is nothing that could dampen the beauty that surrounds Lilly. It’s more than surface deep. Goodness radiates from her. It always has. “Is the meeting in the Fellowship Hall?”
“It is. Head on in, and we’ll be getting started soon.”
“Thanks.” I shove my hands into my pockets and do my best to avoid any and all conversations about Lilly as I make my way into the Hall. Unfortunately, as much as I’d hoped to avoid her, there she is.
Camera in hand, Lilly photographs the townspeople as they talk. Honestly, she moves so silently that I wonder if they even know she’s there. Every moment she captures is one of purity, not tainted by forced smiles.
I’m struck once again by her beauty. Her long, silky, obsidian hair is braided down her back, and the white dress she wears compliments her tan skin as though it was made for her. But it’s her eyes—a bright, crystal blue—that have always captivated me.
They hold such purity. Such kindness. Despite the upbringing that could have hardened her heart.
I clench my hands into fists at my sides as the memories of her confiding what happened to her slam into me. I tried so hard to bury those, too. To forget and keep myself from tracking down the man who fathered her and killing him with my bare hands.
Not great thoughts to have while in church.
God, forgive me.
She turns to face me, and the breath is stolen from my lungs. Our gazes meet, and a piece of me I thought had shriveled up long ago slides back into place. A warmth spreads through me. And even though I know I should probably keep my distance, I take the first step. Then another. Until I’m standing close enough to smell her delicate coconut shampoo. That’s new.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey.” Her response is clipped, pained. And I want to kick myself for coming over here in the first place.
“Listen, I’d like to talk. If that’s okay. Anytime that works for you.” Without thinking, I reach up and brush the hair from her shoulder.
She stiffens, and I let my hand drop despite the warmth that shot through me at the contact.
She pulls away. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Please?” I’m not above begging for a chance to explain myself. But I seriously hope she doesn’t make me. “After the meeting? We can head over to the diner, and I can make us some coffee.”
She chews on her bottom lip, and I fight the urge to lean forward and press my mouth to hers. The desire to capture her lips and make her forget I ever broke her heart is stronger than I’d thought possible. “Fine. One coffee.”
“Thank you.” Relief floods my body, but before I can say anything else, Felix crosses over and offers me his hand.
“Alex. I meant to ask you earlier; how’s that project car coming along?”
“Project car?” Lilly questions.
I swallow hard. “I bought Jeoff Greyson’s old Mustang.”
“A car and a diner,” she muses, her lips turning up in a slight smile. “How interesting.”
“It has special memories for me,” I tell her, knowing she’ll remember the fact that we shared our first kiss in the front seat of that ’65 Mustang. Back then, I’d worked as a busboy at the diner, and Jeoff had lent me his prized car before my first actual date with Lilly.
It had been a rough ride back then and broke down three years later.
Thankfully, he’d still kept it. And when I bought the diner, he’d thrown it in with the sale.
“How nice.” She turns to Felix. “Should we grab a chair? Looks like they’re about to get started.”
An hour later, we’re filing out of the Church. Lilly says goodbye to Felix, who waves at me as I reach her on the sidewalk. Without a word, she smiles tightly, and we start walking toward the diner. The tension between us is so thick one could slice right through it, but I’ll still take it over the radio silence we’ve had since I left all those years ago. I’m hesitant to touch her again but desperate to feel her close to me.
After unlocking the door, I move inside and shut it again, leaving the main lights off so no one thinks I’m open. I cross over and press the button that will start a fresh brew of coffee as Lilly slides onto a barstool.
“Do you want something to eat?”
“No, thanks.”
“You sure? I’ve been told my muffins are the best in Maine.”
“No thanks,” she repeats. “What did you want to talk about?”
Right to the point. It’s always been her style. “I wanted to apologize. To explain why I left the way I did.”
“Why do you need to? It’s been ten years, Alex. I don’t think it matters anymore.”
“It matters to me.”
She purses her lips and nods. “Fine. Go for it.”
“After my dad lost the shop, I didn’t think I had much of anything to offer you. I had no job outside of the diner, no money, no car, nothing to give you the life you deserved.”
“The life you thought I deserved,” she retorts. “I was just fine.”
“You wanted to travel. To see the world.”
“And I still did that without you.”
“You did,” I reply, running a hand over the back of my hair. The coffee pot finishes, so I pour two mugs and offer her one, not setting it on the counter because I’m desperate to touch her again.
She takes the mug, and her slender fingers brush my hand.
I swallow hard, and she sets the mug down as I slide an assortment of cream and sugar toward her.
She uses neither.
