Spring Changes, page 8
I looked out to the hangar, the doors closed, the place silent and still.
I know, I said. Let’s go through my messages, et cetera, per usual. You bring me up to date, and then I’ll fall asleep, no doubt . . .
You mean you want me to just turn you off.
I made sure I was as dry as could be and settled on an empty bunk. It was still warm for now. A light blanket lay over the end of it, and I pulled it up over my feet just so I wouldn’t lose it.
Let me see the changes, I said.
Hiroto then brought up my stats and highlighted the changes in bold. Much easier for me to see, especially when we’d been through a big fight.
Kyle Ranz - Contains -
Name - Hiroto Toshiaki
Human Consciousness
Name - Xe
Species - Trion
Name - Kyle Ranz
Species - Unknown
Year of Death - 2629
Class = Fighter/Sorcerer
Age 18 + 2
Level = 68
Respawns = 7
Mech Command
Memories = 86%
Health = 32%
Kenosi = Rank 125
Kenosi Merge - Rank Master
Nanites/Trion x 184,532
Body Type = Denti
Structural Integrity = Silver
Internal AI Chip = AX 717 - Drudel X Class
Skin Strength = 96
Blood Capacity = 83
Healing Speed = 92
Overall Personal Level = 924
Strength = 131
Dexterity = 112
Constitution = 364
Intelligence = 273
Wisdom = 156
Charisma = 40
Luck = 62
Quick Points = 2
Mech Warrior Operational Level = 251
Mech Command - Rank 38
Battle Mage - Rank 80
Mech Pilot - Rank 72
Nanite Engineer - Rank 80
Nanite Factory - 94
Human/Machine Interface - Rank 85
Mech Merge - Rank 76
Mech Remote Control - Rank 15
Remote Control - All - Rank 22
Mega Merge - Rank 5
Molecular Insight - Rank 73
Molecular Manipulation - Rank 56
Acceleration/Deceleration - Rank 50
Combustion - Rank 13
Reversion - Rank 12
Soul Split - Rank 10
Vrolsh Coding Learned
CAD Tech - Rank 21
Kiain Language - Rank 6
Emaxyol Language - Rank 1
Drop Ship Pilot - Rank 15
Shuttle Operator - Rank 17
Freighter Operator - Rank 13
Computer Science - Rank 12
Electronics and Communication - Rank 17
Electrical Engineering - Rank 18
Mechanical Engineering - Rank 21
Information Technology - Rank 24
Hacker - Rank 39
Foot Soldier - Rank 40
Merc - Rank 33
Sniper - Rank 19
Gun Smith - Rank 19
Shadow Awareness - Maxed out
Future Insight - Rank 15
Reconstruction Expertise - Rank 30
Null Gravity Management - Rank 23
Sword Play - Rank 65
Emergency Medicine - Rank 18
Psychology - Non Human - Rank 23
Psychology - Human/Denti - Rank 43
Muscle Healing - Rank 25
Poison Resistance - Rank 24
Viral Fighting - Rank 15
Night Sight - Rank 25
Deception - Rank 34
Negotiator - Rank 55
Detective - Rank 15
Space Politics - Rank 24
Animal Handling - Rank 15
Intelligence = You are smart already. + 20 Intelligence, + 20 Wisdom, + 20 Charisma, + 20 Luck
Special Traits Awarded x 2 – Any extras here do not show on your Stat Sheet Totals.
Shade Brain – 1 in a million, you managed to not only keep your memories, but you can also hide them. Your character sheet is elusive to even the strongest of will. UPGRADED - No one can penetrate your Shade now!
Spells - Active - Intensive Healing = Requires Kenosi of Rank 50
These new spells increase not only the strength and speed of your Healing, but the distance you can use it.
Spells - Active - Slow Fire Healing = Requires Kenosi of Rank 120
Spells - Passive - Medium Fire Healing = Requires Kenosi of Rank 150
Spells - Passive - Rapid Fire Healing = Requires Kenosi of Rank 200
Spell - Active - Lightning Fury – Requires Kenosi of Rank 20 – Damage increased by 50%
Spell - Fortified Tattoo - You have been gifted the crest of a God - When active, this increases your - kenosi x 20, and all stats x 20. You may only use this once per day. Lasts as long as your kenosi does, kenosi strength dependent.
