Spring Changes, page 5
I smiled. He couldn’t keep away from her or her delicious food. But more because she was amazing; she complemented him.
“I’ll go back and see her now.” I patted my belly. “Could do with some extra food.”
“Didn’t you eat like a few hours ago?” Jai laughed.
I shrugged. “Don’t remember.”
I stood and made my way out, heading back to the mess hall without even looking where I was. Hiroto? I asked. Do you think I’m compromised?
I think we’re both compromised, Kyle, not just you.
I wobbled on my feet, feeling his emotions wash over me. How can I help you? I asked. He was my best friend, and if I could do anything to help, I would.
You need to concentrate on you, and I will do the same. I will make sure I get screen time with the doctor as well.
You can do that?
Yes, just like I spent time with Lara, and everyone else on the ship, even Dylan.
Those memories whizzed past my mind once more, their late-night conversations, the laughter, the shared fun even if it was only over comms.
I don’t want you to think like that about my life with you, Kyle. Please don’t.
I laughed then. We need some kind of joint therapy. Will that help, help us both?
You mean because—
I mean because we’ve both been through so much.
Yes, of course, yes.
I leaned my forehead against the cool metal of the wall before me. Everything washed over me and I concentrated on my inner partner. My friend.
We can do this, Hiroto. We can.
You know why I know we will, because we have each other, and everyone else around us wants nothing but the best for us. I just need to talk to someone else, if you understand me.
I do.
I felt a hand on my back and turned to see Latife. “Jai messaged me, hon. Said you were coming to see me, but that was an hour ago.”
I stared at her, not registering the time that had passed. “Yes,” I said. “I wanted to talk to you, do you have time?”
She checked her inner timer. “Always. Come with me.”
I moved to walk with her, and we settled into a light dawdle. “Is Jai honest with you no matter what’s going on?”
“You mean did he tell me of your conversation?”
I looked into her eyes. Soft, warm, motherly. “Yes, I . . .”
She linked her arm into mine. “He tells me only what he sees fit at the time. What’s bothering you?”
I looked around, not feeling secure enough out in the open. “The mess hall is empty right now. We’ll be good in there for a few hours.”
She pushed the door open with a hiss. We’d walked further than I thought too. It wasn’t quite empty; the cleaner bots were running over the floor, but she shooed them out the way as she walked down to the front set of tables.
“Sit,” she said, going behind the counters to get us both some drinks.
I took a seat, feeling a little out of place. Latife returned with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate.
“You know how to comfort those who need it,” I said and took the mug from her, taking in the soft, rich smell.
“I like my comfort foods. Without them around here, life would have been a lot harder. As a chef on a ship like Artemis, you get used to people coming to you for many reasons.”
“Jai told me to ask you what he was like when Artemis was rescuing us.”
“He told you to ask me that?” It was the lines on her face, the way her eyes dropped, yet her shoulders stiffened. She was really unsure.
“Yes.” I nodded as well. But she turned from me, and within a second, she was talking. I could only presume to Jai.
“If you’re sure,” she said. “All right, my love, I will.”
She turned back to me, and her face was a lot more sombre.
“What is it?” I asked.
“You’re young, but you’re not someone who doesn’t understand the world.” She pushed her hot chocolate away. “You’ve heard of PTSD?”
I blew on the froth of my hot drink, taking in the smell. “Yes, post-traumatic stress disorder. I don’t think there’s a human being out there that’s not heard of it, even if it’s just in a film.”
“Jai’s been suffering a lot lately,” she admitted. “It was one of the things getting between us. I know you noticed.”
I had, there’d been a few times their emotions were on their faces even if it just seemed he was working too hard, avoiding her. I waited, though, for her to talk more. Though I could see it was beyond painful.
“He suffers with terrible nightmares.” She coughed, turning her mug in her hands. “When we first slept together, I wondered why he wouldn’t stay the night with me. I felt a little used, to be honest. Finally, I managed to get him to sleep in my bunk for a night.”
I wasn’t sure I should be hearing any of this. It was so personal.
“It was only one night at first, but I realised why he wouldn’t stay. He woke screaming and kicking. And I got a pretty nice crack to the ribs for it.”
I swallowed. “He didn’t mean it though, right?”
Her eyes softened some then as they locked with mine. “No, he didn’t. He also wouldn’t talk about it. In fact, he avoided me for quite a while. No matter what I tried to do. I thought we would never have a future. I was losing the only man who had made me happy, and I didn’t want that. I had to confront him in a way I wasn’t comfortable doing.”
“With Sadie?”
“Yes, I had to go above him to the doc.” Latife nodded. “He needed some help and so did I. I’m like you, I knew of it, but not how I’d deal with it. And we were working on it. I know how long these things take. It seemed to help, and he stayed more and more often without the nightmares.”
“Something happened?” I asked.
“Jai’s always put his duties first. When he was taking a little bit of a break, the call to rescue you came in and he had to step up. I wasn’t sure even he could command the ship in his state of mind but Sadie swore he was fit, that he wouldn’t put anyone at risk.”