“Listen, was I angry when you left? Yes. Hurt? Absolutely. But I got over it.” She flashes a smile that we both know is fake.
“I know you, Lilly. You still hate me for it.”
She turns away and pushes up from the stool to cross her arms. “Fine. I do. You weren’t there for me when I needed you. You bailed and left me to pick up the pieces all by myself. Do you have any idea how it felt? To face everyone in town each and every day? They looked at me with pity. Like I was pathetic. You were the hero who went to save the world, and I was just the girl who couldn’t understand why you left.” Tears fill her eyes, and my stomach churns in disgust for what I did.
“I needed to make something more of myself.”
“And you couldn’t do that with me? We couldn’t do that together?” she demands. “When my mom died, you weren’t here.” Her bottom lip quivers, and I move around the counter to reach for her. She backs away. “I stood by your side through everything you went through with your dad. But when I needed you, you weren’t there,” she repeats what she said only minutes ago, driving it home.
“If I could go back and do it over again, I would. You have to know that.”
“Do I?” she asks. “Do I have to know that, Alex?”
“Will you please just give me a chance to prove it to you? I was young, stupid, and didn’t see how I could give you the life that you deserved.”
“The only thing I wanted was you.” She speaks the words softly, delicately, but they carry the weight of a boulder crushing down on me.
“I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry I am that I wasn’t there for you. When I found out about your mom, I tried to come back for the funeral, but they wouldn’t let me leave.”
“Wouldn’t let you leave.” She shakes her head angrily. “You wouldn’t have needed permission if you’d never have left!” Tears flow freely down her face now, the façade she’s worn all day melting away. “I loved you, Alex Phillips, and you broke my heart.”
“I didn’t mean to.” But didn’t I? I knew what would happen if I left, and I chose to go anyway. Nothing I say will fix that. Nothing I do will mend the brokenness I caused.
“You didn’t mean to.” She shakes her head. “I knew this was a mistake, Alex. I knew it, and I came anyway.” She grabs her bag and heads for the door before I can reach her.
“Please don’t leave. I want to know what you’ve been doing. I want to talk like we used to.” I want to show you that I’m still in love with you.
“You lost the right to hear about my life ten years ago, Alex. I’m not leaving Felix alone again, so you and I will need to figure out how to co-exist in this town. But I want to make myself clear. I am not interested in being anything more than acquaintances.”
I swallow hard, my resolve to change her mind cementing in my heart. “I am going to prove to you that I’ve changed. That I am worthy of your trust again.”
“I very much doubt that.” She turns and leaves the diner, her coffee still untouched on the counter.
As she disappears down the street, I send up a prayer. God, please give me the strength to prove I meant every word.
Chapter 3
Lilly
Before I know it, a week has passed since I first stepped foot back into Hope Springs. I’ve spent my spare time editing photos from my time in Hawaii, working in the hardware store, and cooking so I can avoid Felix’s constant push to have dinner at the diner.
His not-so-subtle attempts at getting me to face Alex have only grown more and more obvious over the last seven days.
I slip into a long-sleeved dress with hydrangea flowers printed on the skirt and pull my hair up off my neck. After securing my mom’s old cross necklace around my neck, I slip into some short boots and step out into the living room. Felix is dressed in slacks and a nice shirt, his hair combed back.
“Ready to go?” he asks.
“I am.” I move down the stairs and into the empty hardware store then step out onto the street and wait for Felix to lock the door. Because I can’t help myself, I glance over at the diner. Its open sign is not illuminated, and I smile because it means Alex kept up with the tradition of it being closed until right after church each Sunday.
Even if he never found himself in a pew, he still respects the town’s history, which, I suppose, is a notch in his favor. The late November breeze is chilly, so I pull the cardigan tighter around me as Felix and I make our way to the small church.
Most of the town has gathered inside, joining for coffee and donuts while enjoying happy conversations. I study their faces, feeling more at home each and every day that passes. Everyone here embraced my mom and me when we moved here. No one looked down on her for having been married once already, nor did they remind us of the fact that she and Felix met because we’d been living in one of the shelters they’d donated toys to for Christmas one year.
I’ll never forget the look on her face when she saw him for the first time. Or the way he’d watched her like she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
After seeing how toxic the relationship between her and my biological father was, I hadn’t had much belief in true love. But they’d changed that. And I’d always told myself that I wouldn’t settle for less than what they had.
“Lilly!”
I turn as Mrs. Elodie Clementine, my fourth-grade teacher, comes rushing toward me. Before I can step back, she wraps both arms around me and pulls me against her body, crushing me until I cannot smell anything but her heavy floral perfume. She releases me with a wide smile, holding me back just enough that she can see me. “Mrs. Clementine, it’s wonderful to see you.”