Particle Projectile Cannon
Uses energy direct from kenosi reserves.
Can store within battery compartments to aid when needed.
Special attributes – when inside a mech it will enlarge to the size needed by its soul bonded owner.
Debt to Darkness - Owed - He will not forget
8
With enough meat still left from the night before to go with eggs and fresh juice, breakfast went down a treat. The others showered and came out in dribs and drabs, grabbing coffee and plates of food, mumbling greetings as they woke properly. The coffee wasn’t as nice as on Artemis. I cradled my cup though and drank deeply, hoping the caffeine would wake my body some more.
Drifting engines noises came through to us. A small convoy of shuttle buses approached, a prominent hospital logo plastered on them all.
I stood and walked to wait for them. Tyto quickly went to my side even though he hadn’t been awake as long as I had.
The shuttle bus stopped before us, and the door slid open. There were two faces smiling at us.
“Kyle?” the gentleman said. When I nodded, he gestured at himself. “Pious.”
I offered my hand to help him out of the shuttle, the older lady soon to follow with Tyto’s help.
“Doctor Morgan?” I asked.
“Doctor will do, thank you, though I am a retired doctor,” she said and looked at the group of people behind me.
I shook her hand gently and she then eyed me up and down. “Doctor Herin said you were something else. He wasn’t kidding. Shade is really powerful. I’ve only known one other denti with one like yours.”
It felt weird being assessed by her. I didn’t like being on show like this. Even Doctor Herin had made me feel vulnerable at some points. But with Morgan, this felt a lot worse.
“We discovered several other hangars, and there was an original medical ward. You can set up in there, and hopefully there’s no real need for you to jump in and save lives. But I’m glad you are here either way.”
“Good.” She stomped forwards and pointed the medical shuttle onwards. Then she hopped in, and off they went. That left me with Pious and Tyto.
“Walk with me, Kyle,” Pious said.
I glanced to Tyto, who flicked his head slightly, so I sucked in a breath and stepped in beside him.
“You want to do this now, talk to me?”
He looked my way. “There is no better time than right now, is there not?” I didn’t know how to answer him, and he chuckled. “There’s no right or wrong way to talk to me. I just want you to talk.”
“I’ve never spoken to a psych before,” I admitted.
“You never had a psych exam before your AI chip was first implanted?”
I shook my head. “It was a birthday present from my friends, family. Unless it was something they did without my knowledge, then no, I’ve never spoken to a mind doctor.”
“You think you’ve uncovered all your memories, the missing time you’ve had, but Hiroto told me there’s a few things you have buried. Like the letter to yourself.”
“I didn’t know he’d spoken to you about all kinds of things.” I felt exposed right now. Without having done any of it myself.
I have your best interests at heart, and my own, he said inside.
“Then yeah, there’s a few things I still seem to be missing both from my real life and here in this universe.”
“You had a period of missing time, where you were put into stasis?”
“I was. I believe the reason for it was sound. To keep me from being discovered by Arndale and taken out before my time.”
“That’s quite the piece of time missing.”
“It is, but there’s been flashes of things I’ve done. Training I’ve experienced while I was not quite with it. So although I was missing for a year, I know I wasn’t also out of it for the full time I was awake.”
“That’s interesting. What were you doing?”
“I know I was using kenosi on a much bigger level than I was at.”
“You think that was down to Xirob?”
“No, I don’t. I think they wanted me to learn how powerful I was even without Xirob.”
“Because you are,” he said. “Doctor Herin spoke to me at great depth about the potential you have and the effects it also could have on your mind.”
“Does he think I’m losing it as well?”
Pious turned to me, scrunching his eyebrows slightly. “No one thinks you are losing anything. There’s a reason why we all talk to someone, no matter who they are. Your peers, General Trix, and even Hiroto are concerned you push yourself too much without giving yourself the time to grieve, or the time to process things.”
“I would agree. This universe moves so fast, even with this time here right now. I’m thinking a million things. Processing everything for all of us.”
“But not processing things for yourself. What do you want?”
“I want my friends and those around me to have everything they want, they need.”
“That’s a life where you’re not at risk, though, surely?”