“Except himself.” I sighed.
“Yes. Except himself. Almost losing you on that dreadful planet, and respawning as a machine, it tore him apart in a way I’ve never witnessed from anyone. If he’d lost any of you, I’m not sure we’d even be here right now. This conversation would have been with him sedated in the med bay.”
I swallowed, my stomach churning. I pushed my hot chocolate away. “That night?”
“I watched from a distance while he did everything he could. As all the crew did. Denn got rid of the engines as soon as she could, and Sadie pulled the plug on all of you. It broke him. He left the bridge and I found him in his quarters curled in a ball, unable to even respond to me.”
Worry instantly spread through me, and Latife reached over, taking my hand in hers. “He’s gonna be okay, and we’re gonna be okay. He’s an amazing man, and now I know how to help him. I will.”
“So he had a breakdown and yet I’m the one he’s picking on?” I pushed her hands away from me. “How is that fair?”
“He’s not picking on you,” she said.
“That’s how it feels,” I replied and rubbed my hands down my shirt.
Latife shook her head. “He knows if you get the right help now, process things better, like he never did, you’ll recover faster, stronger.”
“Really?”
This time she nodded at me. “Yes, really. You both will.”
I smiled at her then, though when I spoke, my voice shook. “Together we’re stronger?”
5
It took me quite a lot more time with Latife to feel comfortable with leaving her. When I started to distance myself from our talk, Hiroto asked her questions and also spoke to her about himself.
I was dazed, not myself, and I knew it. But at least I also knew I wasn’t the only one with issues. Everyone else around me wanted the best for each other, and right now it was like pulling a net together tight, hoping we’d all be held safe inside it.
As I wandered the corridors, once more wondering what to do with myself, I thought to how much Jai had been through, and what had caused his initial PTSD.
Maybe one day he will feel comfortable talking to not only those he loves about it, but us as well, Hiroto said.
I can’t imagine being in the position to be traumatised.
Kyle. His voice was soft. You need to understand. We just were. We watched our whole team go down fighting for their lives with no respawn available.
He was right. I just—I just couldn’t see it.
I shrugged the thoughts away, knowing I had many things to do, that there were people relying on me, and I needed to talk to them all when they were ready and when I was.
Hiroto faded away from me, though I felt he was still there. I wanted to talk to him, I just didn’t know how. The walls I’d managed to erect between us were permanent. I didn’t know what to say.
Settling into my walk, I found myself by one of the observation decks. Someone was already standing there, looking out at the planet’s twinkling lights in the distance.
The closer I got to the figure, I recognised it. Head down, leaning over the rail.
I stepped closer towards them and coughed slightly before leaning on the rail myself.
Xirob looked up at me, his eyes misted. “Not long till we’re back on Armastai.”
“I know. You doing okay?”
“I don’t want to leave Faith. Or Finn,” he said.
“For that, I am glad. Even though it hurts.”
“Are you ready?” he asked.
I looked out to the dark, watched the stars for a while. “Ready to bring what’s coming to the front line?”
He smiled. “Yes, to deal with Edward?”
I frowned, my knuckles going white. “I’m not sure what he’s going to say when he sees us.”
“He won’t know you’re back till breakfast. I’ll have you scheduled in while they’re eating. I want you to walk in as if nothing’s happened. No one else will know what his team did, just that you’ve been missing and presumed dead. I expect he was going to call you AWOL until the system could deem you were not online anymore.”
That’s possible, Hiroto said.
“You want me to act like nothing’s changed. But we’re not going to be joining his team, right? You can sort that out?”
“No, you’re not. I’ve secured you a different hangar, somewhere you can put all your mechs, all the people you want with you. If you want those you used to trick Edward while you went to the Dox system, then that’s fine by me. But you can’t have a full team. That would cause outright backlash.”
“Okay. So technically we have five extra minds. It makes it a little easier.”
“The M-Wolves will be okay. They’re strong.”
“They are. Have you heard . . . ?”
“They have respawned. They’re okay, but they might need a little time to recuperate.”
“Paul and Craig?”
“Paul’s didn’t take, but Craig’s did.”
“Shit,” I said. “I need to see them.”
“You will,” Xirob said. “They’ll come here soon enough. Paul’s in another denti; he’ll be fine, they both will.”
I hoped so. “We can recuperate together. Help each other.”
“We’re all watching you. Just don’t rush it.”
“I’m not going to. I promise.” I yawned, covering my mouth.
“You need rest. How long have you been on your feet?”
I checked internally. “Too long. I’ll head for my rack. Soon as we can safely leave with the M-Wolves, we will.”
When everyone had gathered by the shuttle, I was unsure about seeing Paul and Craig. With Hiroto’s help, it was easy to spot him, and I headed on over.
“Dang, you big motherfucker!” I said as I approached. Craig turned around, the much larger form of the M-Wolf grinning rather goofily. “You look . . . wow.”
“It takes some getting used to,” Craig said. “But the stats are amazing. This was a good call for us.”
I looked at Paul. “You okay?”