“Girl, it is lovely to see you, too! Your daddy is so proud of what you’ve done. We all are. Photographing the world the way you have.”
“Mainly just Hawaii,” I correct her. “But thanks.”
“Still. I think that Phillips boy bought every single one of your pictures. And I’ve got quite a few myself.”
I stiffen. “Alex owns my photos?”
Her cheeks flood with color as she realizes she’s clearly said more than she should. “Oh, I need to speak with Carlie. Excuse me.” She rushes away as quickly as she arrived, so I turn to Felix.
“What is she talking about?”
He shoves his hands into both of his pockets. “Alex ordered all of your prints as they came out.”
“Why?”
He arches a brow. “Do you really have to ask?”
As soon as he says it, my gaze rises, meeting Alex as he steps into the church dressed in his Sunday best. Slacks, a button-down, and a black suit jacket. “When did he start coming?”
“He’s been coming since he got back. Every single Sunday.”
I stare at him, his words from the other night running through my mind. “I am going to prove to you that I’ve changed. That I am worthy of your trust again.”
Is it possible that he has changed?
But even as I consider the possibility, I shove it out of my mind. Alex broke my heart. Shattered it into a million tiny pieces and had me questioning everything I ever believed.
Letting him back in is an impossibility all its own. Regardless of whether or not he’s changed.
Sunday lunch at Hope Diner is a tradition I really wish I could bring myself to change. But I can still see my mother sitting beside Felix, smiling with flowers in her hair. She’d been such a force of life. Such a happy, loving woman, despite everything she’d gone through.
And her memory is more important to me than my desire to keep space between myself and Alex.
My throat tightens. Today marks three years since my mother passed away. Three years since Heaven gained another Angel and I another crack in my heart. Even with the time that has passed, the grief doesn’t lessen. Tears threaten to spill, so I clear my throat hoping to keep them shoved firmly back down.
I will not cry in front of Alex.
When I get home, I can let them free. But here, I need to keep it together.
“Hey,” Alex greets as he approaches the table. “What can I get you both to drink?”
“Coffee,” I say.
“Same,” Felix adds.
“On it.” Alex turns away, and I relax just enough that Felix takes note. He covers my hand with his.
“You okay?”
“Not really.” Felix and I have always had an easy relationship. I’ve always felt comfortable sharing anything and everything with him, and never felt the need to pretend in his presence. When he doesn’t press, I add, “I didn’t realize how hard it would be to see him again.”
“I am sorry I didn’t tell you he was back.”
I shrug. “It wouldn’t have changed anything.” And honestly, it wouldn’t have. Had I known Alex was here, I might have given in to the pull to return sooner. Just so I could see him again.
My heart still aches for him. Something that has become painfully apparent over the past week as I did everything I could to avoid him. The nights have been restless and haunted with dreams of the past. While my days have been burdened with hopes of a future I swore I’d turned my back on.
“Is there anything I can do to help?” Felix asks.
I shake my head. “I need to grab some air, though. Do you mind?”
“Not at all.” Felix releases my hand, so I slide out of the booth and step out into the cool afternoon air. I take a deep breath, then another, until finally, my heart begins to slow. Out here, where it’s just chilly enough that no one is strolling the street, I let a few tears fall.
What would my life have been like if Alex wouldn’t have left? I would have had more time with my mom because I never would have felt the desire to leave this place, sure. But is that really his fault?
Even a month ago, I would have continued adamantly blaming him for it.
But truthfully, it was my decision to leave just as it was his to do the same.
“Hey, are you okay?”
I turn, not at all expecting to see Alex standing just behind me, a mug of hot coffee in his hand. “What are you doing out here?”
“You looked cold.” He offers me the coffee.
“I was going to come right back inside.” But I take the warm mug, and my fingers brush his. The touch is welcome. Comforting. And I let my hands linger over his for a few heartbeats, our gazes locking.
Something passes between us.
The first hint of forgiveness thawing my heart. I pull my hand away.
“I figured as much. But I wanted you to be warm.” He turns to leave.
“Alex?”
“Yeah?”
I study his sharp jaw and the stubble coating it. The way his eyes, though still the same hazel, hold a darkness that wasn’t there before. Is it possible it’s from the war? From what he saw overseas?
“Did you really buy my photos?”
He stares at me blankly for a moment then sighs. “Come with me.”
I follow him back into the diner, offering Felix a smile and half wave, as I let Alex lead me up the stairs and into the apartment just above. He unlocks the door and pushes it open, remaining in the hall as I step into the studio apartment.