I stepped forwards again, resuming our walk. “With the rift out there, everyone is at risk. That’s not something I’m willing to let go either.”
“And that is why your friends are making sure you’re looked after. That you have someone you can talk to, other than Hiroto or Tyto.”
“It’s not a bad thing?”
“No,” he said. “It’s not a bad thing. You may call on me at any time.”
But I didn’t want to call on him at any time. I needed to get this out of my system now. I wanted to deal with it. To feel better than I did.
“I lost them all,” I admitted and stopped walking again. “I watched them all go down in front of me without a way to get them back.”
I didn’t cry; all my tears had burned. What was inside me now was a hatred for Edward and a desire to see him pay in exactly the way we had planned.
“You witnessed what a lot of military men have in the past and will do so in the future. What I have no doubt General Trix and even your own second have seen happen. Except you did something else extraordinary, and you reached out, bringing Artemis to you and saving your team.”
“I did what any of us would have done,” I said, looking at the grass beneath my feet, and kicking a soft spot. “It wasn’t a big thing.”
“It’s a very big thing, Kyle. You saved their lives. All seventeen of them. Why don’t you think it was a good thing? Because the M-Wolves had to take other forms?”
“They suffered more, because of me.”
“Kyle,” Pious said. “They experienced something they didn’t think they would, and until I can get to talk to them about it, I don’t really know how they have taken that. I do know they, just like the rest of your team, will hold nothing you ever did in bad light. And they would only ever think what you did was for the best for them, for you all as a whole.”
“I didn’t want them to suffer,” I said.
“And they might or might not have. You can’t know the outcome, only that it was something they never thought was possible. I believe they are learning with you, anything is possible, even the impossible.”
I sucked in a breath. “I’ve been a fumbling mess,” I admitted. “I push myself and what I can do to the limits sometimes with the stupidest ideas.” Hiroto wasn’t saying anything. I also knew he had seen all the truths. “The biggest one didn’t pay off, when we lost . . .”
I felt my world vanishing around me. Walls closing in. The light dimmed. The air heavier, unbreathable.
I sucked in, trying to gather enough oxygen. I struggled.
I couldn’t do this.
Not now.
Darkness.
There was a hand on my shoulder then, kenosi sparking. I looked up into Pious’s stunning orange eyes. “I didn’t know you had kenosi.”
“I am many things besides a doctor. But what comes with being this doctor and being able to help people on the level I do is with kenosi.”
“I don’t understand.”
“People of your level—” He started to walk again, soft steps into the grass. “You all do something which is part of post-traumatic stress. But also related to kenosi. You put real walls up. Sometimes walls that others can’t see at all.”
“You see them?”
“Yes, and I can break them down. No matter how strong you are, I have a gift that helps me to help you.”
“I lost my denti and my familiar. Xirob. I never thought I’d see him ever again. That pain was worse than losing my team. Like losing myself.”
“Hiroto told me you’re also connected to the upcoming Sitha King.”
“I am,” I replied.
“You are a man that is more complicated than anyone I have met before, but I won’t let that stop me. I am going to sit with you over the next couple of days, and I’m going to teach you something I had taught to me by my late friend, Cal.”
“What’s that?”
“You’re going to learn to put those walls up and break them down yourself. Because you have it in yourself to deal with these things. You have already dealt with more than you know.”
“If I have, why do I still feel so terrible?”
“Because you’re human and young. You don’t have the experience some of the other veterans do.” This time when he touched me, I felt something else. “Everyone needs someone to talk to.” Hiroto vanished from my thoughts. “I want to speak with just you. So he’s not here with us right now.”
I worried at first, but then I let out a sigh. “I feel like I let him down the most,” I said.
“Why?”
“Because I couldn’t help him any other way than to let him back in here.” I tapped the side of my head.
“Do you have any idea what a feat that actually is?” Pious asked.
“It—” I shook my head. “It wasn’t enough.”
“Have you asked him about what he feels?”
“We talked a lot,” I replied. “I can actually let him take control of this body now too.”
“And you’d be okay with that?” He raised an eyebrow at me.
“Of course. I trust him a thousand times over.”
“And he trusts you,” Pious said. “We spent a long time talking. A lot about you. A lot about his mission and then of the man he loves. Dylan . . . wasn’t it?”