“Pissed it didn’t work. I guess there’s some things they need that not everyone has. Something to consider in the future if we want to do this again.”
“Think Sadie will be able to figure out what’s needed?”
He looked at Craig. “Maybe, she’s full of ideas.”
We boarded the shuttle and I listened to them chat about their now obvious differences. Paul was disappointed, but I kept making sure that he knew he was still very much needed by my side and on my team. I wouldn’t ever put either of them above the other.
The steady shuttle ride, easy. I watched them all, listened. Reassured where there were nerves.
Xirob had done as he had said and watched as we descended to the planet’s surface. I got a really good look over the area.
Looks rundown, Hiroto said.
You’re not kidding, Xe replied. From here, it looks a mess.
Xirob said he’d get us somewhere the others wouldn’t be able to track or follow us. I think it’s perfect, I added.
The surrounding area looked full of overgrown grass, bushes, and even what looked like wrecked mechs. That was interesting. How old were they? Could we use them?
Thoughts from me transferred to Hiroto and his mind lit up. If we can use them, you know we will.
We disembarked the shuttle and headed for the hangar. The training ground spread out before us, bumps and broken asphalt—or their version of it—also laying unkempt.
The early morning light shone off the rusted metal sides of the building. The grounds between the training ground and hangar were grassy as we had seen from the shuttle, but no one had been here in a long time. It took some wading through, but we soon stood looking up at the huge main doors.
Quill gave him a sidelong glance. “You said you’d somewhere for us to stay and train, but this?”
Xirob frowned as we all looked out at it, the faded paint and overgrowing plants telling us enough. “I knew this area of the base had been closed off. It hasn’t gotten any love in many years.”
“Well,” I said and strode forwards. “Let’s get inside, see what we’re dealing with, and then deal with it. Right?”
Naylar grinned. “I don’t think I’ve ever been as excited. We’re not only off the grid from the rest of the base, but we get the most rundown shack I’ve ever seen!”
Off she ran towards it, jumping the few pot holes in the grounds. Some of the others ran with her, laughing and giggling.
Quill and the M-Wolves looked at me. Craig stood with Paul. Although they were still best the best of friends, even I had noticed he stuck with the wolves more often than not, and it just meant that Paul was usually wherever they were. “Are we missing something?”
Tyto raised an eyebrow. “Most of the fun engineers have is by constructing things for themselves to the spec they want.”
“You’re not concerned this is a wreck?” Los asked.
“Not at all,” I replied. “These guys will have it up and running in no time.”
Quill moved off. “Then I guess let’s see the inside.”
“I can stay for a few hours,” Xirob said.
Everyone else moved away from me. The hangar doors opened wide, belching out what seemed eons of dust into the sunny skies above us. I stepped towards them, placing a hand on the warm metal.
I’ll let you know as soon as I know! Xe said. Using Molecular Insight, Xe tracked down through my veins and then left my hand to enter into the structure spanning before me.
It seemed large enough to hold a full team.
“Barracks?” Los asked.
“I presume like the others? Outside somewhere . . .”
Hiroto piped up. “Xe is already mapping. There are four separate bunkers out back. She said they’re in a similar state as in here, but with a clean, they’ll be fine.”
Quill sneezed, and Los followed. “We might be better with breathers for a while. Get the other doors open, the breeze flowing through. Should chase some of the particles out.”
“I forgot you’re sensitive to these things,” I said, slapping the side of my head.
“Just a little, but we’ll be good.”
Quill sneezed again, and then again. “Ugh,” he said. “I’ll head back to the ship. Help with the unloading and other things, till we’re ready here.”
“Sounds like a plan. We can have the others in here, and even get the bots off the ship to help.”
Los smiled. “My thoughts exactly.”
They moved in the opposite direction, and Xirob and Tyto and I moved into the vastness that was now ours.
“This is the older style of hangar, as you can see. We had them in individual teams. Now we have them as a full mech unit.”
“More inclusive?” I asked.
“Yes. Gives command a better chance to watch over them.”
“So there’s more like this out here?” I asked.
“Yes, this is one of a command set.”
“So there are six hangars? Where?”
“This was the best out of the group, but they’re here, just camouflaged by the plants.”
“What are you thinking?” Tyto asked.
“I’m thinking exactly what crossed your mind as I said it. We’re going to fill all of them.”
“Even with the people we know, we haven’t got the resources—”
“No, but I did ask Frenk that exact thing in the dungeon. We will have a full list of recruits, if not more. If I need to, I can put out a call for this. They might not be as top tier as those the front line usually recruits, but they will get there.”
“You’re going to take on training a whole platoon?” Xirob’s eyebrow rose and he looked around the hangar.
“Damn, Kyle, you can blow everything out of proportion. We haven’t even got a merge down yet.”
“No, but we will.”
“I look forward to watching your progress. I’ll unlock the rest of the hangars even in the state they are, if you’re sure?”
“I’m sure,” I said. “We’ll take our time. This isn’t something that’s going to happen overnight. But it will happen.”