“Yes, he’s one of my closest friends too.” I sighed. Their relationship and feelings fresh in my mind from the kiss they shared. We shared.
“That makes you feel strange?”
“I know he likes other men. I’ve never stopped his comments, never chastised him for his thoughts. As errant as they were, or if they made the body we shared feel things I wasn’t comfortable with.”
“Do you know how those thoughts alone make him feel?”
“I’m not sure what you mean?” The question genuinely confused me. Why would he be worried about his thoughts in my head?
“The one thing he has on his mind more than anything else is how you see him,” Pious said. “Because his respect for you is not only strong, but he never ever wants to let you down.”
“How could he ever let me down?”
“He believes he already has. That he wasn’t strong enough to take another body after the second respawn. He believes he’s the reason you’re struggling right now.”
I flexed my hands. “That’s absurd.”
“I’m glad you think so. Because I would like to get you both to talk through some of this. You have the trust there. You have the bond I don’t even think a mated pair can have. I want you both to be okay with how you feel and know in any reality you have both been above and beyond for each other.”
“I couldn’t lose him,” I said. My hands shook now. “I just couldn’t.”
“You would die for any of your team; that much is obvious. What I want you to understand as well is they would do the same for you, without thinking. They’d each put their lives down for yours.”
“I don’t want them to,” I said, trying to stop the shaking. It didn’t work.
“No, you don’t. But you need to accept that it is their choice to do so. That if they do, that they have done it because of love, because of duty, and because of who you are.”
“I’m not some saviour that’s come to rescue everyone.”
“Kyle, there’s always someone out there people look up to.”
“But that means I let everyone down?”
“No, you haven’t. I had reports off Jai on what you’ve done the last few years of your time here.”
“I thought I was doing okay,” I said. “I thought I was okay with my decisions.”
“It will come,” he said, his eyes lowering, his voice with it. “With time.”
“Thanks,” I replied. Talking with him already made me feel a little better. Then my mind drifted to confronting Edward. “We’ve so much to do in a few days.”
Pious ran a hand through his hair. “Yes, you’re wanting to confront the one man you want to kill more than anyone else in the world. Would you say even more so than Motaki?”
I know, I said. Let’s go through my messages, et cetera, per usual. You bring me up to date, and then I’ll fall asleep, no doubt . . .
You mean you want me to just turn you off.
I made sure I was as dry as could be and settled on an empty bunk. It was still warm for now. A light blanket lay over the end of it, and I pulled it up over my feet just so I wouldn’t lose it.
Let me see the changes, I said.
Hiroto then brought up my stats and highlighted the changes in bold. Much easier for me to see, especially when we’d been through a big fight.
Kyle Ranz - Contains -
Name - Hiroto Toshiaki
Human Consciousness
Name - Xe
Species - Trion
Name - Kyle Ranz
Species - Unknown
Year of Death - 2629
Class = Fighter/Sorcerer
Age 18 + 2
Level = 68
Respawns = 7
Mech Command
Memories = 86%
Health = 32%
Kenosi = Rank 125
Kenosi Merge - Rank Master
Nanites/Trion x 184,532
Body Type = Denti
Structural Integrity = Silver
Internal AI Chip = AX 717 - Drudel X Class
Skin Strength = 96
Blood Capacity = 83
Healing Speed = 92
Overall Personal Level = 924
Strength = 131
Dexterity = 112
Constitution = 364
Intelligence = 273
Wisdom = 156
Charisma = 40
Luck = 62
Quick Points = 2
Mech Warrior Operational Level = 251
Mech Command - Rank 38
Battle Mage - Rank 80
Mech Pilot - Rank 72
Nanite Engineer - Rank 80
Nanite Factory - 94
Human/Machine Interface - Rank 85
Mech Merge - Rank 76
Mech Remote Control - Rank 15
Remote Control - All - Rank 22
Mega Merge - Rank 5
Molecular Insight - Rank 73
Molecular Manipulation - Rank 56
Acceleration/Deceleration - Rank 50
Combustion - Rank 13
Reversion - Rank 12
Soul Split - Rank 10
Vrolsh Coding Learned
CAD Tech - Rank 21
Kiain Language - Rank 6
Emaxyol Language - Rank 1
Drop Ship Pilot - Rank 15
Shuttle Operator - Rank 17
Freighter Operator - Rank 13
Computer Science - Rank 12
Electronics and Communication - Rank 17
Electrical Engineering - Rank 18
Mechanical Engineering - Rank 21
Information Technology - Rank 24
Hacker - Rank 39
Foot Soldier - Rank 40
Merc - Rank 33
Sniper - Rank 19
Gun Smith - Rank 19
Shadow Awareness - Maxed out
Future Insight - Rank 15
Reconstruction Expertise - Rank 30
Null Gravity Management - Rank 23
Sword Play - Rank 65
Emergency Medicine - Rank 18
Psychology - Non Human - Rank 23
Psychology - Human/Denti - Rank 43
Muscle Healing - Rank 25
Poison Resistance - Rank 24
Viral Fighting - Rank 15
Night Sight - Rank 25
Deception - Rank 34
Negotiator - Rank 55
Detective - Rank 15
Space Politics - Rank 24
Animal Handling - Rank 15
Intelligence = You are smart already. + 20 Intelligence, + 20 Wisdom, + 20 Charisma, + 20 Luck
Special Traits Awarded x 2 – Any extras here do not show on your Stat Sheet Totals.
Shade Brain – 1 in a million, you managed to not only keep your memories, but you can also hide them. Your character sheet is elusive to even the strongest of will. UPGRADED - No one can penetrate your Shade now!
Spells - Active - Intensive Healing = Requires Kenosi of Rank 50
These new spells increase not only the strength and speed of your Healing, but the distance you can use it.
Spells - Active - Slow Fire Healing = Requires Kenosi of Rank 120
Spells - Passive - Medium Fire Healing = Requires Kenosi of Rank 150
Spells - Passive - Rapid Fire Healing = Requires Kenosi of Rank 200
Spell - Active - Lightning Fury – Requires Kenosi of Rank 20 – Damage increased by 50%
Spell - Fortified Tattoo - You have been gifted the crest of a God - When active, this increases your - kenosi x 20, and all stats x 20. You may only use this once per day. Lasts as long as your kenosi does, kenosi strength dependent.
Particle Projectile Cannon
Uses energy direct from kenosi reserves.
Can store within battery compartments to aid when needed.
Special attributes – when inside a mech it will enlarge to the size needed by its soul bonded owner.
Debt to Darkness - Owed - He will not forget
8
With enough meat still left from the night before to go with eggs and fresh juice, breakfast went down a treat. The others showered and came out in dribs and drabs, grabbing coffee and plates of food, mumbling greetings as they woke properly. The coffee wasn’t as nice as on Artemis. I cradled my cup though and drank deeply, hoping the caffeine would wake my body some more.
Drifting engines noises came through to us. A small convoy of shuttle buses approached, a prominent hospital logo plastered on them all.
I stood and walked to wait for them. Tyto quickly went to my side even though he hadn’t been awake as long as I had.
The shuttle bus stopped before us, and the door slid open. There were two faces smiling at us.
“Kyle?” the gentleman said. When I nodded, he gestured at himself. “Pious.”
I offered my hand to help him out of the shuttle, the older lady soon to follow with Tyto’s help.
“Doctor Morgan?” I asked.
“Doctor will do, thank you, though I am a retired doctor,” she said and looked at the group of people behind me.
I shook her hand gently and she then eyed me up and down. “Doctor Herin said you were something else. He wasn’t kidding. Shade is really powerful. I’ve only known one other denti with one like yours.”
It felt weird being assessed by her. I didn’t like being on show like this. Even Doctor Herin had made me feel vulnerable at some points. But with Morgan, this felt a lot worse.
“We discovered several other hangars, and there was an original medical ward. You can set up in there, and hopefully there’s no real need for you to jump in and save lives. But I’m glad you are here either way.”
“Good.” She stomped forwards and pointed the medical shuttle onwards. Then she hopped in, and off they went. That left me with Pious and Tyto.
“Walk with me, Kyle,” Pious said.
I glanced to Tyto, who flicked his head slightly, so I sucked in a breath and stepped in beside him.
“You want to do this now, talk to me?”
He looked my way. “There is no better time than right now, is there not?” I didn’t know how to answer him, and he chuckled. “There’s no right or wrong way to talk to me. I just want you to talk.”
“I’ve never spoken to a psych before,” I admitted.
“You never had a psych exam before your AI chip was first implanted?”
I shook my head. “It was a birthday present from my friends, family. Unless it was something they did without my knowledge, then no, I’ve never spoken to a mind doctor.”
“You think you’ve uncovered all your memories, the missing time you’ve had, but Hiroto told me there’s a few things you have buried. Like the letter to yourself.”
“I didn’t know he’d spoken to you about all kinds of things.” I felt exposed right now. Without having done any of it myself.
I have your best interests at heart, and my own, he said inside.
“Then yeah, there’s a few things I still seem to be missing both from my real life and here in this universe.”
“You had a period of missing time, where you were put into stasis?”
“I was. I believe the reason for it was sound. To keep me from being discovered by Arndale and taken out before my time.”
“That’s quite the piece of time missing.”
“It is, but there’s been flashes of things I’ve done. Training I’ve experienced while I was not quite with it. So although I was missing for a year, I know I wasn’t also out of it for the full time I was awake.”
“That’s interesting. What were you doing?”
“I know I was using kenosi on a much bigger level than I was at.”
“You think that was down to Xirob?”
“No, I don’t. I think they wanted me to learn how powerful I was even without Xirob.”
“Because you are,” he said. “Doctor Herin spoke to me at great depth about the potential you have and the effects it also could have on your mind.”
“Does he think I’m losing it as well?”
Pious turned to me, scrunching his eyebrows slightly. “No one thinks you are losing anything. There’s a reason why we all talk to someone, no matter who they are. Your peers, General Trix, and even Hiroto are concerned you push yourself too much without giving yourself the time to grieve, or the time to process things.”
“I would agree. This universe moves so fast, even with this time here right now. I’m thinking a million things. Processing everything for all of us.”
“But not processing things for yourself. What do you want?”
“I want my friends and those around me to have everything they want, they need.”
“That’s a life where you’re not at risk, though, surely?”
I stepped forwards again, resuming our walk. “With the rift out there, everyone is at risk. That’s not something I’m willing to let go either.”
“And that is why your friends are making sure you’re looked after. That you have someone you can talk to, other than Hiroto or Tyto.”
“It’s not a bad thing?”
“No,” he said. “It’s not a bad thing. You may call on me at any time.”
But I didn’t want to call on him at any time. I needed to get this out of my system now. I wanted to deal with it. To feel better than I did.
“I lost them all,” I admitted and stopped walking again. “I watched them all go down in front of me without a way to get them back.”
I didn’t cry; all my tears had burned. What was inside me now was a hatred for Edward and a desire to see him pay in exactly the way we had planned.
“You witnessed what a lot of military men have in the past and will do so in the future. What I have no doubt General Trix and even your own second have seen happen. Except you did something else extraordinary, and you reached out, bringing Artemis to you and saving your team.”
“I did what any of us would have done,” I said, looking at the grass beneath my feet, and kicking a soft spot. “It wasn’t a big thing.”
“It’s a very big thing, Kyle. You saved their lives. All seventeen of them. Why don’t you think it was a good thing? Because the M-Wolves had to take other forms?”
“They suffered more, because of me.”
“Kyle,” Pious said. “They experienced something they didn’t think they would, and until I can get to talk to them about it, I don’t really know how they have taken that. I do know they, just like the rest of your team, will hold nothing you ever did in bad light. And they would only ever think what you did was for the best for them, for you all as a whole.”
“I didn’t want them to suffer,” I said.
“And they might or might not have. You can’t know the outcome, only that it was something they never thought was possible. I believe they are learning with you, anything is possible, even the impossible.”
I sucked in a breath. “I’ve been a fumbling mess,” I admitted. “I push myself and what I can do to the limits sometimes with the stupidest ideas.” Hiroto wasn’t saying anything. I also knew he had seen all the truths. “The biggest one didn’t pay off, when we lost . . .”
I felt my world vanishing around me. Walls closing in. The light dimmed. The air heavier, unbreathable.
I sucked in, trying to gather enough oxygen. I struggled.
I couldn’t do this.
Not now.
Darkness.
There was a hand on my shoulder then, kenosi sparking. I looked up into Pious’s stunning orange eyes. “I didn’t know you had kenosi.”
“I am many things besides a doctor. But what comes with being this doctor and being able to help people on the level I do is with kenosi.”
“I don’t understand.”
“People of your level—” He started to walk again, soft steps into the grass. “You all do something which is part of post-traumatic stress. But also related to kenosi. You put real walls up. Sometimes walls that others can’t see at all.”
“You see them?”
“Yes, and I can break them down. No matter how strong you are, I have a gift that helps me to help you.”
“I lost my denti and my familiar. Xirob. I never thought I’d see him ever again. That pain was worse than losing my team. Like losing myself.”
“Hiroto told me you’re also connected to the upcoming Sitha King.”
“I am,” I replied.
“You are a man that is more complicated than anyone I have met before, but I won’t let that stop me. I am going to sit with you over the next couple of days, and I’m going to teach you something I had taught to me by my late friend, Cal.”
“What’s that?”
“You’re going to learn to put those walls up and break them down yourself. Because you have it in yourself to deal with these things. You have already dealt with more than you know.”
“If I have, why do I still feel so terrible?”
“Because you’re human and young. You don’t have the experience some of the other veterans do.” This time when he touched me, I felt something else. “Everyone needs someone to talk to.” Hiroto vanished from my thoughts. “I want to speak with just you. So he’s not here with us right now.”
I worried at first, but then I let out a sigh. “I feel like I let him down the most,” I said.
“Why?”
“Because I couldn’t help him any other way than to let him back in here.” I tapped the side of my head.
“Do you have any idea what a feat that actually is?” Pious asked.
“It—” I shook my head. “It wasn’t enough.”
“Have you asked him about what he feels?”
“We talked a lot,” I replied. “I can actually let him take control of this body now too.”
“And you’d be okay with that?” He raised an eyebrow at me.
“Of course. I trust him a thousand times over.”
“And he trusts you,” Pious said. “We spent a long time talking. A lot about you. A lot about his mission and then of the man he loves. Dylan . . . wasn’t it?”
“Yes, he’s one of my closest friends too.” I sighed. Their relationship and feelings fresh in my mind from the kiss they shared. We shared.
“That makes you feel strange?”
“I know he likes other men. I’ve never stopped his comments, never chastised him for his thoughts. As errant as they were, or if they made the body we shared feel things I wasn’t comfortable with.”
“Do you know how those thoughts alone make him feel?”
“I’m not sure what you mean?” The question genuinely confused me. Why would he be worried about his thoughts in my head?
“The one thing he has on his mind more than anything else is how you see him,” Pious said. “Because his respect for you is not only strong, but he never ever wants to let you down.”
“How could he ever let me down?”
“He believes he already has. That he wasn’t strong enough to take another body after the second respawn. He believes he’s the reason you’re struggling right now.”
I flexed my hands. “That’s absurd.”
“I’m glad you think so. Because I would like to get you both to talk through some of this. You have the trust there. You have the bond I don’t even think a mated pair can have. I want you both to be okay with how you feel and know in any reality you have both been above and beyond for each other.”
“I couldn’t lose him,” I said. My hands shook now. “I just couldn’t.”
“You would die for any of your team; that much is obvious. What I want you to understand as well is they would do the same for you, without thinking. They’d each put their lives down for yours.”
“I don’t want them to,” I said, trying to stop the shaking. It didn’t work.
“No, you don’t. But you need to accept that it is their choice to do so. That if they do, that they have done it because of love, because of duty, and because of who you are.”
“I’m not some saviour that’s come to rescue everyone.”
“Kyle, there’s always someone out there people look up to.”
“But that means I let everyone down?”
“No, you haven’t. I had reports off Jai on what you’ve done the last few years of your time here.”
“I thought I was doing okay,” I said. “I thought I was okay with my decisions.”
“It will come,” he said, his eyes lowering, his voice with it. “With time.”
“Thanks,” I replied. Talking with him already made me feel a little better. Then my mind drifted to confronting Edward. “We’ve so much to do in a few days.”
Pious ran a hand through his hair. “Yes, you’re wanting to confront the one man you want to kill more than anyone else in the world. Would you say even more so than Motaki?”
